Discussion Are you actually mentally ill?

[Baskol1]

Do you think youre actually mentally ill? Or is your desire to wanting to die rational? For example because of unbearable pain? Or other problems? Or are you really mentally ill? Maybe even more than depressed, like schizophrenic, or maybe even psychotic? I myself are depressed, but not severely depressed, just slightly depressed But im not really mentall ill, atleast not severely mentally ill. Do you want to kill yourself because of mental illness?

 

[malummo]

i'm actually mentally ill. my diagnosis is depression and anxiety-phobic disorder.

 

[Baskol1]

i'm actually mentally ill. my diagnosis is depression and anxiety-phobic disorder.

Im not depressed, well not really, but im anxious, but thats more because im autistic.

 

[Xaphous]

I believe if I wasn't and hadn't endured such long periods of isolation I wouldn't be mentally ill, so as bullying. Soon I am going to try and get diagnosed with AvPD, c-PTSD and/or apsergers. I have no choice but to try and file for disability because I can't find work, and if I did have a job it would be extremely mentally taxing due to these conditions. I mean I'm willing to try but I just don't get a chance, so what other options do I have? literally zero. In UK it's difficult to get any diagnosis though, you may be passed through 10, 20 doctors and psychiatrists, be trying for years before they finally grant a diagnosis.

 

[Ko9]

I am diagnosed with a lot of bullshit.

 

[Dawn0071111]

PTSD. I never knew this diagnosis was this fucking bad....

 

[Futility]

I think one can be mentally ill and still be capable of rational suicide.

Mental illness is often stamped as a temporary or treatable condition, and often it's swept under the rug whenever someone's still not happy with the quality of life they're living while being treated.

I read about one girl who was going through such mental torment she was finally granted assisted suicide, I think it was in the Netherlands? I was a bit envious of this.
Perfectly rational.

I suffer from CPTSD, DID and chronic pain, with that comes chronic fatigue and deep depression.
In my eyes, suicide is entirely rational because I have such low quality of life that's caused by these issues that are going to stick with me until I die in one way or another.
Things here and there makes it more tolerable, like my boyfriend, my dog, my kratom, friends I've made, but the bad outweighs the good by far for the most part, they offer only temporary relief/distractions if any. Not to mention I'm such a handful that I have a hard time with not getting into heated arguments because my issues are not fully understood.

 

[wanttodie]

yes depression and anxiety-

 

[HGL91]

My PTSD makes it hard for me to move forward.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I mean, technically I'm not mentally ill in that autism is just a neurodivergence and PTSD isn't a mental illness so much as a psychological wound. The depression, eating disorder, agoraphobic tendencies, anxiety, and occasional psychotic episodes stem from that. But that's just me being rather pedantic lol

 

[Dawn0071111]

My PTSD makes it hard for me to move forward.

I just got diagnosed this year. Ptsd is a sonofabiitch! I feel the same way too... I basically don't want to I feel like the furure is an aimless void. Of course its possible, but possibility just has seemed to have lost all meaning for me. Ptsd is such an emotional mindfuck.... I hope you are able to get relief for your symptoms. Until i had this, i had no idea how painful a THOUGHT could be..

 

[HGL91]

I just got diagnosed this year. Ptsd is a sonofabiitch! I feel the same way too... I basically don't want to I feel like the furure is an aimless void. Of course its possible, but possibility just has seemed to have lost all meaning for me. Ptsd is such an emotional mindfuck.... I hope you are able to get relief for your symptoms. Until i had this, i had no idea how painful a THOUGHT could be..

Thank you. It's true. I mean, I've dealt with some painful thoughts in my life, but somehow, I always found a way to find hope again. However, after trying to accomplish things a few times and failure always being the endpoint, it makes wanting to move forward painful. I'm 27 and have had 2 long term relationships (both 4 years) and a couple 1-2 year long relationships, and I'm starting to hate men.

Also, my career prospects get worse and worse. And now I'm without a car.

 

[k75]

Yes, I am actually mentally ill. I have diagnosed major depression, general anxiety disorder, and PTSD. But I also have other things contributing to my situation. I've thought about it a lot, and I think my suicidal urges are caused by my depression but fueled by the other factors. Sometimes I think about it rationally, but other times I completely break down and slip into crisis, and I'm not sure anything I do in that state is rational at all.

Everything is really tangled up together, so I don't know if my mental illness disappeared if I would still want to die. But I do know that my other issues are permanent and are causing me a tremendous amount of suffering. I feel like my life ended 8 years ago and I've just been hanging on, and I'm not sure if I can do it anymore or if I even want to keep trying. Most days I have pretty complete anhedonia, and that alone sucks the will to live right out of me.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Thank you. It's true. I mean, I've dealt with some painful thoughts in my life, but somehow, I always found a way to find hope again. However, after trying to accomplish things a few times and failure always being the endpoint, it makes wanting to move forward painful. I'm 27 and have had 2 long term relationships (both 4 years) and a couple 1-2 year long relationships, and I'm starting to hate men.

Also, my career prospects get worse and worse. And now I'm without a car.

Girl don't even get me started on the men thing... lol. Funnything is, even though what brought me here was a man. Deep down inside I do love them. I think they are fascinating creatures. But good Lord, you would think that since both men and women want to be loved and apprecited, that we all have the same damn needs that shit would not be such a hassle!!! I think the majority to sucessful sucidies are relational- meaning people related. Even bullying.... A person did it to us, heartbreak, rape, assault...don't most of our traumas come in the form of PEOPLE? The very ones we need? Yes....... Not having a car is rough in modern society, I'm sure it makes you feel like you don't stand a chance in todays fast paced world especially when trying to do the job thing.... oh hun.... so much suffering for us all...... I do know only we can manufacture our own hope...... And sometimes we run out of inner raw material....... I would give to you if I could......

huggz and dont hesitiate to reach out to chat if you would like :)

 

[azucaramargo]

I think one can be mentally ill and still be capable of rational suicide.

Mental illness is often stamped as a temporary or treatable condition, and often it's swept under the rug whenever someone's still not happy with the quality of life they're living while being treated.

I read about one girl who was going through such mental torment she was finally granted assisted suicide, I think it was in the Netherlands? I was a bit envious of this.
Perfectly rational.

I suffer from CPTSD, DID and chronic pain, with that comes chronic fatigue and deep depression.
In my eyes, suicide is entirely rational because I have such low quality of life that's caused by these issues that are going to stick with me until I die in one way or another.
Things here and there makes it more tolerable, like my boyfriend, my dog, my kratom, friends I've made, but the bad outweighs the good by far for the most part, they offer only temporary relief/distractions if any. Not to mention I'm such a handful that I have a hard time with not getting into heated arguments because my issues are not fully understood.

It's nice you have a boyfriend.

 

[Futility]

It's nice you have a boyfriend.

I'm blown away that he hasn't gotten sick of my shit yet honestly, but I'm glad I have him.

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm blown away that he hasn't gotten sick of my shit yet honestly, but I'm glad I have him.

That's awesome! Seems like the first two questions any mental-health practitioner asks -- when trying to assess one's functionality -- is whether one is in a relationship or whether one has a job. If I remember correctly, it's usually in that order! Like being able to hold down a relationship is more elusive than staying employed. I really do think I have a mental illness, with which I must contend until the end of my days. Because of all the failed relationships I've racked up, I'm kind of resigned to spending the rest of my life alone. Despite all the outfits and the nails and the Botox and the highlights and the facials and the exercise, I've never had what it took to entice anyone to stick around, and I can't see those odds improving as I age. I sometimes think of my last relationship, and wonder if I just couldda toe'd the line a little more, I'd still be part of a couple. You know, if I'd been more punctual, less high-maintenance, less clingy, less controversial and boat-rocking at my job...that I'd still have a pair of male shoulders on which to lean, or a pair of male thighs to serve as a chair. I also miss the status of having a boyfriend...a picture of him in his underwear as my cell-phone wallpaper...it showed the world that I was lovable and desirable and cared about. I know that's a shallow reason. Sorry for this little rant. I do think I have mental illness, unfortunately. ADHD, depression and some form of borderline personality disorder or bipolar. The yen to kill myself comes from the mental illness -- living with it, trying to prosper and win someone's love in spite of it. That all seems very unlikely, so that often fuels my desire to die. Not like I'd ever have the discipline necessary to withstand the pain of suicide. But, that was a very insightful question you asked. My depression alone, I think, would not make me want to die; it's the feeling that the things with which i struggle now will never improve. Also, feeling like I do things differently and less efficiently/effectively than everyone else is a real bummer. Thank you for asking about that. Your dude is lucky to have someone as thoughtful and as curious as YOU!

Thank you. It's true. I mean, I've dealt with some painful thoughts in my life, but somehow, I always found a way to find hope again. However, after trying to accomplish things a few times and failure always being the endpoint, it makes wanting to move forward painful. I'm 27 and have had 2 long term relationships (both 4 years) and a couple 1-2 year long relationships, and I'm starting to hate men.

Also, my career prospects get worse and worse. And now I'm without a car.

I've been reading all these very convincing articles about electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) being effective for PTSD. I'm not trying to push anything, but I wonder if you'd considered that option. It sounds very under-utilized in the U.S., despite its rapid healing effects. I wish I had some sources all ready to cite for you, but alas I don't. Just wanted to introduce the subject of ECT.

 

[Futility]

That's awesome! Seems like the first two questions any mental-health practitioner asks -- when trying to assess one's functionality -- is whether one is in a relationship or whether one has a job. If I remember correctly, it's usually in that order! Like being able to hold down a relationship is more elusive than staying employed. I really do think I have a mental illness, with which I must contend until the end of my days. Because of all the failed relationships I've racked up, I'm kind of resigned to spending the rest of my life alone. Despite all the outfits and the nails and the Botox and the highlights and the facials and the exercise, I've never had what it took to entice anyone to stick around, and I can't see those odds improving as I age. I sometimes think of my last relationship, and wonder if I just couldda toe'd the line a little more, I'd still be part of a couple. You know, if I'd been more punctual, less high-maintenance, less clingy, less controversial and boat-rocking at my job...that I'd still have a pair of male shoulders on which to lean, or a pair of male thighs to serve as a chair. I also miss the status of having a boyfriend...a picture of him in his underwear as my cell-phone wallpaper...it showed the world that I was lovable and desirable and cared about. I know that's a shallow reason. Sorry for this little rant. I do think I have mental illness, unfortunately. ADHD, depression and some form of borderline personality disorder or bipolar. The yen to kill myself comes from the mental illness -- living with it, trying to prosper and win someone's love in spite of it. That all seems very unlikely, so that often fuels my desire to die. Not like I'd ever have the discipline necessary to withstand the pain of suicide. But, that was a very insightful question you asked. My depression alone, I think, would not make me want to die; it's the feeling that the things with which i struggle now will never improve. Also, feeling like I do things differently and less efficiently/effectively than everyone else is a real bummer. Thank you for asking about that. Your dude is lucky to have someone as thoughtful and as curious as YOU!

Thank you for the kind words!
What you said about functionality is interesting, because on my good days I can easily walk home with people's phone numbers, make friends left and right, but then I spend days by myself having to recharge(introvert).
If I have to do anything that matters, like having a job, I break down within days. I seem to be rather dysfunctional at best.

I actually have a friend with BPD, I understand the issue with being clingy and the disorder being rather demonized and misunderstood, what I learned was to put down boundaries and built an understanding between us, and ever since, we've had a very tight knit connection that doesn't crumble apart just because of having a heated episode, we're still friends at the end of the day. No judgement as I understand what causes these emotional explosions.

I honestly don't think you need botox or cute outfits to entice people, I have not worn makeup or pretty nails even once in my life, perhaps I get a haircut from time to time and wear a dress if I feel special, but in general, what you see is what you get.
I learned that I form the best friendships by not trying to impress and instead put myself out there with honesty and being upfront about how broken I am, yes, some people run away, but those who stay, they're good people.
I think you have just not been fortunate enough to meet someone who's been worth your time, for a while I was completely alone as well, I told myself that being alone is better than having bad friends, so never force yourself to have "friends" that mean nothing to you.

Thank you again.

 

[azucaramargo]

Thank you for the kind words!
What you said about functionality is interesting, because on my good days I can easily walk home with people's phone numbers, make friends left and right, but then I spend days by myself having to recharge(introvert).
If I have to do anything that matters, like having a job, I break down within days. I seem to be rather dysfunctional at best.

I actually have a friend with BPD, I understand the issue with being clingy and the disorder being rather demonized and misunderstood, what I learned was to put down boundaries and built an understanding between us, and ever since, we've had a very tight knit connection that doesn't crumble apart just because of having a heated episode, we're still friends at the end of the day. No judgement as I understand what causes these emotional explosions.

I honestly don't think you need botox or cute outfits to entice people, I have not worn makeup or pretty nails even once in my life, perhaps I get a haircut from time to time and wear a dress if I feel special, but in general, what you see is what you get.
I learned that I form the best friendships by not trying to impress and instead put myself out there with honesty and being upfront about how broken I am, yes, some people run away, but those who stay, they're good people.
I think you have just not been fortunate enough to meet someone who's been worth your time, for a while I was completely alone as well, I told myself that being alone is better than having bad friends, so never force yourself to have "friends" that mean nothing to you.

Thank you again.

Futility, how sweet of you! Your message made my eyes well up a little. Your BPD friend is so lucky to have you. And, the fact that you have drawn boundaries, but not kicked her out of your life is so amazing and understanding of you. Thank you for your encouragement and advice about relationships; it is some of the best I've ever heard. Thank you.

 

[mathieu]

I am really mentally ill. Not sure if my current diagnosis is bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder but I'm nuts for sure.

 

[StillWaiting]

I was diagnosed with depression but I am not really sure if it is real because of how shitty the world is.
All I know I become really anxious very easily these days and can't find motivation to get anything done.

 

[Sailfisher]

Nope. Just a series of unfortunate events...

 

[Readytogo227]

Yes. I think I may be insane, or at least on the brink. I hallucinate being killed by people I work with and people I care about, but then in moments everything is normal again. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II, Major Depression, PTSD, and my psychiatrist says I have "various symptoms of other mental illinesses" so she can't really pinpoint all of it. I said, "Why not just say I'm all fucked up?" Seriously, I've been labeled with so much shit. What's a few more onto the platter?

 

[Baskol1]

Yes. I think I may be insane, or at least on the brink. I hallucinate being killed by people I work with and people I care about, but then in moments everything is normal again. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II, Major Depression, PTSD, and my psychiatrist says I have "various symptoms of other mental illinesses" so she can't really pinpoint all of it. I said, "Why not just say I'm all fucked up?" Seriously, I've been labeled with so much shit. What's a few more onto the platter?

Severe mental illness sucks. Its like terminal illness. Sucks too. People say suicide is irrational because of mental illness, but mental illness is still an illness, and if its too severe, you will never enjoy life. For example i have severe anxiety of going blind.

 

[Readytogo227]

Severe mental illness sucks. Its like terminal illness. Sucks too. People say suicide is irrational because of mental illness, but mental illness is still an illness, and if its too severe, you will never enjoy life. For example i have severe anxiety of going blind.

And this is why I am always tempted to say to people who tell me why I should be so happy, "I'm sorry, are you trying to rationalize with a crazy person?"

Note: Not calling you crazy. I'm calling myself crazy.

 

[Baskol1]

And this is why I am always tempted to say to people who tell me why I should be so happy, "I'm sorry, are you trying to rationalize with a crazy person?"

Note: Not calling you crazy. I'm calling myself crazy.

Many mental illnesses are not curable, only managable, but sometimes they are not managable. I think in this cases suicide is the only way out of misery.

 

[Now_And_Then]

Yes I am severely mentally ill . I have to keep doing rituals every where just so I get rid of nasty thoughts


It is making my life hell and I just want tij end it all


My suicide is also because of how this world is

 

[Misanthrope]

Sadly both. I view myself as mentally ill, I guess, because I am not choosing to behave certain ways nor live a disordered life constantly hampered by limits and workarounds and consequences that have the same inevitability of an epileptic fit occurring. I did not choose to wipe out a chunk of my father's savings by spontaneously deciding to go to Turkey, strand myself out there and devolve to psychosis to the point of enjoying their version of psychiatric hospitality. I will never eat green beans or rice again!

Nor did I intend to ruin and damage two relationships by thinking my dead loved one had returned as my Yoga instructor. Something I pursued to the detriment of both individuals at the time. When sense returned I was left with the secondary wreckage of having to end it with my no longer soul mate who I felt nothing real for... I don't even believe in spiritualism normally so it wasn't myself as I would view myself to be. Too many bridges burnt, too many occurrences like that for it not to be something other than illness of some kind at work. Bipolar runs deep through one side of my family. I guess I won the hereditary lottery there...

But also I feel my suicidal state is a rational one. What semblance of control I had managed over bipolar has been lost completely due to physical issues arriving. (Even then it was hard. )Meaning I am essentially treatment-resistant as all these medications are hard on already compromised organs. Medical science tells me those same organs will continue to degrade and other issues will crop up. So no positive spin will help nor will be being told to take a nice walk in nature. As that will just make me vomit. It is not terminal though but it means the quality of my life will continue to degrade. The future is bleak if I continue sucking in breath.

Philosophically I was a bit of a hedonist in how I approached life, the joy of meaningful experience pursued at every opportunity and shared with everyone I love. There is no meaningful experience in vomiting daily and vicariously living through computer screens watching others having meaningful experiences and missing my nieces ballet recital. This is a hollow pointless existence fraught with added fears of homelessness and future cuts to support services I do have that give me the barest quality of life on occasion.

It is untenable for me to continue this way. fear and pain is no way to live. Quality of life is more important to me than the longevity of life. I don't want to die like this, it seems like a sad defeat. I detest it has come down to this. I detest how isolated I am with the knowledge I am going to end it soon while keeping an optimistic front. I resent society for not letting me be able to say goodbye without provoking consequences that can fix nothing!

I have had arguments in the past with a few people I opened up to that questioned my logic. My bitter response was to challenge them to put their hand in a fire and keep it there whilst simultaneously trying to enjoy a good book...

My point was made. It is also not like I have not tried to put out that fire in the first place through various methods over the years. Both standard and not so standard. With some success in areas, I am very grateful for. But also plenty of failures that felt like pouring petrol on an existing fire. Some methods are simply financially inaccessible at this stage.

There comes a point where it is not feasible to accept enduring physical or mental pain, nor the pain society inflicts when you are at your lowest ebb. Making out you are a criminal, useless eater for being non-productive like you are choosing this miserable state of affairs and just need a more positive attitude and kick up the backside.

I detest how isolated I am with the knowledge I am going to end it soon. Here is my only refuge from that sense of loneliness. I resent society for not letting me be able to say goodbye without provoking consequences that can factually fix nothing! The universe of help these days feels too much like gambling on people not being overly tired assholes with top-down pressures and targets to meet.

I detest so much these days, even the world itself seems like it is on fire. Both literally and figuratively. Whilst people deny there is any correlation between fire and things burning. How the fuck did it get this absurd? This is meant to be the information age but it seems to be breeding utterly baffling depths of painful stupidity. The kind of stupidity you can't even laugh at because it is going to swallow up your loved ones to their own diminished quality of life.

But most of all I detest the husk thing I have become. That in truth is already dead and is simply pretending at being fine with this level of decline and insanity. For now, I stay pretending at a facsimile of life. My sole goal to at least ensure my loved ones are safe enough when I depart. but it still feels like an awful defeat because there is no escaping this will cause them a lot of pain in the end. It will no doubt set some of them back a long way and revisit old traumas. Each day feels more and more like being trapped by love and a detest that I am resenting my loved ones for making me endure invisibly, just a single day or moment longer. That to me feels like losing even more of myself but I can't live just for them in this state of guaranteed worsening misery and pain. I have to endure just a bit longer for the sake of decency but it is hard.

Sigh.

 

[Mr2005]

No not really. The diagnosis I was given I don't think are correct in fact I think they wasted my time and I let them. I find it difficult to live with that and I think I'd have to be mentally ill to be fine with it

 

[woxihuanni]

Nope, I am grieving and also have to deal with a lot of practical problems.