Discussion What life would you want to live if ctb wasn't an option?

[maggineko]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

 

[Macedonian1987]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

I am one of the rare ones on this forum that actually loves life and loves to live, but I will ctb soon because my circumstances are very bad.
Here are the main circumstances that I want to ctb because of:

- I have asperger's
- I felt like I never belonged in this world , even from age 5-6 years old
- I never had any true friend, I couldn't fit in anywhere and with nobody
- I never had a true relationship from a woman (no love life), women avoided me like i had some infectious disease
- I have narcisistic, cold mother , not capable of human warmth or love. refused my hugs when i was in chronic pain flareups, her explanation for this rejection - i was too old to be hugging my mother.
- lost the only person who unconditionally loved me at the age of 10 - my loving grandmother.
- My father has : ocd, mysophonia, adhd, touretes, hyperverbalia and emotionally almost dead and unaware of someone else's suffering
- I have hypotonia, and joint problems that started at the age of 24 , getting quite bad until the age of 39 (thats my current age)
- I never held a job, nor had a driver's license.

If didn't had all of this, I would love to live at grow to be 100 years old.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[2709mg]

i would do social work or graphic design, meet my friends for brunch and picnics during the day, travel to every continent, learn to play the piano and actually be good at it, eat everything i like without caring about calories, all while making enough money so i don't have to ever worry about rent or bills again. i would live with my little sister and provide her with everything she deserves too.

but ngl i love your idea as well. ideally i would have all of that and also be a vampire

 

[alexd]

I wish I wouldnt be neurodivergent

 

[kipper]

I'd like to be someone's beloved pet cat.

 

[SuicidalCheese]

I would like to be an old man/woman, with grandkids, a library and a family. I literally cannot do any of that, but, what's hope without the little pang, knowing that it will never happen?

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I'd probably like to be someone who could actually function properly. Every day is a struggle.

 

[IfFairiesWereReal]

I'd like to be a little girl loved by everyone around her, basically go back to my childhood, and just not grow up, or if grow up than not end up like me..

 

[fadedghost]

i wouldn't want anything. something horrible was done to me and nothing will change that, and then i was treated horribly by even more people.

i would probably want to be someone who found a way to increase CO2 output through industrial legal pollution to make sure the planet was not habitable so that i would be more likely to die from environmental collapse. but isn't that a form of ctb too? But I probably wouldn't need to do that? Numbers don't lie, the earth is already in an extinction event, and although environmental projections are all prognostications, the numbers sure look like earth is going to turn into an uninhabitable place.

It's sort of like if you were in a car and the need oil light and check engine lights were on and there was smoke coming out of the engine and you had a flat tire but you just kept driving anyway. All the math and numbers are flashing warning signs and most people are just too scientifically illiterate to notice, but if you understand math and trends, it sure looks bad. not like "we need to make small changes" bad, but like "things are fundamentally broken" bad.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'd like to have a functional body and a functional mind. But of course it's impossible to reset (maybe in the future but it will be too late for me).

I can relate to @Macedonian1987 because I have a lot of common points with him. There are so much things I'd like to experience but my brain is destroyed (like a computer software that doesn't work because of several virus). I had so many dreams (simple things like having a partner, being able to travel, living without constant fear, ...). Life treated me like shit and broke me. I hope that death will be kind and peaceful. I deserve it after 44 years of suffering.

 

[Aren]

I feel like being suicidal is definitely a product of the environment, plus genetic factors that might come into play.

What sort of life would you wanna live if ctb wasn't an option in any way shape or form? Doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantastical or unobtainable it is. What sort of life would you want to live in which you won't need or desire to ctb?

For me, I'd want to be a vampire and find a vampire mate, and we're somehow super rich, then we live out the rest of our lives until a realistic age to fake our deaths, then run away together to start a new life. We'd never tire of each other nor be bored of each other. Yes, I read and watched and loved Twilight. If anybody else fantasises about something like this, you're welcome to my coven in the next life lol!

Live with my girlfriend and be able to find a country with all landscapes on earth, with kind people living here, away from the issues of the world. Passion work shared with my girlfriend who has the same. Be together in love, never get attacked by people and being sad because of people.
And i dream we can fly like birds to touch the clouds together like a Disney movie.
I could give all i have to live only one day in this World.

 

[maggineko]

I am one of the rare ones on this forum that actually loves life and loves to live, but I will ctb soon because my circumstances are very bad.
Here are the main circumstances that I want to ctb because of:

- I have asperger's
- I felt like I never belonged in this world , even from age 5-6 years old
- I never had any true friend, I couldn't fit in anywhere and with nobody
- I never had a true relationship from a woman (no love life), women avoided me like i had some infectious disease
- I have narcisistic, cold mother , not capable of human warmth or love. refused my hugs when i was in chronic pain flareups, her explanation for this rejection - i was too old to be hugging my mother.
- lost the only person who unconditionally loved me at the age of 10 - my loving grandmother.
- My father has : ocd, mysophonia, adhd, touretes, hyperverbalia and emotionally almost dead and unaware of someone else's suffering
- I have hypotonia, and joint problems that started at the age of 24 , getting quite bad until the age of 39 (thats my current age)
- I never held a job, nor had a driver's license.

If didn't had all of this, I would love to live at grow to be 100 years old.

Sorry for the long post.

Gosh, I'm so sorry! You've had such a hard and lonely life. Honestly, it goes to show how strong you are to have made it this far, I really commend you. You have a beautiful soul and I'm so sorry life was so harsh to you. Wishing you more sweetness in life and I hope things look up for you soon, and hope you'll be able to ctb peacefully and have a safe travel Growing to a 100 years old sounds magical and beautiful.

i would do social work or graphic design, meet my friends for brunch and picnics during the day, travel to every continent, learn to play the piano and actually be good at it, eat everything i like without caring about calories, all while making enough money so i don't have to ever worry about rent or bills again. i would live with my little sister and provide her with everything she deserves too.

but ngl i love your idea as well. ideally i would have all of that and also be a vampire

Your idea sounds amazing and so calming, and reminded me that I miss my piano. Hope you'll be able to achieve all of that in this life somehow someway. I don't think it's too impossible for your sweet dreams to come true. And hey, you're totally welcome to come and be a vampire with me if that were our reality!

I wish I wouldnt be neurodivergent

I sympathise. Life is already hard, and now even harder on those who are ND. Holding you dearly in my thoughts, and hope you find gentleness somewhere soon ♡

I'd like to be someone's beloved pet cat.

Ikr! I've always wanted too to be reborn as a pet cat. A seemingly easy life! Let's play together in a life where we are both cats ^_^

I would like to be an old man/woman, with grandkids, a library and a family. I literally cannot do any of that, but, what's hope without the little pang, knowing that it will never happen?

What a beautiful dream ♡ It sounds very warm. I don't want any children myself but I admire and have deep respect for those that do. I hope that dream isn't entirely impossible for you and that you can achieve it, but if not, I hope your current life becomes easier to bear with.

I'd probably like to be someone who could actually function properly. Every day is a struggle.

I get this. It's difficult to do even the smallest things, right? My deepest sympathies I hope you find a little more strength with each passing day

I'd like to be a little girl loved by everyone around her, basically go back to my childhood, and just not grow up, or if grow up than not end up like me..

So understandable. It seems adulthood hasn't been kind to either of us. Hoping for you to find peace and joy somewhere in this life, and on the bus if not ♡♡♡

i wouldn't want anything. something horrible was done to me and nothing will change that, and then i was treated horribly by even more people.

i would probably want to be someone who found a way to increase CO2 output through industrial legal pollution to make sure the planet was not habitable so that i would be more likely to die from environmental collapse. but isn't that a form of ctb too? But I probably wouldn't need to do that? Numbers don't lie, the earth is already in an extinction event, and although environmental projections are all prognostications, the numbers sure look like earth is going to turn into an uninhabitable place.

It's sort of like if you were in a car and the need oil light and check engine lights were on and there was smoke coming out of the engine and you had a flat tire but you just kept driving anyway. All the math and numbers are flashing warning signs and most people are just too scientifically illiterate to notice, but if you understand math and trends, it sure looks bad. not like "we need to make small changes" bad, but like "things are fundamentally broken" bad.

I'm so sorry about what it is that happened to you. As for your dream, it tastes like a very heady nihilism. I admire it, and I think it's true what you said. The world is going to shit anyway because nobody wants to take responsibility, and since it looks like everybody wants to make earth a living hell for everyone else, might as well just blow the whole thing up. The whole thing I keep seeing where people are predicting that humanity will go extinct by 10 years, and people will still say "not a big deal" and go fuck off to be a doormat for the companies that don't give a crap about them while CEOs shit in our water and resell it back and call it mineral. Anyway, thank you for sharing! I'm sorry if I misunderstood your sharing — I've been out of my head recently; but here's to hoping things either start to look up or explodes on itself without a thought and spare all of us the extra suffering 0_O

 

[maggineko]

I'd like to have a functional body and a functional mind. But of course it's impossible to reset (maybe in the future but it will be too late for me).

I can relate to @Macedonian1987 because I have a lot of common points with him. There are so much things I'd like to experience but my brain is destroyed (like a computer software that doesn't work because of several virus). I had so many dreams (simple things like having a partner, being able to travel, living without constant fear, ...). Life treated me like shit and broke me. I hope that death will be kind and peaceful. I deserve it after 44 years of suffering.

I'm so sorry I've always believed that those who love and hunger for life most are the ones who especially crave to die. I recall your euthanasia thread, and hope things go smoothly as you wish it, and hope too that you get to experience good things before you go. I will always keep you in mind. Thinking of you!

Live with my girlfriend and be able to find a country with all landscapes on earth, with kind people living here, away from the issues of the world. Passion work shared with my girlfriend who has the same. Be together in love, never get attacked by people and being sad because of people.
And i dream we can fly like birds to touch the clouds together like a Disney movie.
I could give all i have to live only one day in this World.

A very sweet and comforting dream! How unfair it is that peace should be so rare and hard to find! I hope you and your girlfriend are doing well. Please continue finding and enjoying comforts and beauty of life wherever it offers, even in the smallest corners take care of yourself!