Hardest part about CTB

[discretionadvised]

Anyone else feel like the only thing holding them back is the possibility of survival?

I've come to a point where i'm not afraid of death, or preparing, or waiting. In fact i cannot wait anymore. I would have done it years ago if it wasn't for the fear of surviving.
Also doesn't help that the psych wards in my country (even children's ones) are an abusive brutal hell to end up in

 

[LongJacks]

Anyone else feel like the only thing holding them back is the possibility of survival?

I've come to a point where i'm not afraid of death, or preparing, or waiting. In fact i cannot wait anymore. I would have done it years ago if it wasn't for the fear of surviving.
Also doesn't help that the psych wards in my country (especially children's ones) are an abusive brutal hell to end up in

Same here it's terrifying to think about

That sucks I feel like every asylum or psych wards are awful It feels like prison instead of actually helping an individual they restrain them and make them worse

Instead of it being a safe haven for those who need help and a mental break from this garbage of a life

 

[yuihinafan]

I Understand how you feel, i think its all about finding the right method that you are confident will work.
But the human body is also designed for survival so when you are about to commit with a good method, your instincts and your body itself will try to do everything to survive and psych itself out. That being said i am also afraid of the possibility of survival or even ending up a vegetable when i commit, so you are not alone <3

 

[discretionadvised]

That sucks I feel like every asylum or psych wards are awful It feels like prison instead of actually helping an individual they restrain them and make them worse

Instead of it being a safe haven for those who need help and a mental break from this garbage of a life

Yup, being a minor is especially hard in psych wards because you have zero autonomy
People never believe the actual horrors they hide there and no one fixes the system, then are surprised when no one seeks help anymore

I Understand how you feel, i think its all about finding the right method that you are confident will work.
But the human body is also designed for survival so when you are about to commit with a good method, your instincts and your body itself will try to do everything to survive and psych itself out. That being said i am also afraid of the possibility of survival or even ending up a vegetable when i commit, so you are not alone <3

Thank you <3 I think it's definitely a relatable feeling for many people

 

[LongJacks]

Yup, being a minor is especially hard in psych wards because you have zero autonomy
People never believe the actual horrors they hide there and no one fixes the system, then are surprised when no one seeks help anymore

Thank you <3 I think it's definitely a relatable feeling for many people

You're totally right and to be honest there should be a seperate psych wards or asylums for minors or young individuals even by mental illnesses not each are the same they're all cooped up in a cage :/

Exactly! Then they wonder why no one seeks help or act shocked when someone commits s*icide then say they never seeked help, the system is broken overall it's all about money and profiting unfortunately

 

[ZwartHartje]

Same here, even though if I commit at home I'll probably be at very low risk of being found for at least a couple months, if not years. So if I failed and ended up a vegetable I'd most likely just keep lying there until I died of dehydrations and starvation anyway.

 

[walsun]

Scares me. So much.
I'm ODing with methadone 1 gram, and I'm hoping it atleast has a 20 percent purity and bioavailability good enough for it to be lethal.
I do not want to live after the sides of that.

 

[BradGuy123]

I hear you. I came on this forum to research how to ctb in case I ever had to. I was very disappointed to learn there is on pain free, easy, guaranteed method to work. There's always the chance of failure, having brain damage, suffering pain while doing the act, or something like that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand, I find it so horrific and terrifying how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to way worse torture and suffering in this terrible, dreadful existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel.

The fact that humans make dying painlessly inaccessible is criminal to me, it truly is such a terrible crime how humans are forced to suffer in this existence that never should had been imposed, all I want is to be free from the terrible mistake of existence, I always suffer so much from being trapped in this horrific prison anti-suicide world.

 

[nails]

fear of survival is the main thing holding me back. it will fuck with my job, people treat you strangely after you attempt, the feeling of surviving an attempt is just horrible in general. plus, i cannot go back to that hospital bro someone peed on the floor AND I STEPPED IN IT + the food was horrible and my roommate said i look like harry potter bro fuck that

hopefully we can all find peace. it's so horrible that we have to suffer and deal with the possibility of survival even after choosing to ctb. we should just be allowed a guaranteed way out, this is so fucked up.

 

[discretionadvised]

fear of survival is the main thing holding me back. it will fuck with my job, people treat you strangely after you attempt, the feeling of surviving an attempt is just horrible in general. plus, i cannot go back to that hospital bro someone peed on the floor AND I STEPPED IN IT + the food was horrible and my roommate said i look like harry potter bro fuck that

hopefully we can all find peace. it's so horrible that we have to suffer and deal with the possibility of survival even after choosing to ctb. we should just be allowed a guaranteed way out, this is so fucked up.

I agree, it's very sad honestly. You'd think people would at the very least feel some empathy towards you after hearing about that, but instead it's just a loop and really no one who hasn't felt the same cares much at all. What a world to live in, where it's painful to live, painful to die, and even more painful to fail

Also lol, sorry to hear about the piss

 

[Serena 2026]

I started trying to kill myself early on; I took all sorts of junk that didn't do the job—I was naive and didn't know anything about methods... 2011 was the worst time, and it almost worked, but I was found, and then came the same old story everyone here knows... 18 days in the ICU, then a clinic, then my depression got worse, and so on... Now I want to get it right; I N a plan and I can't fail... I suffered a cerebral thrombosis after my last attempt, and failing now would leave me in a vegetative state... Good luck to us all!!