Venting I just want a hug.

[maxoffline]

Everyone in my life is so angry at me, really. All the damn time I'm always doing something wrong or whatever. Everyone orders me around and I listen, I don't wanna become a doctor but here I am in uni. I'm so tired. I do everything that everyone asks and I shut up but someone always finds a way to tell me I'm a failure- directly or indirectly. I'm so terrible at socializing that even just having someone reply to a post I make genuinely makes me feel good, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I was on the phone with my mother today and she was venting about how everyone around her is committing suicide. She said "I have a daughter on the brink of it-" and I cut her off and corrected her saying "No, you have a son. And I'm not suicidal." She told me to fuck off and hung up the phone.

I shouldn't have done that probably. I really should've just let her call me whatever she wanted and dealt with it later. I've been out for almost 7 years and she still can't wrap her head around my gender. I'm not even all in everyone's face about it neither- I got my surgery, tale my hormones, and I introduce myself in person as just "Max" I'm not a "pronoun warrior" as she would say.

I'm just trying so hard. Maybe its time to become religious? Go to church and see if "giving my life to Jesus" works? I never really believed in God, my parents never did either but still sent me to catholic schools because publics in my area were shit. I think having all this god shit hammered into my brain so young fucked me up- now I can't tell what I confidently believe in.

Thanks for reading. Remember, you're worthy of love and you're worthy of redemption from anything youve done.

 

[unabletocope]

Can't hug you but I'll give you a high five

 

[TheGoodGuy]

even just having someone reply to a post I make genuinely makes me feel good

I relate to this because when you don´t get much social interaction elsewhere it feels "good" to have someone acknowledge you especially if you spent a lot of time writing a thread. It´s kinda like The Sims games where you have a friend bar and when someone replies to your post it goes a little up.

 

[billie]

 

[maxoffline]

I relate to this because when you don´t get much social interaction elsewhere it feels "good" to have someone acknowledge you especially if you spent a lot of time writing a thread. It´s kinda like The Sims games where you have a friend bar and when someone replies to your post it goes a little up.

This made me nostalgic aww, I remember the days of playing sims on the family computer and making a family with whatever fictional character was my crush at that point lol

 

[Jiyuurakka]

I'm in a similar position as well (not medicine, but another path not of my own choosing). I've been contemplating a lot around this issue lately, it seems that no matter what I do, the people around me aren't satisfied with the results and want me to obey them with absolute precision. Even if I do my best to listen and do exactly what they say, they start nitpicking, comparing, talking about what I could have done to be better, and deny my autonomy. Speaking up about it does the exact opposite and only further worsens the issue. It also doesn't help that there is no way to have an open discussion about what I want to do because my worldview and beliefs are so extremely foreign to my immediate family and peer group that if I dare to speak up, I'd immediately be an outcast. Time and time again I've been called so many horrible things that I've gotten extremely silent purely out of damning fright.

Yet people around me ask why I'm so silent a lot of the times, especially people of my age. It can get quite alienating, you start to look at people with authoritative speech as somewhat of a God. I have very strong views on the type people I make friends with and I never bother with people who are loud mouthed, rude, imposing, and above all narcissistic. That has led to filtering out a majority of people whom I'm supposed to interact with daily, and I just make a front to put up with them.

Honestly, being repressed for a very long time can make you extremely empathetic and kind to people who you interact with because you know how it feels like to get trampled all over by louder voices. Being self aware of that aspect has made me to be a lot more kinder and compassionate to myself as well, you become sort of a hardened jewel overtime. I've realised a great many things and became better over the years. Although the 'problems' (people) haven't disappeared, my mind is at peace.

I'm also pointing my finger right back at you OP, and I'm sending hugs. Treat yourself with the greatest love as well, only we know that we are the most genuine people in the world.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

This made me nostalgic aww, I remember the days of playing sims on the family computer and making a family with whatever fictional character was my crush at that point lol

Yeah I love The Sims I used to play it a lot too and kinda living through the character getting enjoyment out of the actions my Sim would make such as romantic relationships. The Sims is also just so chill and cozy to play my favorite is Sims 2 I really should install it and play it again I still have the CD´s of the basegame and The Business DLC

 

[UnwindingStar]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You sound sweet, a people pleaser and unfortunately your type of person gets pushed down a lot. I'm struggling with some of the same issues.

I don't think you're in the wrong for correcting your mother on your gender, either. It's unfortunate that it's still not a good time where everyone accepts a person's evolved gender, probably because the discussion is still very new to everyone.

Finding a new church could help you if you find the right one, but don't box yourself into just one religion, there's so many you can open your mind to. Don't even need to commit to it either, just learn the principles that will work well for your life and wellbeing. I hope you find some peace.

Sending you some virtual bear hugs because you seriously need some and of course you've asked for one.

 

[golta]

Well, I hope It helps:
ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

How can you not be good at socializing? You made me laugh in only one post. I believe people are losing the amazing person you are and they're fools not to see it. I'm sorry about everything and especially sorry about your mom not respecting you.
Hope you're ok!!