Why does obtaining the means for CTB make you calm?

[9BBN]

@t-rex I wasn't offended, so I apologize if that's how you read me. And I appreciate you looking out for me. I'm just a very direct person. I was just responding to one of your beliefs about impulsivity that has consequences on beliefs about suicide. You certainly don't have to lay out your argument if you don't want to. I only meant to say that I can respond to you if you do. It's also in my interest to know if there's something I haven't considered. I'm not interested in arguing either, I just want to understand why people believe what they believe.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I want to add that a lot of the reason people see suicide as undignified, dishonorable, and ghastly is because it is usually a gruesome death purely as a result of the methods most commonly used (jumping, hanging, firearm). If peaceful methods such as N were more accessible I believe it would completely transform society's views on suicide. Most people also have an extreme fear and aversion to the subject of death with also is a factor. I still don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly though. I also relate to not wanting to be found decomposed, I've thought about this a lot, that's why I'll do it in a hotel room and blast the AC right before as a sort of makeshift refrigeration.

 

[t-rex]

@9BBN No worries, I'm sorry I misread you. I just had some weed so that's probably skewing my perception.

The more I think about it, it doesn't make so much sense to consider whether a person is or is not generally an impulsive person. Because it seems to me that someone who is not normally impulsive could easily become impulsive about a specific subject (e.g. suicide) under the right (horrible) conditions. After all, aren't people with bipolar more impulsive during their manic episodes? That doesn't mean they're generally impulsive people. It just means that some chemical switch gets thrown in their brain, and bam, they're now in an impulsive mode.

I think I wasn't in the mindset of the PPeH before because, not only had I not read any of it, but the PPeH claims to be written for the elderly and terminally ill, who are subject to becoming incapacitated at any time and so derive a lot of peace from having their means available at any time. It seems to me that a lot on this forum are more like myself: not elderly, suffering psychiatric illness, i.e. people that may be recoverable and who haven't firmly decided they will want to CTB some day. Certainly I know there are terminally ill on this forum, and my heart goes out to them truly. But a lot are younger folks with psychiatric conditions. People who are prone to waffling back and forth endlessly on whether or not they should CTB. (i.e. who do not have the quiet resolve to CTB that some elderly folks have.)

I think @greyhound nailed it. Does CTB seem absolutely inevitable for you? Then possessing means will probably give you peace. If you are undecided, it may not.

My initial perspective in creating this thread was strictly of the "I'm an undecided young person with depression and maybe I'll recover" variety. Reading the PPeH and talking to you, @9BBN, and the others, has expanded my perspective. Successful thread!

 

[myopybyproxy]

Yes, just as obtaining means to self harm or alter my state of consciousness instills a sense of tranquility in me. The reasons are varied and many. I don't feel like listing them all at the moment - may edit later.

Death insurance, if you will.

 

[Ta555]

It doesn't for me. I got the SN and don't feel calm at all. I also have a rope. I don't feel calm because I'm afraid of suffering while dying. Even with the meds (I have everything but propranolol) I don't think SN is peaceful. I'm also afraid of failing. I would only feel calm if I had N but I don't think that will ever happen.

 

[lacuna]

It's comforting to me to have a way out if things get really bad again. Just knowing I have something that can prevent me from feeling those things again helps more than most people can understand.

 

[Teardrop2021]

Death is rarely dignified or peaceful anyway. Of course everyone would like to die in their sleep but very few get to. So I tell myself that even though there will be some fear and discomfort even with the best method (N, which I have secured), there would be for any type of death. I do fear having to do it (if I do, I hope I don't have to), but many ppl are afraid approaching their deaths by natural causes too. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better.

 

[Lost Magic]

When a person loses all hope and meaning ctb is a good option. I have been lucky enough to acquire SN and N. Both times when I received the packages I felt free. As time went by a little I felt bittersweet feelings. Yes, I have access to more peaceful methods but this shit world is all I know. To be honest these feelings are probably just the survival instinct parts of my brain trying to trick me but there is no turning back. N has given me the means to an end but it is by no means easy to let go, even when there is no hope of recovery.

 

[enough of this]

I really really wish I had an effective painless ctb option right now. Make my life a lot calmer knowing that if things get too bad I can always escape. I suppose I would have anxiety once I start planning when and where I'll do it. If I will write a note. Also the thought of someone finding me. But to be honest I would much rather have those worries then be without a means of escape as I am right now. Its really scary sometimes when my mental health deteriorates beyond control and I know I would have to endure it no matter what. I would like to just rest one day. Preferably forever.

The operative word for me, is "painless." I've had enough pain to last me 1000 lifetimes.

It calms me to entertain thoughts of CTB. Not only would it get me out of this insane asylum, but I have the belief, from the thousands of near-death experience accounts I've listened to, that my consciousness will survive my physical body. Every NDE account I listen to, includes their saying there's no way to describe the bliss and joy of transcending to "the other side." I am so looking forward to making my transition. Just knowing how it's going to be for me when I die, makes the thought of CTB very comforting. I just don't know how much longer I can wait.

 

[MrDarkness]

I've seen a lot of folks saying this lately: that once they obtained their means for ctb (SN or otherwise), they feel calm, or better somehow. Why is this the case for you, personally?

Sorry if this has an obvious answer. It sorta makes sense that after enduring so much pain, knowing you are that much closer to release is a comforting feeling. But for a lot of people I would think it would cause anxiety and uncertainty as well.

I ordered some means online a few weeks ago, and while I felt good while shopping for it, I didn't feel better when it arrived. Then I returned it, so I have no means in my possession right now. Does this just mean I'm at an earlier stage in SI, i.e. not very serious about it yet? It's true that I am still hanging onto some hope.

Mostly I'm just curious, as this calming effect seems to be a very common response. Please help me understand.

When I get my sn it's going to bring me peace due to knowning I have a way out, but it will also remind me that I'm alive and people care about me

 

[theRetroHawk]

I've seen a lot of folks saying this lately: that once they obtained their means for ctb (SN or otherwise), they feel calm, or better somehow. Why is this the case for you, personally?

Sorry if this has an obvious answer. It sorta makes sense that after enduring so much pain, knowing you are that much closer to release is a comforting feeling. But for a lot of people I would think it would cause anxiety and uncertainty as well.

I ordered some means online a few weeks ago, and while I felt good while shopping for it, I didn't feel better when it arrived. Then I returned it, so I have no means in my possession right now. Does this just mean I'm at an earlier stage in SI, i.e. not very serious about it yet? It's true that I am still hanging onto some hope.

Mostly I'm just curious, as this calming effect seems to be a very common response. Please help me understand.

I think it might be about finally being in control, it seems like a lot of people here have had terrible lives and all have valid reasons as to why the want to ctb and to finally have the feeling of control over something for once may be a big part. I think you are right too in the thought of finally being closer to death enough to have the means is a big thing as well as the fact that yeah maybe the SI is too strong for you rn.