Venting CTB and Chronic Pain

[iminsweatertown]

I wonder how many others are dealing with thoughts of suicide primarily due to chronic pain? I know I have my fair share of emotional and family problems over the years making me feel hopeless and worthless, but I've never wanted to go more than I do this past year due to my physical pain worsening. I don't even remember what it's like to not be in pain. I feel selfish and confused and frustrated because I do have friends and I have a dog that depends on me. She's an older dog I've had since childhood and when she passes I've decided that's when I go to. I don't know if I'm going to give an explanation to people or make a note. These thoughts of giving up and just dying have been a constant in my life due to childhood abuse and neglect but I've already attempted twice, and afterwards I really did try to work hard over the years to potentially better myself with therapy and mental help. but now I'm wishing it was just emotional pain again only and I wasn't feeling physically unwell on top of everything. I was recently diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and I know I can be overly sensitive to things so I've tried to just push these thoughts to the back of my mind to focus on my day to day life but I can't take it anymore. I would do anything to feel like a normal person. For the pain to stop. I feel so alone like no one can truly understand, and to others I just seem dramatic and complaining. The people close to me in my life already know what I go through with my chronic pain but can't possibly understand or know how to help me, even though they try. I feel guilty that I'm thinking of giving up bcus they matter to me, but I just don't know what to do. I'm curious, to those who also deal with chronic pain on this forum, what it's like to manage it? And I just want to know if Im alone or not in feeling this way.

 

[inpainnosleep]

I am sorry you are going through this. I've struggled with severe mental health/abuse since I was very little and things got a lot worse in my early 20's. In the past year, my physical health has taken a great decline and I took wish I could simply go back to "simply" being Autistic and very mentally ill without the added on physical issues. I've also become very medication sensitive, which is a huge part of the problem. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel like chronic pain and chronic neurological issues often simply don't get taken seriously. Even doctors don't take it seriously because we are not dying or they treat us like drug seekers. In the last 20 years or so there has been great progress in destigmitizing mental health and urging people to seek help. Countless movies and resources are aimed towards the mental health struggle. I haven't seen this at all for people with chronic pain/illness. They are simply not seen. And unless they look visibly disabled, people can't seem to comprehend why they are even complaining. I feel like this needs to change and there should be a greater spotlight on people who struggle silently with their physical health. Of course this becomes an ever greater nightmare when it's combined with mental illness. too would give anything to feel normal again, or to just go back to being a severely mentally ill, awkward person. Even though I have been passively suicidal for about 21 years, I never seriously considered it until my health began to fail. I wish you well.

 

[annointed_towers]

Me. I wasn't the happiest person before this and have always struggled with ideation due to loneliness and other things. But I became disabled a few years ago and developed extreme unrelenting nerve pain above the neck last year. It's affected my entire body and my whole life. I can't even move most days, stuck in bed, can't sleep.

I developed it when I self harmed.

It's not even "chronic," it's just damaged nerves that get worse and spread and other issues from self neglect and self harm.

It's unrelenting, a miserable life. Nerve pain like this is even worse than neuralgia, which is nicknamed the suicide disease by even the medical community.

Neuralgia has no cure except experimental surgery, pain meds and strong opiates do nothing to alleviate pain this intense and life altering. This has no intervention at all. You're just fucked.

Once you develop it, you're basically looking at a life of torment and misery. Pretty much in isolation, dependent if not homeless. So, many take lives or are desperate to find a way to.

I have no method, which is why I'm still here. No access to any method.

I wish medically assisted suicide were available. It would be more humane.

They have more humane treatment for animals than they do humans. Euthanasia. They put dogs down for less than this.

Most of the day I just lay in bed in the fetal position, holding my head and bracing. I try not to but it's pain posture, it's just a somatic thing the body does involuntarily and revolts when you try to straighten or stand up.

 

[iminsweatertown]

I developed it when I self harmed.

It's not even "chronic," it's just damaged nerves that get worse and spread and other issues from self neglect and self harm.

Hi, I was just wondering only if you're comfortable with sharing of course, what exactly kind of self harm caused your specific pain? My pain is also primarily located in the neck (also shoulders/back too) and nerve related too I believe. Part of my distress is not knowing exactly what caused this chronic pain or what it even is, though my blood tests apparently indicate some form of autoimmune disorder and MRI shows slight herniated disc in neck, though I'm still in the process of narrowing it down. Doing a lot of tests to understand more but still without proper treatment or clear identification of the problem.

I worry I've just did this to myself, that I've damaged my own nerves somehow from self harming over the years but I'm not sure if its that or something else. If you're okay with sharing, for you was there nerve damage specifically after an attempt? when exactly did you notice you developed this pain? or was it just in general after long periods of self neglect and other temporary self harm methods? I have both attempted with hanging and also have self harmed in multiple ways including by choking myself (enough to cut circulation and go dizzy but not to suffocate), as well as just generally been neglectful to myself by staying in uncomfortable positions in bed depressed for months sleeping all day in the past. I've since tried to exercise and move around more, staying busy, drinking lots of water, and I haven't self harmed in that way in a long time. But still, the pain persists regardless of medication or exercise or rest. I can't enjoy the things I used to or focus on anything else. I also wonder if its possible these things are purely stress related??? The thought of no cure and no clear cause truly makes me feel hopeless and scared, but I want so badly for that not to be the case.

I just wanted to understand what exactly brought on your kind of persistent pain if its directly caused by a type of self harm, since its something I was thinking about myself. Again, only if you're okay with getting specific, I understand if its too personal! Thank you by the way for your whole message and insight on your experience, though I'm sorry that you have to go through this at all, I hate that you're going through such suffering and debilitating pain as well as feeling isolated. I hope that your pain will become manageable for you one day, even though unfortunately most days it feels like it won't :( my heart goes out to you and anyone else here dealing with persistent pain sorry about the really long message

 

[bagel12]

i'm so sorry you're dealing with chronic pain :(

have you heard of coat hanger pain? or craniocervical instability? does this align with your symptoms?

this is sometimes seen in me/cfs, long covid, dysautonomia/pots, ehlers-danlos, fibromyalgia, and mcas, do you have any of these conditions? you mention that you're autistic, these conditions are also more common in autistic people due to genetic reasons.

i have a friend who dealt with debilitating chonic pain in their neck and upper back/shoulders. they had an underlying health condition and treating that health condition improved the pain significantly. i think their typical neck position also made things worse and they had to change that as well.

 

[wishmaster9]

I assume a bunch of us do, I'm sorry you have to go through that too.
I was always a sad child, then a depressed teen and adult. Suffered from various disorders for over 15 years before any of them got diagnosed (including mental disorders that were wrongly diagnosed and had to be corrected). Regarding mental issues, I think it's too late to get the help I could've used a couple years ago, before the suicidal thoughts became active, now my only option is to get hospitalized and take medications, but for me that's a no-go.
The most disabling physical one have gotten so much worse in the last year alone.
The ladies here will probably know what disease I'm referring to when I say it keeps progressing as I get older, and the only way to stop it (only temporarily) is surgery but there's no guarantee it will make things better, because the main point of it is to try to control the damage that was already done, and cleaning the mess can actually worsen the pain.
Besides taking all those risks, I don't have anyone who could help me during the recovery period and I know that I won't be able to do it all alone.
In the meantime I continue to suffer in silence (and sometimes in screams) cause I have no alternatives.
You're very sweet to wait for your dog to go first, big respect. My cat is almost 7 y/o, so I know it will be difficult to leave her, but I can't imagine waiting another God knows how many years for her to go before me.