What are your 13 reasons why?

[idontwantthisplease]

This sounds cliche but I have to state my 13 reasons. It doesn't have to be exactly 13 so feel free to list however many reasons there are for why you have to ctb.



1. I'm neurodivergent and possibly audhd, and I've been fantasizing with suicide for around a decade. I probably have depression as well but I've never been properly assessed.


2. I suck at socializing and have a hard time understanding social cues. I struggle to make friends online too, sometimes I'll try talking to someone and they'll just leave me on seen. I'm not the type to make the first move so I usually wait for them to approach or message me first. I even tried to respond first but it just drains my social battery.


3. I've lost a lot of hope as a digital artist because of generative AI and how competitive the art commission market has become. I don't get much exposure because of algorithms, which makes me underrated and underappreciated despite having the skills.


4. I'm broke and my family was already struggling financially when they had me. They have an expectation for me to eventually become their future piggy bank. They've also pressured me to meet unrealistic expectations like being a top student or becoming a social butterfly without really acknowledging how difficult those things are for me as an autistic and introverted person.


5. My family doesn't acknowledge my autism and tends to dismiss me whenever I talk about it, I mean they're kinda in denial so yeah. That makes me feel like I have to deal with everything by myself instead of being understood or supported.


6. I have zero friends online and irl, I'm a loner because of how socially awkward and autistic I am, I never fit in to their standards due to my neurodivergence.


7. I get no psychiatric help. My family sees going to a psychiatrist as something shameful and they have a mindset that reading a bible fixes my suicidal thoughts. I also don't have the funds to seek professional help on my own.


8. My parents made me drop out after I failed a single accounting subject in my marketing course. I actually wanted to pursue something related to digital art such as multimedia arts, but I couldn't afford it because of our financial situation.


9. It's expected that I'm being left responsible to take care of my parents someday because I'm the youngest of four siblings. I already struggle a lot to take care of myself, if it does happen then it leaves me with no time to pursue my own dreams.


10. The things I enjoy are temporary. Games like Roblox and Minecraft won't last forever, and the fandoms and communities I'm part of will eventually become inactive. Sometimes that makes me wonder what I'll have left to look forward to aside from doing digital art.


11. I have no future in this society designed for neurotypical people. I'm mentally arrested and falling behind in life. My peers are moving forward while I'm stuck in the same place.


12. Some of the worst things I've experienced keep replaying in my head. My memories of being bullied, ignored, manipulated, and hurt feel permanently imprinted in my mind and it's been going for years until now.


13. The sources I need to ctb are accessible, the stuff I need can be easily bought online, it may be scarce but it's not impossible, if it'll take too long to get shipped then I'll just wait until I can get the stuff I need to successfully ctb.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

1. Probably my main reason that I have right now is my health problems, so I decided to put it at the top of the list. My teeth are bad and my sinuses drain down my throat and I gag on it, disgusting to share I know, but it is a problem that I have.

2. I hate working. Every job I've ever had has just been wage slavery and I only do it so I can afford my addictions and hobbies that I have.

3. I was raised by emotionally abusive parents and the trauma that I experienced growing up stays with me no matter what I do. Even though I've had to forgive my parents for a lot of things, there are some things I can't ever let go of.

4. Another big reason why I want to die is I was in a relationship a few years ago with my ex who was already trapped in an abusive relationship that I tried to help her get out of. In the process of trying to help and be a good friend for her, I ended up loving her far more deeply than I should've and we developed a bond that was far stronger than just being friends. When we broke up, and I had to give up on trying to help her, it nearly killed me many times over back in 2023-2024.

5. I too am neurodivergent like you are, but haven't actually gotten a confirmed diagnosis. I strongly suspect that I have autism and ADHD together and I struggled with socializing for a huge part of my early life even though I did get better at that over time. Despite this, I still struggle with some things that are so easy and natural for other people and I am severely introverted and probably always will be.

6. In my early years, I was heavily brainwashed into Christianity until I realized what BS it actually was. Regardless of whether God exists or not, I find the Bible to be a disgusting, worthless piece of trash. It's filled with God-sanctioned slavery, misogyny, and torture. My days of being taken to church by my grandparents only traumatized me, rather than providing me with hope for a future or an afterlife worth having. I do personally believe that God exists, but I absolutely hate the fucker with the deepest hatred, not just for my own suffering, but for the suffering of others.

7. I hate the world I live in because it's a worthless hellhole where so many people and animals suffer for no good reason. Wild animals eat each other alive and people torture farmed animals in factory farms and slaughterhouses and I find it absolutely evil and disgusting. Some days I just want the whole world to be destroyed, but I realize that is unlikely to ever happen in my lifetime, so leaving it behind is the best I've got.

8. I hate that we live in an anti-choice society when it comes to people making the decision for themselves whether they want to live or die. Suicide prevention is shoved down our throats everywhere and to me it is nothing but Forced Life slavery. Euthanasia should be fully legalized everywhere for everyone who wants it for any reason, as long as they are legal adults, but it isn't. It's just another reason why I will have to end my own life myself.

9. I just don't want to experience old age. I don't see why I should have to when I was literally brought into this world kicking and screaming in the first place.

10. I know that ending my life will prevent future suffering from happening to me. The way life is, even if you solve one problem, you always get hit by another one, and then another, and another. Some problems can be so severe that they make you want to die just from having ONE of them, but to have several piled on top of you, only for new ones to keep coming, WTF?

11. Money problems. Not only am I poor, but I was also sued by a bank I used to go to over a stupid loan and for having my checking balance go into the negative when I was struggling. Those greedy motherfuckers kicked me while I was down and I will never forgive them. Sometimes I want to walk into that bank and commit suicide right in front of them just to show them how they affected me.

12. Even if I was totally healthy still, I would still want to die because I am disgusted by the human body and the the inner workings of it. It's really just a nasty prison cell for my consciousness and I want to be free of it.

13. I hate that our world is run by greedy, evil, pedo elites who use the common people as their slaves and most people don't care enough to do anything about it. People should be revolting everywhere in the world against the rich and powerful, but they aren't. Everywhere people should be refusing to pay taxes or go to work until the corrupt politicians get dragged through the streets and beheaded with a guillotine, but yet everyone is just expected to go along with the system and most people do? It's hopeless.

 

[Preh1storic_Rib]

1. I was born in such a place of privilege, my parents sacrificed so much to be sure I had the best chance I could at being myself. And I should use that privilege to help others, I feel morally obligated to considering how fucked the world is. But I can't, for any number of excuses. And if I can't be decent, then I should die.

2. I've just wanted to for as long as I can remember. I never got much joy in the idea of having a life to live.