Venting Epiphanies while overseas

[ikiruNObungaku]

I have returned from Japan, but while I was over there I had a lot of realizations about myself and suicide. I went over there for work, but the work was a lot more stressful than me or anyone else on the team initially thought. I was hoping I would have time to die while I was there, but there was hardly any free time to do so. Unfortunately my plans were ruined.

But while I was there, I also realized many things. I was taught that if bad things happen to you, you probably deserve it. Many bad things were happening to me while I was there, and I spent a lot of time thinking about why I deserved it. So I thought, maybe it is because I did not die that those things were happening to me? But I do not think this is the sole reason why. Also, I have come to realize that I am inherently a bad person that causes a lot of trouble for other people, including the ones that I love. I was uncertain before, but now I am very sure that my death will bring about a positive change to the people in my life.

My memory has gotten much worse as well. From now on, I keep a log on everything I do all hours of the day to help me. This will include the times of when I eat, the people I interact with, if I buy anything, work, and much more. I had purchased some gifts to bring back, but I forgot them at the place I was staying at. I thought to myself, "I cannot believe I was so clueless to forget. I have doomed all the people in my life and wasted so much money." So, I am not sure how to punish myself for my mistake this time. I was thinking on mildly overdosing on SSRIs to get serotonin syndrome, enough to suffer through the pain but also enough to stay alive. Or I will probably hit myself with a hammer again many times. Until I decide, I will starve myself. If you have suggestions, please let me know!

I also remembered a happier time in my life while I was there. I had the opportunity to view the media department of a university there. A professor of the animation department was kind enough to let me and my team test out some of the equipment there. When I younger, I remembered how it was my dream to do things like that. I was already familiar with that kind of thing, and felt surprisingly happy doing it again. When the professor complimented my work, I think realized how downhill my life had gone up to this point. I am no longer doing what I love, I do not see any merit in living to the future, and the only thing I live for is to either make money for my family, or be an object worth bragging about since my sibling was given up on.

I think from now on, I will spend every day reminding myself of how horrible and worthless of a person I am. I am certain now that I am deserving of everything bad happening in my life. Hopefully my death can come soon.

 

[diealegend24]

Do not think that way. Bad things don't happen because you're a bad person, don't poison your brain with that lie. It's unfortunate, life is unfair that's the harsh reality.

I always wanted to visit Japan, tbh that would be my ideal place to die. I love Japan, I wouldn't want to live there permanently but I'd love to visit and stay for some time.

Have you heard of Aokigahara forest? I heard it's a suicide forest. There's probably a shit ton of security but still maybe it'd be possible to find a place to hide and die there.

 

[Pvnie]

not to shit on your mojo here, but have you ever thought about just trying to feel nothing? all of our lives are worthless, even if we could live a normal life, this double sided "blessing" we now have where we view life as worthless and empty anyway making any success we would have ultimately unsweet. idk where I was going with that I did a bunch of zolp more than I usually do its fucking with me.

But I think it'd be better for you 2 genuinely just feel nothing, you're putting more strain on your body and mind by doing drugs and trying to get rid of what dopamine you have.

 

[Manfrotto99]

If there's one thing I've learnt in my 57 years of crap on this earth is that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people all the time. I would count on it that most people on here have gentle kind hearts but have been subjected to cruelty from those with nasty intentions who are superior and have more than them.

There is no such thing as a "just world philosophy" and people who use it are trying to either justify themselves and why their lives are better than others or are trying to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of. It is only natural to try and find rhyme and reason in what appears a senseless world.

No one is really "good" and those who have good things happen to them or are born with privileges have greater responsibility to do good since it is much easier for them to do so. Most don't though. My take is that God is slow to anger, he gives free will and lavishes those who don't deserve it with favour so they may be grateful and change. Most people don't.

You may not be doing what you enjoy atm but perhaps you can still do it as a hobby or take it up later. Meanwhile you are providing for your family so that is a good thing in itself.

 

[ikiruNObungaku]

Thank you, and I am sorry for my way of thinking. It was something I learned and, since then, I was thinking about the ways it was reinforced. Many bad things happened during my trip, and I was surrounded by people who I believed to dislike me, so I thought it was correct. I guess I will think on it more then. It is very hard to view myself as good because of how I lived but maybe I will think about how some misfortunes are just misfortunes. I think I still have a lot to learn and it will be hard to get rid of old ways of thinking.

I always wanted to visit Japan, tbh that would be my ideal place to die. I love Japan, I wouldn't want to live there permanently but I'd love to visit and stay for some time.

Have you heard of Aokigahara forest? I heard it's a suicide forest. There's probably a shit ton of security but still maybe it'd be possible to find a place to hide and die there.

Yes, I have heard of this. It was a place I was planning to visit and hopefully die at. However, because of work, I was unable to go. Although I did hear that security has increased, so it might be even more difficult to enter. I fear that if I was to be caught then the industry I am apart of would face the reprimand. Japan is a nice place, but I do not want to live there forever. I think just visiting is better. However, as things are going, I think it is possible I may have to live there for many years.

I would count on it that most people on here have gentle kind hearts but have been subjected to cruelty from those with nasty intentions who are superior and have more than them.

There is no such thing as a "just world philosophy" and people who use it are trying to either justify themselves and why their lives are better than others or are trying to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of. It is only natural to try and find rhyme and reason in what appears a senseless world.

No one is really "good" and those who have good things happen to them or are born with privileges have greater responsibility to do good since it is much easier for them to do so. Most don't though. My take is that God is slow to anger, he gives free will and lavishes those who don't deserve it with favour so they may be grateful and change. Most people don't.

You are very wise, thank you.