Venting Why the fuck am I even trying

[struggles_inc]

I feel stupid for trying to talk to people. To open up. It's like talking to fucking furniture. Even less effective, because at least you expect a chair to fucking say nothing.

I feel like I'm surrounded by fucking idiots in real life. I'm sorry it sounds so narcissistic, BUT I CANNOT ANYMORE OK?

Every time I talk about something important to me, I just feel a dead stupid stare of someone I speak with. Like a person in front of me is not far from drooling. They never listen. They are NEVER compassionate. THEY ONLY LISTEN WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

I tried. So. Many. Times. Tried and failed. Guess I'm a fucking alien, a ghost. I speak some unknown language.
Only SaSu users get me. Here is the ONLY place I ever got truly supported. Apart from "oOh dOn'T kIlL yOuRsElf" type shit I got when I had the RAW STUPIDITY to confess about how I feel.

I am done. I AM DONE.
Today was the last straw. People around me benefit from me tremendously. From this day forward, I will charge them for it.
No more free shit from me.

 

[the_fail_man]

I feel every last wisp of this post. The embodiment of my life has been me being compassionate. Has been me giving. With nothing in return. Listening is such a rare trait these days. I hate saying that but here we both are. Feeling the same thing. I'm tired of people exploiting me too man. My entire life. I've been the outcast and the "he's an amazing person" (to get things from). Guy. I'm sick of it too.

 

[struggles_inc]

I feel every last wisp of this post. The embodiment of my life has been me being compassionate. Has been me giving. With nothing in return. Listening is such a rare trait these days. I hate saying that but here we both are. Feeling the same thing. I'm tired of people exploiting me too man. My entire life. I've been the outcast and the "he's an amazing person" (to get things from). Guy. I'm sick of it too.

I wish I could be as evil and cold as possible :)

 

[Throwawayacc3]

People pleasing is really hard to break. It usually stems from childhood trauma (lonely, no validation).

The best thing is not even charge - just don't even deal with people. Unless they are rich and dumb fucks and you can charge whatever figure and have some sort of life. If not….. well then it's just pointless. Sit down do some art, play a game, anything is better than dealing with people.

Don't open up - it breaks the status quo for normies so you can't be part of their "world" now.

 

[untothedepths]

I'm not sure if I would be quick to call you narcissistic. A narcissist, at least what I've read, have hallmarks making situations and everything about them. Your situation sounds like you are around opportunistic people who you need to just gut out of your life. I can't believe I say this so much, but I've been there. (I'm not old but I say this a lot...ugh.) Those people do not give a shit, most likely, and it is blatant what they are doing. On the off chance they could have social anxieties, ect. I think you would see that they would still spend time with you and would still try to hear you vent if you need be, or at least say kindly/gently not be able to take a vent. People who care still show it in some way.

 

[struggles_inc]

Unless they are rich and dumb fucks

I have some rich and dumb fucks I mess with. God, that's something to live for. Unironically.

Don't open up - it breaks the status quo for normies so you can't be part of their "world" now.

A funny thing happened when I stopped opening up. There is that one guy who tries to be like me and copies some of my behaviour. That's so uncomfortable and I cringe all the time. I find it so stupid, because that person just doesn't understand me being depressed or anything :) I'm a fucking façade to him.

Your situation sounds like you are around opportunistic people who you need to just gut out of your life

Frankly, I'm considering just using them and dumping them myself.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I'm not sure if I would be quick to call you narcissistic. A narcissist, at least what I've read, have hallmarks making situations and everything about them. Your situation sounds like you are around opportunistic people who you need to just gut out of your life. I can't believe I say this so much, but I've been there. (I'm not old but I say this a lot...ugh.) Those people do not give a shit, most likely, and it is blatant what they are doing. On the off chance they could have social anxieties, ect. I think you would see that they would still spend time with you and would still try to hear you vent if you need be, or at least say kindly/gently not be able to take a vent. People who care still show it in some way.

It's childhood trauma most likely. There is a study comparing autism and narcissism (as normal people seem to think they both operate as the same). E.g an autistic person may really want to share a subject they are so invested in but to the other person they may see this as narcissistic as they are talking about me me me (but it's not the case).

 

[struggles_inc]

study comparing autism to narcissism

I've been called a narcissist many times. Maybe I am lol idk. I don't care anymore. Every day I get more and more misanthropic.
The hate is overwhelming.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I have some rich and dumb fucks I mess with. God, that's something to live for. Unironically.

A funny thing happened when I stopped opening up. There is that one guy who tries to be like me and copies some of my behaviour. That's so uncomfortable and I cringe all the time. I find it so stupid, because that person just doesn't understand me being depressed or anything :) I'm a fucking façade to him.

Frankly, I'm considering just using them and dumping them myself.

Just do it for the resources if you can (if it has longevity).

That might be masking. Maybe don't take it as personal because I've done that in the past - almost like a reflect to relate to the other person/party. I wouldn't know if you were depressed.
I mean you have to know this person - I'm just going off what my experience is so you can compare.

 

[untothedepths]

It's childhood trauma most likely. There is a study comparing autism and narcissism (as normal people seem to think they both operate as the same). E.g an autistic person may really want to share a subject they are so invested in but to the other person they may see this as narcissistic as they are talking about me me me (but it's not the case).

I can definitely see that. Although my interests are a little more broad now, there is a chance I might not relate to other topics people have interest in as much, and I don't like to give input about what I don't know.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I can definitely see that. Although my interests are a little more broad now, there is a chance I might not relate to other topics people have interest in as much, and I don't like to give input about what I don't know.

That's what I mean. It means we struggle with small talk because if you have even a small bit of knowledge on something what's the discussion about? A narcissist may pivot the subject back to something that involves them again to keep the attention going.

I've not been able to do this in the wild lol. I've only read about it in studies and papers. It's pretty difficult out in the "real world"

 

[untothedepths]

That's what I mean. It means we struggle with small talk because if you have even a small bit of knowledge on something what's the discussion about? A narcissist may pivot the subject back to something that involves them again to keep the attention going.

I've not been able to do this in the wild lol. I've only read about it in studies and papers. It's pretty difficult out in the "real world"

Felt and seen. Small talk is awkward with me. I don't even know what to even talk about without thinking I look creepy/weird trying to come up with something I just stay silent.

You know, now that you point that out, a narcissist may also compete with others in a conversation constantly and shut down conversations that may "go against" what they believe. Could be wrong but those are some signs I've seen too about people who were extremely self centered.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

It's just really really difficult. So you can say person X is narcissistic however if you start adding in traits e.g: sociopath, psychopath, etc. it becomes also impossible to determine.

What I've done is that I tend to say thing that are really blunt or may be rude (even with backed data) but to the masses this doesn't go down well. So now it's just avoid everyone because the majority of the population are neurotypical and have a mindset of don't rock the boat (even though the data may be solid).
I think I've read more about bird psychology in the last year than human stuff (aside from the autism subject).

 

[struggles_inc]

You know what. I might have not been a narcissist, but I'll become one.
My compassion must be earned, my affection must be achieved. Corruptio optimi pessima. Done being good.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

You know what. I might have not been a narcissist, but I'll become one.
My compassion must be earned, my affection must be achieved. Corruptio optimi pessima. Done being good.

That's not narcissism at all. You want things now because of how badly you've been treated in the past.
If I was you have a look at some threads and you'll find someone who has a similar past and just talk with them. The amount of people I can talk freely to on here and have experienced something very similar to me is crazy compared to people out in the "real world". It just makes things a tiny bit less lonely.

 

[Mi Mi]

I feel stupid for trying to talk to people. To open up. It's like talking to fucking furniture. Even less effective, because at least you expect a chair to fucking say nothing.

I feel like I'm surrounded by fucking idiots in real life. I'm sorry it sounds so narcissistic, BUT I CANNOT ANYMORE OK?

Every time I talk about something important to me, I just feel a dead stupid stare of someone I speak with. Like a person in front of me is not far from drooling. They never listen. They are NEVER compassionate. THEY ONLY LISTEN WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

I tried. So. Many. Times. Tried and failed. Guess I'm a fucking alien, a ghost. I speak some unknown language.
Only SaSu users get me. Here is the ONLY place I ever got truly supported. Apart from "oOh dOn'T kIlL yOuRsElf" type shit I got when I had the RAW STUPIDITY to confess about how I feel.

I am done. I AM DONE.
Today was the last straw. People around me benefit from me tremendously. From this day forward, I will charge them for it.
No more free shit from me.

I've learned over the years be quiet.
They don't understand so no point in trying to explain.
They don't listen to hear they listen to rebuttal.
It's hard having no outlet you can touch but sometimes it's like that.