Discussion What life would you want to live if ctb wasn't an option?

[maggineko]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

 

[Macedonian1987]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

I am one of the rare ones on this forum that actually loves life and loves to live, but I will ctb soon because my circumstances are very bad.
Here are the main circumstances that I want to ctb because of:

- I have asperger's
- I felt like I never belonged in this world , even from age 5-6 years old
- I never had any true friend, I couldn't fit in anywhere and with nobody
- I never had a true relationship from a woman (no love life), women avoided me like i had some infectious disease
- I have narcisistic, cold mother , not capable of human warmth or love. refused my hugs when i was in chronic pain flareups, her explanation for this rejection - i was too old to be hugging my mother.
- lost the only person who unconditionally loved me at the age of 10 - my loving grandmother.
- My father has : ocd, mysophonia, adhd, touretes, hyperverbalia and emotionally almost dead and unaware of someone else's suffering
- I have hypotonia, and joint problems that started at the age of 24 , getting quite bad until the age of 39 (thats my current age)
- I never held a job, nor had a driver's license.

If didn't had all of this, I would love to live at grow to be 100 years old.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[2709mg]

i would do social work or graphic design, meet my friends for brunch and picnics during the day, travel to every continent, learn to play the piano and actually be good at it, eat everything i like without caring about calories, all while making enough money so i don't have to ever worry about rent or bills again. i would live with my little sister and provide her with everything she deserves too.

but ngl i love your idea as well. ideally i would have all of that and also be a vampire

 

[alexd]

I wish I wouldnt be neurodivergent

 

[kipper]

I'd like to be someone's beloved pet cat.

 

[SuicidalCheese]

I would like to be an old man/woman, with grandkids, a library and a family. I literally cannot do any of that, but, what's hope without the little pang, knowing that it will never happen?

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I'd probably like to be someone who could actually function properly. Every day is a struggle.

 

[IfFairiesWereReal]

I'd like to be a little girl loved by everyone around her, basically go back to my childhood, and just not grow up, or if grow up than not end up like me..

 

[unluckysadness]

I'd like to have a functional body and a functional mind. But of course it's impossible to reset (maybe in the future but it will be too late for me).

I can relate to @Macedonian1987 because I have a lot of common points with him. There are so much things I'd like to experience but my brain is destroyed (like a computer software that doesn't work because of several virus). I had so many dreams (simple things like having a partner, being able to travel, living without constant fear, ...). Life treated me like shit and broke me. I hope that death will be kind and peaceful. I deserve it after 44 years of suffering.

 

[Aren]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

Live with my girlfriend and be able to find a country with all landscapes on earth, with kind people living here, away from the issues of the world. Passion work shared with my girlfriend who has the same. Be together in love, never get attacked by people and being sad because of people.
And i dream we can fly like birds to touch the clouds together like a Disney movie.
I could give all i have to live only one day in this World.

 

[maggineko]

I am one of the rare ones on this forum that actually loves life and loves to live, but I will ctb soon because my circumstances are very bad.
Here are the main circumstances that I want to ctb because of:

- I have asperger's
- I felt like I never belonged in this world , even from age 5-6 years old
- I never had any true friend, I couldn't fit in anywhere and with nobody
- I never had a true relationship from a woman (no love life), women avoided me like i had some infectious disease
- I have narcisistic, cold mother , not capable of human warmth or love. refused my hugs when i was in chronic pain flareups, her explanation for this rejection - i was too old to be hugging my mother.
- lost the only person who unconditionally loved me at the age of 10 - my loving grandmother.
- My father has : ocd, mysophonia, adhd, touretes, hyperverbalia and emotionally almost dead and unaware of someone else's suffering
- I have hypotonia, and joint problems that started at the age of 24 , getting quite bad until the age of 39 (thats my current age)
- I never held a job, nor had a driver's license.

If didn't had all of this, I would love to live at grow to be 100 years old.

Sorry for the long post.

Gosh, I'm so sorry! You've had such a hard and lonely life. Honestly, it goes to show how strong you are to have made it this far, I really commend you. You have a beautiful soul and I'm so sorry life was so harsh to you. Wishing you more sweetness in life and I hope things look up for you soon, and hope you'll be able to ctb peacefully and have a safe travel Growing to a 100 years old sounds magical and beautiful.

i would do social work or graphic design, meet my friends for brunch and picnics during the day, travel to every continent, learn to play the piano and actually be good at it, eat everything i like without caring about calories, all while making enough money so i don't have to ever worry about rent or bills again. i would live with my little sister and provide her with everything she deserves too.

but ngl i love your idea as well. ideally i would have all of that and also be a vampire

Your idea sounds amazing and so calming, and reminded me that I miss my piano. Hope you'll be able to achieve all of that in this life somehow someway. I don't think it's too impossible for your sweet dreams to come true. And hey, you're totally welcome to come and be a vampire with me if that were our reality!

I wish I wouldnt be neurodivergent

I sympathise. Life is already hard, and now even harder on those who are ND. Holding you dearly in my thoughts, and hope you find gentleness somewhere soon ♡

I'd like to be someone's beloved pet cat.

Ikr! I've always wanted too to be reborn as a pet cat. A seemingly easy life! Let's play together in a life where we are both cats ^_^

I would like to be an old man/woman, with grandkids, a library and a family. I literally cannot do any of that, but, what's hope without the little pang, knowing that it will never happen?

What a beautiful dream ♡ It sounds very warm. I don't want any children myself but I admire and have deep respect for those that do. I hope that dream isn't entirely impossible for you and that you can achieve it, but if not, I hope your current life becomes easier to bear with.

I'd probably like to be someone who could actually function properly. Every day is a struggle.

I get this. It's difficult to do even the smallest things, right? My deepest sympathies I hope you find a little more strength with each passing day

I'd like to be a little girl loved by everyone around her, basically go back to my childhood, and just not grow up, or if grow up than not end up like me..

So understandable. It seems adulthood hasn't been kind to either of us. Hoping for you to find peace and joy somewhere in this life, and on the bus if not ♡♡♡
I'm so sorry about what it is that happened to you. As for your dream, it tastes like a very heady nihilism. I admire it, and I think it's true what you said. The world is going to shit anyway because nobody wants to take responsibility, and since it looks like everybody wants to make earth a living hell for everyone else, might as well just blow the whole thing up. The whole thing I keep seeing where people are predicting that humanity will go extinct by 10 years, and people will still say "not a big deal" and go fuck off to be a doormat for the companies that don't give a crap about them while CEOs shit in our water and resell it back and call it mineral. Anyway, thank you for sharing! I'm sorry if I misunderstood your sharing — I've been out of my head recently; but here's to hoping things either start to look up or explodes on itself without a thought and spare all of us the extra suffering 0_O

 

[maggineko]

I'd like to have a functional body and a functional mind. But of course it's impossible to reset (maybe in the future but it will be too late for me).

I can relate to @Macedonian1987 because I have a lot of common points with him. There are so much things I'd like to experience but my brain is destroyed (like a computer software that doesn't work because of several virus). I had so many dreams (simple things like having a partner, being able to travel, living without constant fear, ...). Life treated me like shit and broke me. I hope that death will be kind and peaceful. I deserve it after 44 years of suffering.

I'm so sorry I've always believed that those who love and hunger for life most are the ones who especially crave to die. I recall your euthanasia thread, and hope things go smoothly as you wish it, and hope too that you get to experience good things before you go. I will always keep you in mind. Thinking of you!

Live with my girlfriend and be able to find a country with all landscapes on earth, with kind people living here, away from the issues of the world. Passion work shared with my girlfriend who has the same. Be together in love, never get attacked by people and being sad because of people.
And i dream we can fly like birds to touch the clouds together like a Disney movie.
I could give all i have to live only one day in this World.

A very sweet and comforting dream! How unfair it is that peace should be so rare and hard to find! I hope you and your girlfriend are doing well. Please continue finding and enjoying comforts and beauty of life wherever it offers, even in the smallest corners take care of yourself!

 

[valar_morghulis21]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

Live in some fantasy world, go on adventures, have a chosen-family friend group, save the world from the force of evil. Sounds corny but that's the kind of life I want. Or I could be super rich and travel the world the way similar to Anthony Bourdain. Then when I get tired I can isolate myself in a small tropical island with wifi, books, movies, and video games.

 

[Forveleth]

Live a mostly solitary life in the woods. Only talk to people when I need something from town or selling my wooden wares.

 

[maggineko]

Live in some fantasy world, go on adventures, have a chosen-family friend group, save the world from the force of evil. Sounds corny but that's the kind of life I want. Or I could be super rich and travel the world the way similar to Anthony Bourdain. Then when I get tired I can isolate myself in a small tropical island with wifi, books, movies, and video games.

Not corny at all. Really commendable and admirable honestly, and it's evidence of the lust for life. Anthony Bourdain is fantastic; saw the world, tasted it, and left. A very sad thing but I do admire it. The tropical island sounds relaxing too! Permanent vacation! Hope you get to find these joys in regular life, friend.

Live a mostly solitary life in the woods. Only talk to people when I need something from town or selling my wooden wares.

Sounds comforting! Allow me to stroll into your shop, dear friend, and browse your wares. I am looking for a uniquely carved sword of finest wood by which I may slay the dragon and rescue a princess. I kid, but wishing you luck in finding peace and comfort!

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't, there could never be anything desirable about existing and all that existence ever does is just torture existing beings, I'll just always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence and for me non-existence is just all that could ever be positive.

I'll always see existence as a mistake and nothing no matter what would make me wish for this torturous existence of dreadful suffering, I just want this existence to be all gone, forgotten and erased for me so it's like I never suffered at all, all that existence ever does is just cause all this futile suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

 

[maggineko]

I don't, there could never be anything desirable about existing and all that existence ever does is just torture existing beings, I'll just always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence and for me non-existence is just all that could ever be positive.

I'll always see existence as a mistake and nothing no matter what would make me wish for this torturous existence of dreadful suffering, I just want this existence to be all gone, forgotten and erased for me so it's like I never suffered at all, all that existence ever does is just cause all this futile suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

Completely understandable. I don't hold the exact same view, but I think it's true what you said about ceasing to exist as if never having existed before. Ceasing to exist like a permanently deleted file would be a dream. I can tell that you've suffered a lot, and I really hope you'll be able to find comfort and peace somewhere and soon, even if it's a futile sympathy and doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. You're in my thoughts

 

[delinquentsandwich]

if we're thinking real life today, then..
have an absurd amount of money and resources at my disposal, someone with deep mutual love and trust- not necessarily a lover, and no chronic illness

but I would love to live in a fantasy world with magic
maybe be someone of royalty or with lots of power
I've been reading a lot of villainess stories..

 

[maggineko]

if we're thinking real life today, then..
have an absurd amount of money and resources at my disposal, someone with deep mutual love and trust- not necessarily a lover, and no chronic illness

but I would love to live in a fantasy world with magic
maybe be someone of royalty or with lots of power
I've been reading a lot of villainess stories..

I think those are wonderful ideas! And a villainess fantasy world sounds fantastic lol. I used to love isekai royalty manhua/manwhas until bilibili comics shut down. Which story is your favourite so far?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

Sorta-Realistic one : be with a man I love and who loves me, be his housewife, care for our home and love him when he returns from work, go on dates, having nice visits to historical sites, board games once in a while, enjoying lovely music together.. Grow our own food in the garden maybe, proudly show him all the goodies I can raise, a corner of paradise in this cold world

Unrealistic one : living as a vampire in a time long gone, finding my soul mate and having only eachother for eternity, as we share every century of human history together, perhaps I'd get to meet my favorite composers, see Versailles at the peak of it's glory, visit America when it was a new fresh beautiful place of opportunity, so many long lost beautiful things and yet he'd be the most beautiful one still to me

 

[Le temps perdu]

maybe it's unrealistic, but if i don't choose ctb, I wish I had enough money to escape this situation where I don't have much freedom, I wouldn't feel pressured about whether or not to get a job.
I would travel to many different countries, experience all kinds of things that interest me, and experience international education as well (one thing I regret is never getting to experience life on an international campus when I was younger ) I'd study the areas of psychology that I'm interested in, and maybe I'd even volunteer for a charity.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I think those are wonderful ideas! And a villainess fantasy world sounds fantastic lol. I used to love isekai royalty manhua/manwhas until bilibili comics shut down. Which story is your favourite so far?

yeah I hate that they keep cracking down on all of the sites.. all my bookmarks and stuff I wanted to read
so sad

hmmm.. I think my favorite isekai lately would be villainess level 99 or heretical last boss queen lol

do you have a favorite(s)?

 

[csites]

Thinking about it, I'd need suprisingly little things to not want to leave this world anymore, but those are impossible to attain. If I had a lot of money (not even millions, just an alright paying jobs worth) and were magically functional and not mentally ill, I would never want to ctb again in my life. I would leave this wretched place I live in behind and move far away, just going slowly through life, visiting or even living with close friends I've made on the web who are the only people I truly care about anymore. The only thing I dearly wish for is to quietly wait out my life in peace from the world and from my mind. If only..

 

[ZwartHartje]

I'd want my nutria family to be alive again, all of whom were murdered. I'd want all of them back, and ideally to live with them in some remote place in the wilderness, with a lake for them and a cabin for myself where they could come in and out too. Somewhere surrounded by pristine Nature, far enough from so-called civilization and its light pollution to be able to see the Milky Way in every clear night.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

in my perfect life i would be a teacher of philosophy or religious studies at a college (a level) and id feel great about my job, i love the friends i have now, id stay in contact with them and absolutely stay close, but id also have new ones, id come home from my job to a cozy not too small not too big house to my pet cats and reptiles, id have a boyfriend who im happy with, but we would have our own bedrooms and have sleepovers together some nights, we would go traveling around europe one summer, i would be very passionate about philosophy and religious studies, and maybe even have other passions on the side, a topic i can pour all the energy of my brain into which gives me a grand purpose, i would be happy most of the time, i wouldnt worry about food, i would just enjoy it, i would go to all the concerts of my favourite artists

 

[Passenger4224]

I would keep attempting CTB over and over and over again, even if I kept failing. I would turn it into a game.

I would write out a bingo card with all sorts of methods and try to score a BINGO before I become a vegetable!

 

[nightmare-receiver]

My issues are a product of my environment mostly, debt and a horrible experience that I'll never be able to get away from. But I think this is a beautiful question, and your answer is awesome. Twilight rocks. I've always wanted to go on a road trip of some kind, even just alone. I unfortunately can't drive because of debt, but maybe I'll save up and blow a bunch of money on bus tickets and motels or something, if I can manage to hang on for that long. I want to see more of America, the small charming places and stuff. I'd love to see how many stars are visible in the desert. Maybe I'll give it a shot, if I last. It seems kind of unattainable to travel like that with anti-trans laws on the rise unfortunately anyway.

For the long term, I'd love to be a librarian. I'd love to live far away from where I grew up, but somehow still close to my family. I'd want to be close to my best friend too. (All of these would be impossible at once, lol) I'd love to find someone that loves me, and live in a world where all the people who hate me for things I can't control keep it to themselves. I'd love to have my own place that's decorated in a way that makes me happy to look at.

But if it were possible, I would go the vampire route as well.

 

[limenlux]

Professional wrestler.

 

[maggineko]

yeah I hate that they keep cracking down on all of the sites.. all my bookmarks and stuff I wanted to read
so sad

hmmm.. I think my favorite isekai lately would be villainess level 99 or heretical last boss queen lol

do you have a favorite(s)?

I think I've heard of those! I'll have to look into those and maybe get absorbed into the story.

I used to have favourites but I don't remember the titles because I don't remember Chinese titles very well wahahaha I miss Bilibili comics everyday. Webtoon doesn't cut it for me.

Professional wrestler.

I'll cheer from the crowd!

 

[bipp]

either become a child again, everyone really loved me when i was young :D or live my life with this one girl who ive been talking to for a few years, she doesnt like me back but thats how the cookie crumbles, id like to live in a small house on the outskirts of a city and just spend time with the people i love without having to worry about the future coming to me faster than i can handle it, also without mental issues preferably