Why do you want to kill yourself?

[peruguy23]

For various reasons I don't have a job, I have physical pain, I always have difficulties interacting with others and I have Autism (Asperger's)

 

[TakeMeToHeaven]

mental illnesses like autism and schizophrenia

 

[Nolvalis94]

A dark and hopeless void at my center, long bouts of anhedonia, and a hatred of anything average despite being surrounded by it.

 

[needthebus]

A dark and hopeless void at my center, long bouts of anhedonia, and a hatred of anything average despite being surrounded by it.

There were some aphorists who wrote short bleak observations as philosophy. Sometimes they made me feel better when Neitzche was too obtuse

 

[SonicFan1994]

Brain injury, treatment resistant depression, and ptsd. Pain is subjective

Hey I also have a brain injury from street drugs, What caused yours? im just curious

 

[chopsueylol]

I wanna know your stories to what led you to come to a permanent solution. + I wanna see if it compares to my reason to ctb

It's a mix of many things, honestly. Since I was a child, I was bullied or excluded by others, so I ended up focusing more on my studies. But after some events, the only thing I was proud of (my grades) went down the drain. I missed the most important years of school and I was never able to maintain a truly lasting relationship, the last one I lost was precisely because of my crises. I think that's the "main reason", but there are many other things that snowballed and made me feel this way.

 

[losingsteam3141]

I am in grad school with a lot of debt and I am in a situation where rumors about me have spread and I could potentially be suspended or punished, and either would mean I have no chance at a career and my life would be over. The paranoia, anxiety, and knowing so many people hate me is causing me to struggle in my classes.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

The main reason is the state of the world, honestly. There are so many damn crises that are threatening the very stability of our civilization- crises that, individually, the world leaders would have had a hell of a time trying to fix, but are now only cascading on each other. The world keeps getting worse, and every attempt to improve things- or even stopping things where they are- just gets unraveled by human greed and anger. The most I have to look forward to at this point is an ever-bleaker future. A future where I'll almost certainly be violently killed anyway. So why stick around?

 

[losingsteam3141]

Can you take a semester off and then transfer and make up a reason for the transfer later?

Unfortunately transferring is basically impossible in my field. I cant take a semester off, I would need to take the whole year off, and I dont see it helping my situation as I am still around the same administration and students.

 

[legoshi]

I hate myself. I have this voice in my head that hates me everything I do is wrong, it constantly belittles me and beats me down. I'm sad all the time, lonely, I dislike everything about myself, and I just don't feel connected to this world or anyone in it. I have a hard time interacting with people which has resulted in me being isolated. I feel like I already don't exist in this world, so why not just not exist anymore.

 

[divinemistress36]

Hey I also have a brain injury from street drugs, What caused yours? im just curious

Hey I also have a brain injury from street drugs, What caused yours? im just curious

I'm sorry brain injurys suck! Stroke from an assault and electroshock therapy

 

[EternalHappiness]

PSSD, cognitive decline, chronified depression, neurological damage. Anything that could go wrong with psymeds in fact went wrong.

Same here. PSSD for 6 years.

 

[Reflection]

I would best describe it as longing and jealousy

 

[zxcvb]

Because everyone hates me and its affecting my whole life.. I'd be better off dead

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Because I need everything to stop, I want peace.

 

[brokeandbroken]

While in medical school I was the victim of crimes by the medical school I attended resulting in me being illegally not being able to continue my studies despite the fact I was in good standing all around.

Everyone I knew abandoned me. I've received no help from anyone. To be clear it isn't people saying you are wrong nothing happened that would be help and has never happened. It's more okay or you were but I don't want to help you. I have an extreme amount of debt, lost everyone I've ever known including my family, I'm basically homeless, can't get a job let alone a decent job, lost the extraordinary amount of work/time/blood sweat tears i put in, and etc... Basically everything that gives your life meaning family, career, etc... Has been taken from me. There's no future and nothing to live for. CTBing is something as a last resort and just an escape from a shitty tortuous life. One I wasn't the architect of but one where others criminal actions created for me and one everyone else elected to leave for me. No help for someone who spent his life helping himself.

Here's the story for those curious -> proof of claims is in comments:

Reddit - Dive into anything

www.reddit.com

 

[MentalFuneral]

Nobody gives a fuck about me, Ive never been able to make friends or relationships, and I hate working and don't want to spend the rest of my life slaving away at some stupid job that doesnt pay enough just to afford the privilege of existing

 

[avalonisburning]

The short of it is that I can't cope with all of the bad decisions I've made, and will continue to make, over my life.

I was an optimistic youth who assumed I could get through life as a recluse who never spoke to anyone or kept a consistent schedule and routine. Everything I've ever genuinely wanted out of life is dumb, unfulfilling, or improbable. I've squandered my dead father's life insurance money, the only advantage I had in life, on bullshit. I can barely handle myself in the real world, or make useful connections or even genuine friends. I try to act mature, but the cracks are starting to form in the facade as I run out of excuses for why I haven't done something with my life. I don't want to be a NEET mooching off someone else for my entire life, but the idea of selling so much of my life away sounds horrible. But what's most humiliating to me is knowing that I'm the only one responsible for the many-layered wrong lasagna that is my life, because I fundamentally don't want to bear up, change my mindset, or help myself. I'm a miserable narcissist with the mind of a six year old.

It just seems more humane and relatively less sad and disturbing to quietly take myself out when no one is looking in the near future, than subject myself and everyone in my vicinity to several decades of desperate, directionless flailing and attempts to recapture ephemeral moments of peace in my youth as I get older, fatter, and sadder, and disappoint the few people who actually thought I may have been something. Maybe if I die now, I can come up with a convincing lie in my note so they don't have to bear the burden of knowing just how pathetic I really was for the rest of their lives.

 

[coolgal82]

1. im a bad person and i deserve it and it'd be better for everyone around me
2. i will just never be happy. even if i solved all my other problems (which i cant/wont lmao) it still wouldnt change that i was born in this stupid fucking body. i will never even have a chance to be happy in this body.

 

[UselessBeing]

Sexsually abused throughout childhood, raped twice as an adult, best friend murdered, other best friend had sudden medical issue and passed, BPD, finical struggles,car accident that caused nerve damage,still living in mentally abusive household as I can't afford to get out, no one listens it's like I'm invisible.

Everything keeps adding up and piling on and it's like this year decided to be a constant shit storm every month that has passed. I'm exhausted.

 

[MBG]

Brain injury, treatment resistant depression, and ptsd. Pain is subjective

Magic mushrooms (psilocybin) have been shown effective against PTSD and treatment resistant depression. Legality depends upon your nation, state and even city.

Try everything before you throw everything away. But do your "due diligence" first.

 

[Me Me Me]

I destroyed my relationship and did irreparable damage to the love of my life. And the worst thing is that I have no way to rebuild a new and good relationship with her or repair all the damage I did.

 

[divinemistress36]

Magic mushrooms (psilocybin) have been shown effective against PTSD and treatment resistant depression. Legality depends upon your nation, state and even city.

Try everything before you throw everything away. But do your "due diligence" first.

Ive been microdosing them I dont want to do a macrodose without a trip sitter. Have you done them?

 

[MBG]

Ive been microdosing them I dont wwnt to do a macrodose without a trip sitter. Have you done them?

I edited my post to add 2 videos. Message me if you want to discuss further. Nite

 

[po1sentree]

I feel like there's nothing left to hold on to. Everything is so bleak, and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's because I hate who I am, or maybe it's the fact that I can't seem to fit in anywhere.

 

[MxTuesday]

Ptsd from ex who continues to control every aspect of my life and thoughts.
Not fitting in to the world.
Finding my body fundementally repulsive.

 

[shironeko]

Because I'm in pain.

I tried everything to regain control of my life.
But it's just like a joke. Whenever I tried, it would always have no benefit and my goal would never be achieved.

I've lost lots of things. My entire life is filled with bad memories. Now I am losing myself, layer by layer. I've lost my hope, the feeling of happiness, and the ability to love and be loved.

It now became a suffer for me to live. I can feel my pain, everyday, and it is not getting better.

 

[Henryk]

There is nothing or no one that I hate more than myself. Every day when I wake up I think about what I am doing here, why do I continue to suffer so much? In short, existing makes no sense to me.

 

[SonicFan1994]

Ive been microdosing them I dont want to do a macrodose without a trip sitter. Have you done them?

I have them them in large doses, They really make you think and can drastically change your perspective on life.

I have not done a large dose in years though because its gets a little anxiety inducing and "scary". The feeling of time stopping on you and every time you look at the clock its a different number can be alarming.

Best advice i could give is only get a trip sitter you have known your whole life, or close friend who isnt weird and judgemental. You may even have a better time alone doing it, You can go deeper when you are alone. And not around someone worrying/ thinking about them or how you look.

Your mind basically goes on over drive mode. 1000 thoughts in what feels like a minute, while time itself can also feel like its halted. Which is why many people say "time isnt real"
or "time is an illusion" because when your on higher dose it legit feels like that. Awareness increases, you become of aware of how everything has shaped, or affected you as a person.

I have some currently that i am afraid to do a large dose, because i have been through alot the past 5 or 10 years since I last done a large dose, I just know its going to make me remember and regret alot of things but when its over you normally feel great about it due to the new perspective you have coming out of the trip.
Keep in mind they only last 4-6 hours so its over somewhat fast, but like i said time is irrelevant on anything above 3 grams. One min can feel like an hour and vice versa, You have to basically surrender to the experience or it gets worst as you think "i dont like this" or "this is too much" or "i want it to stop", will only amplify things. So its important to not care so much while tripping ( dont worry about dying even if you feel like you are dying lol) hard to explain, you have to "let go"

I would recommend everyone here to try it before CTB EXCEPT people on big pharma medication like anti depressants or any other drug ( as these drugs can make it ineffective, or make the trip worst) . also dont mix it with weed (makes it too overwhelming and anxiety inducing)

Higher doses above 4.5 grams have been known to make people leave their body and astral travel to meet "god" or "alien beings/machine elves" Many people who have done super large doses believe these entities to be real and not figments of imagination. Even then they dont say its negative or bad thing, Just life altering/ One of the most profound things they have ever experienced. So be careful and use a scale.

Largest dose i have done was 4 grams, made me cry alot. Didnt leave body.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

iAfter a long and good life I want a good, self-determined death. I don´t want to experience the physical and mental degeneration due to old age. The end in a nursing home is my worst nightmare. My paraphilia - autassassinophilia - should be helpful, but I am still alive because I am afraid to miss something good and interesting.