Yeah, I think I was pretty much destined to ctb. Ever since I can remember life seemed burdensome to me. I have been very fortunate in life in terms of my economic circumstances, and my parents always made sure I was involved in activities when I was a child. I never had any passion for any of them; I participated only because it seemed to be the path of least resistance.
Same thing with every aspect of my life since. I've never bothered to get a girlfriend in my 26 years on this planet. Now that I'm unemployed and struggling to find a job I'm discovering that most people in my field have a passion for what they do. I'm afraid that there's really just not a position for someone like me in this society, certainly not a decent position.
To the OP: What's your story?
I'm so sorry I never responded to you. I hadn't seen this post until today.
I can relate to your comment about life always seeming like it was burdensome. I certainly feel the same way.
My story is very long and complicated, but I can try to sum it up as best as I can.
I have many reasons for wanting to ctb.
Early in my life, I lost my mother and my sister (who was like my second mother) both to breast cancer. It's a long complicated story which you can find if you search through other posts that I've made, but basically the circumstances under which my mother died caused my family to blame me for her death. Since her death set off a series of tragedies in my family, everything that happened after her death was also blamed on me. I became the family scapegoat and the family doormat. My family could twist any incident around so that it came out at the end as being my fault, even if I had nothing to do with it, or in a couple of cases was not even alive when a couple of things that they blamed me for happened!
i'm sure if they had wanted to, my family could've figured out a way to blame me for the assassination of Abraham Lincoln or the
rise of Adolf Hitler, even though I was not alive for either of those events.
My brother and my father once got into an argument and didn't speak to each other for five long years. The only way they could make up with each other was by mutually agreeing that the argument had been all my fault to begin with.
Then I was given a wonderful gift when I met my husband. He was a wonderful man and we had a wonderful life together for 26 years. I feel incredibly fortunate that I had him & the good times that we had together in my life. I tried hard to never take him for granted.
However, I knew the day I allowed him into my heart that he would be taken away from me. I seem to be cursed to watch every person I love suffer and die. At the same time, every disease I get is horrible and debilitating, but not fatal. And also not a disease that is taken seriously by doctors. The two main diseases I have, depression and hypothyroidism, are both seen by the medical community as easily treated. However, in my case neither of them has been easily treated despite multiple attempts over decades to get well and treat both diseases. I've been dealing with depression for probably most of my life and I've been seeking treatment for it off & on for 36 years. Yet all the doctors offer me is yet one more antidepressant and more therapy. At this point, if antidepressants and therapy worked, I would've been fixed a long long time ago. I've been dealing with hypothyroidism for 23 years. For the first 13 years I was on the wrong medication and the doctors refused to change my medicine, so I continued to get sicker and sicker and sicker. Despite this I had doctors who told me I was "cured". And even though all my symptoms just happened to be symptoms of hypothyroidism, that was not the problem. In fact, I was told the problem was either all in my head or was my own fault. About 10 years ago I got so sick that I couldn't get out of bed. I was sleeping up to 22 hours a day. I was incredibly dizzy and couldn't walk through the house without holding onto things. I fainted at the drop of a hat. I had severe brain fog. I couldn't concentrate or focus on anything or follow a TV program that I had seen hundreds of times and knew all the dialogue to.
Still the doctors told me it was all in my head and I was ridiculed and lectured by Drs and labeled a hypochondriac. Just when I had given up all hope and figured I would just fall into a coma one day and not wake up, which is what happens if you let hypothyroidism go untreated for long enough, I finally met a doctor that was willing to switch me to a different medication. However, even this doctor refused to give me enough of the medication. So now I was finally on a medication that helped me, and in the beginning I did have some improvement, but I was never completely well or even anywhere near well. I still had the exhaustion, dizziness, low body temperature, low blood pressure, fainting, and severe brain fog, among other symptoms. But it did allow me to be able to get out of bed and function to some minimal amount. I continued to ask for raises in my medication and this doctor refused, so I had to continue on functioning at a minimal rate. Then my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and I had to put all of my own problems on the back burner and focus on him. I continued to struggle with my own issues while I was taking care of him and focusing on his health for five long years. Eventually, on October 15th of 2017, my husband passed away and my life came to an end. The problem is that my body just wasn't aware of it yet. I spent most of last year dealing with the horrible aftermath of my husband's death, as well as trying to move away from where I lived with him because it was just unbearable. I finally managed to move across the country to where I live now a little over a year ago. After I arrived here, I almost immediately collapsed and both my mental and physical health began taking a nosedive. It was my intent to not bother seeing a doctor because I knew they wouldn't do anything to help me.
However, my sister-in-law bothered me for an entire year to go see a doctor, so about three months ago in August, I relented and went to a doctor. I did it mainly to get her off my back because I already knew what was going to happen. Sure enough, I was correct. For the depression, I was given yet another antidepressant and told for the nine millionth time to go into therapy. For the thyroid problem, I was given a raise in my medicine, though not enough of a raise. Therefore, I'm still feeling exactly the same way I did before I went to the doctor.
At this point, I feel like I've done everything I possibly could to fix my issues. I feel very confident that the only answer to my problems is to ctb. I was originally planning on doing it tonight. However, last week once I had everything in place, I began having second thoughts about doing it now right before the holidays. There aren't many people left who will be upset about my death, as far as I know. But the few who will be upset, I have decided to spare them the pain of dealing with my death before the holidays. I've decided to wait until January. I also think January may be a better time to do it anyway because the area I live in is more likely to be having bad weather in January. Therefore, in the unlikely event that someone where to find me, it would be much more difficult for them to get me to a hospital in time. If I'm lucky the roads will be icy or there will be a huge snowstorm happening. We had a storm last year that trapped me in my house for an entire month. Unfortunately, then I didn't know about my method (SN) or this website.
I live alone and most likely won't be found, but it's probably still a good idea to take precautions to try to prevent being found as long as I need to complete ctb.
Anyway, thank you for your question. This is a pretty long post. So, what's your story?
