This post turned into my emotional ramblings, sorry. Posting here to get it out of my system.
I was asked today by a bot account what the perfect day would look like for me from start to finish. I didn't reply, but i thought about it. I'm messed up.
The day would start with me being kidnapped and taken out into a forest where no one would ever hear or find me, and everything i own being destroyed or otherwise gotten rid of. In the forest, I'd get strangled and r-'d by 2 handsome men, and when they let me finish, and they finish, one would blow my head into pieces with a shotgun. And then they'd incinerate my body and keep some of my ashes as a keepsake. Then --since it's the perfect day-- I'd meet God and he would grant my entire existence complete erasure and uncreation; removing every trace of me from the multiverse and turning my soul into consciousness dust.
Perfect day.
Yeah then i deleted my dating profile because no one i would ever want would ever choose me anyway. Not with a mind like this, no!
They'd tell me their accomplishments when introducing themselves, wtf am i to say in response? I had a lot of dreams and goals, and have accomplished none of them -- not even close. Not one thing. a lot of ideas, creativity, potential that i can't do anything with. Stuck in the dirt with the shit and vermin as always. Homeless jobless hungry and my friends try to tell me "no, you're not a loser!" Lies. Lieslieslies so funny hahahaha. Worthless garbage indeed.
If you happen to wonder what the fuck my problem is -- I survived 17 years of trafficking, calling myself a warrior to make myself feel less fucking pathetic about it, as though it didn't ruin and soil any chance of being valued and loved or successful and destroy me as a woman and human. And i think i could actually get over that, if i could just have one fucking thing to be proud of about my life. A home? A job? A fucking vacation even, that doesn't involve being kidnapped? My fantasy is a strange way i've come to cope, creating a sense of control over the scenario. I used to just be scaredscaredscared but something changed. I laugh, i cry, i'm numb. Stupid clown with a sad frown. No, what makes it all the worse is that i have nothing to show for everything i tried. Almost 30 now and nothing. That stuff was a long time ago, and the emptiness now just makes the past so much louder. I don't know how people do it -- succeed. Maybe because they're not completely fucking alone the way i am.
Got told the other day "you can't get ptsd from rape, only our service members get it from watching people die in war" so funny so funny hahahahaha we know it was a man that said it. and for some reason it keeps popping in my head. I wanted to tell him something like well maybe after thousands of times ..... if his body was violated thousands of times he might change his mind. Might understand. I know i'd have preferred watching someone die instead. Thinking about my skull being torn to shreds calms me, i feel my pupils dilate thinking about it. Other people have happy thoughts, that one is mine. Oh to be in pieces, teeth and ashes. Death makes the pain end, violation sticks for life. What an idiot. Even the bible said it'd be better to kill them than to touch them in such a way -- it's true. So why does He make me live like this? Sins of the father indeed haunt me torture me and not something so simple as a nice man to smile at me and call me pretty no no. I see my peers get married and have beautiful happy families. I'm so happy for them. The way life could've gone. Not for me, though. No. I just wish i could have something like that too. Maybe i was hitler in my last life idk.
Wish i could restart my character, worst game I've ever played 0/10 i hate every single second of it and ESC isn't working trapped in full scream - full screen
My perfect day would be for my complete destruction and deletion. How about you?
I was asked today by a bot account what the perfect day would look like for me from start to finish. I didn't reply, but i thought about it. I'm messed up.
The day would start with me being kidnapped and taken out into a forest where no one would ever hear or find me, and everything i own being destroyed or otherwise gotten rid of. In the forest, I'd get strangled and r-'d by 2 handsome men, and when they let me finish, and they finish, one would blow my head into pieces with a shotgun. And then they'd incinerate my body and keep some of my ashes as a keepsake. Then --since it's the perfect day-- I'd meet God and he would grant my entire existence complete erasure and uncreation; removing every trace of me from the multiverse and turning my soul into consciousness dust.
Perfect day.
Yeah then i deleted my dating profile because no one i would ever want would ever choose me anyway. Not with a mind like this, no!
They'd tell me their accomplishments when introducing themselves, wtf am i to say in response? I had a lot of dreams and goals, and have accomplished none of them -- not even close. Not one thing. a lot of ideas, creativity, potential that i can't do anything with. Stuck in the dirt with the shit and vermin as always. Homeless jobless hungry and my friends try to tell me "no, you're not a loser!" Lies. Lieslieslies so funny hahahaha. Worthless garbage indeed.
If you happen to wonder what the fuck my problem is -- I survived 17 years of trafficking, calling myself a warrior to make myself feel less fucking pathetic about it, as though it didn't ruin and soil any chance of being valued and loved or successful and destroy me as a woman and human. And i think i could actually get over that, if i could just have one fucking thing to be proud of about my life. A home? A job? A fucking vacation even, that doesn't involve being kidnapped? My fantasy is a strange way i've come to cope, creating a sense of control over the scenario. I used to just be scaredscaredscared but something changed. I laugh, i cry, i'm numb. Stupid clown with a sad frown.
No, what makes it all the worse is that i have nothing to show for everything i tried. Almost 30 now and nothing. That stuff was a long time ago, and the emptiness now just makes the past so much louder. I don't know how people do it -- succeed. Maybe because they're not completely fucking alone the way i am.Got told the other day "you can't get ptsd from rape, only our service members get it from watching people die in war" so funny so funny hahahahaha we know it was a man that said it. and for some reason it keeps popping in my head. I wanted to tell him something like well maybe after thousands of times ..... if his body was violated thousands of times he might change his mind. Might understand. I know i'd have preferred watching someone die instead. Thinking about my skull being torn to shreds calms me, i feel my pupils dilate thinking about it. Other people have happy thoughts, that one is mine. Oh to be in pieces, teeth and ashes. Death makes the pain end, violation sticks for life. What an idiot. Even the bible said it'd be better to kill them than to touch them in such a way -- it's true. So why does He make me live like this? Sins of the father indeed haunt me torture me and not something so simple as a nice man to smile at me and call me pretty no no. I see my peers get married and have beautiful happy families. I'm so happy for them. The way life could've gone. Not for me, though. No. I just wish i could have something like that too. Maybe i was hitler in my last life idk.
Wish i could restart my character, worst game I've ever played 0/10 i hate every single second of it and ESC isn't working
trapped in full scream - full screen My perfect day would be for my complete destruction and deletion. How about you?
