Neptunette
tired head, heavy eyelids
- Jan 8, 2024
- 19
I've been looking for a ctb partner, but honestly I think my expectations were too high, which is ironic. So hopeless, that you want to die, yet you have the highest expectations for your attempt. I was basically looking for a deep connection with someone, since I couldn't do it with just anyone. But I have a hard time maintaining meaningful friendships either way and people have always told me that I am weird ( in an off-putting way) so I don't know what I expected. Plus I think most people here have been "hollowed out" and dont have the energy to form connections anymore (if they were even able to to begin with). The issue with doing it alone is that I will be way more scared and more likely to chicken out. Plus, there's probably some emotional need to it that I wanted to fulfill. Dying with someone you care about just seems nicer. But now that that has not really worked out, I will have to do it by myself. I'm just not quite sure how to get over that moment in which the survival instinct kicks in, and that little monkey within me starts defending it's urge to preserve itself and somehow always ultimately wins over the miserable human who wants to just die already. I've been fantasising about getting murdered a lot, ot would be a lot easier on people I know too, I think. These fantasies have been able to get me through the day. I dose off, I think about it, I fall asleep, I dream about it. I wish someone would just shoot me in the head, quick and easy.