matsuzaka
愛ということはずっとわかんない
- May 17, 2026
- 130
ive been living abroad from my household for just about a year now, but for reasons i am forced to return to my abusive familys house for another 3 weeks and depending on how a certain proccess goes that could end up but "until i get enough money to move out again" >~<
ive been pacing around my room anxious about tommorow since my flight back home is then. i dont want to leave, i dont want to go home, i can't go home. i had both the best and worst year of my life while i was away from my family. best as in yay! walkable cities! apartment all to myself! friends! but also worst year because i had probably the worst depressive episode of my life. it led me to bleed out on the floor of my apartment for 8 hours and i had so many psychotic episodes where i heard or saw my father in my apartment and it totally shattered my psyche. i am so weak and i am so fragile at the current moment i am not sure i can handle being back in that house again. :(
ive suffered alone in that house for over 20 years and normally im sure i could just survive another few weeks but i just feel so frail right now. there is nothing i can do but be led back into the prison that they call my room and be chained down by the monsters that patrol it.
i have sn back home and im currently in the proccess of obtaining meto. i know i said i would try to get adhd medicines and move out first and i promise i still will!! dont count me dead just yet ><. but it is going to take every ounce of my being to not ctb the moment i am home because i can not handle things right now.
let me out let me out let me out let me out
ive been pacing around my room anxious about tommorow since my flight back home is then. i dont want to leave, i dont want to go home, i can't go home. i had both the best and worst year of my life while i was away from my family. best as in yay! walkable cities! apartment all to myself! friends! but also worst year because i had probably the worst depressive episode of my life. it led me to bleed out on the floor of my apartment for 8 hours and i had so many psychotic episodes where i heard or saw my father in my apartment and it totally shattered my psyche. i am so weak and i am so fragile at the current moment i am not sure i can handle being back in that house again. :(
ive suffered alone in that house for over 20 years and normally im sure i could just survive another few weeks but i just feel so frail right now. there is nothing i can do but be led back into the prison that they call my room and be chained down by the monsters that patrol it.
i have sn back home and im currently in the proccess of obtaining meto. i know i said i would try to get adhd medicines and move out first and i promise i still will!! dont count me dead just yet ><. but it is going to take every ounce of my being to not ctb the moment i am home because i can not handle things right now.
let me out let me out let me out let me out
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