Venting At least I'll have my favorite thing to comfort me while I die, right?

[scary]

"If you had any method of suicide at your disposal, what would you choose and why?" is a question I've seen being thrown around on here a few times and it's made me really think long and hard about my supposed 'ideal method'. If I really did have any method available to me, what would I pick?

Suicide by car seems like such a peaceful method. All you have to do is sit and let the CO do its thing. It's so damn simple and yet so complicated at the same time. If I were born years ago I would've been able to just do it no problem, but they don't make cars like they used to. It's near impossible nowadays for someone to sit in a modern car with it running in the garage and be guaranteed to die from it.

Aside from it being a method that's the least likely to trigger my SI and would be "peaceful" to some extent, the reason why I'm so drawn to this method is that I can listen to music while doing it.

Our car has a cd player and I've been collecting the ones from my favorite artist. Getting to listen to his music while I die is just ideal to me. It's my special interest essentially and the only thing I give a damn about anymore (besides my family's 3 cats of course) But at the same time, it depresses me. If I die, I won't be able to listen to his work anymore. If reincarnation were a thing, who knows if I'll even have that same passion again. Not just for him but for anything in general. That's the only thing about my autism that I love, that even if I'm rotting in bed severely depressed, a single song could cheer me up. And knowing my luck the day I die is when he'll finally release more stuff. Do I really keep myself alive and suffer mentally and physically just to listen to his work?

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know that this is a universal experience, knowing you'll miss your favorite things when you die, but like I said it's my special interest- the one and only thing I'm passionate about and spend time thinking about. I feel annoying even mentioning it, I know my family sure as hell is. The few times I've sperged I could just sense that they're annoyed by me, so I just stopped altogether. Even online I was obnoxious. Someone in the actual fandom said and I quote "make sure the person you're introducing his music to isn't autistic and annoying" and I was! I was that exact retard who was annoying in that fandom and at times I feel like shit for engaging with it because I just don't deserve to listen to him.

I just have so many conflicting feelings about this. If I do choose to go through with it, I'll never hear from said artist again... but at the same time I might as well because I ruin everything I touch. But hey, at least while I die his music can comfort me one last time.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Do I really keep myself alive and suffer mentally and physically just to listen to his work?

I've done this for games, shows, music, movies myself — using them as a last reason to stay alive and not CTB just yet.
Thankfully, everything I waited for did end up being a banger, but sometimes just saying it out loud makes it seem like a silly reason to stay alive.

If I choose something like SN or some other method where I can stay at home, I'll for sure put on something with my favorite actor on and watch that while drifting away, or some music I love if I am outside and can wear earphones.

 

[Jadeith]

But hey, at least while I die his music can comfort me one last time.

That's exactly the reason why my method of choice is inert gas via mask, not a bag. Plan is to do it while watching the nature - the thing that provided me comfort for the longest time.