Will I be able to do it all alone?

[Neptunette]

I've been looking for a ctb partner, but honestly I think my expectations were too high, which is ironic. So hopeless, that you want to die, yet you have the highest expectations for your attempt. I was basically looking for a deep connection with someone, since I couldn't do it with just anyone. But I have a hard time maintaining meaningful friendships either way and people have always told me that I am weird ( in an off-putting way) so I don't know what I expected. Plus I think most people here have been "hollowed out" and dont have the energy to form connections anymore (if they were even able to to begin with). The issue with doing it alone is that I will be way more scared and more likely to chicken out. Plus, there's probably some emotional need to it that I wanted to fulfill. Dying with someone you care about just seems nicer. But now that that has not really worked out, I will have to do it by myself. I'm just not quite sure how to get over that moment in which the survival instinct kicks in, and that little monkey within me starts defending it's urge to preserve itself and somehow always ultimately wins over the miserable human who wants to just die already. I've been fantasising about getting murdered a lot, ot would be a lot easier on people I know too, I think. These fantasies have been able to get me through the day. I dose off, I think about it, I fall asleep, I dream about it. I wish someone would just shoot me in the head, quick and easy.

 

[steppingoff]

Tbh I have given up on the idea of finding a CTB partner. It's far to much work to coordinate your own death let alone coordinate it with someone

I now just look for people that I can have meaningful conversations. Not the post and wait for an answer type but real time chatting liks in IMa or sometimes voice

It may not be an answer to dying alone but you have a group of people that are fully supportive of you and are part of your plan

 

[etherealspring]

I relate to this a lot. i think a lot about how much easier it would be if someone just killed me, or if id be more likely to go through if it if someone was next to me

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Finding a CTB partner comes with a loot of issues and the younger you are the more difficult it is. Just imagine the worst case one of you survives. I think there r only very few methods that "guarantee" that both succeed.

None of us would want to be alone in such crucial life-changing moments but there are legal issues that have to be considered which makes that's plan difficult.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can find the strength you need to achieve whatever you wish for.

 

[Pancake1230]

Having someone to ctb with is something I've been fantasizing alot about recently, but realistically, I probably won't be able to do. I have severe anxiety and also have trouble making and keeping friends, but theres also the fact that I've also heard of people being sa'd by their ctb partner, which is one of my worst fears.

As much as I'd love to have a real friend at the end, I don't think I'll be able to. I think I'd feel guilty about dragging someone else down with me too,,,

I hope everything works out for you, and that loads of happiness come your way