22 years of marriage , and it is all over

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

So I have been creeping around here for a bit reading others posts . I have found it strangely comforting , so from just reading - an acct. and now to a post of my own. I have been married for 22 years, a wonderful woman , have 2 daughters , so amazing , smart and sweet , I have been so lucky . But couple years ago we started to have problems .Now most would look at me and say Im a tough guy , People are either intimidate by me, or they find safety by my side , as i always took care of friends problems. Most people would look at me and to use an internet term , call me a chad. I have never had problems with women if i wanted one, they look at me everyday . Please do not think i mention any of this as PRIDE , or BRAGGING. I do not care about that stuff. So I still have people telling crazy stories about my exploits aas a younger man . I have friends ,am able to assert myself . I am confident . I have sold drugs . robbed , beaten and committed frauds . Other darker stuff , some came back to bite me in the ass, as i have been stabbed , i have been shot at , jumped by over 1O guys. i have been hit by a truck . these are just what others did to try to get me back , or whatever . I met my wife and instantly i knew she was mine. I was hers. 2 weeks later we moved in together . everything was so incredibly great. I was tired of the hurting of people, i did not think it cool anymore , but i was angry . My wife was valium to me . I have not been with another woman in 22 years . she too was loyal to me . Gradually we grew together , we shared soo much , everything . I always put my "mask" on , but with her i could really be just me. I could say "im tired of fighting" , or cry if my friend passed. I loved her so incredibly much , still do we would be together every moment of every day. If i did get in trouble she backed me , waited while i was locked up , sent money came to court to see me for a minute. We had kids, she was amazing mother , She was strong where i wasnt , knew what i did not. Its over now. Now everything is just done for me , no pleasure can be felt , or joy taken , i sit each day , in a grey haze. i feel like i am floating . i constantly shake , tremors from deep inside , anxiety i guess. I read that what i am feeling is called disconnect .I move thru my day , yet am nowhere . i just feel massive pain overwhelming. I would have checked out, but my kids and wife would feel so bad . i cant square it yet . I always thought a man just deals with it. but this is masive , huge . I guess i write this because i hope it feels good , or maybe others will understand.I have also noticed alot of young people, on here , and maybe due to my age ,or having kids 18-16 makes me want to chat with some, I can understand and do believe that life is beautiful , true beauty can be found in the simplest of things. while i am not trying to judge or be moral , etc. i do feel that maybe some of u younger people should wait , things can change fast . its easy when young to be hard on yourself .and ridiculous as it seems , even tho i want to check out , id like to try to help a bit, however i can. even if someone just tells me to shut the F up . I am conflicted , on so many levels .I have done things , real things ,bad things . i made mistakes with my wife and kids too . anyway i guess i have whined enuff about my problems . feell free to comment or msg or whtever u call it , as im kinda old school and never done any of this kind of forum stuff before. Thanks if u made it this far , and i hope u all find the peace , the comfort you all wish to find

 

[wyo777]

We are all diffrent, we all got our own reasons. From my life experience i can just tell You( i m your age) that emotional pain with time goes away. Sometimes is better to wait. You need someone to talk and time, time, time. I hope You will find it.

 

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

thanks , and yeah i hear what your saying about the wait. it makes sense. I wrestle with the idea as , i do not wish to leave the lasting marks on their lives. really appreciate the reponse , i hope all is well and good or as it can be for u friend

 

[Linda]

Why is it over? What happened?

 

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

it started small , she has bpd , she would have these episodes where shed be convinced i would want to leave her, so 2 years ago , i about 2 years ago started to resent these episodes taking 2 weeks for her to get over, and i started to shut down . as it hurt to have her pull away , so as i shut down , she becomes more convinced . enter the arguing , as when one feels they are in pain then they feel resentful when another acts as tho they r the victim ,so i become less supportive , and she then dubles down . we would talk after a fight get over it , but it would come around again . So this then snowballs into a couple months , of us barely talking , not touching . i used porn then . I knew she didnt like that , in fact it hurt her . but i was hurt , mad and so i did rarely but i did . she monitored internet so she finds out. .we fight make up . again it rolls around , now though she is leaving to get groceries or watever and taking longer then expected , not msging , so i become scared , fear leads to paranoia . I loved her , i did not want to loose her. i just wanted her to not pull away from me , i just wanted her to lay with me at night with her head on my shoulder , i wanted to be supportive . now tho my paranoia , coupled with hers , spun us into petty b.s. I know she did it to upset me . this hurts , yet she believes i did the {porn } thing to hurt her or at least i just didnt care . so so fucking stupid. It was great , we got along so well . i still cannot believe it. it seems so fucking dumb right now. we had a 3 mos separation , i came back and it happened again. Now i dont want to hurt her anymore. she doesnt want me to hurt . it seems like such a simple thing to fix. we talk , she came and saw me last nite , we snuggled up in car , but later around 2 in morning she went home. she says things like she wants something simple.she wants to not hurt me , she, wants to not worry . she wants me happy , she thinks i can just meet someone else easy and be fine. its a stupid horrid mess.

 

[Linda]

it started small , she has bpd , she would have these episodes where shed be convinced i would want to leave her, so 2 years ago , i about 2 years ago started to resent these episodes taking 2 weeks for her to get over, and i started to shut down . as it hurt to have her pull away , so as i shut down , she becomes more convinced . enter the arguing , as when one feels they are in pain then they feel resentful when another acts as tho they r the victim ,so i become less supportive , and she then dubles down . we would talk after a fight get over it , but it would come around again . So this then snowballs into a couple months , of us barely talking , not touching . i used porn then . I knew she didnt like that , in fact it hurt her . but i was hurt , mad and so i did rarely but i did . she monitored internet so she finds out. .we fight make up . again it rolls around , now though she is leaving to get groceries or watever and taking longer then expected , not msging , so i become scared , fear leads to paranoia . I loved her , i did not want to loose her. i just wanted her to not pull away from me , i just wanted her to lay with me at night with her head on my shoulder , i wanted to be supportive . now tho my paranoia , coupled with hers , spun us into petty b.s. I know she did it to upset me . this hurts , yet she believes i did the {porn } thing to hurt her or at least i just didnt care . so so fucking stupid. It was great , we got along so well . i still cannot believe it. it seems so fucking dumb right now. we had a 3 mos separation , i came back and it happened again. Now i dont want to hurt her anymore. she doesnt want me to hurt . it seems like such a simple thing to fix. we talk , she came and saw me last nite , we snuggled up in car , but later around 2 in morning she went home. she says things like she wants something simple.she wants to not hurt me , she, wants to not worry . she wants me happy , she thinks i can just meet someone else easy and be fine. its a stupid horrid mess.

I think the two of you would benefit from therapy from a good relationship counsellor. This marriage can probably be fixed - assuming that you both want it to be fixed - but I don't think you will be able to fix it on your own.

 

[22yrsandnowshesgone]

I am trying to make things easier for her right now, and i do agree i think it can be fixed , but i dont know , if she will want to , its different right now then it ever was . but yes i am going to try very hard .a marriage counsellor is not a bad idea at all. women are different then men , they can decide something before hand , and do the "i put the mental blocks up" it can be very hard to change their mind sometimes .

 

[Metalhead]

I can relate with a lot of your post & have an understanding how you feel. If you want to send a message feel free to.

 

[Linda]

I am trying to make things easier for her right now, and i do agree i think it can be fixed , but i dont know , if she will want to , its different right now then it ever was . but yes i am going to try very hard .a marriage counsellor is not a bad idea at all. women are different then men , they can decide something before hand , and do the "i put the mental blocks up" it can be very hard to change their mind sometimes .

You (or the relationship counsellor) need to find a way to demonstrate to her that there is something in it for her if you do get back together again. You need to find a way to align her interests with yours.