Am I in shock?

[neoyokio]

So I'm trying to find the words to describe what I'm feeling, as we know it's hard to articulate some of these things. I have this block that I don't quite know how to describe. My situation is I have both physical and mental illness that I have no hope and no desire to try to heal or band-aid any more, whereas I still had some fight for the past 10 years— I managed for so long with medications and then they just stopped working so it's a new place for me to be down here in such dire straits even though things were quite bad for so long.I have discussed my wish to ctb with my family and friends and they all understand why I am at this point. I have researched the method (exit bag) that I've chosen and have a way to get it I think. But I just feel… in shock? Like it just feels surreal that I'm in this place. I don't want to be in pain or exist anymore. But the steps to get there… it just feels so dark. When I imagine actually doing it I just freeze up and freak out. even though I definitely want to die…It's such a paradox. I'm imagining people reading this and being like "no duh", maybe this stuff is just obvious. I am trying to figure out how to process. I've always been very freaked out by violence and super sensitive to it so maybe it seems violent in a way even if it's gas and peaceful. Just wondering if other people want to share their experiences in this type of "blocked" place. My apologies if this has already been discussed a lot already, I didn't find anything searching for it but maybe people used other language. I see quite a bit about SI and that makes sense, maybe this is just my SI kicking in at an even earlier stage in a more nebulous way.

 

[jodes2]

It's probably quite a natural way to feel. We're not designed to be able to end our lives easily

 

[theboy]

You may be dissociated

 

[neoyokio]

You may be dissociated

I don't think so because I've done dissociative drugs, ketamine specifically, and I know what that feels like… this is more like my mind can't wrap itself around the reality so I just get really scared about the situation and don't know how to move forward. Idk if that makes sense.