Venting CTB and Chronic Pain

[iminsweatertown]

I wonder how many others are dealing with thoughts of suicide primarily due to chronic pain? I know I have my fair share of emotional and family problems over the years making me feel hopeless and worthless, but I've never wanted to go more than I do this past year due to my physical pain worsening. I don't even remember what it's like to not be in pain. I feel selfish and confused and frustrated because I do have friends and I have a dog that depends on me. She's an older dog I've had since childhood and when she passes I've decided that's when I go to. I don't know if I'm going to give an explanation to people or make a note. These thoughts of giving up and just dying have been a constant in my life due to childhood abuse and neglect but I've already attempted twice, and afterwards I really did try to work hard over the years to potentially better myself with therapy and mental help. but now I'm wishing it was just emotional pain again only and I wasn't feeling physically unwell on top of everything. I was recently diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and I know I can be overly sensitive to things so I've tried to just push these thoughts to the back of my mind to focus on my day to day life but I can't take it anymore. I would do anything to feel like a normal person. For the pain to stop. I feel so alone like no one can truly understand, and to others I just seem dramatic and complaining. The people close to me in my life already know what I go through with my chronic pain but can't possibly understand or know how to help me, even though they try. I feel guilty that I'm thinking of giving up bcus they matter to me, but I just don't know what to do. I'm curious, to those who also deal with chronic pain on this forum, what it's like to manage it? And I just want to know if Im alone or not in feeling this way.

 

[inpainnosleep]

I am sorry you are going through this. I've struggled with severe mental health/abuse since I was very little and things got a lot worse in my early 20's. In the past year, my physical health has taken a great decline and I took wish I could simply go back to "simply" being Autistic and very mentally ill without the added on physical issues. I've also become very medication sensitive, which is a huge part of the problem. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel like chronic pain and chronic neurological issues often simply don't get taken seriously. Even doctors don't take it seriously because we are not dying or they treat us like drug seekers. In the last 20 years or so there has been great progress in destigmitizing mental health and urging people to seek help. Countless movies and resources are aimed towards the mental health struggle. I haven't seen this at all for people with chronic pain/illness. They are simply not seen. And unless they look visibly disabled, people can't seem to comprehend why they are even complaining. I feel like this needs to change and there should be a greater spotlight on people who struggle silently with their physical health. Of course this becomes an ever greater nightmare when it's combined with mental illness. too would give anything to feel normal again, or to just go back to being a severely mentally ill, awkward person. Even though I have been passively suicidal for about 21 years, I never seriously considered it until my health began to fail. I wish you well.

 

[annointed_towers]

Me. I wasn't the happiest person before this and have always struggled with ideation due to loneliness and other things. But I became disabled a few years ago and developed extreme unrelenting nerve pain above the neck last year. It's affected my entire body and my whole life. I can't even move most days, stuck in bed, can't sleep.

I developed it when I self harmed.

It's not even "chronic," it's just damaged nerves that get worse and spread and other issues from self neglect and self harm.

It's unrelenting, a miserable life. Nerve pain like this is even worse than neuralgia, which is nicknamed the suicide disease by even the medical community.

Neuralgia has no cure except experimental surgery, pain meds and strong opiates do nothing to alleviate pain this intense and life altering. This has no intervention at all. You're just fucked.

Once you develop it, you're basically looking at a life of torment and misery. Pretty much in isolation, dependent if not homeless. So, many take lives or are desperate to find a way to.

I have no method, which is why I'm still here. No access to any method.

I wish medically assisted suicide were available. It would be more humane.

They have more humane treatment for animals than they do humans. Euthanasia. They put dogs down for less than this.

Most of the day I just lay in bed in the fetal position, holding my head and bracing. I try not to but it's pain posture, it's just a somatic thing the body does involuntarily and revolts when you try to straighten or stand up.