your reasons to not kill yourself

[Fubart]

Whenever I have strong suicidal ideation, I think about the illusion of free will, and tell myself that when I am suffering enough, I will go through with it. I give myself permission, and this somehow relieves me of a lot of emotional pain and anxiety. Sometimes I think about how much freedom I have to do anything before I kill myself with no consequences. Recently, I tell myself that I should sell all of my possessions and clean my house first so my parents don't have to. I figure the grieving process would be easier if I did not leave a huge mess to clean up. I have no friends or pets, and really don't love or even like my family. I fear I will simply reincarnate to another life of equal or greater suffering. I want the perfect plan where I simply disappear, without a trace. I have been through this cycle of thought for over 20 years now, so I have very low confidence that I will fully commit, yet the chronic suicidality continues. This is why I am in favor of assisted suicide. It is more common to die of natural causes while chronically depressed and suicidal, than to commit suicide. Even the worst mental illnesses have a low successful suicide rate, and sex is a great distraction, which means mental illness is often passed on to children. It's not a form of natural selection, rather it's often used as motivation to have a family, thinking it would give life meaning. Life is so bizarre.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

I feel like I can still change and take advantage of the many talents I have. I know it, my gut is telling me I can change my life but at the same time I know extreme suffering is also guaranteed for me in the future so theres that.

 

[prospero]

It would be unfair with my family. My wife could carry on but my children would be more affected. It would also not just traumatise them but serve as an example that suicide is an option. And should any of my daughters commit suicide due to perceived problems during their puberty, it would surely devastate my wife. My wish for death doesn't really stem from practical things but we also we have some serious mid-term financial difficulties and it would be hard for my wife to manage that alone. Plus I see how deeply my parents are affected through their own upbringing, how much it affected their parental abilities that in turn affected me. So by committing suicide I would take part in propagating the misery to future generation. And lastly, being a buddhist who has some trust in the validity of karma theory, I think there is a considerable likelihood that I can't avoid my problems and in fact end up in a new incarnation with much severe karma and an even less appealing life.

 

[sheepgirl]

My family are my main reason

 

[SoftWorries]

I take MDMA, remain alive for 3-4 months, take it again and feel alive for a few hours and remain alive again.

Before I'd tried it I had never known wellness. For now it's a lifeline that I treat with reverence and respect so I can keep sipping on that serotonin and stay alive a couple more months.

 

[charlotte_]

Atp it's just because I'm too lazy to plan and a part of me still fear death. But on a more positive note, i have a really cute black cat. I can have the worst days ever but she makes me feel better everytime I see her

 

[MentalStefan]

Hacking! Makes me feel superior and powerful. Besides hacking is incredibly satisfying activity and a way to quickly learn a lot of things.

 

[BroodingBleu]

i'm trying very hard to give myself time to progress in my transition before i CTB, in hopes i can be more comfortable in my skin. If it doesn't change and I'm not dead within a few years, i will be for sure at that point.

 

[letsalllovelain:3]

My boyfriend. He specifically asked me to and said that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. He said that I managed to help him get himself together mentally with life. True, I still feel like CBT, yet these words mean a lot to me and they still give me some purpose to not do that.

 

[parader]

it may sound silly but i live with my boyfriend in a place owned by my parents, i know my boyfriend doesn't have the means right now to afford a place of his own if i'm gone and his family lives across the country, so whenever i start to seriously consider death as the only way, the last resort that keeps me here is knowing he wouldn't have anywhere to live for much longer while also grieving my loss

that's what stops me when things get really really bad, but i have other reasons too
i am actually quite privileged to have a lot of reasons i guess

 

[luminiby]

my pets mean the absolute world to me. no one can take care of them better than I can. they deserve the world and more

 

[painfulwords]

going to shows of my favorite artists! i don't know how my life would be without music, seriously. this refrained me from commiting awhile ago, too. hopefully I'll live longer for this reason.

 

[gogoprince]

I've got a wonderful partner and friends. I've been going through kind of a slump lately, but I'm confident I can manage this stress.

 

[endless_pain]

The one thing that stops me going straight to CTB is the feeling that I could live anyway like I should die the day after, but I am still not doing it. Still being stopped by my fears, I believe it is some kind of torture at some point

 

[ILuVCkn]

I havent confessed my feelings to my friend yet... probably never will.

 

[gar3z]

i've already been hurting my mom and i don't want to traumatize her any further. it would be very unfair.

 

[NambaSutra]

I have no reason to live. It's just hard to intentionally CTB and I chicken out every time I'm trying to get ready. I can point an unloaded gun at my head and pull the trigger but I freak out at the idea of putting ammo in it.

 

[friendofbirds]

if i die my dad would have lost his mom, his wife, and his child, all within a span of 5 years

 

[awen]

Four years ago I started cutting myself. I was depressed and so many things were going on in my life. But 2 years later, a few weeks after my birthday, I met with a friend. She was wearing shorts and a shirt in the middle of the winter. I couldn't do that. Not because it was cold. Because my arms were covered with scars. It was pretty suffocating. Some days I just wanted to go naked. And seeing her, dress up so freely, laughing, crying, being a free human. I felt really jealous of her. I decided to change. And I did. Now the Idea of CTB just seems silly. I still sometimes struggle with the self-harming situation but at least I found a way to live.

 

[norwegianbuttercris]

My family.
I grew up in a very strict-Irish catholic household and something that stopped me ctb was that killing yourself is a sin and you'll go to hell for it. So it scared me that i'd never see my family again.

 

[death song]

My cat and 2 dogs that I just can't abandon to their fate. My cat has been a large source of keeping me somewhat together for almost 14 years. He just seems to know when I am wigging out and will come sit in my lap or want me to pet him or give him some attention. This helps divert my mind from my anxiety and panic attacks.

 

[Ineedtodie]

The only main reason i' m not killing myself is an oral test that i can't possiblydo again if miss the date. It's in 20 days. That's probably the only real motivator or deterrent. I might as well consider after.

 

[Stylite]

I'm afraid of what could lie beyond death. I want to drink more tasty booze. I have a glimmer of desire to fix myself out of this mess. I want to read more literature and historical books before I die. I want to write something that's recognized by others as good. I want to do something to be remembered and immortalized if only briefly- as ironic as that sounds. I feel fear, anxiety, and guilt at the thought of burdening my family and friends with my death.

 

[milkandcoffee]

In the past it's just been fear that the act of dying might hurt and SI. These days I suppose I'm largely hanging on for my partner. I also really like music and I like to play sad emo shit and it makes me feel a bit better. Actually, the other day I was watching a youtube video of one of my favorite artists. She was playing a song of hers I'd always liked to listen to when I was feeling suicidal, but she said it's actually more of an anti-suicide message there. I feel very heard in her music and I can tell she gets it. So if she's discouraging it, maybe there's something there to listen to.

Of course, this sort of revelation doesn't magically lift the pain. I'm still the same person with the same problems as I had been before I saw that video. :/

 

[Itz_d3p]

My mother and my pets (two dogs) I don't know how much time I have with them I've been losing a lot of beloved ones so I'm just waiting me being alone so I can do it.

 

[AresCohere]

As much as I want to do it I am stuck with an annoyingly strong primal instinct to keep "living"

But as time passes it is fading

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I can't get a job despite knowing I can CTB with it. Going out terrifies me and looking online for one is too boring so I just procrastinate.

I'd probably already be long dead if I could just function like a normal person.

 

[cristata]

Survival instinct, my favourite show, my friends and my pet cat. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from these dark emotions, but those things make it a little more bearable. I should probably also include medication. It helps keep me calmer.

 

[leloyon]

I'm currently not in a position to (do not have a method ready) and I have some things I intend to do before I go that I am not currently in the position to do.
Needless to say though, I doubt I will see the end of next year, even seeing the end of this year is doubtful.

 

[jamie_]

i don't have the energy, the capacity, or the courage. end of list.