nayomi
only the truth will save us all
- Jul 19, 2026
- 217
So around ages 14–16, I had depression that caused suicidal thoughts, and then those suicidal thoughts became something separate from the depression itself. My way out of that situation was to create a sense of meaning where the suicidal thoughts (a pain that feels worse than death) wouldn't return. The way was to avoid the pain of that thing which is worse than death. The way to avoid that pain was to feel good all the time, so that the pain wouldn't exist anymore.
I faced several disappointments along the way, but each time I thought that if I made a certain change, I would find the way to make it stop. Eventually, I discovered that it cannot be prevented, which brought me to my current state.In other words, if the purpose of never returning to suicidal thoughts shatters, I am left with either continuing to work on it or taking my own life, because I am in a state worse than death.
I discovered that I have suicidal thoughts stemming from positive thoughts sometimes, and I realized that what actually creates them is the very thing trying to prevent them—control over my life. The attempt to control my life creates suicidality, not the emotion itself.My entire framework of meaning shattered in that moment, because I had thought I needed to maintain positive emotions to avoid that state, when in fact that maintenance isn't needed at all.What creates a pain worse than death isn't the pain itself, but the shattering of the (toxic) meaning I try to maintain in my life—where the shattering of that meaning is worse than death to me.
In short, a state of self-deception was created, where the part of me that creates this situation (trying to control my life) points fingers at other parts as if they are to blame, instead of realizing that it is the one causing it.What to do with life now is a real question; also, that part still wants to be a part of my personality and this new journey, and I will need to give it space.
AI tldr:
I faced several disappointments along the way, but each time I thought that if I made a certain change, I would find the way to make it stop. Eventually, I discovered that it cannot be prevented, which brought me to my current state.In other words, if the purpose of never returning to suicidal thoughts shatters, I am left with either continuing to work on it or taking my own life, because I am in a state worse than death.
I discovered that I have suicidal thoughts stemming from positive thoughts sometimes, and I realized that what actually creates them is the very thing trying to prevent them—control over my life. The attempt to control my life creates suicidality, not the emotion itself.My entire framework of meaning shattered in that moment, because I had thought I needed to maintain positive emotions to avoid that state, when in fact that maintenance isn't needed at all.What creates a pain worse than death isn't the pain itself, but the shattering of the (toxic) meaning I try to maintain in my life—where the shattering of that meaning is worse than death to me.
In short, a state of self-deception was created, where the part of me that creates this situation (trying to control my life) points fingers at other parts as if they are to blame, instead of realizing that it is the one causing it.What to do with life now is a real question; also, that part still wants to be a part of my personality and this new journey, and I will need to give it space.
AI tldr:
- The Original Trap: You spent years trying to maintain total control and constant positive emotions to protect yourself from suicidal thoughts.
- The Realization: You discovered that the desperate attempt to maintain that control—the rigid framework itself—was actually creating the pain worse than death whenever it inevitably shattered.
- The Current Shift: Your old survival mechanism has collapsed. You realize you don't need to force positive emotions to stay safe, but you're now left rebuilding your purpose from scratch while learning how to integrate that protective, control-seeking part of yourself without letting it run the show.
