Venting I'm tired of surviving

[NeoN0va]

The past 10 months were the worst moments in my life. I've been actively suicidal from september to january 2025, not to mention that my life was shitty way before that. Ive had SN, antiemetics, but i threw everything away in february because i thought i've been getting "better". In march i found myself a new friend, i lost contact with most of my friends in the meantime, so she's my closest friend and the only person i really text with. Our friendship grew and got better pretty quickly, she knew from the beginning that my mental health wasn't really too good, but it was going in the right direction. Until I showed her my diary, and she showed her mine. She used to cut herself, as well as got manipulated, abused and betrayed by a lot of her friends back in her teen years. She used to self harm all the way until 2023. I realised that reading her diary wasn't the best thing for me, as i got back to overthinking and being oversupportive, to the point where i tried helping her even when nothing was happening. I also realised that my mental health had been gokng in the wrong direction once again; I have that i treat like my own sister, but it got tiring. overthinking and all of that started to exhaust me, because it would often bring back my memories from the past that i tried leaving behind. i became too dependent on her. i cant live a day without texting her, so when she told me that listening to all of my problems, including me being currently suicidal again and started selfharming was too tiring for her, i broke up into tears, because she said that she's worried that if i dont stop depending on her, our friendship will finally break apart due to her being too exhausted. she specified it as "needing to recharge her social and mental battery". it broke me even more when she told me that our friendship will never be the same as before. she doesnt want to visit me, or me to visit her. she barely even wants to speak to me. i feel horrible for changing her, because she used to have barely anyone to speak with, text with, hangout with, but now shes too tired to do it anymore ONLY because i opened up too much. because i tried putting all of my weight on her. i feel terrible. i promised her a month ago that i'll try to survive all the way to her birthday, which is in the middle of september, but i dont know if i will be able to. i bought sn again. i lied to her that i threw it away. i keep it in a safe place, in case i get overwhelmed. im really tired, so if it will happen, it will be at the most random moment. i broke a friendship again. its all my fault. i always am the one to break friendships, even when im the one trying so hard to keep the friendship together. i failed again. again and again and again. im. so sorrh for changing her. i should just die at this point. it was better for her without me. i always wonder if she will even miss me when im gone. if sje will remember me and for how long. goodmight.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Surviving is a curse

 

[NeoN0va]

Surviving is a curse

it really is a curse

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Its not your fault u are like that if she cant handle you thats on her. Even your oversupport doesnt really mean that she has to break contact there are better ways of communicating your feelings that people just dont know because they live in a fantasy where hardships dont happend and every relationship no matter if romantic or not happends to be perfect with everything resolving on its own. U didnt break the relationship maybe your actions pushed her for breaking contact but its not your fault that u reacted that way and that she wasnt able to communicate the her feelings. There is a person who will stay and tell you honestly what they feel and stuff like that but she just wasnt the one. Good luck and much love

 

[as i am as am i]

The past 10 months were the worst moments in my life. I've been actively suicidal from september to january 2025, not to mention that my life was shitty way before that. Ive had SN, antiemetics, but i threw everything away in february because i thought i've been getting "better". In march i found myself a new friend, i lost contact with most of my friends in the meantime, so she's my closest friend and the only person i really text with. Our friendship grew and got better pretty quickly, she knew from the beginning that my mental health wasn't really too good, but it was going in the right direction. Until I showed her my diary, and she showed her mine. She used to cut herself, as well as got manipulated, abused and betrayed by a lot of her friends back in her teen years. She used to self harm all the way until 2023. I realised that reading her diary wasn't the best thing for me, as i got back to overthinking and being oversupportive, to the point where i tried helping her even when nothing was happening. I also realised that my mental health had been gokng in the wrong direction once again; I have that i treat like my own sister, but it got tiring. overthinking and all of that started to exhaust me, because it would often bring back my memories from the past that i tried leaving behind. i became too dependent on her. i cant live a day without texting her, so when she told me that listening to all of my problems, including me being currently suicidal again and started selfharming was too tiring for her, i broke up into tears, because she said that she's worried that if i dont stop depending on her, our friendship will finally break apart due to her being too exhausted. she specified it as "needing to recharge her social and mental battery". it broke me even more when she told me that our friendship will never be the same as before. she doesnt want to visit me, or me to visit her. she barely even wants to speak to me. i feel horrible for changing her, because she used to have barely anyone to speak with, text with, hangout with, but now shes too tired to do it anymore ONLY because i opened up too much. because i tried putting all of my weight on her. i feel terrible. i promised her a month ago that i'll try to survive all the way to her birthday, which is in the middle of september, but i dont know if i will be able to. i bought sn again. i lied to her that i threw it away. i keep it in a safe place, in case i get overwhelmed. im really tired, so if it will happen, it will be at the most random moment. i broke a friendship again. its all my fault. i always am the one to break friendships, even when im the one trying so hard to keep the friendship together. i failed again. again and again and again. im. so sorrh for changing her. i should just die at this point. it was better for her without me. i always wonder if she will even miss me when im gone. if sje will remember me and for how long. goodmight.

Every day is survival for people like us. People dont understand that our depression and mental illness is all survival and we are constantly in fight or flight. Theres never a moment of relaxation, i feel you

 

[annxietty]

What you say is very unfortunate, it really is surviving for us, and not many people understand.

While I understand your point, I understand hers and I can see you understand her as well, but I think you are hating yourself too much for it... broken people attract each other and while it works for some time its bound to break... this is said by a stranger on the internet that knows nothing about you or her, your feelings are valid, and whatever you choose to do, living or dying, I wish you peace, please believe me, I really do.

I wish I had an answer, like I wish people had answers for me, but there is no answer.

Sending hugs.