Help Anti-Porn Boyfriends Secret Porn Account

[.twilight.girl.]

Hello, I hope this is the right thread to post this in.
I struggle with an ED and my physical appearance which is something leading to my suicidal thoughts. I have been very sick for a couple of days and so was my bf (he got it first).
Long story short we haven't been intimate in a while due to sickness and other factors that prevent that level of intimacy, as well as him being tired from work. To clarify, we are a very loving couple and don't have many issues at all. We have been together for over a year.
Last night while on my phone I got a notification from Instagram that "Someone I may know is on Instagram" I'm not 100% sure how this works but I imagine it goes off of my contacts list, I would have ignored it but it had a username that is something he would make and had a specific set of numbers that we point out almost all the time because we see them often. I look at who this person follows and it is all porn related content. He is actively trying to not use porn, is aware of the harm it does for him and has even spoken to someone about it. It was hard for me to believe it was him at first so I messaged him saying "haha someone in my contacts is following a bunch of porn" and he replied "oh god haha" and less than a couple minutes later my main account was blocked from that account and so was my art profile. This morning I looked again and googled it as well and the account seems to have been deleted.
I am not angry with him, does it make me sad? Yes. He has been under a lot of stress with family and work as he is temporarily caring for the both of us. How do I approach him about this? I can't 100% prove it was him but I want to see if my reasons make sense before I bring it up to him because I know he doesn't want to use porn anymore and I don't want to tell him his use of porn is a cause of some of my bad thoughts because I find that to be cruel. I just want to help him stop a habit he wants to be free from.

TL;DR :
I found my anti-porn boyfriends secret porn account, he blocked both of my Instagram accounts from that profile which has now been deleted, how do I approach him about it?

 

[permanent_solution]

just talk to him, heart to heart. dont baby him, porn is one of the worst, most abusive things in this world. you never really know what you are jerking off to, how old they are, if they are trafficked/abused/drugged/raped (answer is - most likely). bring this perspective up to him, its not only how it affects him, but most men.. when they quit porn they think only about their individual benefit. is he ok with jerking off to all that i mentioned? most likely not. that thought might help free him. of course, i know im being too intense here, since its instagram.. you probably mean half naked models, right? i dont know, either way, just talk to him, theres no secret way of approaching. i feel you on your ed and body issues, id feel bad too. its not cruel to bring this up, its how his addiction makes his partner feel, nothing cruel about making it known to him, imo. addicts actively hurt those around them, being acutely aware of this fact might actually help them, so no use coddling.

 

[.twilight.girl.]

just talk to him, heart to heart. dont baby him, porn is one of the worst, most abusive things in this world. you never really know what you are jerking off to, how old they are, if they are trafficked/abused/drugged/raped (answer is - most likely). bring this perspective up to him, its not only how it affects him, but most men.. when they quit porn they think only about their individual benefit. is he ok with jerking off to all that i mentioned? most likely not. that thought might help free him. of course, i know im being too intense here, since its instagram.. you probably mean half naked models, right? i dont know, either way, just talk to him, theres no secret way of approaching. i feel you on your ed and body issues, id feel bad too. its not cruel to bring this up, its how his addiction makes his partner feel, nothing cruel about making it known to him, imo. addicts actively hurt those around them, being acutely aware of this fact might actually help them, so no use coddling.

Thank you for your reply it really did help. I will be implementing your advice when I bring this up to him. And no unfortunately they were not half naked, it was actual porn with filters over them, not much was hidden at all and the few that had blurs on them were so small it might as well not have been there. I know Instagram is very strict with pornography on their platform but this was a big shock for me to see how explicit it really was.
Edit: And I agree with you about how his addiction is making me feel and I never really thought of it that way, thank you for you insight.

 

[permanent_solution]

Thank you for your reply it really did help. I will be implementing your advice when I bring this up to him. And no unfortunately they were not half naked, it was actual porn with filters over them, not much was hidden at all and the few that had blurs on them were so small it might as well not have been there. I know Instagram is very strict with pornography on their platform but this was a big shock for me to see how explicit it really was.
Edit: And I agree with you about how his addiction is making me feel and I never really thought of it that way, thank you for you insight.

oh, wow, i didnt expect it to be actual porn.. sad... &yes, instagram is strict, but sometimes things do slip through the cracks. (saw *two capital letters* on that site once, it was horrid). i had lots of time to think about addiction, and gain insight, living with an addict for most of my life. so no need to thank me and i hope you dont ever have to live with one. write back how it goes?

 

[.twilight.girl.]

oh, wow, i didnt expect it to be actual porn.. sad... &yes, instagram is strict, but sometimes things do slip through the cracks. (saw *two capital letters* on that site once, it was horrid). i had lots of time to think about addiction, and gain insight, living with an addict for most of my life. so no need to thank me and i hope you dont ever have to live with one. write back how it goes?

Absolutely! May take a day or two because I am Ill but I will appreciate your patience. )

 

[SexyIncél]

These questions come to mind:

• How's your communication? Would you say it's an 8 out of 10? (Or however you'd like to describe it.) Have you reasonably discussed difficult issues & both modified your behaviors to solve problems?
• Are you jealous? Or is it more about negative body image?
• Are there other pleasures that could make up for reducing his porn consumption?
• Could one (partial?) solution be to alter your body image problems, or decouple it from his porn consumption?

You mention "we are a very loving couple and don't have many issues at all." So I suspect your relationship could handle such a discussion, without damage — if done well. But you also said he's "under a lot of stress with family and work as he is temporarily caring for the both of us". So if there's a time to do it well & lovingly, this'd be it

At the same time, it seems his porn habit causes you suffering due to negative body image — leading to ED & suicidal thoughts. So some kind of mutual problem-solving is ideal. If you're good, moral, communicative problem-solvers, discussing this may not be a problem

Some of the loudest anti-porn people are that way because they're addicted, just like anti-gay people are. His outward disgust of it probably fuels the excitement. This may help you feel this isn't personal — not about your body at all

Romantic love is actually a rather difficult & artificial ideal to fully reach — where two people must concidentally share the same standard of "monogamy, exclusiveness, jealousy and undeviating fidelity". You're both quite impressive that you're mostly there!

On the moral dimension, since people are discussing it... I think sex workers are about as moral as anyone else, and should have rights/protections that some others get. (Not that it's relevant, but I do perform porn.) Our phones & laptops have battery minerals mined with child slave labor. Stores are full of wageslaves, many sitting at the end of a conveyor belt, repetitively scanning items. Often highly abused. It's currently hard to avoid benefiting from slavery & misery, unless you live in the woods

 

[permanent_solution]

On the moral dimension, since people are discussing it... I think sex workers are about as moral as anyone else, and should have rights/protections that some others get. (Not that it's relevant, but I do perform porn.) Our phones & laptops have battery minerals mined with child slave labor. Stores are full of wageslaves, many sitting at the end of a conveyor belt, repetitively scanning items. Often highly abused. It's currently hard to avoid benefiting from slavery & misery, unless you live in the woods

its a false comparison. but if i go by it, that makes porn an unnecessary benefit. it isnt necessary to anyones life to jerk off to prostitution caught on camera, often violent, sexist and underage. the abuse itself is the product being sold, that is the solid difference.

 

[SexyIncél]

its a false comparison. but if i go by it, that makes porn an unnecessary benefit. it isnt necessary to anyones life to jerk off to prostitution caught on camera, often violent, sexist and underage. the abuse itself is the product being sold, that is the solid difference.

Well, I certainly think we should eliminate the conditions where people aren't free to choose what to work on! And sadly it's not limited to porn — I've had to intervene when normal companies abuse underage employees

I do struggle with wondering, am I thin enough, will I look like them (whatever type of videos he watches) performance wise, am i doing things right? It is a lot of self esteem issues and confidence issues which is a whole other ball game to bring up here. He knows pretty much all of my physical self esteem issues, I just haven't told him how that makes me feel ( to know he watches porn) out of fear of rejection, spunding bossy/controlling.

I wonder if he could ease down to forms of porn that don't trigger your body issues? Like containing actors with more natural bodies. I definitely know some. And there's platforms like MakeLoveNotPorn

It might be a relief when you speak with him, because he's probably freaking out, strongly suspecting you caught him :P

Ooh, I just noticed this video giving advice to a woman with the same problem! Curious what he'll say...

 

[borderline-feline]

You don't need to confront him. Watching porn is a normal and healthy thing, especially for men. If it's really such an issue for you, you could always break up. There's nothing inherently wrong with porn, and he probably kept it secret because he didn't want you to find out.

 

[Disappointered]

its a false comparison. but if i go by it, that makes porn an unnecessary benefit. it isnt necessary to anyones life to jerk off to prostitution caught on camera, often violent, sexist and underage. the abuse itself is the product being sold, that is the solid difference.

I agree.