Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Caleb, I'm 27 years old, and I feel like a burden to everyone around me. Ever since my mom passed away, life hasn't been the same. It feels empty, like I'm just existing without a purpose. I don't have the will to keep going anymore.
I have four brothers, but none of them keep in touch. They always say they're too busy, and I don't even know if they care. I live with my dad—yeah, I know, I'm a failure. I know he's disappointed in me. I've lost jobs, been laid off, and no one will hire me. I'm drowning in debt—$30,000 total, $15,000 behind on child support—and I can't even afford to feed my son when he's here. It's been a week since I've eaten, and the only reason I ate then was because my dad brought something home. Otherwise, I just pretend I've eaten so he doesn't ask.
My son is better off without me anyway. His mom is married, and he calls her husband "Dad." When he visits me, all he wants to do is play video games—nothing else. He doesn't want to spend time with me. It's like I don't even exist to him.And then there's my brothers—each one of them successful, with real lives, real futures. My brother Clayton and I share the same parents, while the others—Donald, Tyler, and Davy—have the same mom but a different dad. Donald is in the military. Tyler owns a car shop and makes good money. Davy has his own wiring business. And Clayton—he's a cop, married, living in a $350,000 house, able to buy whatever he wants. And then there's me—stuck, broke, failing at everything I touch. Davy hates me. The others don't even acknowledge me.
I can't get a job. I can't afford anything. I can't even talk to anyone online because no one wants anything to do with me. I've let everyone down. My dad still pays for my phone, but what's the point? No one texts me. No one calls.
I don't want to be here anymore. Every night, I pray that God just takes me in my sleep, so I don't have to do it myself. I was raised in church. I believe in God, in what Jesus did on the cross. But I wonder—does God forgive suicide? If someone has suffered for years, if they ask for forgiveness in their last moments, would He still let them in? Would I get to see my mom again?
I know people will be hurt, but staying here hurts too. I just hope, when it's over, the pain finally stops.
I have four brothers, but none of them keep in touch. They always say they're too busy, and I don't even know if they care. I live with my dad—yeah, I know, I'm a failure. I know he's disappointed in me. I've lost jobs, been laid off, and no one will hire me. I'm drowning in debt—$30,000 total, $15,000 behind on child support—and I can't even afford to feed my son when he's here. It's been a week since I've eaten, and the only reason I ate then was because my dad brought something home. Otherwise, I just pretend I've eaten so he doesn't ask.
My son is better off without me anyway. His mom is married, and he calls her husband "Dad." When he visits me, all he wants to do is play video games—nothing else. He doesn't want to spend time with me. It's like I don't even exist to him.And then there's my brothers—each one of them successful, with real lives, real futures. My brother Clayton and I share the same parents, while the others—Donald, Tyler, and Davy—have the same mom but a different dad. Donald is in the military. Tyler owns a car shop and makes good money. Davy has his own wiring business. And Clayton—he's a cop, married, living in a $350,000 house, able to buy whatever he wants. And then there's me—stuck, broke, failing at everything I touch. Davy hates me. The others don't even acknowledge me.
I can't get a job. I can't afford anything. I can't even talk to anyone online because no one wants anything to do with me. I've let everyone down. My dad still pays for my phone, but what's the point? No one texts me. No one calls.
I don't want to be here anymore. Every night, I pray that God just takes me in my sleep, so I don't have to do it myself. I was raised in church. I believe in God, in what Jesus did on the cross. But I wonder—does God forgive suicide? If someone has suffered for years, if they ask for forgiveness in their last moments, would He still let them in? Would I get to see my mom again?
I know people will be hurt, but staying here hurts too. I just hope, when it's over, the pain finally stops.
