Yes, I will die one day

[Aplev]

It's been a long time. Many years of pain and suffering, of loneliness, of lies and betrayal. Of self-harming, of failed suicide attempts, of despair, wanting to go out of this cage and being unable to. The outrageousness, the madness, the unfulfilled desire to be free. It's been a long time...

But I know that with every day that passes, I'm one step closer to that day when I will finally die. And it'll all be over then.

Now I hide. I survive. I lie. People lie to me. I deal with masks, I hide my feelings, I fight, all for the sake of reducing my suffering as much as possible, to survive each day. Not like I want to... but my survival instincts are stronger than me, so I don't have a choice.

Avoided confrontations, saying I believe in something even though I find it despictable, disgusting, saving things for myself just so that I can keep the relationships that are convenient for me on a daily basis.

I hate it, I hate it all! But this too, will end one day.

Because yes. I will die one day. And then it'll all be over.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Death being inevitable is my only comfort in life. The only issue for me though is that it takes so long to actually get there

 

[SVEN]

The motto of "Solomon's Ring", "This Too Will Pass". In triumph it keeps one humble, in defeat and depression it gives one hope.

 

[Aplev]

Death being inevitable is my only comfort in life. The only issue for me though is that it takes so long to actually get there

So long. I can only hope that day comes sooner.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

My hope is that i get a fatal disease, otherwise i will die one day, one day all this would be over.

 

[Aplev]

My hope is that i get a fatal disease, otherwise i will die one day, one day all this would be over.

This is my hope also. I don't take care of my body as much, so it's a reasonable possibility. Either way, yes, one day I will die, one day all this will be over.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

This is my hope also. I don't take care of my body as much, so it's a reasonable possibility. Either way, yes, one day I will die, one day all this will be over.

It really sucks when the only thing that bring you some positive thoughts is the fact that each day that pass you get closer to death. I'd like to be able to project myself in the future with hope as other do, but no matter how hard I try to find a solution to make my life bearable, thinking again and again about it, I always find myself at a dead end. So in this situation, i can only live each day in this horrible inner contradiction between my desires and my real condition. Which leads me to think that I would be better off continuing to live like a robot, simply doing what is necessary to provide for my needs while letting time pass. At the same time, this seems unimaginable to me too, so yet another contradiction. courage to you!

 

[Aplev]

It really sucks when the only thing that bring you some positive thoughts is the fact that each day that pass you get closer to death. I'd like to be able to project myself in the future with hope as other do, but no matter how hard I try to find a solution to make my life bearable, thinking again and again about it, I always find myself at a dead end. So in this situation, i can only live each day in this horrible inner contradiction between my desires and my real condition. Which leads me to think that I would be better off continuing to live like a robot, simply doing what is necessary to provide for my needs while letting time pass. At the same time, this seems unimaginable to me too, so yet another contradiction. courage to you!

That sounds like a very vivid description of what I'm going through every day, specially this sentence here: "So in this situation, i can only live each day in this horrible inner contradiction between my desires and my real condition". I like how you talk about contradictions, because I feel like everything I see in my life are contradictions. Both within me, and in other people. It seems like my eye is trained to catch them very easily. And it deprives me of enjoyment, because I want to be one thing, but I also want to be another. And I'm at this dead end where I can simply stay staring at the wall without doing much else. Maybe go back and take a different path, but it leads again to a dead end.

All I do now is pretty much being a robot, finding ways to reduce my suffering as much as possible (which sometimes feel like so vain but it's also natural to try and then feel the frustration and extreme unending sadness that comes with it, I can't help it), while simply letting time pass.

I simply cannot be like others. I'm simply myself.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

i'm glad you can relate to my description ( and not glad at the same time as i wouldn't wish it to anyone, yet another contradiction! ). I'm sorry you're going trough this, i know what it is to try again and again to find a way out without being able to find a compromise to have a bearable daily life. I think it will be difficult to stop doing it because we are programmed to desire and seek to fix what makes us suffer. It is something mad, been naturally inclined to desire and seek to improve without being able to bring about sufficient change. Should i pursue the improvement despite that it seem not possible to make a valid change or should I resign myself to live like a robot, which will also lead to suffering but in another way, because desire will still come knocking at the door, making us realize that our mechanical existence is only an illusory escape leading to other sufferings. I feel stuck between these two paths and will eventually opt for the robot's one to make my head less upset. If something pleasant comes my way after taking this path, so much the better, in the meantime I no longer feel capable of spending every day brooding over my terrible condition and ending up in despair. So perhaps I will resign myself to acting as a robot without asking myself to many question. Not sure i'll make it.

That sounds like a very vivid description of what I'm going through every day, specially this sentence here: "So in this situation, i can only live each day in this horrible inner contradiction between my desires and my real condition". I like how you talk about contradictions, because I feel like everything I see in my life are contradictions. Both within me, and in other people. It seems like my eye is trained to catch them very easily. And it deprives me of enjoyment, because I want to be one thing, but I also want to be another. And I'm at this dead end where I can simply stay staring at the wall without doing much else. Maybe go back and take a different path, but it leads again to a dead end.

All I do now is pretty much being a robot, finding ways to reduce my suffering as much as possible (which sometimes feel like so vain but it's also natural to try and then feel the frustration and extreme unending sadness that comes with it, I can't help it), while simply letting time pass.

I simply cannot be like others. I'm simply myself.

i replied just above.

 

[Luke27]

That's the most positive way we can think. That each day is ever so slightly closer to peace

 

[thereisnoone]

Its just a long stall. Im waiting for something that waits for me. But I can thread the gap If I have a will stronger than anything

 

[Aplev]

i'm glad you can relate to my description ( and not glad at the same time as i wouldn't wish it to anyone, yet another contradiction! ). I'm sorry you're going trough this, i know what it is to try again and again to find a way out without being able to find a compromise to have a bearable daily life. I think it will be difficult to stop doing it because we are programmed to desire and seek to fix what makes us suffer. It is something mad, been naturally inclined to desire and seek to improve without being able to bring about sufficient change. Should i pursue the improvement despite that it seem not possible to make a valid change or should I resign myself to live like a robot, which will also lead to suffering but in another way, because desire will still come knocking at the door, making us realize that our mechanical existence is only an illusory escape leading to other sufferings. I feel stuck between these two paths and will eventually opt for the robot's one to make my head less upset. If something pleasant comes my way after taking this path, so much the better, in the meantime I no longer feel capable of spending every day brooding over my terrible condition and ending up in despair. So perhaps I will resign myself to acting as a robot without asking myself to many question. Not sure i'll make it.

i replied just above.

I feel I'm at that point. These days I've been the most robot-like I've been my entire life. Simply doings things because, well, they're needed for me to survive. Crying a lot also though, because I really dislike and hate all of this so much. Sometimes, like right now though, I don't even feel like crying anymore. It's just... I'm just passing by. Simply living every day.

Sounds like I'm finally starting to give up. I never wanted to see this day... but it would seem I will, and it's outside of my control.

I'm also sorry you're going through this.

Don't worry, it's the same for me I think. I'm also both glad and not glad that we can relate to each other. It'd be a lot nicer if life didn't exist in the first place, but at the same time, things being as they are, it's nice feeling that we're not 100% alone. Whatever that means, anyway. Lately I've been pondering that even if some of us feel similar pain, in the end only each of us know our own pain. So it's like we're 100% alone at the end of the day. Meh.

"It is something mad, been naturally inclined to desire and seek to improve without being able to bring about sufficient change". Yeah, it's like we're just doing it just because. No real purpose, since no real change can be achieved.

They say the cause of suffering is desire, and I think it's true. The problem is, we can't stop desiring. I can't stop desiring things were better, different. So I can't stop suffering. It's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault. It is simply the way we've been programmed and designed to be. Maybe someone did it for fun. The world itself seems to be built on sadism as a base.

I just can't wait for the time this is all over.