Venting vent thread, feel free to ignore

[halfstay]

heyo, just making a personal vent thread here. open to anyone commenting but of course don't feel like you have to!

i just finished a month of intensive training for my job and now im on a five day weekend. I feel nothing, and somehow everything.

im bipolar, and I've been on sixteen (I think??) or so medications in the last six months. did the dna test thing to see why none of it was working (or more commonly, making it significantly worse), but no dice.

i think ultimately, at some point in time, im going to take my own life. and I think it'll be impulsive, horribly violent, and painful. probably during an episode.

I don't feel like there is a "rational" side of me. there's me when I'm manic, me when I'm numb, almost inhuman in my indifference, and me when I'm utterly depressed and suicidal.

I'll leave behind a lot of wonderful people, and undoubtedly traumatize them in the process. And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.

I wish I could tell these people drifting towards me to not get too close. Because I'm going to die. But they're all good people so they want to "save" me, and it ends up causing more problems. So I'm an asshole, i ghost people and don't respond.

ideally I would like to go out peacefully. I would like my family to understand that I've tried, but I'm just in a constant cycle of pain. The only peace for me is death. I wish I could hug them all one last time and have them tell me it's okay for me to go.

But it won't happen that way. I'll be alone, violent, and unstable. If I survive an episode like that, I'll be mutilated. I know it's coming and I can't stop it. No psychiatrist, doctor, therapist, or medications can stop it.

i don't feel like a person, I feel like I'm just a symptom. a personification of a condition. maybe there's something more than just bipolar, but does it matter? I don't think so. knowing or not knowing isn't going to stop the inevitable.

reading this back, it all feels incoherent now… and what's funnier is that soon I'll feel like a god and regret ever typing this. but then I'll be back and thus it will go. over and over and over. over and over and over.

 

[halfstay]

I had a good day, I think? but now im angry for no particular reason. im hungry but I also feel fat and full. I don't really think I like any part of existing. my hobbies don't interest me. I sleep the days away when I'm not working because that's the closest I have to being dead I guess. I loathe waking up. I have nightmares every night but somehow facing reality is more terrible.

right now I'm particularly angry that people care about me. i went out with a coworker today to a petting zoo (which she randomly dropped was the same place she went with her boyfriend for Valentine's Day. yikes.) and I just couldn't relate to her at all. She seems to be really insistent on talking to me and hanging out but I sort of see it as a chore. another person I have to satiate with my presence because if I don't they'll make things more difficult for me.

I want to die. and I wished no one loved me so I could make that decision easily. but I'm trapped here now. maybe that's why I'm so angry all the time.

 

[Slark]

I imagine it must be very difficult to live on this emotional rollercoaster. I hope you find something that can alleviate your suffering.

 

[halfstay]

I imagine it must be very difficult to live on this emotional rollercoaster. I hope you find something that can alleviate your suffering.

I know it's been a minute but thank you for your reply friend I appreciate it <3
ive had this thought for some time but havent really had the words to explain it until recently. i want to eat myself.

i imagine a stick figure drawn on a flat piece of paper. this figure is unaware of the 3D world yet knows it exists in concept, yet is incapable of perceiving it due to the limitations of its reality. But if somehow the stick figure managed to fold itself over and over again, the piece of paper will lose no mass yet now the plain it exists on is 3 dimensional. the stick figure wont survive this transformation obviously as it is unrecognizable, but it has effectively ascended its dimension. now if you apply this to a 3D creature, a human for example, the only way i can imagine to feasibly fold one in on themselves is autocannibalism. we cannot perceive a fourth dimension but we are aware of it, in the same way i believe we're aware of our own consciousness. we have irrefutable proof that it is there, yet why its there and if it spans to other species is completely unknown. its immeasurable but through committing an act as grotesque as eating your own body parts there probably lies some amount of understanding. physically its impossible to fully commit the act before passing away BUT on a conscious level you are fully committed to folding in on yourself and thus can reach a 4th reality.

im too much of a coward to fully commit to the idea (hence the reason i am eternally stuck in this hellscape) but i have used it as a means of self harm and that at the very least offers me some escape. i am afraid of where my episodes will lead me, especially in regards to this idea as i draw more fond of self mutilation, but i guess at the end of it all i'll find that "knowing" that im looking for.

or maybe ill just be a cripple. who knows.

 

[halfstay]

im scared of the results of my psyche eval. i was in a major depressive episode when i did it and all those questions about self grandeur and thinking you're special or god like in any sort of way were completely lost on me in the moment. at the moment i felt like i was the most abysmal disgusting creature in the universe and even believing that there was once a point in time where i thought differently disturbed me. so i answered no to all of it despite knowing i have those feelings in retrospect. what if im not bipolar and all of this is really just me being a terrible person? even worse, what if i am but my inability to be truthful has hindered me from a beneficial diagnosis? is that shit even beneficial? i dont think i can handle being told that there's nothing wrong with me again... i went to the doctor once for a broken toe, it was swelling and horrendous to walk on for weeks, just to be shown an x-ray of there being nothing wrong. so maybe i truly have no mental affliction and all of this is actually all my fault...

 

[l1ablemistakes]

And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.

This is probably the hardest thing to deal with when you're suicidal. I've written a similar note to my partner begging him to stay and take care of our cat. The pre-emotive grief is all consuming. Knowing they'll die but they don't know it yet. I really hope your sister is okay, but more importantly I hope your situation gets easier so you don't have to do this. <3

 

[halfstay]

This is probably the hardest thing to deal with when you're suicidal. I've written a similar note to my partner begging him to stay and take care of our cat. The pre-emotive grief is all consuming. Knowing they'll die but they don't know it yet. I really hope your sister is okay, but more importantly I hope your situation gets easier so you don't have to do this. <3

thanks friend, and sorry for the late reply. I feel so horrendous about what it'll do to all of them. I couldn't even face them or talk to them last time I was put in the ward. I have such a carefully crafted "functioning (ish) adult" persona. one of the biggest things that scares me is how they'll see me when I inevitably do something to myself… generally I guess I have the urge to keep living? but whatever is wrong with me is gonna lead me to mutilation so I feel like preemptively planning a more successful method to actually die is a better alternative. I just feel so guilty all the time. all these people around me don't know what they're signing up for when they choose to be around me. I want to believe my sister will be okay but she won't be. I feel like a murderer because of what I know it'll do to her.. sorry to drop all this in your reply. I hope your situation can get better as well :(

 

[l1ablemistakes]

thanks friend, and sorry for the late reply. I feel so horrendous about what it'll do to all of them. I couldn't even face them or talk to them last time I was put in the ward. I have such a carefully crafted "functioning (ish) adult" persona. one of the biggest things that scares me is how they'll see me when I inevitably do something to myself… generally I guess I have the urge to keep living? but whatever is wrong with me is gonna lead me to mutilation so I feel like preemptively planning a more successful method to actually die is a better alternative. I just feel so guilty all the time. all these people around me don't know what they're signing up for when they choose to be around me. I want to believe my sister will be okay but she won't be. I feel like a murderer because of what I know it'll do to her.. sorry to drop all this in your reply. I hope your situation can get better as well :(

Dont apologise at all! Our situations sound eerily similar, the guilt is absolutely all consuming but I don't see another way out. I'm here to chat anytime you need, just send me a message okay? <3

 

[halfstay]

Dont apologise at all! Our situations sound eerily similar, the guilt is absolutely all consuming but I don't see another way out. I'm here to chat anytime you need, just send me a message okay? <3

thank you you're really kind, and the same goes for you of course :) I don't really see any other way out either, but it's honestly been really nice to have a place to yap with people who get it. <3

 

[halfstay]

there's something outside the window watching me and it's just fuckinv sitting there hissing and they're making fun of me for being a fucking coward
I can never go deep enough it's never enough I'm so pathetic and disgusting. just sitting here in my own filth, haven't showered in days, and then theyre just laughing at me and the pathetic little wounds I closed the curtain but I know they're still right there just talking about me and mocking me like those fuckers from school. like I see you I literally am right here go mock me somewhere else. I wish they'd just beat me up like the other guys did because at least then I could just sleep after and not worry it but no now days they just like sit and point like they're so fucking cute. i dont understand how it's funny just let me be worthless on my own

 

[halfstay]

theoretically I could do it soon, tonight even. we're in a massive snow storm right now so while it may be hard to drive there initially, the chances of me being found for multiple days is slim to none. ideally I don't want my body to ever be found. (side note, I don't want my family looking forever so I think I'll include in my letter very specifically that the intention was to end my own life and that there is no possibility, if I'm lost, that I'll be found alive. so it's not a missing person thing and they don't wonder if I'm alive for years and years.) I want to be rid of this disgusting body. just let it decay into the earth. no funeral, no mourning, just gone. no one has to be forced to touch this disgusting flesh and make it "presentable" for an open casket charade. I know what it'll do to all of them but I've accepted that I'm a monster. I think I've always known that I was going to destroy the life of everyone around me. and I've lived with the guilt of it since I was a child. I was a demon child, and I'm still a demon now. and the best part is I lay awake every night self pitying about it instead of doing what I need to do. it's the most selfish and pathetic thing I could do. but I guess if I am a demon that all tracks. I'll always choose the cowards way out. I can't even decide a method, I'm just leaving it up to nature. the elements. just letting whatever happens happen. it's the stupidest way out but it fits me. a stupid, idiotic, cowardly death. I have all my letters pre written on a google doc but I've been meaning to pen them out for more authenticity I guess. I think I'll do that now, and decide after if I'm going through with it. I guess I'll try to update this too, wether I wake up tomorrow or leave tonight. if tonight is the night I may stay around and chat for a while, document or whatever. but I think this is it for now.

 

[halfstay]

okay I wrote out my notes, refined some stuff from the original docs. I decided to only go into depth with my sister and roommate since the rest of what I was saying just chalked up to "I love you I'm sorry" so there's that. gonna leave it on my pillow cause I don't think my car is gonna be found for a few days. now it's just waiting for my roommate to fall asleep and deciding wether or not tonight's the night. I have a few good windows of opportunity over the next couple of days too so we'll see.
if I get out there I'll actually start a goodbye thread. not that I really connected with anyone enough to say goodbye to but I think having some company would be nice. some people who get it. the place is right outside a state park, bout an hour and a half away. it's actually not snowing too bad at the moment (and despite my car being a shit pile I'm pretty decent at driving in bad wether) so we'll see. and what's the worse that could happen, I die in a car wreck? lol.
ultimately the "plan" is to die from exposure. It's a bad plan but the place has a lot of cliffs and water, all that fun jazz. add on a record breaking snow storm and you've got a pretty deadly situation. Im gonna go out in a t shirt and shorts, bare foot, and just explore the world as it is. and at some point I'll fall for whatever reason and just lay down and let hypothermia or dehydration or whatever take me. could be a bear for all I care. I'm sure it'll be a few days. but atp I'll be buried and hopefully a few miles away from the car so unlikely that help could arrive especially with no roads in sight. so generally that's the idea. horrible and dumb, yes, but that sounds like a pretty "me" way to do it.

 

[halfstay]

I've calmed down now. post episode exhaustion is a bitch. this is embarrassing but I had been meaning to pen those letters for a while so I guess something productive came out of it? I still am pretty convinced that death is better than this cycle of humiliation. but I guess I live another day. great.

 

[cluefixphantom]

It's so important to have people around you who genuinely want to help and just try to create good moments with you. I wish I had this, I was stigmatized with so many different mental illness labels just because I am poor and obviously disabled. There is maybe just one rule in life: don't be ugly. I am physical unattractiv and poor. I bet people wouldn't be so rude towards me and would talk to me, if I was pretty or normal-looking. I hope you can have some great moments with the people that try to help you at least.

btw. I read last week Selena Gomez was stigmatized with the bipolar diagnosis too and articles call her "mental health advocate" now. Does someone believe she gets paid by mental health industry for her "advocacy"? Psychotherapism is maybe her religion now similar to Synthology for Tom Cruise.

Her real illnesses are public btw. And crazy but they are mentioned in the same articles,– she has lupus and kidney disease, she even needed and is a owner of a kidney-transplantant. I suffer from kidney failure too and maybe ovarian and thyroid illnesses. I know mood swings and "mania" lol. The difference I am poor and don't get any medical service, while Selena Gomez is hyper-rich some say richer than Taylor Swift with 1.8 Billion $ and pretty. There's no reason she shouldn't get an exact diagnosis and treatment for her organic illnesses. So, I assume she earns some millions more from pharmacy. This is very crazy, she could do so much better with all this money.

 

[BrighterMoon]

I don't believe I have bipolar disorder since I am not diagnosed with it and I'm not sure if it's hereditary (my mom had it), but I related quite strongly with what you wrote! I don't mean that in a stealing the spotlight or like false "I get it" type thing, just in a thank you for sharing because I feel less alone and less like a freak lol.

For YEARS I have felt in my heart that whenever I end up dying, it would be to suicide, and it wouldn't be pretty. My method of choice for the past year or so has been SN, but I have always felt like I wouldn't be able to obtain it and I would have an episode and brutalize myself impulsively. Every night I imagine myself mutilated, hurting myself, being hurt by someone, and ending up a mess when I die. I feel like I always have depression in my heart and in the back of my head, but my only emotional states are really just numbness, gut wrenching depression kicking my ass while I'm in bed for weeks, or up and distracted and kind of a mess in the opposite way. I'm functional in all states other than depressed. And honestly, scarily, I also have a sister who has said she would kill herself if I ended up dying, which is scary for me because I don't want to be responsible for her death and want her to keep going but also know I'm not really going to make it. I wasn't sure if a letter would be best or not, idk if it would make it worse, so I'm still considering that.

You say your post is incoherent but I understood it perfectly and it felt incredibly succinct, honestly more than my reply lmao. I don't wanna keep going just agreeing to everything you said point by point but, like, kinda yeah. I have currently ghosted the person who means the absolute most to me for over a week now because of severe depression and feeling like a burden, afraid of hurting him because of how fucked up I am and that I can't hide it right now, Feeling like I want a last bit of comfort before I go but knowing I'll be alone in some hotel unable to text anyone. Knowing I'm going to die and that it will hurt. Knowing I'm going to miss out on so much and that I'm leaving wonderful people behind and being torn on if it's for the best or not. I hope it bring you comfort in the same way it does me being related to <3

And, as bullshit as it sounds at this point, I do truly hope things look up for you and that these feelings can finally, somehow go away and you can stay safe and happy if that is at all possible! I hope you find more hope than me <3

 

[meddle]

im so sorry you feel that way. buddy. dont even know what to say, just very very sorry. wish life was easier

 

[halfstay]

I don't believe I have bipolar disorder since I am not diagnosed with it and I'm not sure if it's hereditary (my mom had it), but I related quite strongly with what you wrote! I don't mean that in a stealing the spotlight or like false "I get it" type thing, just in a thank you for sharing because I feel less alone and less like a freak lol.

For YEARS I have felt in my heart that whenever I end up dying, it would be to suicide, and it wouldn't be pretty. My method of choice for the past year or so has been SN, but I have always felt like I wouldn't be able to obtain it and I would have an episode and brutalize myself impulsively. Every night I imagine myself mutilated, hurting myself, being hurt by someone, and ending up a mess when I die. I feel like I always have depression in my heart and in the back of my head, but my only emotional states are really just numbness, gut wrenching depression kicking my ass while I'm in bed for weeks, or up and distracted and kind of a mess in the opposite way. I'm functional in all states other than depressed. And honestly, scarily, I also have a sister who has said she would kill herself if I ended up dying, which is scary for me because I don't want to be responsible for her death and want her to keep going but also know I'm not really going to make it. I wasn't sure if a letter would be best or not, idk if it would make it worse, so I'm still considering that.

You say your post is incoherent but I understood it perfectly and it felt incredibly succinct, honestly more than my reply lmao. I don't wanna keep going just agreeing to everything you said point by point but, like, kinda yeah. I have currently ghosted the person who means the absolute most to me for over a week now because of severe depression and feeling like a burden, afraid of hurting him because of how fucked up I am and that I can't hide it right now, Feeling like I want a last bit of comfort before I go but knowing I'll be alone in some hotel unable to text anyone. Knowing I'm going to die and that it will hurt. Knowing I'm going to miss out on so much and that I'm leaving wonderful people behind and being torn on if it's for the best or not. I hope it bring you comfort in the same way it does me being related to <3

And, as bullshit as it sounds at this point, I do truly hope things look up for you and that these feelings can finally, somehow go away and you can stay safe and happy if that is at all possible! I hope you find more hope than me <3

damn your situation sounds pretty similar to mine (and i am so sorry to you for that.) it was actually pretty nice reading this and knowing im not the only one. i often get jealous when i read those SN plans where people have their methods, doses, and timeline down to every minute detail. im happy for them obviously, but i just can't ever see myself dying (or living) in a peaceful way.

and yeah, whats going to happen to my sister tears me up... shes a genius, like provably so, and shes studying to be a biomedical engineer. like, they make devices for doctors to use to save people i think. she's actually helping people, the world is just a better and brighter place with her in it. and theres a chance my pathetic ass is gonna rip that all away because im too weak to deal with this world...

and you took the words right out of my mouth with the ghosting thing. i had a girl recently who i knew had a crush on me ask for my number recently and i gave it to her because she's nice and whatever but god i feel so horrible about it.. i havent really replied since because i dont need to drag another good person down with me. its also why i cant tell anyone about all of this. my poor roommate is being put out enough as it is dealing with the aftermath of my little "adventure" and it pains me to see him try so hard to support me. anyone who knows is worse off for it, i just destroy whatever i touch. thats why i feel like a demon, good innocent people keep drifting towards me unexpectingly just to have their lives destroyed.

and what would telling my family do? they aren't medical professionals, and all the love in the world can't save me from myself. so id rather them be at peace thinking im doing fine. they dont need to see the spiral. i know they'll grieve me when i die but i dont need them to grieve me while im alive too.

before i drove to that bridge i messaged my ex wishing him well. while i was on my way there i sent him this voice mail that is horrendously embarrassing. we "dated" in early high school, mostly as an experiment since we were friends and both in the closet. but i confessed to him that i ended things with him back then because i believed i was cheating on him because i was being molested by a cousin of mine. i got no reply, im pretty sure my ex blocked me on everything. i feel like such an abusive piece of shit roping him into that. another reason i wont tell anyone. i think im just meant to go this alone, and die alone too.

sorry for that rant but i do appreciate your well wishes and i hope you can find some happiness too, friend.

 

[halfstay]

I'm so dumb it hurts. Apparently one of those appointments was half an hour ago and I had no clue, I thought they were all for Tuesday and Wednesday. I apologized so many times on the phone and the lady just did not respond. I got it rescheduled but I feel like such a jackass. even when I try to help myself it just goes wrong. it's like the universe is just poking me with a stick going "are you dead yet? are you dead yet?"

 

[BrighterMoon]

damn your situation sounds pretty similar to mine (and i am so sorry to you for that.) it was actually pretty nice reading this and knowing im not the only one. i often get jealous when i read those SN plans where people have their methods, doses, and timeline down to every minute detail. im happy for them obviously, but i just can't ever see myself dying (or living) in a peaceful way.

and yeah, whats going to happen to my sister tears me up... shes a genius, like provably so, and shes studying to be a biomedical engineer. like, they make devices for doctors to use to save people i think. she's actually helping people, the world is just a better and brighter place with her in it. and theres a chance my pathetic ass is gonna rip that all away because im too weak to deal with this world...

and you took the words right out of my mouth with the ghosting thing. i had a girl recently who i knew had a crush on me ask for my number recently and i gave it to her because she's nice and whatever but god i feel so horrible about it.. i havent really replied since because i dont need to drag another good person down with me. its also why i cant tell anyone about all of this. my poor roommate is being put out enough as it is dealing with the aftermath of my little "adventure" and it pains me to see him try so hard to support me. anyone who knows is worse off for it, i just destroy whatever i touch. thats why i feel like a demon, good innocent people keep drifting towards me unexpectingly just to have their lives destroyed.

and what would telling my family do? they aren't medical professionals, and all the love in the world can't save me from myself. so id rather them be at peace thinking im doing fine. they dont need to see the spiral. i know they'll grieve me when i die but i dont need them to grieve me while im alive too.

before i drove to that bridge i messaged my ex wishing him well. while i was on my way there i sent him this voice mail that is horrendously embarrassing. we "dated" in early high school, mostly as an experiment since we were friends and both in the closet. but i confessed to him that i ended things with him back then because i believed i was cheating on him because i was being molested by a cousin of mine. i got no reply, im pretty sure my ex blocked me on everything. i feel like such an abusive piece of shit roping him into that. another reason i wont tell anyone. i think im just meant to go this alone, and die alone too.

sorry for that rant but i do appreciate your well wishes and i hope you can find some happiness too, friend.

I get it, all of it, I'm so sorry your situation is so complicated - I've wished a lot before that my life had less factors at play and people always say that it gives you more reasons to stay (unintentional Dr. Seuss??) but that's never what it feels like, usually it just feels like chains you never asked for.

However, I think you should keep giving things a try for now, just gently and without commitment to keep yourself from feeling like you're losing more control. From what you've told me, you have a sister you love who would be devastated and do something you wish she wouldn't, and you have someone who has a crush on you! Obviously these things don't fix anything but they are positive, and they could bring you joy while you're still here deciding what you're going to do with your life, maybe could even help you learn a little more about yourself. I don't want it to seem like I'm just pulling at straws to keep you around, that's not what I'm doing cause I'm kinda in the same boat as you lol, my point is that you're here for now and while I don't know you, I still really want you to feel happiness while you are here and you do have places you can lean. You said you can't tell your family about your feelings and that's fair, neither can I, but I would recommend a therapist. At the very least my therapist makes me feel much less alone since I know every week I have someone who will talk to me, literally being paid to lol, and they can help you. It can be really grounding to have a routine of social interaction. I've learned that leaning into new things or taking scary leaps has kept me around longer, and it's not usually something I regret, so I'd like to encourage others (like yourself :) ) to try these opportunities you have and to keep trying until you're sure and ready to go, because you might be surprised! I'm not trying to keep you around forever, but staying is the goal and is a win, ctb is just another option if we would prefer but it doesn't always mean winning if that makes sense, but I support your choice regardless of what it is, I just want to remind you that there are positive things and if you ride the wave of feelings you have right now it's possible that you could be glad you kept them :)

As for your fear of keeping people in your life, keep them at a safe distance. Keep them where you feel comfortable having them, don't make yourself feel worse for other people EVER, do what's best for you, but being alone sucks, really sucks, and even if you do choose to ctb it can be better to not be truly alone. But if that makes it easier you can always slowly let go of people when the time comes, but maybe try to lean into this girl who has a crush on you and gently see where it goes and maybe lean into your sister for emotional support <3 (you don't have to tell her anything, just being with her can help drastically, my sister is a massive pillar for me yet I've told her nothing about how dark I am inside). I really hope things get better for you, but I also know that's not always a realistic guarantee, so either way I hope you find peace <3 Just because it may not get better doesn't mean it's impossible for things TO get better, please keep trying opportunities as they're given and try new things, always try to keep yourself safe (ranting here probably helped a lot too!), and if you want to ctb please be sure, and we support you there too, just make sure it's the right option and not a rash impulsive one :)

(I really hope this doesn't come across as toxic positivity )

As for that last paragraph, I am SO sorry :( If this was back in high school it's possible that he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle something like that, but you DID NOT CHEAT AT ALL, it was NOT your fault, and that is NOT a reason someone should break up with you. That is something a partner should be the most supportive about because that is such an invasive experience your partner would have to and should make you feel safe, I'm so sorry you didn't get those things :( You are not abusive at all, you were trying to be open and honest, and you were which deserved a LOT more delicacy. Being able to be open about something like that, especially since you wanted to tell him to avoid hurting him, is a massive green flag in you, though only tell people you feel safe telling and you do NOT have to tell anyone if you don't want to, you don't owe anybody that explanation. Though, going back to therapy, that is the PERFECT place to mention that, you will not be judged nor will anyone run away, it could help that specifically a lot, like very much specifically that but also everything else. Thank you for telling me too, that can't be easy to share in any medium. I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for (which can feel for better or worse lol), especially just for being here. Everyone here is strong in ways we wish we didn't have to be, but still, it means you are NOT weak. Never apologize for the rant, thank you again so much for sharing! I hope you find happiness too <3

 

[halfstay]

I appreciate the positivity, ser

I get it, all of it, I'm so sorry your situation is so complicated - I've wished a lot before that my life had less factors at play and people always say that it gives you more reasons to stay (unintentional Dr. Seuss??) but that's never what it feels like, usually it just feels like chains you never asked for.

However, I think you should keep giving things a try for now, just gently and without commitment to keep yourself from feeling like you're losing more control. From what you've told me, you have a sister you love who would be devastated and do something you wish she wouldn't, and you have someone who has a crush on you! Obviously these things don't fix anything but they are positive, and they could bring you joy while you're still here deciding what you're going to do with your life, maybe could even help you learn a little more about yourself. I don't want it to seem like I'm just pulling at straws to keep you around, that's not what I'm doing cause I'm kinda in the same boat as you lol, my point is that you're here for now and while I don't know you, I still really want you to feel happiness while you are here and you do have places you can lean. You said you can't tell your family about your feelings and that's fair, neither can I, but I would recommend a therapist. At the very least my therapist makes me feel much less alone since I know every week I have someone who will talk to me, literally being paid to lol, and they can help you. It can be really grounding to have a routine of social interaction. I've learned that leaning into new things or taking scary leaps has kept me around longer, and it's not usually something I regret, so I'd like to encourage others (like yourself :) ) to try these opportunities you have and to keep trying until you're sure and ready to go, because you might be surprised! I'm not trying to keep you around forever, but staying is the goal and is a win, ctb is just another option if we would prefer but it doesn't always mean winning if that makes sense, but I support your choice regardless of what it is, I just want to remind you that there are positive things and if you ride the wave of feelings you have right now it's possible that you could be glad you kept them :)

As for your fear of keeping people in your life, keep them at a safe distance. Keep them where you feel comfortable having them, don't make yourself feel worse for other people EVER, do what's best for you, but being alone sucks, really sucks, and even if you do choose to ctb it can be better to not be truly alone. But if that makes it easier you can always slowly let go of people when the time comes, but maybe try to lean into this girl who has a crush on you and gently see where it goes and maybe lean into your sister for emotional support <3 (you don't have to tell her anything, just being with her can help drastically, my sister is a massive pillar for me yet I've told her nothing about how dark I am inside). I really hope things get better for you, but I also know that's not always a realistic guarantee, so either way I hope you find peace <3 Just because it may not get better doesn't mean it's impossible for things TO get better, please keep trying opportunities as they're given and try new things, always try to keep yourself safe (ranting here probably helped a lot too!), and if you want to ctb please be sure, and we support you there too, just make sure it's the right option and not a rash impulsive one :)

(I really hope this doesn't come across as toxic positivity )

As for that last paragraph, I am SO sorry :( If this was back in high school it's possible that he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle something like that, but you DID NOT CHEAT AT ALL, it was NOT your fault, and that is NOT a reason someone should break up with you. That is something a partner should be the most supportive about because that is such an invasive experience your partner would have to and should make you feel safe, I'm so sorry you didn't get those things :( You are not abusive at all, you were trying to be open and honest, and you were which deserved a LOT more delicacy. Being able to be open about something like that, especially since you wanted to tell him to avoid hurting him, is a massive green flag in you, though only tell people you feel safe telling and you do NOT have to tell anyone if you don't want to, you don't owe anybody that explanation. Though, going back to therapy, that is the PERFECT place to mention that, you will not be judged nor will anyone run away, it could help that specifically a lot, like very much specifically that but also everything else. Thank you for telling me too, that can't be easy to share in any medium. I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for (which can feel for better or worse lol), especially just for being here. Everyone here is strong in ways we wish we didn't have to be, but still, it means you are NOT weak. Never apologize for the rant, thank you again so much for sharing! I hope you find happiness too <3

i appreciate the positivity, seriously. it's pretty standard that this place becomes an echo chamber of doom (although I knew that perfectly well going into all this)

unfortunately with the girl, I have found out she does have a boyfriend which is… very strange. she kept telling me about how they were arguing, asking about my sexuality and relationship status and if I like dating, then asking to go out and do something. I did hang out with her once before I found out and she just dropped the info that the place we went to was where her and her boyfriend went for their anniversary. so, not touching that with a ten foot pole.

I've been in therapy for about half a decade now and it's been, variable? I do appreciate the advice and I haven't shot down going back entirely it's just a lot, money wise and emotionally. it's just scary though because I've had some therapists do a lot more damage than good. one used to tell me that if someone was threatening to end their life in exchange for "favors" that I should do it because it was ultimately just a few minutes of my time versus a life. I know now it was wrong but as a child, yikes. my last therapist was pretty decent, but she left on maternity leave (which I am very happy for her for) it's just she left while I was kinda in a crisis and warned me that the local police procedure for dealing with that was to handcuff the individual. so naturally going back there hasn't been huge on my to-do list. sorry I'm being very negative again, it's just all this shit is so complicated and I'm so, so tired..

my sister lives across the country, we still face time but it's been rough being apart. she's busy having wild lesbian orgies in sanfran and making a life for herself and I am stuck in our home town, somewhere she has vowed to never return (and for good reason). im happy for her but it does kinda remind me that no matter how close I am to someone, they'll keep on without me. she's my everything but her world is so much bigger than mine.

and as for my 'ex', no response still. think I'm blocked on everything and I don't blame him. from what I've seen he's grown up to be a pretty normal person and I'm happy for him. I just can't shake this old attachment I have to him and I feel horrendous about it. he was also just a kid back then and didn't deserve my issues thrown on him. I know he's better off without me but what I'd give just to hug him once.. I think I could actually die happy if that were the case lol.

but enough of my ramblings, I want to thank you again for your thorough reply. im not quite used to having people listen to or engage with my problems so seriously I REALLY appreciate it. if you ever have anything you wanna talk about do feel free to message :) I can't promise to be good at comforting but I will listen lol. thanks friend
ah one more rant before I attempt sleep again… I finally got a follow up on my pysche eval after they cancelled on me numerous times. the dr has been very dismissive throughout the whole process (she actually stopped our initial meeting to take her dog out potty) but today was just yikes. she opened up with saying that she was going to cancel again but I wouldn't pick up the phone so she hadn't reviewed anything and I shouldn't expect her to know all that much.

basically she said that I was showing too many signs of distress to actually diagnosis anything. like, she said I have too many symptoms so she just shrugged. but she did add on "easy ptsd diagnosis tho" which was kinda funny atp. then she was like "not suicidal or anything right? good good aight later" and that was it. lasted like five minutes maybe.

god I just want to give up man, im just too fucked. the amount of money and time I sunk into that.. the days of work I had to take off just to reschedule.. just for the result to be "idk beats me bro" god I wish someone would blow my shit smooth off.

 

[halfstay]

shit shit shit shit shit I was cutting and I heard a loud snap and part of my arm went numb fuckkk im so fucked
I know the risks and I know what I've gotten myself into but fuck does it suck when it happens. I can still move everything fine but the left side of my forearm just went dead
my nose just started bleeding. rationalizing so I don't freak myself out here, I get bloody noses a lot, especially at night. unfortunate coincidence fingers crossed but also fuckkk dude I have work in a few hours

 

[HopelessScientist]

heyo, just making a personal vent thread here. open to anyone commenting but of course don't feel like you have to!

i just finished a month of intensive training for my job and now im on a five day weekend. I feel nothing, and somehow everything.

im bipolar, and I've been on sixteen (I think??) or so medications in the last six months. did the dna test thing to see why none of it was working (or more commonly, making it significantly worse), but no dice.

i think ultimately, at some point in time, im going to take my own life. and I think it'll be impulsive, horribly violent, and painful. probably during an episode.

I don't feel like there is a "rational" side of me. there's me when I'm manic, me when I'm numb, almost inhuman in my indifference, and me when I'm utterly depressed and suicidal.

Yeah, those with bipolar I heard are much more likely to take their lives and succeed. It's what I heard in my class on bipolar anyway. Treatment resistance is the worst.

I'll leave behind a lot of wonderful people, and undoubtedly traumatize them in the process. And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.

I wish I could tell these people drifting towards me to not get too close. Because I'm going to die. But they're all good people so they want to "save" me, and it ends up causing more problems. So I'm an asshole, i ghost people and don't respond.

ideally I would like to go out peacefully. I would like my family to understand that I've tried, but I'm just in a constant cycle of pain. The only peace for me is death. I wish I could hug them all one last time and have them tell me it's okay for me to go.

That's what hurts the most. I love everyone around me so damn much, and I am so fucking loved. I hate knowing I'll hurt everyone. It feels like a betrayal.

But it won't happen that way. I'll be alone, violent, and unstable. If I survive an episode like that, I'll be mutilated. I know it's coming and I can't stop it. No psychiatrist, doctor, therapist, or medications can stop it.

Yeah, it's horrible. People deserve a peaceful death. It's a horrible wish, just wishing you could die with those you love holding your hand, smiling with you. If I could hold the hands of those I love as I die, any pain I feel would not be scary anymore.

i don't feel like a person, I feel like I'm just a symptom. a personification of a condition. maybe there's something more than just bipolar, but does it matter? I don't think so. knowing or not knowing isn't going to stop the inevitable.

reading this back, it all feels incoherent now… and what's funnier is that soon I'll feel like a god and regret ever typing this. but then I'll be back and thus it will go. over and over and over. over and over and over.

I am sorry you're in such a dark place

 

[halfstay]

Yeah, those with bipolar I heard are much more likely to take their lives and succeed. It's what I heard in my class on bipolar anyway. Treatment resistance is the worst.

That's what hurts the most. I love everyone around me so damn much, and I am so fucking loved. I hate knowing I'll hurt everyone. It feels like a betrayal.

Yeah, it's horrible. People deserve a peaceful death. It's a horrible wish, just wishing you could die with those you love holding your hand, smiling with you. If I could hold the hands of those I love as I die, any pain I feel would not be scary anymore.

I am sorry you're in such a dark place

I'm sorry you're also in a dark place. I carry this guilt around with me every day because I know what I have to do but I'm too cowardly to do it. I know I'll leave behind good people. But no matter how much they love me they can't fix me. I was just born wrong, I wasn't meant to be here. And the sad part is these individuals only love me because they're required to. Because they're my family or have been bonded to me through trauma (or both). To feel like everyone hates you or they'd be better off without you.. while also feeling the guilt of what you'll leave behind. It isn't right, there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. My whole existence.

Sorry, I wish I could offer more solace to you and the others who comment here. I wish you all well but I don't have the capacity to even think positively anymore. I'm in constant pain. I hope you all at the very least make it out of this.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I'm sorry you're also in a dark place. I carry this guilt around with me every day because I know what I have to do but I'm too cowardly to do it. I know I'll leave behind good people. But no matter how much they love me they can't fix me. I was just born wrong, I wasn't meant to be here. And the sad part is these individuals only love me because they're required to. Because they're my family or have been bonded to me through trauma (or both). To feel like everyone hates you or they'd be better off without you.. while also feeling the guilt of what you'll leave behind. It isn't right, there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. My whole existence.

Sorry, I wish I could offer more solace to you and the others who comment here. I wish you all well but I don't have the capacity to even think positively anymore. I'm in constant pain. I hope you all at the very least make it out of this.

I feel you. I am so sorry your brain is broken, I am sorry your existence is shrouded in agony.

I just want to say that it is my mission to understand why brains break, and I do not want people to have to take this path. It's tough, but maybe someday we'll find a cure for good, or be really good with personalising treatment.

 

[halfstay]

I feel you. I am so sorry your brain is broken, I am sorry your existence is shrouded in agony.

I just want to say that it is my mission to understand why brains break, and I do not want people to have to take this path. It's tough, but maybe someday we'll find a cure for good, or be really good with personalising treatment.

i appreciate it friend and I hope one day you do find the answers you're looking for. unfortunately I don't think I'll be around long enough to see a cure. I truly don't want to die but this is just torture. every breath I take is painful. if there really is some sort of treatment for people like me I hope it comes around soon. I don't think anyone should live like this.
Onto some unhinged rambling… I was diagnosed with PTSD recently, although it was during probably one of the most useless appointments of my life. She said I had "too many symptoms to figure anything out" so she just opted to explain nothing instead, slapped on that diagnosis, and essentially told me to fuck off.

But what does that diagnosis even mean for me? I haven't been to war. There's no 'event' that caused this. Yes I was bullied and neglected and yadda yadda but to say I wasn't partially at fault is a lie. Even as a child I inserted myself into situations I shouldn't have been in. If I wasn't so desperate for attention I could've avoided so much of it. At what point must one admit that the common denominator in all this pain is me?

I guess I believe I'm responsible for it all. I was too annoying, too loud, and too obnoxious. I was truly an unlovable child, and I've only grown into an unlovable adult. I was a mess, wouldn't care for my hygiene, wouldn't shut up. I was the type of kid you looked at with a wince, one that makes you pity the parent who was forced to love and care for the wretched thing.

And they tried to love me, and they still try to. But the brighter of them can tell that there's nothing there. That the "me" they know is the shell to a rotten egg. A small, fat thing with a wretched stench that screams and follows you around demanding this or that, staring through you with twitchy bug eyes and staining anything it touches. That was the kind of animal they were obligated to 'love.'

When I was a bit younger I used to coax myself into sleep by imaging I was strangling myself to death. It was the only relief I found from all the guilt and shame when I closed my eyes. Sometimes I still do.

So I guess I don't understand this diagnosis. Because any "trauma" I endured was an entirely deserved outcome. In fact I think I was lucky that they tried to love me at all. PTSD, to me, sounds like a light punishment for what I've done. It's far too sympathetic a topic for what I deserve.

 

[halfstay]

I found the site today after some digging. I haven't really been sold on SN as a method yet but given what I've read it seems like the guys on his way out of the industry. I feel pressure to buy some now before it's gone for good. But that too is intimidating…

More and more recently I'm waking up fighting, hitting things, screaming. I can't even remember what I was dreaming about but it feels like my only escape from this world, which is being asleep, is just becoming a constant nightmare too.

I'm trying to move forward with things, work on projects, do stuff outside of my home. But it doesn't matter. My psychiatrist won't respond to me and after all the meds I've taken I think I've just given up on all that shit. My roommate wants me to get a new therapist and I'm not completely opposed but to be honest I haven't had one yet that hasn't said some really strange shit. And if my therapist fires me, which tbh is bound to happen given just how pathetic I am, I think I'd just call it quits right there and then. I mean, I'm getting close to doing that anyways but I essentially have no consistent relationships in my life, and even less capacity to deal with losing a new one.

i think I'm gonna poke around the site, maybe place an order and see. If anything asks for my ID though I'm backing out..

 

[halfstay]

I feel like I'm moving forward and backwards at the same time. I'm progressing in my career, interacting with family, making more money than I ever have.. and yet Im also growing more intense in my suicidal ideation. im planning more, hurting more. I have notes on stand by. and I'm still on the edge about buying that SN..

i think what it always came down to was self hatred. If I move forward, I still hate myself. If I move backwards, of course, I hate myself. There's no reason to any of it. I mean I can point to this is or that. Being an ugly, fat, pathetic, failure doesn't help but even if i wasn't all those things I have no doubt I'd feel the same way.

I can feel no success or truly experience any joy. because I wake up and I'm me, I laugh or sleep or spend or jerk off to pass the time but it's still me. and I hate myself. every second is just pure hatred. so even if I want to live, how can I? this isn't living and this isn't something that therapy or drugs can erase. nothing can change the fact that I'm trapped in this idiotic existence that I hate to tears.

im also an attention seeker, like desperately so, and I think I understand why. it's because I hate myself so much and I want others to see that I'm punishing myself for it. I want others to know I'm not just fine being this way, that I am getting what I deserve. that in some small way I'm enacting justice in the world upon myself. I know I'm horrid, unlovable, and unforgivable, and I want people to know I recognize this, and I'm doing something to 'right' it. wether that be the self harm or my inevitable suicide.
I keep having flashes. to my childhood or school or even more recently. when I get in my car to go to work I see myself that night not too long ago.

I ended up 120ish? miles away. I don't remember much of the drive other than screaming. I just remember it being dark, and snowing so hard I could barely see, and praying that my car would swerve off the road. I was going 90+. I saw at least five people pulled over on the way there and I was sure it was going to be me. But I never was pulled over so I thought dying that night must've been fate. And the water was black, just completely black, and the snow was so fucking high that it was touching my hips and I pretty much just rolled down the hill cause it was easier than walking.

And they pulled off my shoes in the ambulance to check for frostbite I think and one of my socks was stained weirdly. When they gave it back to me after being discharged, all my stuff was washed but the stain was still there.

I had another memory pop back up the other night. I was eating out with some buddies and I can't even remember what we were talking about, I think it was stupid shit we did as kids? But I remembered this time when we were real little and we had this grouch ass babysitter who hated kids. I had an accident on her carpet and I remember her grabbing me by the back of the neck and shoving my nose in it like a dog. I think she taped a diaper on me after that but I could be misremembering.

I mean why does it even matter? I felt so fucking stupid even thinking of it. This is all stupid.

 

[halfstay]

I've been searching for a therapist but fuck is it hard. not only are they all an hour+ away, on days that I work, and don't take my insurance, but I can't find anyone that specializes in suicidal ideation. I understand that would fall under the "depression" category but also, not really?

When I was younger (before I ever learned suicide was an option lol) I was definitely depressed without being suicidal. And I've met MANY people who are depressed but not suicidal. I kinda feel isolated because there's so many of them ngl. I feel like being suicidal is a whole different ball game compared to depression even though they're inherently linked. But this isn't a "depressive state" anymore. Suicide is all I think about. It's my entire life. And I feel like no one is actually trained to handle that sort of thing. I've taken a few pysche courses and they only talk about depression, and then the aftermath of suicide. Never the build up. It's like as soon as you have the ideation you're just a lost cause in the worlds eyes.

I've actually had people tell me to stop talking about it and just do it already if I want to so fucking bad. Like as soon as I don't suck down all the "just be happy it gets better" bullshit they get angry and tell me to kms anyways. Like even questioning that line of thinking pisses them off.

This is all so annoying. Even if I want the help I don't think it actually exists. It's all "check on your friends" until a friend actually needs to be checked on right?

 

[Aflame5926]

I've been searching for a therapist but fuck is it hard. not only are they all an hour+ away, on days that I work, and don't take my insurance, but I can't find anyone that specializes in suicidal ideation. I understand that would fall under the "depression" category but also, not really?

When I was younger (before I ever learned suicide was an option lol) I was definitely depressed without being suicidal. And I've met MANY people who are depressed but not suicidal. I kinda feel isolated because there's so many of them ngl. I feel like being suicidal is a whole different ball game compared to depression even though they're inherently linked. But this isn't a "depressive state" anymore. Suicide is all I think about. It's my entire life. And I feel like no one is actually trained to handle that sort of thing. I've taken a few pysche courses and they only talk about depression, and then the aftermath of suicide. Never the build up. It's like as soon as you have the ideation you're just a lost cause in the worlds eyes.

I've actually had people tell me to stop talking about it and just do it already if I want to so fucking bad. Like as soon as I don't suck down all the "just be happy it gets better" bullshit they get angry and tell me to kms anyways. Like even questioning that line of thinking pisses them off.

This is all so annoying. Even if I want the help I don't think it actually exists. It's all "check on your friends" until a friend actually needs to be checked on right?

to be honest we also a bit of weirdo's


i dont know how open you were but lets say out group of 10 people there is 1 of us and 9 "normal" people.
being all the time open about it can be tiresome and confronting for them. especially if nothing is being changed after all that time

 

[halfstay]

Well I placed my order for SN today. Fake name, and a delivery address where I will receive the package specifically without it being directly linked to my home. Payment has been accepted so I guess all we do now is wait and see. I'm honestly skeptical anything is going to show up at all but given all the dumb shit I've bought recently, what's another small fee thrown into the void?

I'm still on the fence about taking my life but I've come up with a plan. I'm ordering the SN now just in case that specific source goes down soon, so I'll have it when the time comes. I turn 21 in July and I'm planning on flying out to be with my sister when I do. We're going to party and have fun and whatever. And I have a couple people who also wanna take me out for a drink after that too.

If after all of this, I still cannot experience any joy or hope despite being around my sister, the person I love the most, then I will go through the motions of celebrating my life with everyone one last time and then take my life. I imagine a few weeks after my birthday.

So until then I'm going to make an effort to get things together some. I have an appointment today with my psychiatrist so I'll most likely be switching medications again. It'll probably go very wrong as it always does but I'll hope for the best anyways. I'll try to do better at saving money too, so if I decide to stay I'll have a healthy savings, and if not I'll have a least a little something to pass on to my sister. I'm still on the hunt for a therapist as well.

In the mean time, I'll also collect the supplies I need for my suicide. Some nerve calmer, antiemetics, etc. And I'll decide where to die too. Prepping for my life and death simultaneously.

Honestly I'm not too hopeful about the outcome but I want to make an effort at least to improve my circumstances.