Discussion Do you go to hell after ctb?

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There are 2 things stopping me from ctb... Ease of method and the afterlife. I wont go over ease of method in this post, maybe another. But I want to discuss the afterlife right now.

I am an atheist and I have no reason to believe in hell, but I cannot get it off my mind. Maybe its because I grew up as a Christian. I am horrified that I might suffer even more than I already am by trying to escape. How could a God be so cruel?

I just want logic or reassurance that I will not go to hell after I ctb. Why would God punish me for exercising my rights? I don't know, for some reason it still plagues me. I cannot get it out of my head and I am very anxious.

Personally, I believe in hell. And I believe that's where I'm going. I have no doubts about it. So it doesn't really make sense that I want to CTB so much because I'm not going to a place where I'll be at ease - I'll be in torture for the sins I have recently committed in this life. Sigh. One reason I want to CTB is in order to stop inflicting pain and damage on my loved ones. Yes, yes, you would think I would be able to consciously do this myself, I mean I'm the one doing it. But I feel powerless to do so. That is not an excuse, I am just saying what it feels like. I am totally responsible for my actions and my omissions which are causing great harm.