Are you also a victim of narcissistic abuse?

[Unattainable666]

Energy drainers too.

They suck the life out of you - and leave you drained

 

[venin]

Yes, I'm pretty sure I grew up with a narcissist. Bullying, some physical violence but mostly- they liked to play the victim. They accused me of doing all sorts to friends, teachers, my parents. I first developed ideation because of them. It was actually such a relief to me when I found out about narcissism. Suddenly, all their crazy behaviours had a name. For anyone suffering, I recommend checking out two YouTube channels: 'Live Abuse Free' and 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy.'

Also Dr. Ramani is awesome on the narc subject + some really good insta accounts

Hah can relate to that too. It's funny when you see their mind games thinking they got you but they really didn't. Narcissist will always win a argument no matter what because of their victim mentality.

I don't think about them as humans

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

Yeah. But it's sad we got here… we just survived. We did not manage to thrive

For sure. There was a saying: "narcissists don't have children, they have slaves".

For me I guess I'm just used to it and accepted it

 

[venin]

Energy drainers too.

For sure

For me I guess I'm just used to it and accepted it

I honestly can't

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

For sure

I honestly can't

There will be a point where you just had enough of it and will accept that they will be the way the are because they believe they are always right and they are superior than others(as for the narcissist I've been dealing with).

 

[Forever Sleep]

Also Dr. Ramani is awesome on the narc subject + some really good insta accounts

I don't think about them as humans

I feel like this too- I find it very hard to see them as human. Sometimes I do try. I think how awful it must be to feel you have to hide behind a mask all the time. I wonder what happened to them to make them like it. That can't be a happy tale. Still- they leave such a trail of destruction behind them- it's hard to have sympathy for them. I hope you managed to get away from yours. I'm glad that I did. Still, I've got to wonder what they're doing to other people now. Mine has children now and by all accounts, they are turning out to be just the same- unsurprisingly.

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

I feel like this too- I find it very hard to see them as human. Sometimes I do try. I think how awful it must be to feel you have to hide behind a mask all the time. I wonder what happened to them to make them like it. That can't be a happy tale. Still- they leave such a trail of destruction behind them- it's hard to have sympathy for them. I hope you managed to get away from yours. I'm glad that I did. Still, I've got to wonder what they're doing to other people now. Mine has children now and by all accounts, they are turning out to be just the same- unsurprisingly.

Ah dang I feel bad for the kids since I grew up with a narcissistic dad. Knowing all the hurt my dad has done I always have this urge to just talk to him because I give him so many chances and led me to more self destructive thoughts and the surroundings around me.

I feel like this too- I find it very hard to see them as human. Sometimes I do try. I think how awful it must be to feel you have to hide behind a mask all the time. I wonder what happened to them to make them like it. That can't be a happy tale. Still- they leave such a trail of destruction behind them- it's hard to have sympathy for them. I hope you managed to get away from yours. I'm glad that I did. Still, I've got to wonder what they're doing to other people now. Mine has children now and by all accounts, they are turning out to be just the same- unsurprisingly.

Their emotions towards other people aren't real too.

 

[venin]

There will be a point where you just had enough of it and will accept that they will be the way the are because they believe they are always right and they are superior than others(as for the narcissist I've been dealing with).

I've accepted that they are the way they are, but I cannot accept that I had to go through what I did.

It was just too much. Too cruel. Too inhumane. & totally UNDESERVED. That's the most painful part

 

[𖣂𖣂𖣂.]

I've accepted that they are the way they are, but I cannot accept that I had to go through what I did.

It was just too much. Too cruel. Too inhumane. & totally UNDESERVED. That's the most painful part

For me I kinda got through it by not wanting sympathy for myself I know it's unhealthy and not healing but that's the way I'm coping right now

 

[venin]

I feel like this too- I find it very hard to see them as human. Sometimes I do try. I think how awful it must be to feel you have to hide behind a mask all the time. I wonder what happened to them to make them like it. That can't be a happy tale. Still- they leave such a trail of destruction behind them- it's hard to have sympathy for them. I hope you managed to get away from yours. I'm glad that I did. Still, I've got to wonder what they're doing to other people now. Mine has children now and by all accounts, they are turning out to be just the same- unsurprisingly.

I did-ish. But I did.

That's despicable.

This world is just bonkers…

 

[Kerrtu]

My mother was never diagnosed with NPD (that I know of) though it seemed as quickly as the next day after telling my siblings and I she and our father were divorcing, she was no longer the mother I recognized.

The first red flag was the 8 x 10" Glamour Shots portrait of herself wearing some kind of pink "silk effect" polyester draped fabric - she planted that portrait right on the nightstand.

Then Halloween - a holiday I grew up never celebrating as our mother raised us as Jehovah's Witnesses. The first Halloween after the divorce she dressed up like a cheerleader to attend a party with her new boyfriend, who she claimed looked like Tom Selleck (it takes more than a mustache, that's all I have to say). Around this time of her dating, she frequently left us without food. I vividly remember eating the scraps, the doggy bags she'd sometimes bring home from the high end restaurant dates they'd go on. In the first journal I ever had, I remember tracing the outline of a small piece of chicken parm and being happy I only ate that piece of chicken and nothing else. The intro to disordered eating that haunted me nearly all of my life.

Anyhow, I was surprised during their divorce proceedings when I heard he had made a statement saying the only one he felt badly for in all of the mess was me.

He and I were never close.

Our mother post-divorce was maybe most at peace in the first couple of years into her third marriage; she had married her divorce attorney. I think by year 3 she was using beginning to use heroin again.

I remember our mother accusing my sister of being jealous of her, to the point of absurdity. Our mother would accuse me of theft, specifically a pair of leather pants which I would never wear, even if I wanted to. I caught her lying about me regarding the pants. She was standing with her back to me in a room she used as a closet. Her sister ie my maternal Aunt was there, and our mother was basically going off on how she knew I had the pants and that I stole other items. My Aunt was facing me and I just shook my head and left them to their misery.

Our father is a complex case. He has been extremely violent…I think cruelty when I think of him. I wish I didn't think of him. I would guess he has NPD among other disorders as well.

My brother is a sadist, I know that for sure. He ticks the boxes for most of the subtypes. He is violent though has more patience than my father. He's willing to wait to strike whereas our father goes into a blind rage.

I've been estranged from them for over 2 years now.

Our mother died in November of 2019. A year prior, she had her sister call and leave a fake voicemail saying our mother had died. I called my sister immediately and was told our Aunt had sent that message to each of us.

Fucking rollercoaster

 

[venin]

My mother was never diagnosed with NPD (that I know of) though it seemed as quickly as the next day after telling my siblings and I she and our father were divorcing, she was no longer the mother I recognized.

The first red flag was the 8 x 10" Glamour Shots portrait of herself wearing some kind of pink "silk effect" polyester draped fabric - she planted that portrait right on the nightstand.

Then Halloween - a holiday I grew up never celebrating as our mother raised us as Jehovah's Witnesses. The first Halloween after the divorce she dressed up like a cheerleader to attend a party with her new boyfriend, who she claimed looked like Tom Selleck (it takes more than a mustache, that's all I have to say). Around this time of her dating, she frequently left us without food. I vividly remember eating the scraps, the doggy bags she'd sometimes bring home from the high end restaurant dates they'd go on. In the first journal I ever had, I remember tracing the outline of a small piece of chicken parm and being happy I only ate that piece of chicken and nothing else. The intro to disordered eating that haunted me nearly all of my life.

Anyhow, I was surprised during their divorce proceedings when I heard he had made a statement saying the only one he felt badly for in all of the mess was me.

He and I were never close.

Our mother post-divorce was maybe most at peace in the first couple of years into her third marriage; she had married her divorce attorney. I think by year 3 she was using beginning to use heroin again.

I remember our mother accusing my sister of being jealous of her, to the point of absurdity. Our mother would accuse me of theft, specifically a pair of leather pants which I would never wear, even if I wanted to. I caught her lying about me regarding the pants. She was standing with her back to me in a room she used as a closet. Her sister ie my maternal Aunt was there, and our mother was basically going off on how she knew I had the pants and that I stole other items. My Aunt was facing me and I just shook my head and left them to their misery.

Our father is a complex case. He has been extremely violent…I think cruelty when I think of him. I wish I didn't think of him. I would guess he has NPD among other disorders as well.

My brother is a sadist, I know that for sure. He ticks the boxes for most of the subtypes. He is violent though has more patience than my father. He's willing to wait to strike whereas our father goes into a blind rage.

I've been estranged from them for over 2 years now.

Our mother died in November of 2019. A year prior, she had her sister call and leave a fake voicemail saying our mother had died. I called my sister immediately and was told our Aunt had sent that message to each of us.

Fucking rollercoaster

That's fucking insane… I'm sorry it was that bad

Thank you and congrats for sharing

idk how to explain bordeline, but it's complety confusion, sometimes she was fine and she was the best mom, and all of the suddenly she was so destructive. like sometimes she would snap for so little and don't care for big problems. She would put both mine and hers life in risk. and she would always suffer because of her boyfriend and I would have to be able to support her everytime. It's was just crazy.

I appreciate your empathy thanks :)

Ty

 

[AboutTom]

Yes 2 people with BDP and one NPD. However ik that a lot here have bpd so i want to tell any bpd reading this that they're not all toxic and please don't use this as a fuel to hate yourself.

The BPD who hurt me the most would use me as emotional punching bag. Maybe what hurt most was that when he cried i didn't do anything but when i cried he kept making fun of it until i coudnt even cry anymore. He turned all his pain to me and i wasnt even allowed to look sad. So i ended up with bunch of sh scars and mental health issues (wich he would mercilessly shame me for even tho they were largely bc of him) Then one day after getting angry at a boardgame and yelling at me even when i escaped to my room he asked me "Do you want me to go away" (i had not told him to do anything, i had been ignoring his screams) the question felt very very out of place bc no i had not told him to do anything. I just told him that i don't care what he does. He just asked again (ig this wasnt the answer he wanted) my mom asked where he's going and he said "away" my honest quess is he was referring to killing himself and wanted me to sound concerned and like i care about him. Sincd he decided to play so vague and sly, i decided to give him equally ambigious sign: "i don't care, just get away from me" And while i said this i got 112 ready on my phone bc i wasnt actually gonna let him ctb (mainly bc that's literially illegal) i didn't call i just kinda waited if he'd do anything, and he (big suprise) didn't do shit. It's bc he has his whole life only harmed me, he's not the one covered in scars and he only knows how to hurt. He said that tho me for a reaction, he was super vague so that he could claim he never meant that, even tho that's the only way it can be taken in that context. It's a moment that really stuck to me bc using smt like suicide to get even tinyest ounce of emphaty out of someone who you've abused for no reason both mentally and physically for their whole life, and who is only trying to get away from you and nothing else, is so gross that i can't imagine it. I don't know how he justifies that to himself.


Also reading you guys posts about this matter made me feel a lot better about it.

 

[enough of this]

Yes, from my mother. My dad was also narcissistic, but he was more physically abusive.

 

[venin]

Yes, from my mother. My dad was also narcissistic, but he was more physically abusive.

So the abuse coming from your mother was psychological, emotional?

Yes 2 people with BDP and one NPD. However ik that a lot here have bpd so i want to tell any bpd reading this that they're not all toxic and please don't use this as a fuel to hate yourself.

The BPD who hurt me the most would use me as emotional punching bag. Maybe what hurt most was that when he cried i didn't do anything but when i cried he kept making fun of it until i coudnt even cry anymore. He turned all his pain to me and i wasnt even allowed to look sad. So i ended up with bunch of sh scars and mental health issues (wich he would mercilessly shame me for even tho they were largely bc of him) Then one day after getting angry at a boardgame and yelling at me even when i escaped to my room he asked me "Do you want me to go away" (i had not told him to do anything, i had been ignoring his screams) the question felt very very out of place bc no i had not told him to do anything. I just told him that i don't care what he does. He just asked again (ig this wasnt the answer he wanted) my mom asked where he's going and he said "away" my honest quess is he was referring to killing himself and wanted me to sound concerned and like i care about him. Sincd he decided to play so vague and sly, i decided to give him equally ambigious sign: "i don't care, just get away from me" And while i said this i got 112 ready on my phone bc i wasnt actually gonna let him ctb (mainly bc that's literially illegal) i didn't call i just kinda waited if he'd do anything, and he (big suprise) didn't do shit. It's bc he has his whole life only harmed me, he's not the one covered in scars and he only knows how to hurt. He said that tho me for a reaction, he was super vague so that he could claim he never meant that, even tho that's the only way it can be taken in that context. It's a moment that really stuck to me bc using smt like suicide to get even tinyest ounce of emphaty out of someone who you've abused for no reason both mentally and physically for their whole life, and who is only trying to get away from you and nothing else, is so gross that i can't imagine it. I don't know how he justifies that to himself.


Also reading you guys posts about this matter made me feel a lot better about it.

Great to hear that

I'm really sorry for what happened to you

He sounds kinda diabolical…

 

[lazyegg]

reactive abuse is the most deaining part of dealing with narcissists. i rather be dead now because of dealing with them throughout my childhood.

 

[Stuckinpast28]

Not sure if it was narcissistic but my mother abused me since I was a young toddler (2 y/o), she tried to kill me by making me eat industrial-grade drain de-clogger, I'm guessing she got cold feet because she immediately called 9-1-1, at 3 y/o she grabbed a dirty diaper and smooched it in my face that cause a big enough trauma to completely change my personality from a hyperactive kid to a shy and quiet kid, from 5y/o to 16 y/o she manipulated me, ignored me, verbally abused me calling me a reject and a failure to society, she once hit me because I had trouble sleeping. Now she tries to come back into my life saying that she was sick during that time and that she wasn't as bad as I think she was, every few years she tries to come back into my life again and I cannot stop her because she just changes her contact information.

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

This may be quite rare, but I a man who has recently realised that I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for my entire adult life (not sure when it began exactly but it has been all my adult life), after a deep dive down a rabbit hole of self-reflection all of a sudden, my past memories revealed their true narrative, as the subconscious denial that is the facade of NPD came crashing down.

It really hit me as to the cause when I realised that my mother also has NPD, as I was talking with her about something distressing and her reaction was cold and callous and attacking me, and then it all opened up, my childhood, I was neglected and psychologically abused, and used for her own emotional regulation.
She never once told me she loved me, she would insult me and treat me with contempt if I was hurt emotionally, and would ignore me when I wanted to show her something that I did or created when I was a child.

I also realised that I had pushed away every woman that ever loved me or tried to love me, and one of those happened to be the woman that is "the one who got away" who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I am now nearly 40 years old, and I now see that it wasn't everyone else being at fault, it was me, being manipulative, abusive, and pushing away really good women who I was fortunate to have met, and who (even for the ones who I didn't feel the same for them as they did for me in hindsight) I still feel intense guilt for hurting, every single woman I dated/was in a relationship with.
Not only that, but then there is the deep regret for the lost opportunity at lasting love that I was never equipped with how to nurture and grow that bond, all due to my mother using me for her own emotional regulation and her needs, and neglecting my needs as her child.

I am deeply sorry to all the women I have hurt in my life, and I have only deep guilt, regret, remorse and a total loss of my sense of self-identity, as who I thought I was I can now see was a total lie, and add to this that I feel such anger and betrayal at my mother for her abuse of me as her child.
At nearly 40 years old, I can tell you that this is a living hell, and I am not exactly sure how I proceed from here, I had suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old back in 1996, and now I face having to deal with the sudden realisation that I have woken up from a nightmare, and without having learned empathy, ironically this is now what I face, having to face needing to forgive myself and process my entire past, my lost childhood, my adult life squandered in it's entirety as I was living a lie, a fabrication, a facade of my own mind from a maladaptive defense mechanism which arose from the abuse I suffered as a child.

That lack of empathy now is turned on myself, unable to forgive myself, unable to move past the sheer amount and duration of years of regret, lost opportunities at finding love, and all the emotional pain and suffering that I unintentionally caused all those women who loved me, with no empathy for myself, feeling that I am both a victim of my mother and also the perpetrator of hurting both the women who loved me, and hurting ultimately myself in losing the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I know that if it were not for having NPD, we would have been perfect together, as we were when my NPD was not affecting things.
Now all I can see it total loss of hope, a past that is irreparably damaged, a present I can find no peace in, and a future that has no realistic chance of me finding peace to move forwards in since I have lost all my sense of who I am, as well as all the regret, guilt and remorse and resentment (resentment toward my mother).

The most tragic part is that with that woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, back in 2011, I did ask her if she thought something was wrong with me, and she said I may have a personality disorder (yes this is what happened, but I did not see the significance of it at the time and not sure why I asked at the time, but it must have been a sign), but then we did not take it any further, and I wish that we googled this together back then, as we could have had a chance at getting to the bottom of this back then, it would have been early enough, and just in time to save me from the greatest loss in my life, as well as turning me around and not hurting any other women in my life if I had learned I had NPD back then and researched it and got to the bottom of it and the causes identifying my mother as the cause.
All that information has been online for many years, all we had to do was google it.

I apologise on behalf of all those people with NPD to all those they have hurt with their abusive behavior.
We truly can not see it, and most with NPD never do wake up, and maybe there is a reason why, maybe there is a reason I should have never gone down that rabbit hole and learned the truth, because now, it may just be the end of me.

Studies about NPD and suicide also answer my views on suicide not being in line with the majority of those with suicidal thoughts, as I never could really understand why some people attempt suicide when they gave their reasons, but when I read that those with NPD attempt suicide at a rate lower not only than those with other mental health conditions, but also those of the general population, but when those with NPD do, it is when those defenses come crashing down, and realisation sets in, and yeah that makes sense when those medical studies say that those with NPD then enter a deep state of depression (it feels like true despair, an empty cornered and utterly hopeless feeling regardless of how much analysis I do on it without emotion clouding it), then those studies say we go on to methodically plan, and then execute a suicide plan with the highest chance of success, since at that point life has no meaning anymore, never had meaning in retrospect, no meaning now in the present and no meaning for the future with all the weight of the past, plus lacking empathy for even ourselves when we need it the most.

As much as I try to use my intellect to find hope, to find a way other than suicide, I ultimately feel totally defeated, that I have failed at life, and that I was either never alive to begin with or that I died long ago, maybe back in 2011 when I pushed away the woman who I wanted to spend my life with.

There really isn't much a suicide hotline or therapist can do with that, there is literally nothing positive from my past to grab onto to build from to move forwards.
To others, they saw a man who was a womaniser and drank too much alcohol, and I won't get much sympathy there, but now I can see that the whole womanising, sleeping around with different woman thing was unfortunately something that since it did not conflict with the inner fear of emotional abandonment that the NPD is built to defend against, and especially as other men looked up to me for this and said stuff like "how do you do that?" with how I would chat up women successfully, my ego clearly clinged onto that for my sense of confidence and validation as it did not pose a risk to what my NPD feared, which was deep seated emotional abandonment, but of course, that is not what I truly wanted, I knew I wanted to be with that woman of my dreams when I met her in 2011, that is why I asked her to marry me, but I just didn't see that my NPD was going to make sure I couldn't have the happy ever after.

A loving relationship is what everyone deep down wants, I also knew this at the time, but I just wish I could see how my undiagnosed NPD was self-sabotaging my chance at it, through this NPD which arose as a defence to the abuse my mother subjected me to.

Now that lack of empathy will turn on myself, with the cold heartedness which I treated every woman who came into my life.
Do I deserve it? I don't know, maybe I do, but regardless, I feel that I am on death row, where myself, without the capacity for empathy and full of self-hatred, is the judge, the jury and the executioner, and the governor who won't be granting a stay of execution, nor a pardon, and no matter what I think or feel now, I am already dead inside anyway.

If I could turn back time and google the personality disorders when we had that conversation back in 2011, I would give anything to be able to do that, both for myself, and to save so many other women from the emotional and psychological pain I unintentionally caused them.

I am so deeply sorry.

In a great twist of irony perhaps, I now face the heartlessness of my own lack of empathy and full of self-hate, and I know this isn't going to end well.

So when the Narcissist turns on themselves, they have saved the best for last, so while I have never been physically violent towards anyone before, when facing myself and my own judgement with the complete lack of empathy which I never learned, and without the respect and love for myself that I never learned (those with NPD, we at the core of it never learned to love ourselves), it's a death sentence, because in any case, there is nothing left to save that I can see anyway, no self-identity, a life of lost opportunity and pain, so it's both an act of aggression at oneself, and a merciful act in a way, since I can see no way out of this rabbit hole I have dug myself into now, the rabbit hole that has revealed to me that my whole life was one of being abused as a child, and then emotionally and psychologically abusing the women in my life without even realising it, which ultimately has left me in the ultimate state of despair now I can see it all and the denial is gone.

It's a rabbit hole I went down, finding the truth, that may end up taking my own life, or maybe it already has and my body just hasn't caught up yet.

Take from that what you will.

 

[conarc]

Have a narcissistic father who emotionally abused my mother until she became alcoholic. Divorced when I was 12. Then he had several other relationships, always involved me in these to show his "nice son". Then I finally had my first GF. One time her mother picked her up from our home my dad did not miss the chance to try flirting with my GF's mother... She broke up with me soon after that...

When I was 16 he found another women, got married with her. Had a child with her when I was 18. Divorced again when I was 19. Luckily I had another GF - turned out she was a borderliner. I broke up after 4 years. Met a girl online on at the age of 23 from foreign country. Met her after some time, got married after two years. I finally thought I would be back on track since live was quite sweet. Noticed some strange behaviour of her dad and brothers. Her dad died of cancer. Starting around 2019, my wife became more and more manipulative. In 2022, she had a tumour and also admitted that she has psychological issues since ever.

Only a few months ago I realized what has really happened in my childhood and lost youth. Before that, I never really noticed how all that time and energy was stolen from me. Turning 36 very soon but still feel like I am just around 20, although I have a good job with decent salary I really question the point of living in this cruel world.

After all, I am still here without any meds or drugs.

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

yes. ive been abused by psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists. worst of all my abusers.

 

[jbear824]

Yes from my mother. She had either NPD or BPD or aspects of both. And the abuse was horrible and lasted 20 years. I lived in constant terror. Lived in constant fear of having pain inflicted on me. And it wasn't just physical. She hit the trifecta of physical, mental and emotional abuse. And she enjoyed it. She loved threatening me with shit like being homeless.

20 years is a lot to cover and I think my brain has locked a lot of the horrible shit away. I remember some, but there was so much because it was constant.

She is a bad, evil person. And I hope she develops a slow painful disease with no cure. I hope she dies in pain and suffering and trauma.

 

[bluebus]

ooohhhh yeah. My mom. I love her, but she is one disturbed person

 

[CTBookOfLife]

I know I'm not the type of person you're looking to answer your thread, because I believe the term "narc abuse" is misleading but, I have a post that fits here.

I was (and am) being abused by someone with BPD and narcissistic traits...

...the "twist" being that I have the same exact "diagnosis."

The only real difference between the two of us is that one refuses to take any steps to change—I bet you can guess who out of the two of us that is.

This is one reason why I believe that the person abuses, not the disorder. Yes, some disorders tend to be more "toxic," but it's still the person.

I was able to recover with essentially zero support, and I understand that not everyone is the same, but it is POSSIBLE.

Anyway, ramble over. I wish you all healing/a stop to your suffering and I'm so incredibly sorry for what you went through. If you'd like to talk, or ask about details about the abuse I went through, feel free.

I've had a girlfriend that was borderline according to my therapist but Idk much about borderline. Can you maybe point out some differences from your experience?

Thought I might help. There are subtypes of BPD, but the jist is that BPD is sort of a mish-mash of different Cluster B traits (attention-seeking and obsessive traits, narcissistic traits, lack of empathy and remorse during episodes, etc) with added "bonuses" (loving someone then hating them, an extreme fear of abandonment, etc).

Like other Cluster Bs, it's likely a trauma disorder, but specifically surrounding insecure attachment.

 

[venin]

ooohhhh yeah. My mom. I love her, but she is one disturbed person

I know I'm not the type of person you're looking to answer your thread, because I believe the term "narc abuse" is misleading but, I have a post that fits here.

I was (and am) being abused by someone with BPD and narcissistic traits...

...the "twist" being that I have the same exact "diagnosis."

The only real difference between the two of us is that one refuses to take any steps to change—I bet you can guess who out of the two of us that is.

This is one reason why I believe that the person abuses, not the disorder. Yes, some disorders tend to be more "toxic," but it's still the person.

I was able to recover with essentially zero support, and I understand that not everyone is the same, but it is POSSIBLE.

Anyway, ramble over. I wish you all healing/a stop to your suffering and I'm so incredibly sorry for what you went through. If you'd like to talk, or ask about details about the abuse I went through, feel free.



Thought I might help. There are subtypes of BPD, but the jist is that BPD is sort of a mish-mash of different Cluster B traits (attention-seeking and obsessive traits, narcissistic traits, lack of empathy and remorse during episodes, etc) with added "bonuses" (loving someone then hating them, an extreme fear of abandonment, etc).

Like other Cluster Bs, it's likely a trauma disorder, but specifically surrounding insecure attachment.

Ty so much if you'd like to tell me more about BPD, what caused your traits, please do!

I know I'm not the type of person you're looking to answer your thread, because I believe the term "narc abuse" is misleading but, I have a post that fits here.

I was (and am) being abused by someone with BPD and narcissistic traits...

...the "twist" being that I have the same exact "diagnosis."

The only real difference between the two of us is that one refuses to take any steps to change—I bet you can guess who out of the two of us that is.

This is one reason why I believe that the person abuses, not the disorder. Yes, some disorders tend to be more "toxic," but it's still the person.

I was able to recover with essentially zero support, and I understand that not everyone is the same, but it is POSSIBLE.

Anyway, ramble over. I wish you all healing/a stop to your suffering and I'm so incredibly sorry for what you went through. If you'd like to talk, or ask about details about the abuse I went through, feel free.



Thought I might help. There are subtypes of BPD, but the jist is that BPD is sort of a mish-mash of different Cluster B traits (attention-seeking and obsessive traits, narcissistic traits, lack of empathy and remorse during episodes, etc) with added "bonuses" (loving someone then hating them, an extreme fear of abandonment, etc).

Like other Cluster Bs, it's likely a trauma disorder, but specifically surrounding insecure attachment.

Oh and congrats on changing\healing

Yes from my mother. She had either NPD or BPD or aspects of both. And the abuse was horrible and lasted 20 years. I lived in constant terror. Lived in constant fear of having pain inflicted on me. And it wasn't just physical. She hit the trifecta of physical, mental and emotional abuse. And she enjoyed it. She loved threatening me with shit like being homeless.

20 years is a lot to cover and I think my brain has locked a lot of the horrible shit away. I remember some, but there was so much because it was constant.

She is a bad, evil person. And I hope she develops a slow painful disease with no cure. I hope she dies in pain and suffering and trauma.

How do creatures like this even exist? Sorry if I'm being rude…

yes. ive been abused by psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists. worst of all my abusers.

How did you find out about them? Cause I believe you first took the bait, am I right?

reactive abuse is the most deaining part of dealing with narcissists. i rather be dead now because of dealing with them throughout my childhood.

That really is one of the worst aspects… you feel like ripping their tongue out

Not sure if it was narcissistic but my mother abused me since I was a young toddler (2 y/o), she tried to kill me by making me eat industrial-grade drain de-clogger, I'm guessing she got cold feet because she immediately called 9-1-1, at 3 y/o she grabbed a dirty diaper and smooched it in my face that cause a big enough trauma to completely change my personality from a hyperactive kid to a shy and quiet kid, from 5y/o to 16 y/o she manipulated me, ignored me, verbally abused me calling me a reject and a failure to society, she once hit me because I had trouble sleeping. Now she tries to come back into my life saying that she was sick during that time and that she wasn't as bad as I think she was, every few years she tries to come back into my life again and I cannot stop her because she just changes her contact information.

Oh my fucking God… that sounds inhumane

I'm so sorry she put you through all those horrible things

Have a narcissistic father who emotionally abused my mother until she became alcoholic. Divorced when I was 12. Then he had several other relationships, always involved me in these to show his "nice son". Then I finally had my first GF. One time her mother picked her up from our home my dad did not miss the chance to try flirting with my GF's mother... She broke up with me soon after that...

When I was 16 he found another women, got married with her. Had a child with her when I was 18. Divorced again when I was 19. Luckily I had another GF - turned out she was a borderliner. I broke up after 4 years. Met a girl online on at the age of 23 from foreign country. Met her after some time, got married after two years. I finally thought I would be back on track since live was quite sweet. Noticed some strange behaviour of her dad and brothers. Her dad died of cancer. Starting around 2019, my wife became more and more manipulative. In 2022, she had a tumour and also admitted that she has psychological issues since ever.

Only a few months ago I realized what has really happened in my childhood and lost youth. Before that, I never really noticed how all that time and energy was stolen from me. Turning 36 very soon but still feel like I am just around 20, although I have a good job with decent salary I really question the point of living in this cruel world.

After all, I am still here without any meds or drugs.

The things you hear… this world is just a giant psych ward sometimes

Kudos to you on functioning without meds

This may be quite rare, but I a man who has recently realised that I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for my entire adult life (not sure when it began exactly but it has been all my adult life), after a deep dive down a rabbit hole of self-reflection all of a sudden, my past memories revealed their true narrative, as the subconscious denial that is the facade of NPD came crashing down.

It really hit me as to the cause when I realised that my mother also has NPD, as I was talking with her about something distressing and her reaction was cold and callous and attacking me, and then it all opened up, my childhood, I was neglected and psychologically abused, and used for her own emotional regulation.
She never once told me she loved me, she would insult me and treat me with contempt if I was hurt emotionally, and would ignore me when I wanted to show her something that I did or created when I was a child.

I also realised that I had pushed away every woman that ever loved me or tried to love me, and one of those happened to be the woman that is "the one who got away" who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I am now nearly 40 years old, and I now see that it wasn't everyone else being at fault, it was me, being manipulative, abusive, and pushing away really good women who I was fortunate to have met, and who (even for the ones who I didn't feel the same for them as they did for me in hindsight) I still feel intense guilt for hurting, every single woman I dated/was in a relationship with.
Not only that, but then there is the deep regret for the lost opportunity at lasting love that I was never equipped with how to nurture and grow that bond, all due to my mother using me for her own emotional regulation and her needs, and neglecting my needs as her child.

I am deeply sorry to all the women I have hurt in my life, and I have only deep guilt, regret, remorse and a total loss of my sense of self-identity, as who I thought I was I can now see was a total lie, and add to this that I feel such anger and betrayal at my mother for her abuse of me as her child.
At nearly 40 years old, I can tell you that this is a living hell, and I am not exactly sure how I proceed from here, I had suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old back in 1996, and now I face having to deal with the sudden realisation that I have woken up from a nightmare, and without having learned empathy, ironically this is now what I face, having to face needing to forgive myself and process my entire past, my lost childhood, my adult life squandered in it's entirety as I was living a lie, a fabrication, a facade of my own mind from a maladaptive defense mechanism which arose from the abuse I suffered as a child.

That lack of empathy now is turned on myself, unable to forgive myself, unable to move past the sheer amount and duration of years of regret, lost opportunities at finding love, and all the emotional pain and suffering that I unintentionally caused all those women who loved me, with no empathy for myself, feeling that I am both a victim of my mother and also the perpetrator of hurting both the women who loved me, and hurting ultimately myself in losing the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I know that if it were not for having NPD, we would have been perfect together, as we were when my NPD was not affecting things.
Now all I can see it total loss of hope, a past that is irreparably damaged, a present I can find no peace in, and a future that has no realistic chance of me finding peace to move forwards in since I have lost all my sense of who I am, as well as all the regret, guilt and remorse and resentment (resentment toward my mother).

The most tragic part is that with that woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, back in 2011, I did ask her if she thought something was wrong with me, and she said I may have a personality disorder (yes this is what happened, but I did not see the significance of it at the time and not sure why I asked at the time, but it must have been a sign), but then we did not take it any further, and I wish that we googled this together back then, as we could have had a chance at getting to the bottom of this back then, it would have been early enough, and just in time to save me from the greatest loss in my life, as well as turning me around and not hurting any other women in my life if I had learned I had NPD back then and researched it and got to the bottom of it and the causes identifying my mother as the cause.
All that information has been online for many years, all we had to do was google it.

I apologise on behalf of all those people with NPD to all those they have hurt with their abusive behavior.
We truly can not see it, and most with NPD never do wake up, and maybe there is a reason why, maybe there is a reason I should have never gone down that rabbit hole and learned the truth, because now, it may just be the end of me.

Studies about NPD and suicide also answer my views on suicide not being in line with the majority of those with suicidal thoughts, as I never could really understand why some people attempt suicide when they gave their reasons, but when I read that those with NPD attempt suicide at a rate lower not only than those with other mental health conditions, but also those of the general population, but when those with NPD do, it is when those defenses come crashing down, and realisation sets in, and yeah that makes sense when those medical studies say that those with NPD then enter a deep state of depression (it feels like true despair, an empty cornered and utterly hopeless feeling regardless of how much analysis I do on it without emotion clouding it), then those studies say we go on to methodically plan, and then execute a suicide plan with the highest chance of success, since at that point life has no meaning anymore, never had meaning in retrospect, no meaning now in the present and no meaning for the future with all the weight of the past, plus lacking empathy for even ourselves when we need it the most.

As much as I try to use my intellect to find hope, to find a way other than suicide, I ultimately feel totally defeated, that I have failed at life, and that I was either never alive to begin with or that I died long ago, maybe back in 2011 when I pushed away the woman who I wanted to spend my life with.

There really isn't much a suicide hotline or therapist can do with that, there is literally nothing positive from my past to grab onto to build from to move forwards.
To others, they saw a man who was a womaniser and drank too much alcohol, and I won't get much sympathy there, but now I can see that the whole womanising, sleeping around with different woman thing was unfortunately something that since it did not conflict with the inner fear of emotional abandonment that the NPD is built to defend against, and especially as other men looked up to me for this and said stuff like "how do you do that?" with how I would chat up women successfully, my ego clearly clinged onto that for my sense of confidence and validation as it did not pose a risk to what my NPD feared, which was deep seated emotional abandonment, but of course, that is not what I truly wanted, I knew I wanted to be with that woman of my dreams when I met her in 2011, that is why I asked her to marry me, but I just didn't see that my NPD was going to make sure I couldn't have the happy ever after.

A loving relationship is what everyone deep down wants, I also knew this at the time, but I just wish I could see how my undiagnosed NPD was self-sabotaging my chance at it, through this NPD which arose as a defence to the abuse my mother subjected me to.

Now that lack of empathy will turn on myself, with the cold heartedness which I treated every woman who came into my life.
Do I deserve it? I don't know, maybe I do, but regardless, I feel that I am on death row, where myself, without the capacity for empathy and full of self-hatred, is the judge, the jury and the executioner, and the governor who won't be granting a stay of execution, nor a pardon, and no matter what I think or feel now, I am already dead inside anyway.

If I could turn back time and google the personality disorders when we had that conversation back in 2011, I would give anything to be able to do that, both for myself, and to save so many other women from the emotional and psychological pain I unintentionally caused them.

I am so deeply sorry.

In a great twist of irony perhaps, I now face the heartlessness of my own lack of empathy and full of self-hate, and I know this isn't going to end well.

So when the Narcissist turns on themselves, they have saved the best for last, so while I have never been physically violent towards anyone before, when facing myself and my own judgement with the complete lack of empathy which I never learned, and without the respect and love for myself that I never learned (those with NPD, we at the core of it never learned to love ourselves), it's a death sentence, because in any case, there is nothing left to save that I can see anyway, no self-identity, a life of lost opportunity and pain, so it's both an act of aggression at oneself, and a merciful act in a way, since I can see no way out of this rabbit hole I have dug myself into now, the rabbit hole that has revealed to me that my whole life was one of being abused as a child, and then emotionally and psychologically abusing the women in my life without even realising it, which ultimately has left me in the ultimate state of despair now I can see it all and the denial is gone.

It's a rabbit hole I went down, finding the truth, that may end up taking my own life, or maybe it already has and my body just hasn't caught up yet.

Take from that what you will.

First of all, thank you very very much for writing this.

Second, congrats on having the courage to face your demons

And last but not least, I'm sorry you went through the abuse that got you here


How did you begin to realise you had the disorder? Like really have it, not just as as possibility.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

This may be quite rare, but I a man who has recently realised that I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for my entire adult life (not sure when it began exactly but it has been all my adult life), after a deep dive down a rabbit hole of self-reflection all of a sudden, my past memories revealed their true narrative, as the subconscious denial that is the facade of NPD came crashing down.

It really hit me as to the cause when I realised that my mother also has NPD, as I was talking with her about something distressing and her reaction was cold and callous and attacking me, and then it all opened up, my childhood, I was neglected and psychologically abused, and used for her own emotional regulation.
She never once told me she loved me, she would insult me and treat me with contempt if I was hurt emotionally, and would ignore me when I wanted to show her something that I did or created when I was a child.

I also realised that I had pushed away every woman that ever loved me or tried to love me, and one of those happened to be the woman that is "the one who got away" who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I am now nearly 40 years old, and I now see that it wasn't everyone else being at fault, it was me, being manipulative, abusive, and pushing away really good women who I was fortunate to have met, and who (even for the ones who I didn't feel the same for them as they did for me in hindsight) I still feel intense guilt for hurting, every single woman I dated/was in a relationship with.
Not only that, but then there is the deep regret for the lost opportunity at lasting love that I was never equipped with how to nurture and grow that bond, all due to my mother using me for her own emotional regulation and her needs, and neglecting my needs as her child.

I am deeply sorry to all the women I have hurt in my life, and I have only deep guilt, regret, remorse and a total loss of my sense of self-identity, as who I thought I was I can now see was a total lie, and add to this that I feel such anger and betrayal at my mother for her abuse of me as her child.
At nearly 40 years old, I can tell you that this is a living hell, and I am not exactly sure how I proceed from here, I had suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old back in 1996, and now I face having to deal with the sudden realisation that I have woken up from a nightmare, and without having learned empathy, ironically this is now what I face, having to face needing to forgive myself and process my entire past, my lost childhood, my adult life squandered in it's entirety as I was living a lie, a fabrication, a facade of my own mind from a maladaptive defense mechanism which arose from the abuse I suffered as a child.

That lack of empathy now is turned on myself, unable to forgive myself, unable to move past the sheer amount and duration of years of regret, lost opportunities at finding love, and all the emotional pain and suffering that I unintentionally caused all those women who loved me, with no empathy for myself, feeling that I am both a victim of my mother and also the perpetrator of hurting both the women who loved me, and hurting ultimately myself in losing the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I know that if it were not for having NPD, we would have been perfect together, as we were when my NPD was not affecting things.
Now all I can see it total loss of hope, a past that is irreparably damaged, a present I can find no peace in, and a future that has no realistic chance of me finding peace to move forwards in since I have lost all my sense of who I am, as well as all the regret, guilt and remorse and resentment (resentment toward my mother).

The most tragic part is that with that woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, back in 2011, I did ask her if she thought something was wrong with me, and she said I may have a personality disorder (yes this is what happened, but I did not see the significance of it at the time and not sure why I asked at the time, but it must have been a sign), but then we did not take it any further, and I wish that we googled this together back then, as we could have had a chance at getting to the bottom of this back then, it would have been early enough, and just in time to save me from the greatest loss in my life, as well as turning me around and not hurting any other women in my life if I had learned I had NPD back then and researched it and got to the bottom of it and the causes identifying my mother as the cause.
All that information has been online for many years, all we had to do was google it.

I apologise on behalf of all those people with NPD to all those they have hurt with their abusive behavior.
We truly can not see it, and most with NPD never do wake up, and maybe there is a reason why, maybe there is a reason I should have never gone down that rabbit hole and learned the truth, because now, it may just be the end of me.

Studies about NPD and suicide also answer my views on suicide not being in line with the majority of those with suicidal thoughts, as I never could really understand why some people attempt suicide when they gave their reasons, but when I read that those with NPD attempt suicide at a rate lower not only than those with other mental health conditions, but also those of the general population, but when those with NPD do, it is when those defenses come crashing down, and realisation sets in, and yeah that makes sense when those medical studies say that those with NPD then enter a deep state of depression (it feels like true despair, an empty cornered and utterly hopeless feeling regardless of how much analysis I do on it without emotion clouding it), then those studies say we go on to methodically plan, and then execute a suicide plan with the highest chance of success, since at that point life has no meaning anymore, never had meaning in retrospect, no meaning now in the present and no meaning for the future with all the weight of the past, plus lacking empathy for even ourselves when we need it the most.

As much as I try to use my intellect to find hope, to find a way other than suicide, I ultimately feel totally defeated, that I have failed at life, and that I was either never alive to begin with or that I died long ago, maybe back in 2011 when I pushed away the woman who I wanted to spend my life with.

There really isn't much a suicide hotline or therapist can do with that, there is literally nothing positive from my past to grab onto to build from to move forwards.
To others, they saw a man who was a womaniser and drank too much alcohol, and I won't get much sympathy there, but now I can see that the whole womanising, sleeping around with different woman thing was unfortunately something that since it did not conflict with the inner fear of emotional abandonment that the NPD is built to defend against, and especially as other men looked up to me for this and said stuff like "how do you do that?" with how I would chat up women successfully, my ego clearly clinged onto that for my sense of confidence and validation as it did not pose a risk to what my NPD feared, which was deep seated emotional abandonment, but of course, that is not what I truly wanted, I knew I wanted to be with that woman of my dreams when I met her in 2011, that is why I asked her to marry me, but I just didn't see that my NPD was going to make sure I couldn't have the happy ever after.

A loving relationship is what everyone deep down wants, I also knew this at the time, but I just wish I could see how my undiagnosed NPD was self-sabotaging my chance at it, through this NPD which arose as a defence to the abuse my mother subjected me to.

Now that lack of empathy will turn on myself, with the cold heartedness which I treated every woman who came into my life.
Do I deserve it? I don't know, maybe I do, but regardless, I feel that I am on death row, where myself, without the capacity for empathy and full of self-hatred, is the judge, the jury and the executioner, and the governor who won't be granting a stay of execution, nor a pardon, and no matter what I think or feel now, I am already dead inside anyway.

If I could turn back time and google the personality disorders when we had that conversation back in 2011, I would give anything to be able to do that, both for myself, and to save so many other women from the emotional and psychological pain I unintentionally caused them.

I am so deeply sorry.

In a great twist of irony perhaps, I now face the heartlessness of my own lack of empathy and full of self-hate, and I know this isn't going to end well.

So when the Narcissist turns on themselves, they have saved the best for last, so while I have never been physically violent towards anyone before, when facing myself and my own judgement with the complete lack of empathy which I never learned, and without the respect and love for myself that I never learned (those with NPD, we at the core of it never learned to love ourselves), it's a death sentence, because in any case, there is nothing left to save that I can see anyway, no self-identity, a life of lost opportunity and pain, so it's both an act of aggression at oneself, and a merciful act in a way, since I can see no way out of this rabbit hole I have dug myself into now, the rabbit hole that has revealed to me that my whole life was one of being abused as a child, and then emotionally and psychologically abusing the women in my life without even realising it, which ultimately has left me in the ultimate state of despair now I can see it all and the denial is gone.

It's a rabbit hole I went down, finding the truth, that may end up taking my own life, or maybe it already has and my body just hasn't caught up yet.

Take from that what you will.

I've done so many stuff to hurt people throughout my life before I became "aware," and I had that realization at MUCH younger than you and with only narcissistic traits, not the full disorder. I CANNOT imagine what you are going through.

Ty so much if you'd like to tell me more about BPD, what caused your traits, please do!

Oh and congrats on changing\healing

You're very welcome. Honestly I wish I had all the answers. My BPD was obviously caused by growing up in an unsure environment around abandonment (mostly due to the multiple mentally, physically, and likely sexually abusive schools I've been going to for years), but the rest? It's so hard to figure out what exactly caused my exact type of BPD traits.

The narcissistic traits honestly hurt me and others way more in my experience, which sucks.

Thanks for the congratulations.

 

[AntHills]

I grew up in a family of nothing but psychologically debilitated people, and a lot of them, including most of my parents, were narcissists. I can personally attest to the fact that being raised by narcs can definitely turn you into one, especially if you are a man. I've just recently realized that I'm infested with narcissistic personality traits, and I've never physically hurt a person, but I have destroyed a few hearts and minds. I'm probably autistic too, but I was never diagnosed because my parents didn't have me evaluated, I wasn't self aware enough to do it as an adult, and will probably CTB before I ever get around to it. I do think that narcissists can be rehabilitated to an extent, and there's a guy with a YT channel called 'Mental Healness' who definitely stands as an example.

 

[venin]

I grew up in a family of nothing but psychologically debilitated people, and a lot of them, including most of my parents, were narcissists. I can personally attest to the fact that being raised by narcs can definitely turn you into one, especially if you are a man. I've just recently realized that I'm infested with narcissistic personality traits, and I've never physically hurt a person, but I have destroyed a few hearts and minds. I'm probably autistic too, but I was never diagnosed because my parents didn't have me evaluated, I wasn't self aware enough to do it as an adult, and will probably CTB before I ever get around to it. I do think that narcissists can be rehabilitated to an extent, and there's a guy with a YT channel called 'Mental Healness' who definitely stands as an example.

I really know what that's like

Ty for the recommandation

 

[AntHills]

This may be quite rare, but I a man who has recently realised that I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) for my entire adult life (not sure when it began exactly but it has been all my adult life), after a deep dive down a rabbit hole of self-reflection all of a sudden, my past memories revealed their true narrative, as the subconscious denial that is the facade of NPD came crashing down.

It really hit me as to the cause when I realised that my mother also has NPD, as I was talking with her about something distressing and her reaction was cold and callous and attacking me, and then it all opened up, my childhood, I was neglected and psychologically abused, and used for her own emotional regulation.
She never once told me she loved me, she would insult me and treat me with contempt if I was hurt emotionally, and would ignore me when I wanted to show her something that I did or created when I was a child.

I also realised that I had pushed away every woman that ever loved me or tried to love me, and one of those happened to be the woman that is "the one who got away" who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I am now nearly 40 years old, and I now see that it wasn't everyone else being at fault, it was me, being manipulative, abusive, and pushing away really good women who I was fortunate to have met, and who (even for the ones who I didn't feel the same for them as they did for me in hindsight) I still feel intense guilt for hurting, every single woman I dated/was in a relationship with.
Not only that, but then there is the deep regret for the lost opportunity at lasting love that I was never equipped with how to nurture and grow that bond, all due to my mother using me for her own emotional regulation and her needs, and neglecting my needs as her child.

I am deeply sorry to all the women I have hurt in my life, and I have only deep guilt, regret, remorse and a total loss of my sense of self-identity, as who I thought I was I can now see was a total lie, and add to this that I feel such anger and betrayal at my mother for her abuse of me as her child.
At nearly 40 years old, I can tell you that this is a living hell, and I am not exactly sure how I proceed from here, I had suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old back in 1996, and now I face having to deal with the sudden realisation that I have woken up from a nightmare, and without having learned empathy, ironically this is now what I face, having to face needing to forgive myself and process my entire past, my lost childhood, my adult life squandered in it's entirety as I was living a lie, a fabrication, a facade of my own mind from a maladaptive defense mechanism which arose from the abuse I suffered as a child.

That lack of empathy now is turned on myself, unable to forgive myself, unable to move past the sheer amount and duration of years of regret, lost opportunities at finding love, and all the emotional pain and suffering that I unintentionally caused all those women who loved me, with no empathy for myself, feeling that I am both a victim of my mother and also the perpetrator of hurting both the women who loved me, and hurting ultimately myself in losing the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I know that if it were not for having NPD, we would have been perfect together, as we were when my NPD was not affecting things.
Now all I can see it total loss of hope, a past that is irreparably damaged, a present I can find no peace in, and a future that has no realistic chance of me finding peace to move forwards in since I have lost all my sense of who I am, as well as all the regret, guilt and remorse and resentment (resentment toward my mother).

The most tragic part is that with that woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, back in 2011, I did ask her if she thought something was wrong with me, and she said I may have a personality disorder (yes this is what happened, but I did not see the significance of it at the time and not sure why I asked at the time, but it must have been a sign), but then we did not take it any further, and I wish that we googled this together back then, as we could have had a chance at getting to the bottom of this back then, it would have been early enough, and just in time to save me from the greatest loss in my life, as well as turning me around and not hurting any other women in my life if I had learned I had NPD back then and researched it and got to the bottom of it and the causes identifying my mother as the cause.
All that information has been online for many years, all we had to do was google it.

I apologise on behalf of all those people with NPD to all those they have hurt with their abusive behavior.
We truly can not see it, and most with NPD never do wake up, and maybe there is a reason why, maybe there is a reason I should have never gone down that rabbit hole and learned the truth, because now, it may just be the end of me.

Studies about NPD and suicide also answer my views on suicide not being in line with the majority of those with suicidal thoughts, as I never could really understand why some people attempt suicide when they gave their reasons, but when I read that those with NPD attempt suicide at a rate lower not only than those with other mental health conditions, but also those of the general population, but when those with NPD do, it is when those defenses come crashing down, and realisation sets in, and yeah that makes sense when those medical studies say that those with NPD then enter a deep state of depression (it feels like true despair, an empty cornered and utterly hopeless feeling regardless of how much analysis I do on it without emotion clouding it), then those studies say we go on to methodically plan, and then execute a suicide plan with the highest chance of success, since at that point life has no meaning anymore, never had meaning in retrospect, no meaning now in the present and no meaning for the future with all the weight of the past, plus lacking empathy for even ourselves when we need it the most.

As much as I try to use my intellect to find hope, to find a way other than suicide, I ultimately feel totally defeated, that I have failed at life, and that I was either never alive to begin with or that I died long ago, maybe back in 2011 when I pushed away the woman who I wanted to spend my life with.

There really isn't much a suicide hotline or therapist can do with that, there is literally nothing positive from my past to grab onto to build from to move forwards.
To others, they saw a man who was a womaniser and drank too much alcohol, and I won't get much sympathy there, but now I can see that the whole womanising, sleeping around with different woman thing was unfortunately something that since it did not conflict with the inner fear of emotional abandonment that the NPD is built to defend against, and especially as other men looked up to me for this and said stuff like "how do you do that?" with how I would chat up women successfully, my ego clearly clinged onto that for my sense of confidence and validation as it did not pose a risk to what my NPD feared, which was deep seated emotional abandonment, but of course, that is not what I truly wanted, I knew I wanted to be with that woman of my dreams when I met her in 2011, that is why I asked her to marry me, but I just didn't see that my NPD was going to make sure I couldn't have the happy ever after.

A loving relationship is what everyone deep down wants, I also knew this at the time, but I just wish I could see how my undiagnosed NPD was self-sabotaging my chance at it, through this NPD which arose as a defence to the abuse my mother subjected me to.

Now that lack of empathy will turn on myself, with the cold heartedness which I treated every woman who came into my life.
Do I deserve it? I don't know, maybe I do, but regardless, I feel that I am on death row, where myself, without the capacity for empathy and full of self-hatred, is the judge, the jury and the executioner, and the governor who won't be granting a stay of execution, nor a pardon, and no matter what I think or feel now, I am already dead inside anyway.

If I could turn back time and google the personality disorders when we had that conversation back in 2011, I would give anything to be able to do that, both for myself, and to save so many other women from the emotional and psychological pain I unintentionally caused them.

I am so deeply sorry.

In a great twist of irony perhaps, I now face the heartlessness of my own lack of empathy and full of self-hate, and I know this isn't going to end well.

So when the Narcissist turns on themselves, they have saved the best for last, so while I have never been physically violent towards anyone before, when facing myself and my own judgement with the complete lack of empathy which I never learned, and without the respect and love for myself that I never learned (those with NPD, we at the core of it never learned to love ourselves), it's a death sentence, because in any case, there is nothing left to save that I can see anyway, no self-identity, a life of lost opportunity and pain, so it's both an act of aggression at oneself, and a merciful act in a way, since I can see no way out of this rabbit hole I have dug myself into now, the rabbit hole that has revealed to me that my whole life was one of being abused as a child, and then emotionally and psychologically abusing the women in my life without even realising it, which ultimately has left me in the ultimate state of despair now I can see it all and the denial is gone.

It's a rabbit hole I went down, finding the truth, that may end up taking my own life, or maybe it already has and my body just hasn't caught up yet.

Take from that what you will.

I honestly can't stop reading this. I know it sounds cheap, but you put all of my feelings into words for me. Please find a way to publish this and put it out there. I think a lot of people can relate to your situation, and I think it would open a lot of eyes. You're an intelligent guy and I think you still have an opportunity to do something good for the world. My condolences to both you and your victims.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Last year, I learned my mom has narc traits and I'm starting to see that my siblings do, too. Growing up, I thought I had a "nice family", as I constantly got this message from my mom. I had a chronically ill dad and my mom went to nursing school so she could care for him. It seemed like she held the family together and kept everyone safe. But one of my sisters was SA'd by more than 1 person outside the family and I was SA'd by 1. My dad's unstable health caused frequent trauma and almost killed me once as a teenager. I think all of us kids have dealt with eating disorders, self harm, suicidality.

My mom was more concerned with fixing us than noticing what was happening right in front of her. The whole picture I had was in service to her image of herself as a savior. She taught us that we were mentally ill fuck-ups and had to listen to her to get better. She was completely self-involved and immature, to this day has no awareness that people have their own inner worlds apart from how she imagines them to be.

I was and again am a scapegoat. Oldest child, people pleaser, pretty, smart, and very naive; sometimes praised and sometimes treated like a manipulative, sex-obsessed, psychopathic liar. It was all projection but I believed it & felt shame all my life. I protected my sisters with everything I had but now they live far away and don't care that I'm suicidal.

I left home young and never intended to return but severe depression stripped me of my independence last year. Now the monster (as I call her) screams at me, threatens me with homelessness regularly, & orders me around the way she did with my dad and her own mother. They were kind and gentle. She would never speak to my sisters or her husband this way. They are all kind of assholes, and my sisters use their children as leverage. I'm the emotional punching bag & want to die because there's no way out.

 

[sirenangelbby]

yes, my ex is a narcissist and tore me down constantly by calling me names and gaslighting me and telling me to kill myself and making everyone believe that i was the problem and that i was crazy to the point where when he broke up with me i practically went insane because i stayed no matter what he did to me and he just discarded me like nothing and even said the breakup meant nothing to him even after he claimed we were soulmates and each others first love and that he wanted to marry me. they're cruel individuals and he told me he hopes i kill myself recently when i exposed his abusive behavior online and has currently been giving me the silent treatment for months so i've had to give closure to myself and get over him.