Anyone else past their time?

[itsgone2]

I was holding on for a few reasons but they are now in the past. I'm at least a month past my ideal date.
Anyone else perpetually stuck?
I feel like a joke is being played on me.
There's no reason for being here. I dry fire my gun. Load and unload. Get careless and pull the trigger. Still here and absolutely pissed about it

 

[tonicer]

I should have died ages ago. I am now 43 but when i was around 14 i wanted to lay my neck on the train tracks and get decapitated (I'm in Germany so sadly no easy access to guns) but i didn't do it because i just can't bring myself to hurt my mother. She loves me with all her heart and it would be a great crime to make her bury me. So i postponed my suicide at least until after her passing. She's almost 80 and she maybe has 10-15 more years ahead of her. I waited 30 years how hard can 10-15 more be? I have to make it, for her.

 

[itsgone2]

I waited 30 years how hard can 10-15 more be? I have to make it, for her.

Amazing. I don't know how you hold on. Life has always been a miserable burden for me and I just desperately want out.

 

[Argent]

My cat. If it weren't for her, I'd be gone. I care not for myself, but I made a promise to her that I'd take care of her. She deserves the world.

I should have died back in 2022.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

I was wishing for death ever since I was twelve years old. I am currently 27 and looking to complete this fucking punishment of a year of my life.

I live in a European country with no access to guns otherwise I would have done it already. I wish I had a clean method to do it because I am afraid of failing at it just like I have failed at everything else in my life

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm 44 and I should have died when I was 10 because the worst things happened at this age.

 

[SomewhereNew]

Yes for 4 years I've achieved nothing my whole twenties even

 

[telekon]

I was holding on for a few reasons but they are now in the past. I'm at least a month past my ideal date.
Anyone else perpetually stuck?
I feel like a joke is being played on me.
There's no reason for being here. I dry fire my gun. Load and unload. Get careless and pull the trigger. Still here and absolutely pissed about it

Yeah about the same. I have a very tiny shrivel of hope that is not really visible but it's there.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

Stuck very much, stuck in this stupid time. I don't even or have purpose to keep going. I never had anything actually wish I killed myself when I was 9 since I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. I wish for death everyday hopefully.

 

[tonicer]

Amazing. I don't know how you hold on. Life has always been a miserable burden for me and I just desperately want out.

I know, my life has been a continuous line of bad luck and failures. There are days when I want to end it all, but I just can't bring myself to harm my mother. She's the most important person in my life. I have to stay alive for her and help her as best I can until her time comes, and then I will be free.

I think it all started when I watched The Lord of the Rings for the first time and heard King Théoden say, 'No parent should have to bury their child.'



This scene broke something in me and I cried my eyes out.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

I know, my life has been a continuous line of bad luck and failures. There are days when I want to end it all, but I just can't bring myself to harm my mother. She's the most important person in my life. I have to stay alive for her and help her as best I can until her time comes, and then I will be free.

I think it all started when I watched The Lord of the Rings for the first time and heard King Théoden say, 'No parent should have to bury their child.'



This scene broke something in me and I cried my eyes out.

I admire your strength so much. My mom's the only reason I stay too but I'm finding it harder and harder each day. I'm not even living just existing and wasting air. This version of me doesn't even deserve my mom but even as useless as I am right now, I know me being gone would still break her. How do you do it? How do you keep the will to push through?

 

[lastappleonearth]

I was holding on for a few reasons but they are now in the past. I'm at least a month past my ideal date.
Anyone else perpetually stuck?
I feel like a joke is being played on me.
There's no reason for being here. I dry fire my gun. Load and unload. Get careless and pull the trigger. Still here and absolutely pissed about it

Yeah sure feels like it

 

[ScarletTanager]

I know, my life has been a continuous line of bad luck and failures. There are days when I want to end it all, but I just can't bring myself to harm my mother. She's the most important person in my life. I have to stay alive for her and help her as best I can until her time comes, and then I will be free.

I think it all started when I watched The Lord of the Rings for the first time and heard King Théoden say, 'No parent should have to bury their child.'



This scene broke something in me and I cried my eyes out.

I had to bury my child, and agree.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

I had to bury my child, and agree.

I'm so sorry for your loss . I can't imagine the pain and grief you feel

 

[tonicer]

I admire your strength so much. My mom's the only reason I stay too but I'm finding it harder and harder each day. I'm not even living just existing and wasting air. This version of me doesn't even deserve my mom but even as useless as I am right now, I know me being gone would still break her. How do you do it? How do you keep the will to push through?

I also feel like i don't deserve her or her love. I get all my strength from her reactions to my day to day work. She is always thankful and happy when i do things for her like buying groceries or carrying heavy stuff or cooking or cleaning or gardening and so on also she sees me as an equal in philosophical discussions. It is still very hard to keep going and on some days i feel exhausted and fatigued but i pull myself up and muddle through always with the thought that i don't have to keep going forever. I hope she lives a long life but i know it will end some day and that day will be equally extremely sad but also i will be finally free to go. I hope i find another reason to keep going that can take her place before she leaves me behind.

I had to bury my child, and agree.

You have my utmost sympathies. Sending you a virtual hug and lots of love.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

I also feel like i don't deserve her or her love. I get all my strength from her reactions to my day to day work. She is always thankful and happy when i do things for her like buying groceries or carrying heavy stuff or cooking or cleaning or gardening and so on also she sees me as an equal in philosophical discussions. It is still very hard to keep going and on some days i feel exhausted and fatigued but i pull myself up and muddle through always with the thought that i don't have to keep going forever. I hope she lives a long life but i know it will end some day and that day will be equally extremely sad but also i will be finally free to go. I hope i find another reason to keep going that can take her place before she leaves me behind.

You have my utmost sympathies. Sending you a virtual hug and lots of love.

It definitely does sound like you deserve her and her love . She's really lucky to have you. It takes a lot of strength to survive with these feelings. I really do admire your strength and your love for her. I hope I can be as selfless as you for my mom. I also hope you do find another reason to keep going. You sound like you have such a beautiful soul and it would be a shame if this shitty world lost something so great.

 

[flowerbomb]

I had to bury my child, and agree.

I am so so sorry for your loss!!!

 

[tonicer]

It definitely does sound like you deserve her and her love . She's really lucky to have you. It takes a lot of strength to survive with these feelings. I really do admire your strength and your love for her. I hope I can be as selfless as you for my mom. I also hope you do find another reason to keep going. You sound like you have such a beautiful soul and it would be a shame if this shitty world lost something so great.

Thank you very much for those lovely words. I wish people would see me behind my ugly face but so far no one did. Maybe i have more luck in the future but my hope is waning.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

Thank you very much for those lovely words. I wish people would see me behind my ugly face but so far no one did. Maybe i have more luck in the future but my hope is waning.

I don't need to see you to know that you are not ugly. I'm sorry if people made you feel that way. It's their loss. It's the beauty that's on the inside that should matter and it sounds like you have an abundance of it.

 

[tonicer]

I don't need to see you to know that you are not ugly. I'm sorry if people made you feel that way. It's their loss. It's the beauty that's on the inside that should matter and it sounds like you have an abundance of it.

It fills me with genuine joy to hear that you believe that but the reality is that most people only see the outside of a person and most don't give someone like me a chance because of my outside so they will never know my inside.

In my 43 years on this planet i got one compliment about my appearance from a woman i am not related to. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was doing some garden work and wore my old scrappy sweat pants and a t-shirt with holes in it (i wear damaged clothing as garden clothes) and the girlfriend of my older brother (+9) who was there visiting us said "No matter what you wear, it always looks good." (or in German "Ganz egal was du trägst es sieht immer gut aus.") it took me a long time to understand it as a compliment because in German wearing clothes and carrying something is the same word (tragen) and i thought she meant how easily i carried that plant pot or whatever it was i carried and i made it look easy or good or something.

 

[pleaseletmeleave]

It fills me with genuine joy to hear that you believe that but the reality is that most people only see the outside of a person and most don't give someone like me a chance because of my outside so they will never know my inside.

In my 43 years on this planet i got one compliment about my appearance from a woman i am not related to. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was doing some garden work and wore my old scrappy sweat pants and a t-shirt with holes in it (i wear damaged clothing as garden clothes) and the girlfriend of my older brother (+9) who was there visiting us said "No matter what you wear, it always looks good." (or in German "Ganz egal was du trägst es sieht immer gut aus.") it took me a long time to understand it as a compliment because in German wearing clothes and carrying something is the same word (tragen) and i thought she meant how easily i carried that plant pot or whatever it was i carried and i made it look easy or good or something.

ya well most people are shit and those kinds of people don't really deserve to see the inside. It's hard to see I'm sure, but maybe you're better off? That's how I feel most of the time. I'd rather be alone forever than with someone who only cares what I look like. The world is filled with shallow people and it sucks that genuinely good people get overlooked. I'm sorry for that. I'm not sure your gender but if you are male, as a woman I can say we are guilty of not giving men enough compliments on their appearance even when we are attracted to them. I honestly didn't realize how important that reassurance would be until you brought it up. I'm usually really shy to do that so don't just assume because you haven't had many compliments that people haven't found you attractive because I'm sure that's not the case.

 

[FuneralCry]

I truly have suffered for far too long in this existence so dreadful and torturous that I just always saw as a mistake but of course I never should had suffered at all, no matter what the peace of non-existence is just all I could hope for and is just all I see as positive.

I always suffer so much from being trapped in this existence that just causes all of this suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, existence will always be an abomination to me, all I want is to erase this existence so it's like I never suffered, I always find it so torturous to be burdened with this existence that is just waiting to die anyway.

 

[tonicer]

ya well most people are shit and those kinds of people don't really deserve to see the inside. It's hard to see I'm sure, but maybe you're better off? That's how I feel most of the time. I'd rather be alone forever than with someone who only cares what I look like. The world is filled with shallow people and it sucks that genuinely good people get overlooked. I'm sorry for that. I'm not sure your gender but if you are male, as a woman I can say we are guilty of not giving men enough compliments on their appearance even when we are attracted to them. I honestly didn't realize how important that reassurance would be until you brought it up. I'm usually really shy to do that so don't just assume because you haven't had many compliments that people haven't found you attractive because I'm sure that's not the case.

Thank you for your kind words. I am male and I have zero experience with women so i had no idea that you guys are shy about that stuff. I always thought that i am just not attractive enough to get compliments. Thank you for that insight you changed the view i have of myself.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I've postponed my death for far too long. I knew it was logical for me to end things years ago. but I kept fighting for "happiness." I still am, foolishly. it's only caused me so much unnecessary pain and trauma.