I am in a rut and cannot seem to get out of it. I can't really articulate how I feel apart from purgatory. I have no reason to be in this state but I am and have been for a long time. I've graduated twice and now hold a master's, and am working on the third degree in the sciences. I find the work I am doing interesting, and am contracted by a research facility. I have friends around me, a pet, my own apartment that I can mostly afford. I have made accomplishments in my own work, I have a good relationship with my family. I could go on and on about this, but despite it all I feel nothing. I am blending into my environment and am just mimicking what I am supposed to be doing or reacting to. I feel like I am already dead in some regard. My only major complaint is loneliness. I am not going to go down the incel route, but having no girlfriend is a bit hard. I understand that people have preferences, and I am ok with that. I can just let it ride when the inevitable rejection happens. Despite all of these other people around me though, it is not at all the same.
I can live with this loneliness as I have for years. This only feels like a "piece of the puzzle" so to speak. I feel there is more going on to bring me to this point, I just cannot figure it out. The driving force is this purgatory feeling. I do not understand why I am here. I would do anything to get out of it but I can't. The closest I can ever feel to normal is when I am drinking. This was getting out of control and I started correcting that. I could call that another achievement in some regard. But it doesn't really matter, because I cannot really feel good apart from very brief waves of it.
So I am now here drinking again and contemplating it all. I am not sure about ctb yet, but I cannot continue down this current route. I would like to get out of the rut on my own, but I am unsure how and the prospect of ctb is becoming quite enticing
I can live with this loneliness as I have for years. This only feels like a "piece of the puzzle" so to speak. I feel there is more going on to bring me to this point, I just cannot figure it out. The driving force is this purgatory feeling. I do not understand why I am here. I would do anything to get out of it but I can't. The closest I can ever feel to normal is when I am drinking. This was getting out of control and I started correcting that. I could call that another achievement in some regard. But it doesn't really matter, because I cannot really feel good apart from very brief waves of it.
So I am now here drinking again and contemplating it all. I am not sure about ctb yet, but I cannot continue down this current route. I would like to get out of the rut on my own, but I am unsure how and the prospect of ctb is becoming quite enticing
