anyone else desensitised themselves to most pain and arent worried about being uncomfortable when they ctb?

[h4ppyhypoxia]

this is probably going to sound edgy but bare with, at first i was so scared about ctb being uncomfortable, but then i realised, i experience significant discomfort every day? why should i let that bother me? ive been in horrible pain and come out of it before? does anyone else feel similar?

im looking into SN, and im not really worried about vomiting or the other symptoms, my only worry is that id vomit out the SN

i have an eating disorder, ive stuck my fingers down my throat multiple times even when my heart is pounding and i have a horrible pressure in my head, ive pushed through the feeling of choking on my own fingers multiple times even though i hate it, even with the disgusting bile and sometimes blood that comes up with the food, ive felt the sore throat that comes with that, ive even torn a small part of my throat in the past doing that

ive binge eaten until my stomach feels like it is going to explode and the only thing i can feel is the pain in my stomach from the surplus of food, ive restricted my intake until i feel my heart pound in my chest and i feel like im going to faint every time i stand up, ive walked on my foot so much that i got a stress fracture, and i kept on walking on it until i physically couldnt anymore and had to go on crutches bc i was so terrified of weight gain

ive burnt my skin with cigarettes and other objects multiple times to a deep second degree, ive cut myself, ive had countless blood tests due to my eating disorder, im USED to being in pain, ive messed up my digestion so i basically live with permanent stomach discomfort, ive had a tattoo in one of the most painful areas and been fine, i know i can handle the 6/10 rated peacefulness from SN

ive attempted PSH a couple of times, ive put my head underwater in the bath to try and desensitise myself to air hunger, ive put my head in a plastic bag to do the same, as id like to pair SN with a nitrogen exit bag to have absolute certainty i WILL ctb and if something goes wrong with that i could potentially experience some air hunger

ive had panic attacks where ive felt like i was dying and couldnt breathe, hyperventillating until my arms and legs tingle

it makes me feel a bit cocky to say but i genuinely feel like im USED to feeling pain so im not worried about it, i know i can push through, ive hurt my own body in so many ways, surely its reasonable for me to not worry about the pain that comes with dying? im not saying i LIKE pain or i think it will be a good experience, i just suspect that im going to be able to tolerate it, and that ill have less SI because i literally have a mental illness where i am starving my body and damaging it so in a way i am overcoming it a little each day

 

[10mmc]

I will say what I have experienced, I have enjoyed causing myself pain sometimes through things like choking myself, hitting myself, burning, purging, stabbing, cutting. Idk how to describe it and I am not someone who has obvious self harm scars or self harms regularly. I have done some ctb experimenting and I think what has happened is I have created a mental space in my head I go to that feels detached and safe and desensitized to everything including physical pain. I was suffering from stomach issues that were either gallstones or gastritis I have confirmed stones and I think those attacks desensitized me to pain considerably on top of doing childbirth with the majority of the experience having no pain meds. Its like I am building this desensitized space in my head I would and have gone to when CTB seems likely.

 

[itsgone2]

ive had panic attacks where ive felt like i was dying and couldnt breathe, hyperventillating until my arms and legs tingle

These are crazy. I've only had one but I'm shocked at how awful it was.
I've had some other horrible pains. But no I don't think they've helped. If anything the opposite. I was really hoping I was done with the worst pains in my life.

 

[Forveleth]

I thought about doing this but I just kept practicing partial until I found my sweet spot and it did not hurt. Seemed much easier than torturing myself.

 

[Passenger4224]

I'm not desensitized to pain but I never really particularly cared about the agony of a CTB method. All that matters to me is the outcome.

 

[jdogg60]

When I try meditating on what it might feel like, it seems that its a fear of death, rather than fear of pain, that gives me pause.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

When I try meditating on what it might feel like, it seems that its a fear of death, rather than fear of pain, that gives me pause.

im scared of permanent disability from attempting the most, im kind of scared of death too, in the sense of im throwing things away, and my family + friends would be very sad, but this is for my peace

 

[peacebenow]

It is not my main concern. I am used to excruciating pain.

 

[kirillbledny]

Sometimes I worry about it, but I have the same thought process as you, I've been through so much pain already from so many different sources (the worst pain was when I had an ear infection and they had to cut my eardrum, genuinely felt like a gunshot straight into my ear), so I don't worry too much. I also b/p before, so idc about throwing SN up, I'd just drink another cup. I've cut my arm open for 3 hours straight before until I had a 15 cm long, fat deep wound. I feel very ready and calm for whatever comes when I finally ctb. It can't ever be as bad as what I've already lived through. I actually think that having these kinds of self-injurious experiences (ED, SH) really primes you for the final moment.

 

[Aren]

this is probably going to sound edgy but bare with, at first i was so scared about ctb being uncomfortable, but then i realised, i experience significant discomfort every day? why should i let that bother me? ive been in horrible pain and come out of it before? does anyone else feel similar?

im looking into SN, and im not really worried about vomiting or the other symptoms, my only worry is that id vomit out the SN

i have an eating disorder, ive stuck my fingers down my throat multiple times even when my heart is pounding and i have a horrible pressure in my head, ive pushed through the feeling of choking on my own fingers multiple times even though i hate it, even with the disgusting bile and sometimes blood that comes up with the food, ive felt the sore throat that comes with that, ive even torn a small part of my throat in the past doing that

ive binge eaten until my stomach feels like it is going to explode and the only thing i can feel is the pain in my stomach from the surplus of food, ive restricted my intake until i feel my heart pound in my chest and i feel like im going to faint every time i stand up, ive walked on my foot so much that i got a stress fracture, and i kept on walking on it until i physically couldnt anymore and had to go on crutches bc i was so terrified of weight gain

ive burnt my skin with cigarettes and other objects multiple times to a deep second degree, ive cut myself, ive had countless blood tests due to my eating disorder, im USED to being in pain, ive messed up my digestion so i basically live with permanent stomach discomfort, ive had a tattoo in one of the most painful areas and been fine, i know i can handle the 6/10 rated peacefulness from SN

ive attempted PSH a couple of times, ive put my head underwater in the bath to try and desensitise myself to air hunger, ive put my head in a plastic bag to do the same, as id like to pair SN with a nitrogen exit bag to have absolute certainty i WILL ctb and if something goes wrong with that i could potentially experience some air hunger

ive had panic attacks where ive felt like i was dying and couldnt breathe, hyperventillating until my arms and legs tingle

it makes me feel a bit cocky to say but i genuinely feel like im USED to feeling pain so im not worried about it, i know i can push through, ive hurt my own body in so many ways, surely its reasonable for me to not worry about the pain that comes with dying? im not saying i LIKE pain or i think it will be a good experience, i just suspect that im going to be able to tolerate it, and that ill have less SI because i literally have a mental illness where i am starving my body and damaging it so in a way i am overcoming it a little each day

I feel empty devoid of energy or emotion. I do feel the pain, but as I said before, my life is a living hell; so, the suffering involved in dying is just one more kind of pain but one that leads to freedom. It hurts, it makes me sad, and my body is in a state of panic, yet my mind is numb and resigned. During my attempts, two thoughts often cross my mind: I shouldn't have to endure a life I never asked for, and perhaps this pain is justified; so many people have criticized me that maybe I deserve to suffer in order to leave. In any case, the pain doesn't frighten my mind; I feel at peace with death and the pain that leads to it.

I feel strange to think about it because all my life was lead by the desire to have a happy life. Now i am a prisoner of my own painful life. Nobody deserve it so pain or not if no one help me to stop it in life, i have to stop it in death.

 

[lunamoonki]

Irregardless of the pain i feel inside, I am still scared of the pain I'll feel when I do decide to CTB. I am a coward.

 

[Aren]

Irregardless of the pain i feel inside, I am still scared of the pain I'll feel when I do decide to CTB. I am a coward.

It's very hard for the body and brain to accept to ctb, the SI is the main reason. So you are not a coward.