Yes and ketamine is the only thing that has helped.
When I was 5 I watched my dad beat my mom in front of the whole family. He had us trapped in one of the bedrooms and we huddled around my mom trying to protect her. I still see him standing there with his hands covered in blood to this day. A year later he caught me touching myself and he dragged me into the living room, stripped me naked, beat me senseless, told me I was a freak and a pervert, then he threw me out on the streets of NY and told me I could go get raped by the rest of the freaks. My mom went looking for me and found me wandering the streets naked. She told me to come home and I said I can't because no one had raped me yet and dad would be mad. She snuck me back into the house and we never spoke of it again.
By the time I was 12 I started drinking and running away from home. I was really drunk when this woman approached me in a car and said she would take me to her house and take care of me. As soon as we went inside she hit me so hard I could barely stand. She called me all sorts of names and proceeded to rape and sodomize me. I was still a virgin at the time. After what seemed like an eternity she fell asleep. I got up and tried to sneak out of the house. I didn't even bother to get dressed. I was moving thought the dark house I heard her wake up and scream as she came running up behind me. I tried to run but she caught me and the last thing I remember was her smashing my head into the wall. when i woke up I was in the hospital with the police asking a bunch of questions. They found me naked, bleeding, unconscious, and left for dead in the back of an office building. I wouldn't tell them a thing and when they left the room I yanked out my IV and tried to escape. They caught me and took me back to the room. My parents showed up and brought me some clothes and took me home. We never spoke of it and I never told anyone what happened. A month later I saw some 18 year old girls drinking in a car in a parking lot. I approached them and asked if I could drink with them. They were pretty weirded out by this kid wanting to get in a car and drink with them but I convinced them. I finished the vodka they were drinking and told them that if one of them took me home with them I would let them do anything they wanted to me. I told them I had experience and they could beat me if they wanted. I was a shy little kid and couldn't even believe I was doing this.
A couple of years later a family friend, who was in her thirties, was staying with us for an extended weekend. She got me drunk and made me massage her a pose for her in my underwear. When things started to go too far I tried to leave the room and she stopped me and told me to take off the underwear. I was so ashamed, drunk, and afraid of getting caught by my dad for letting things get this far that I panicked. I tried to leave and she pinned me down and pulled them off. She started raping me and I was begging her to stop. She told me I was a tease and I was going to get what was coming to me. She was much bigger than I was and in my condition I couldn't get her off of me. She started getting loud and I begged her not to make any more noise because I was afraid my dad would find me and kill me. She told me she would let me go if I came for her. I managed to cum and she let me go. Not only did I already feel like a freak since my dad threw me out at 5 years old, but men do not get raped by women in my family, and they definitely do not get erections and cum while being raped and beaten by them and here was the second time that this happened.
I ended up getting engaged to an older woman who had been raped during a bad coke deal. She ended up selling me to her female dealer when she needed to get high. She liked to watch me perform for other women more than having sex with me. She would bring home women she met at meetings for women of sexual abuse and take money to let them rape me. They could do anything they wanted as long as they didn't do permanent damage or hurt my face. Many of them had pretty elaborate revenge fantasies they wanted to act out. She would toss me naked and handcuffed into the bedroom with them and wait until thy were done. Some of them would fuck me with a loaded gun in my mouth or a knife to my throat. Sometimes they would beat me badly, whip me, cut me, sodomize me with a strap on, urinate in my mouth, etc. I learned to leave my body and separate myself from what was happening. I kept ending up in the same cycle of meeting predatory women who seemed to be able to tell I was a freak that deserved to be abused and that I wouldn't fight back or call the police. After seeing my mom beaten as a kid, the mere thought of hurting a woman makes me physically ill. I would get so disgusted with myself that I wanted to peel my skin off with a carrot peeler.
I got married to an abusive woman that I felt I deserved. She would come home and say take off your clothes I am going to rape you now. I almost never came, I would just be there for her sex toy. I didn't enjoy sex especially with her. She would hit me all the time. She broke my nose twice. She ended up getting pregnant and we had a baby boy. I asked her for a divorce and let me keep the child but she knew that would be her hold on me. I stayed married to her for 10 years just so I could be there to protect my son. She would continue to sexually and physically abuse me. I was ok as long as my son was safe. Then she started to abuse him and I could not let that happen. So I had to sneak out of the house with my son, get a restraining order, divorce her and get full custody.
One day I started to research ketamine treatment and decided to try it. It was an immediate change. I could see and feel a difference that same day. I was finally able to deal with these issues that plagued me since childhood. I actually started to like myself for the first time that I could remember.