Would you trade your CTB for one good friend?

[Ε. Η. R.]

I had as "girlfriend", so as "best friend", so as more two "friends". All from the same social group.
The first two spoke to me the kindest words I have ever heard in my life. They said they would always be with me. ᠌ ᠌they betrayed. I've been betrayed too much in my life. I'm disappointed in friendship, romance.
I wouldn't want a friend who would say good things to me, and only wishes the best for me - and she (or he) knew that I didn't trust her (or him) one hundred percent. She would have known that I would always think about betrayal. It would be painful both for her and for me.
And a true friend would not force me to live, knowing what absolute hell I was in.

 

[livinginsorrow]

i'm in the same boat. i've been betrayed over and over again, cheating, dumped and them getting back with an ex. so i totally understand keeping your distance with new people and being unable to trust. i have friends and they're good to me; but i do keep my distance still. to be safe. for my own emotional well-being. but i would trade wanting to CTB for anything positive personally. for me, it can be debilitating to want to give up on life. even through all my pain, i still want to give life a crack. i still want to try. it's a difficult world we live in with so many being detached and uncaring, but i would rather believe there is a possibility of a good friend or partner being out there for me, even if it's not forever, than believing i can never trust again or have it again. i like to think of everything as "well it was nice while it lasted" and "it was a learning experience (one way or the other)". most learning experiences suck, but i try to take them as just lessons and move on as quickly as i can from the pain. i'm trying to not let my past pains define who i am, or how it affects my future relationships. i want to let people in, and if i get betrayed or hurt again, at least i am more prepared this time. there are people out there who won't leave you or betray you and i guess we just have to be open to them.
i hope you're doing okay and i am here for you if you need to talk. it's really hard to deal with the way others treat you and just know you're not alone, but not everyone will treat you like that and i hope you're able to not let past people define who you are and what you deserve.
sending love

 

[todeswunsch]

I am currently pretty lonely, and its a major stressor rn. I wanted to connect to people, but I feel like I can't.
I've been suicidal for most of my life, neven been convinced that worth living.
Even when I had close friends, a girlfriend, and surrounded by good people, I still wanted to die.

So I think that, even tho lonely is a major thing, this not the problem alone, and I would still wanting CTB.
But I can't say for certain because I never felt connected with people. Even my girlfriend I didn't feel connected - that's why I ended up breaking up with her. I feel like I am fundamentally different than everyone, probably because of autism.
I wonder if I felt this real connection things could be different, but I don't know. I don't know if this is even possible. Maybe I'm broken by definition

 

[livinginsorrow]

I am currently pretty lonely, and its a major stressor rn. I wanted to connect to people, but I feel like I can't.
I've been suicidal for most of my life, neven been convinced that worth living.
Even when I had close friends, a girlfriend, and surrounded by good people, I still wanted to die.

So I think that, even tho lonely is a major thing, this not the problem alone, and I would still wanting CTB.
But I can't say for certain because I never felt connected with people. Even my girlfriend I didn't feel connected - that's why I ended up breaking up with her. I feel like I am fundamentally different than everyone, probably because of autism.
I wonder if I felt this real connection things could be different, but I don't know. I don't know if this is even possible. Maybe I'm broken by definition

personally, i don't believe anyone is fundamentally broken and if there are, that they're not "fixable". i'm sorry to hear you don't feel connectedness, but hope you are able to find that in some avenue in your life - i.e. anime / video game forums (if that's what you're interested in) school, work etc. ): i know a few people with autism and know it can be harder for them to connect but when they do they feel less alone. i hope that if this is the case, you can do too. i would love to get to know you more and maybe we could be friends? <3 atm i'm not able to PM (i'm not sure why) but would be more than happy to chat here or elsewhere if you wanted to… i'm here for you and hope that you can find connectedness in your life. human connection can really help a lot. i hope it can help you too

 

[mob]

I have friends who genuinely care. I have fun with them, we joke, we laugh. I still feel lonely and suicidal. So no, it still wouldn't stop me.

 

[voyager]

No way. I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

Maybe if it were a girlfriend who I could rely on and who could rely on me, but pinning everything on them would be too much pressure to put on someone.

Either way I look ugly asf lol. I've tried many times, but I realized I'm ok with staying in the terminally single club until I kill myself.

 

[sash]

Hi. It is natural to want a friend. We are social animals. Pack life. We are (some of us) caring and nurturing. We even look after other species. Humans are not meant to be solitary.
It is also hope that there is someone out there for us. Part of the SI is hope.

I had a couple friends online that kept me going a bit longer, but no, a good friend wouldn't change it, cos it doesn't last.
The only person who could be a 'friend' rn is someone in the same boat, or bus :) That friendship wouldn't last long, but it would last til the day we die.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Hm, I did this before.
A major part in keeping me alive and away from suicide was my connection to a really close friend I had in the US.
I never attempted while living in the States, and my ideation was nowhere near as strong as it is in the non-US years.

It didn't last though, cuz now that I'm unable to live there (and stay connected to my friend), I spiraled really hard, and couldn't stop myself from desperately wanting to ctb.
I think in the end, while the friendship was a solid anchor, I needed to become more independent and able to live with myself for longer periods.
It really helped the relationship whenever we saw each other less frequently anyhow... Made the time together more special.

I don't think I could trade it again, because my trust system is so broken after everything that happened.
I'm the only one that can (or can't) keep me safe at this point.

 

[EternalShore]

I want to say, yes, but unfortunately, just that won't be enough. :( I'm beyond repair tbh~

 

[almostovernow]

I have friends. For me it does not matter, as the friends cannot imagine my life experience. A supportive family may have helped.