Why do you want to CTB?

[okkkk]

After being a depressed, suicidal loser for all my teens I finally decided I had enough of the loser part and tried to improve myself so I could be of equal standing to my peers.This included going to uni, moving out, getting a job, making friends, acquiring a drivers license: basically the usual late teens - early twenties stuff. Needless to say all except one of my attempts failed. I didn't find a place to live after applying to 40+ places (the average applications before a succesful application is 20), had to quit my hospital job due to incompetent coworkers and have received no responses to my applications, nobody wants to be my friend and my driving instructor may or may not have taken advantage of my passive personality to squeeze more money out of me. The only thing I have going for me right now is that I'm in uni, but if my mental health keeps getting in the way I might be forced to drop out for the third time.
All I can conclude after all these failures is that life is just not meant for me, it's not normal for a person to put this much effort in only to have barely anything to show for it. If all the stuff that normies and mental health professionals preach doesn't work nothing will.

I can relate so fucking hard to that endless upward climb. Youre like me. Even though we're unhappy we arent complacent. We are willing to work in order to change the things we dont like. I'm at a point where Ive lost all faith in any kind of help from any therapist or substance. Im just trying to cope at this point. Im drowning my sensitive mind in anything I can find. Its shameful and sad but Id rather be numb than in constant regret and agony. Im trying to get on the same level as my peers as well. And i dont see the point in experiencing this shame and loneliness while i try and climb there.

 

[Ratherbeskinny]

Such is life. I am one of them as well, took be too long to realise.

The sad thing is though, that I've always known it. When I was very young, I wished I would get locked up someday so I didn't have to deal with anything or anyone. I've now come to the realisation that being locked up for the rest of my life won't help me, but ending it all might will. The feeling of wanting to go so badly but at the same time being scared of where I will end up, is the worst feeling ever. I've always thought I was in hell and still think I may be. If this is hell, then what's next?

 

[lucines]

I can relate so fucking hard to that endless upward climb. Youre like me. Even though we're unhappy we arent complacent. We are willing to work in order to change the things we dont like. I'm at a point where Ive lost all faith in any kind of help from any therapist or substance. Im just trying to cope at this point. Im drowning my sensitive mind in anything I can find. Its shameful and sad but Id rather be numb than in constant regret and agony. Im trying to get on the same level as my peers as well. And i dont see the point in experiencing this shame and loneliness while i try and climb there.

The worst part is that despite doing everthing in your power people will still insinuate that maybe you should have tried harder and it's your own fault you're not improving, and who can blame them. For most people who have experienced depression or other mental health issues a few months of therapy is enough to get back on track, maybe a change of environment and a new job as well but generally they see improvement. Unfortunately there's also a group of people with bad luck extrordinaire who can't escape the darkness no matter what, a group we both seemingly belong to. I just wish others would acknowledge that this group also exists without being passive aggressive or accusatory, it woud make life a little more bearable, or at the very least reduce the shame a little.

 

[Squiddy]

Reason I want to is because of bipolar, BPD and brain fog

 

[Polka]

depression and loss of wife

 

[Kodama]

Financial issues / Bankrupt... and shame about that

 

[JimFord99]

The sad thing is though, that I've always known it. When I was very young, I wished I would get locked up someday so I didn't have to deal with anything or anyone. I've now come to the realisation that being locked up for the rest of my life won't help me, but ending it all might will. The feeling of wanting to go so badly but at the same time being scared of where I will end up, is the worst feeling ever. I've always thought I was in hell and still think I may be. If this is hell, then what's next?

Hell is one step further, if there is such a thing as hell. For me, hell is here and now.

 

[Timetoleave]

Lost my beautiful son, so what's the point in carrying on.

 

[okkkk]

The worst part is that despite doing everthing in your power people will still insinuate that maybe you should have tried harder and it's your own fault you're not improving, and who can blame them. For most people who have experienced depression or other mental health issues a few months of therapy is enough to get back on track, maybe a change of environment and a new job as well but generally they see improvement. Unfortunately there's also a group of people with bad luck extrordinaire who can't escape the darkness no matter what, a group we both seemingly belong to. I just wish others would acknowledge that this group also exists without being passive aggressive or accusatory, it woud make life a little more bearable, or at the very least reduce the shame a little.

we are all subject to large forces outside of our control. Things we cant and probably wont ever understand. It all stems from childhood I think. I was unlucky and had an un-ideal one and those pathways are carved into my brain. Now i have the rest of my life to get out of those patterns.

 

[End Piece]

Because my life isn't going the way I want it to, and I know I'm the only one with the power to change it, but I know I won't.

 

[Passersby]

Health problems. No way to fix them. Meaningless sedentary life of suffering.

 

[Inferdan]

Just a question, why do you guys want to CTB?

My mind. It confuses me. It rushes with so many thoughts, the label "over-thinker" is an understatement. My stress levels are stupidly high, I don't know how I haven't gotten a haemorraghe yet. My childhood has been so painful. I can't recognise happiness, so life feels like a charade. School is useless, it would be better learning life skills like learning how to build a fence instead of learning absolutely every single kind of math that they can teach. My hypocrital, manipulative father has ruined friendships, people that may come back from the past to bite me in the future. I'm stuck living with some random who takes illicit drugs. I starve until the end of the day. My friends care about me, I know that, but for some reason, I don't feel good around them anymore. Life is just pain for me, and I want to end it. I've been through enough, and now I shouldn't care about what happens anymore.

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

Because I reject suffering as a path to happiness.

Just my opinion but I'm personally afraid there is no way around this. Idk if its happiness so much as a dignified grace in facing your suffering with noble equanimity. But I get what youre saying. I just want to say f*ck it, too. But if I truly did not care, then what is it that I'm so upset about? I do believe this is not the end, but i also believe ultimately, there is no escape from this process.

I am here because i got dealt an imperfect hand(who hasnt?) that i made worse through my own choices. Its like when u burn ur tongue on something hot. You cant taste that food or any other food. My choices caused me to say f*ck it to certain common apsects of life I now felt I was permanently excluded from. But, I didnt stop there. The floodgates opened and now im like f*ck the whole of it. Why should i care about any of it? I know what my brain is telling me, but my heart isnt in it. I dont see any reason for me to genuinely look forward to waking up tomorrow morning. I have no accomplishments to be proud of, no younglings to look after, no compainion to share life with, no hobbies that i care about(the passion for all of them disappeared.) I fight with the part of me that wants to do better if only so my parents can be proud of me at least a little, and the part of me that is full of apathy and laziness and says dont bother its all pointless in the end.

 

[Inferdan]

Just my opinion but I'm personally afraid there is no way around this. Idk if its happiness so much as a dignified grace in facing your suffering with noble equanimity. But I get what youre saying. I just want to say f*ck it, too. But if I truly did not care, then what is it that I'm so upset about? I do believe this is not the end, but i also believe ultimately, there is no escape from this process.

I am here because i got dealt an imperfect hand(who hasnt?) that i made worse through my own choices. Its like when u burn ur tongue on something hot. You cant taste that food or any other food. My choices caused me to say f*ck it to certain common apsects of life I now felt I was permanently excluded from. But, I didnt stop there. The floodgates opened and now im like f*ck the whole of it. Why should i care about any of it? I know what my brain is telling me, but my heart isnt in it. I dont see any reason for me to genuinely look forward to waking up tomorrow morning. I have no accomplishments to be proud of, no younglings to look after, no compainion to share life with, no hobbies that i care about(the passion for all of them disappeared.) I fight with the part of me that wants to do better if only so my parents can be proud of me at least a little, and the part of me that is full of apathy and laziness and says dont bother its all pointless in the end.

And which do you choose to listen to?

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

And which do you choose to listen to?

It oscillates back and forth so it is difficult to gain positive traction, but I think im moving in the right direction. Today is my birthday and I have a small set of things I want to accomplish before I could seriously plan through my attempt to ctb. I should be able to take care of these things by my next bday. I will be 40 then. If I dont feel some sort of measurable improvement by then, I will strongly consider that it is time. I figure 40 is a nice round number. I cant say for sure I will do it as I am admittedly scared. However, I am not as scared as I was previously.

 

[AcidicTearsOfDeath]

No girlfriend, no friends, no family, no job, no car and no money.

Yip, I can relate. At this point it's just existing, taking up space.

 

[Inferdan]

It oscillates back and forth so it is difficult to gain positive traction, but I think im moving in the right direction. Today is my birthday and I have a small set of things I want to accomplish before I could seriously plan through my attempt to ctb. I should be able to take care of these things by my next bday. I will be 40 then. If I dont feel some sort of measurable improvement by then, I will strongly consider that it is time. I figure 40 is a nice round number. I cant say for sure I will do it as I am admittedly scared. However, I am not as scared as I was previously.

Death shouldn't be something to be afraid of. It's part of life, anyways, everyone gets to it eventually. 40 is a good age to pass, though I'd go less, tbh. You seem smart, I'm sorry you had such a painful life. No one deserves to go through such torture. Whichever decision you make, it'll be the right one. Good luck, knight, and may your ending be the beginning of something better.

EDIT: Dammit, forgot to say, happy early birthday! Preps to Acid for their reply, very thoughtful of them.

 

[AcidicTearsOfDeath]

It oscillates back and forth so it is difficult to gain positive traction, but I think im moving in the right direction. Today is my birthday and I have a small set of things I want to accomplish before I could seriously plan through my attempt to ctb. I should be able to take care of these things by my next bday. I will be 40 then. If I dont feel some sort of measurable improvement by then, I will strongly consider that it is time. I figure 40 is a nice round number. I cant say for sure I will do it as I am admittedly scared. However, I am not as scared as I was previously.

I know it's off topic but happy birthday . I kinda get how you feeling but doesn't mean you shouldn't be wished.

 

[Reyki6667]

Incurable debilitating lifelong depression.
now not only my basic brain function are screwed or disabled, but my body joined the wagon too with excruciating pain.
time to end it.

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

Death shouldn't be something to be afraid of. It's part of life, anyways, everyone gets to it eventually. 40 is a good age to pass, though I'd go less, tbh. You seem smart, I'm sorry you had such a painful life. No one deserves to go through such torture. Whichever decision you make, it'll be the right one. Good luck, knight, and may your ending be the beginning of something better.

Im not so much afraid of death per se as much as I am afraid of what mines will do to those still here. For myself, its more of a "this is all I know" feeling. Like moving out of an old house into a new one. And since I do believe in spirituality, I am always aware of the school of thought that I would "fail" and have to take the course again. I cant say my life was painful and most of the pain that was there, was my of my own making. Thats what stings so sharply. I work in a hospital. So many people dealt real sh*tty hands, much moreso than mines. Many on this forum and many out there all over the world. So many who would happily switch places with me and here I am b*tchin. I feel in a way I do all these people a dis-service. No way the universe can look kindly on me. Thank you for your encouraging words and same to you.

I know it's off topic but happy birthday . I kinda get how you feeling but doesn't mean you shouldn't be wished.

Thank you. I cant remember the last time I celebrated my bday. I dont even tell anyone anymore cuz i dont want people to know. I always looked at my bday as a marker to judge my progress. Am I a better person than I was this time last year? Have I done better? And almost always, the answer would be no. Thats what laziness and low self-esteem combined with chronic depression does to you I guess.

 

[Inferdan]

Im not so much afraid of death per se as much as I am afraid of what mines will do to those still here. For myself, its more of a "this is all I know" feeling. Like moving out of an old house into a new one. And since I do believe in spirituality, I am always aware of the school of thought that I would "fail" and have to take the course again. I cant say my life was painful and most of the pain that was there, was my of my own making. Thats what stings so sharply. I work in a hospital. So many people dealt real sh*tty hands, much moreso than mines. Many on this forum and many out there all over the world. So many who would happily switch places with me and here I am b*tchin. I feel in a way I do all these people a dis-service. No way the universe can look kindly on me. Thank you for your encouraging words and same to you.

I'm sure you'll be able to redeem yourself somehow. I don't know how stuff works, I don't follow that idea, but I'm certain you can prove that you are better than what you've done before, that you've learned from your mistakes. Would you agree?

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

I'm sure you'll be able to redeem yourself somehow. I don't know how stuff works, I don't follow that idea, but I'm certain you can prove that you are better than what you've done before, that you've learned from your mistakes. Would you agree?

Actually, in honor of my bday this year, I have decided to make an earnest attempt to cease some of my more problematic behaviors and replace them with beneficial ones. Will see how it goes.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Because my life's been ruined online, and my real name's been doxed. I can't live through the humiliation any longer. I'm done with this crap. I had it coming, but it still irritates me, nonetheless.

 

[AcidicTearsOfDeath]

Thank you. I cant remember the last time I celebrated my bday. I dont even tell anyone anymore cuz i dont want people to know. I always looked at my bday as a marker to judge my progress. Am I a better person than I was this time last year? Have I done better? And almost always, the answer would be no. Thats what laziness and low self-esteem combined with chronic depression does to you I guess.

No don't say that, I think it's just trying to hope about anything remotely positive. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it's what keeps most of our head afloat, what delays a lot of us from cbt, what some people really wish for. I too am guilty of that, I think once I lose this little bit of hope I have then I really have nothing left.

 

[Inferdan]

Actually, in honor of my bday this year, I have decided to make an earnest attempt to cease some of my more problematic behaviors and replace them with beneficial ones. Will see how it goes.

Good luck on them, then. Lets hope you find peace with whichever path you take.

 

[hobbydevil]

Because I've realized I'm less important than I always believed myself to be.
People who were everything to me can move on without so much as sparing me a thought these days, and they have.
People who I thought would always be honest with me and who I hoped to have in my life forever and who I felt endless trust for turned out to be liars willing to humiliate me in front of mutual friends, instructing them to lie to me too so foolish me doesn't catch on.
Maybe I even deserve all of it because I'm secretly a horrible person? Who knows.
All I know is I'm just one drop in the ocean.

On top of that I'm suffering due to many bad things that have unfortunately happened to me. Some of them my fault, some of them just me getting very unlucky and falling into the hands of malicious people.
So why stick around? My life is messed up. I wasted all the experience points on the wrong skills. This save file is a bad run and it's no fun playing anymore.

 

[passenger27]

Money issues, mental issues, physical issues...

 

[CrushedHopes]

Because I've realized I'm less important than I always believed myself to be.
I'm just one drop in the ocean.

And I'm suffering due to many bad things that have unfortunately happened to me. Some of them my fault, some of them just me getting very unlucky and falling into the hands of malicious people.
So why stick around? My life is messed up. I wasted all the experience points on the wrong skills. This save file is a bad run and it's no fun playing anymore.

I am glad that I am not the only one that uses games as an analogy for life. It's too bad for us that we don't get to reload to the last good save point (heck, for some of us, starting over from the very beginning at birth sounds like a fantastic option). I feel like if we were truly given a choice in the matter, then we wouldn't be wallowing in agony anymore. It's just too cruel. If we screw up on a game, it's not like we can't see the consequences. We can. So we reload and start over. So why can't the same be applied to real life? It's not fair.

 

[hobbydevil]

I am glad that I am not the only one that uses games as an analogy for life. It's too bad for us that we don't get to reload to the last good save point (heck, for some of us, starting over from the very beginning at birth sounds like a fantastic option). I feel like if we were truly given a choice in the matter, then we wouldn't be wallowing in agony anymore. It's just too cruel. If we screw up on a game, it's not like we can't see the consequences. We can. So we reload and start over. So why can't the same be applied to real life? It's not fair.

Yes! I think about this so often. Maybe it's proof that I'm spending way too much time playing video games (it's my favourite way to escape, like it is for many people - probably the reason why I like life simulation games and fantasy stuff best) but when I think about my life I often catch myself thinking... "Oh, I'll do this differently when I start over!" or "I'm glad I know better now! This will help me prevent it next time!"

But of course those thoughts only last for a split second.

Then I remember it's not actually possible. There's no reset. No loading of save states. There's no hope for a "next life". There's not even a way to undo the memories. All there is in this world, at least in my case, is moving on and coping with what happened and... that's so bleak and depressing.
It makes therapy so hard. It's easy for me to have empathy for myself and to understand where I went wrong (and also where others went wrong and treated me badly)... but actually accepting the present? It feels impossible. Fucking impossible.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Yes! I think about this so often. Maybe it's proof that I'm spending way too much time playing video games (it's my favourite way to escape, like it is for many people - probably the reason why I like life simulation games and fantasy stuff best) but when I think about my life I often catch myself thinking... "Oh, I'll do this differently when I start over!" or "I'm glad I know better now! This will help me prevent it next time!"

But of course those thoughts only last for a split second.

Then I remember it's not actually possible. There's no reset. No loading of save states. There's no hope for a "next life". There's not even a way to undo the memories. All there is in this world, at least in my case, is moving on and coping with what happened and... that's so bleak and depressing.
It makes therapy so hard. It's easy for me to have empathy for myself and to understand where I went wrong (and also where others went wrong and treated me badly)... but actually accepting the present? It feels impossible. Fucking impossible.

Agreed. I feel like one could only truly learn if they made minor mistakes that don't have long term or permanent devastating consequences. Like, that's okay. At least then, you'd know better and you wouldn't do them again.

However, if you screw up majorly to the point of no return, then what else is left? I feel like we should have be given a choice to undo these mistakes and have a second go, just like in video games.

If you're a physically healthy person in the 20s (like me), then you have at least 50, or even 60 years to go before your body severely deteriorates like the elderly. Oh, and to add insult to injury, while someone has apparently undone the damage I've inflicted by restoring the deleted Wikipedia article, people won't forget about the fact that I was the one responsible for it. Which makes me think, "Why the hell did I do this again? Goddammit it....." Welp, I've committed career suicide, and the only thing next for me is *actually* committing the real thing.