Venting the return (doomsday)

[matsuzaka]

ive been living abroad from my household for just about a year now, but for reasons i am forced to return to my abusive familys house for another 3 weeks and depending on how a certain proccess goes that could end up but "until i get enough money to move out again" >~<

ive been pacing around my room anxious about tommorow since my flight back home is then. i dont want to leave, i dont want to go home, i can't go home. i had both the best and worst year of my life while i was away from my family. best as in yay! walkable cities! apartment all to myself! friends! but also worst year because i had probably the worst depressive episode of my life. it led me to bleed out on the floor of my apartment for 8 hours and i had so many psychotic episodes where i heard or saw my father in my apartment and it totally shattered my psyche. i am so weak and i am so fragile at the current moment i am not sure i can handle being back in that house again. :(

ive suffered alone in that house for over 20 years and normally im sure i could just survive another few weeks but i just feel so frail right now. there is nothing i can do but be led back into the prison that they call my room and be chained down by the monsters that patrol it.

i have sn back home and im currently in the proccess of obtaining meto. i know i said i would try to get adhd medicines and move out first and i promise i still will!! dont count me dead just yet ><. but it is going to take every ounce of my being to not ctb the moment i am home because i can not handle things right now.

let me out let me out let me out let me out

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear that your family is so bad towards you~ :( I'm glad you could enjoy so many parts of your trip~ :) having actual friends is so nice~ ^_^ even if other parts were so terrible~ :( it's crazy to me that that was even regarding your parents no less~ >_< that's awful~ :( I really hope being with them again isn't as awful as you think~ :( and that you are able to survive even for this time~ >_<

having the stuff ready makes things more tolerable as you know you can go at any time, so it actually feels much nicer~ :) I hope it feels the same way for you~ ^_^ and yes, pls do everything you can to recover as long as you still have 1 shred of hope remaining~ after all, moving out will make things much better from what you say~ :) just try not to completely ruin your relationship with them~ >~< growing up with a bad family is one of the worst situations you can be in as they sure feel like the only ones who actually care~ :(

 

[matsuzaka]

I'm really sorry to hear that your family is so bad towards you~ :( I'm glad you could enjoy so many parts of your trip~ :) having actual friends is so nice~ ^_^ even if other parts were so terrible~ :( it's crazy to me that that was even regarding your parents no less~ >_< that's awful~ :( I really hope being with them again isn't as awful as you think~ :( and that you are able to survive even for this

yeah i'm hoping being with my family isn't going to be as bad as i think it is •~• praying its just classic overthinking and everything will secretly be okay...

manifesting

having the stuff ready makes things more tolerable as you know you can go at any time, so it actually feels much nicer~ :) I hope it feels the same way for you~ ^_^ and yes, pls do everything you can to recover as long as you still have 1 shred of hope remaining~ after all, moving out will make things much better from what you say~ :) just try not to completely ruin your relationship with them~ >~< growing up with a bad family is one of the worst situations you can be in as they sure feel like the only ones who actually care~ :(

i think i feel the same! i'm pretty impulsive normally so ive been keeping my sn far away but just knowing that at least its there and i have a way out makes enduring everything else much more easier >.< im really looking forward to moving out and im hoping things can start getting better again... then again things are always a cycle of getting better and then getting worse over and over •~• but i'll give living a shot as long as i have things im looking forward to doing :) i want to keep things amicable with my family to the best i can because i do love my mother and my father to some extent and i hope they can come around one day



also, thank you so much for your reply shore, i'm at the airport getting ready to fly home and i was getting really nervous, your reply came at a really good time :) means a lot to me

 

[EternalShore]

yeah i'm hoping being with my family isn't going to be as bad as i think it is •~• praying its just classic overthinking and everything will secretly be okay...

manifesting

i think i feel the same! i'm pretty impulsive normally so ive been keeping my sn far away but just knowing that at least its there and i have a way out makes enduring everything else much more easier >.< im really looking forward to moving out and im hoping things can start getting better again... then again things are always a cycle of getting better and then getting worse over and over •~• but i'll give living a shot as long as i have things im looking forward to doing :) i want to keep things amicable with my family to the best i can because i do love my mother and my father to some extent and i hope they can come around one day



also, thank you so much for your reply shore, i'm at the airport getting ready to fly home and i was getting really nervous, your reply came at a really good time :) means a lot to me

I hope and pray as well~ >_<

yeah, same! :) it's a nice, comforting presence~ ^_^ just, yes, absolutely make sure to avoid doing it on impulse! >_< at least, it's not always worse~ many times, it feels like my life is like that~ :( it's likely due to how good my childhood was~ >_< I just wish it could get lastingly better for us both~ :) then, I hope you continue to look forward to things and have good things too~ ^_^ hehe~ I'm glad I could help calm you down! :) hope you're having save travels~ <3

 

[matsuzaka]

it's likely due to how good my childhood was~ >_< I just wish it could get lastingly better for us both~

i feel you on that w~w my childhood wasn't anything special but the feeling of being able to live off of purely caring for and loving others is a unique thing only experienceable in childhood, and i yearn to return to those times, as well as the early 2000s <3

I hope you continue to look forward to things and have good things too~ ^_^ hehe~ I'm glad I could help calm you down! :) hope you're having save travels~ <3

i wish the same for you as well, you're such a kind person although things were rocky with my parents the moment i got here i am doing a bit better now, and have made it home safely~ ^w^

 

[EternalShore]

i feel you on that w~w my childhood wasn't anything special but the feeling of being able to live off of purely caring for and loving others is a unique thing only experienceable in childhood, and i yearn to return to those times, as well as the early 2000s <3



i wish the same for you as well, you're such a kind person although things were rocky with my parents the moment i got here i am doing a bit better now, and have made it home safely~ ^w^

same! :D in both regards! hehe~ :) people actually cared and weren't selfish liars back then~ :)

I'm glad to hear it! :) I can imagine, yeah~ :( I was worried and hoping you were safe and all that, so I'm glad you are feeling not terrible now at least~ :)