Venting Why i need to die

[touyathecat]

I'm not here in this forum because i exactly want to die, but because i need to. I've tried to CTB many many times in my life as a result and all of them failed in some way. some of them are last second fear, others are just not doing it correctly and i'm tired of this. These attempts have had such a horrible negative impact on the people around me, both irl and online. I understand this impact that i have, and that's why i can't stand to live. I've hurt so many people, i've lashed out at others (through text but that doesn't change things) and it caused one person i cared deeply for to be hospitalized. They're okay now, but i'll never be the same. I originally wanted to die because of my mental health, and now i want to die because of its affects on others. i've become a horrible person, and my friends can't see that. They all think i changed and i thought so as well, so i accepted people into my life again. but the rot is eating away at me once again and i'm ready to die. the guilt is too much to bear, no matter what everyone says it will never truly go away. i don't deserve to let it go away either way, i hate myself and the fact that i live. it's clear i wasn't supposed to be born, and im going to fix that mistake this time. This time, im not going to tell anyone i know online. I should've never made that mistake in the first place and i understand that now. I know it'll hurt for the irls but i know one day they might understand, or at least be okay.

 

[Daryl72]

I'm not here in this forum because i exactly want to die, but because i need to. I've tried to CTB many many times in my life as a result and all of them failed in some way. some of them are last second fear, others are just not doing it correctly and i'm tired of this. These attempts have had such a horrible negative impact on the people around me, both irl and online. I understand this impact that i have, and that's why i can't stand to live. I've hurt so many people, i've lashed out at others (through text but that doesn't change things) and it caused one person i cared deeply for to be hospitalized. They're okay now, but i'll never be the same. I originally wanted to die because of my mental health, and now i want to die because of its affects on others. i've become a horrible person, and my friends can't see that. They all think i changed and i thought so as well, so i accepted people into my life again. but the rot is eating away at me once again and i'm ready to die. the guilt is too much to bear, no matter what everyone says it will never truly go away. i don't deserve to let it go away either way, i hate myself and the fact that i live. it's clear i wasn't supposed to be born, and im going to fix that mistake this time. This time, im not going to tell anyone online. I should've never made that mistake in the first place and i understand that now. I know it'll hurt for the irls but i know one day they might understand, or at least be okay.

I understand your hurt and can relate. We all think we alone, just as I have but seeing all the pain that is shared on here the past few months, I know now that many of us truly in pain and need to talk or just vent.