Why are you still here?

[Misanthrope]

Because I have obligations, I must see those obligations as safe as possible before I exit this shit show.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

Survival instinct, other people 1% hope that things will get better.

 

[Vilthuril]

Mostly my cat.

 

[Letmego. Please]

But suicidal thoughts, once you seriously have thought that shit it never lets you go from then on, it might vary in frequency, but that's about it.

I second that, the thought appeared in my brain at 13/14yrs old & through good & bad it has never gone away.

Why am i still here? Honestly no idea, the last shrink to section me invoked god as the only reason i could still be alive, or dumb stupid luck, like when you are in the middle of nowhere at 2am pissed as a fart, happily unconscious in a stream while it snows & your dying nicely of hypothermia, and some little old lady walking her dog at 2am in the freezing cold, i mean seriously wtf was she doing there??
I am now the wrong side of 45, should have died numerous times, joked that i must be invincible, though i accept very breakable.

The black doggie friend has disappeared into the undergrowth over the years, but always reappears with its ball more eager than ever & frankly its exhausting repeatedly trying to chuck the ball into the undergrowth. I am tired so this will be the last time. But like others i have responsibilities that i need to ensure are covered.

 

[throwaway123]

That's very complicated. I can't put that into 10 000 characters.

 

[Jiva]

- I am afraid from pain.
- Sometimes i feel better.
- My family.

 

[TheRiverStyz]

I've had suicidal ideations for a really long time, the first time I SI'd (11 years old) was a silly and ineffective attempt at slitting my wrists. It's been much stronger lately and I've been seriously considering methods. I've been staying because I don't want to hurt the people around me, I don't want to do it at home out of respect for my boyfriend's parents (they own the house), and I'm wary about doing it elsewhere in case I get busted before I succeed. Don't think I'd stick around much longer though.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I seriously hope what everyone here says is not true. I only became suicidal about two years ago.... I don't know if I am depressed, don't know if that makes a difference.
But.... it's never going to go away? Why? I never thought about killing my self before.
My life always sucked. Guess maybe once your brain makes the calculations and realize that you are better off dead....it just shuts down all other options....
all of you guys are incredibly brave- I can't feel like this. I think I am losing my mind because I can't find peace and so many said they have felt like this for years/decades...
I am so sorry for everyone feeling like that.

 

[ParamitePie]

I'm the type of person just to coast along until a decision is forced upon me. I feel like I'm running into a moment of decision, and I'll either have to live on for decades like this, or just pull the plug and be done with it. I haven't wanted to live for a long time, have acquired the means to quickly do away with myself, and I'm just going to stick around for a few more days. It's not as if I expect anything to get better, or my opinion to change, but I just want to spend a few more days with my family. In essence, I just want to tidy up my affairs a little before leaving.

 

[DoneFighting]

Because I failed due to survival instinct several times. Only was able to pull the trigger once and it didn't go off. Hanging failed . Tried taking 50mg of xanax with straight vodka and my bf showed up and forced me to puke. Then tried retraining myself while having a bag over my head and he stopped me again. Fucking sucks. I just want him here. Going to eventually ctb might buy another shotgun idk. He took all my guns.

 

[StreamingMySuicide]

Sarcasm? lol

I formed an attachment to her (it's a mommy issue thing) so that's why I keep going even though I wanna die lmaooooo.

Haha I am falling in love with my therapist

 

[Smashingairwaves]

I'm still here because I'm waiting for my SN to arrive lmao

I've been depressed for years. I'm currently 20, and have been depressed since I was idk, 12? I started feeling suicidal at 15. I can't keep feeling this way.

I have been here for so long because I had no proper plan, and was lost. Then I found this site. The rest is obvious

 

[Surferonce]

Because I'm scared.

 

[RyanSuicide]

Also how long have you been suicidal and has it gotten any better through the years?

For me it's been about a decade and it gets worse lmao.

I guess number one reason I'm still here is that I'm bad at getting started, understanding, and obtaining the methods. Like I'll read through and be like "duuur is there like, a how to video on this?" So I'll lay down and wither in pain instead of figuring how to get shit done. I wish someone nearby would message me saying they have guns or the materials for CO asap. Would be lit af.

Also I guess because of the people I love and the small speck of hope my excellent therapist gives me.

Oh and SI of course is a bitch.

I'm still here because my depression comes in waves. Sometimes I feel normal and other times I want to die. When I feel low I cannot ctb because of the survival instinct and my family. No amount of medication or therapy have stopped these lows and so in that sense o have not gotten better, after all these years

 

[StreamingMySuicide]

I'm here because... I don't know. I just don't die. I've overdosed on heroin + ketamine and was out for 7 hours.. I had a glasgow coma scale score of 3.. I had a lot of brain damage and much more. I had to relearn to walk. All in all, it took me about 2 weeks to recover back to my old working self. Another attempt was 4-5 hours unconscious from heroin + alcohol. I had a blood alcohol content level of 0.45. I think I should have died both times... I'm sad that I didn't.

 

[Jane Doe]

Tbh laziness

 

[Muri]

I'm still here because of the good times. I also have a bucket list to finish.

 

[Eren]

Basically I'm still alive by (from highest to lowest):

1.- My mother, I feel really guilty for doing that, and I know, it's really my life and I'm the one who decides, but in my case it's inevitable to think about that constantly when I think about CTB.

2.- Survival instinct, rationally/emotionally I want to die, but instead when I do something physically to plan a suicide (see a building to jump from below, go to a store to ask for a good rope, etc.) I feel really weird, as if my whole brain were trying to stop it, an unpleasant sensation, this makes me convince myself that we are really programmed to survive and CTB is like "hacking" that survival instinct, that's why it's so difficult.

3.- I am afraid of failing, of being paralyzed or that they discover me and returning to to a mental hospital, I hate that place.

 

[ForestLove]

Dunno why I'm still here after surviving a life-threatening illness, several Vodka-benzo attempts, partial and night-night method attempts and OD attempt.

I am so determined to leave but yet I'm still here.

Jus let me go already!

 

[Bread]

This question is literally the first thought that pops into my head when I wake up in the morning. Almost every day, I sit there are repeat it over and over, "Why am I still here?" I like to tell myself it's because there's still something I want to do before I die, but a larger part of it is probably that I'm a coward. I really do wonder, how many more years will I go on living needlessly?

 

[HellinHeaven]

I would hurt my mother, because she would have guilt feelings for the rest of her life. And I've still a little bit of hope, that the future is brighter than my past, but on the other hand I've ordered my things so I just need to write a letter to say goodbye and can start my travel whenever I want to. This gives me the opportunity to bear life for a time.

 

[Final Escape]

Because I'm scared.

This is my reason too.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

I'm still working out a few details, like exactly what to say in my note, what note I should have for the police (and what note for my parents), where to put the note so my parents see it (but not before I ctb), etc.

 

[Jai]

Also how long have you been suicidal and has it gotten any better through the years?

For me it's been about a decade and it gets worse lmao.

I guess number one reason I'm still here is that I'm bad at getting started, understanding, and obtaining the methods. Like I'll read through and be like "duuur is there like, a how to video on this?" So I'll lay down and wither in pain instead of figuring how to get shit done. I wish someone nearby would message me saying they have guns or the materials for CO asap. Would be lit af.

Also I guess because of the people I love and the small speck of hope my excellent therapist gives me.

Oh and SI of course is a bitch.

I wish someone an uber away had guns drink drugs or just chat whatever and get this done already

 

[onegoodreason]

Mostly my cat.

Me, too! But having decided to rehome him has lifted that concern from my shoulders. I Love him so much that my intent after I slip out of this earth suit is to go back to the moment I leave him wherever he will be and stay with him through his own transition. It's pretty much the only way I can be okay with leaving him with someone else, knowing he's better off with someone who is happier than me and won't hurt him as I'm afraid I might in a fit of frustration and/or rage (not about him, but some other stupid thing). Then he and I will join my other Angel Babies and go skipping off into the multiverses! Can hardly wait!

But the main reason I'm still here is I don't have the money to buy N, although I'm starting to rethink that method and go with 1,4B. Cheaper and a little easier to acquire, I think? I am eager to die, I truly want to get out of here and go Home at last! Just not till after my Shane joins me, though.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Because of my sister, and because I'm a goddamn coward who can't just end it.

 

[Mecha Man]

I started having suicidal thoughts about two years ago, and I actually attempted too, several months later. Obviously I failed.

So besides that, the reason I'm still here is mostly the lack of having access to a reliable method I feel comfortable with. I'm deathly afraid of failing and being locked in a hospital for god knows how long "for my own safety".

 

[Asianfailure]

Because I failed my genuine attempt at suicide. The time I spent passed out was amazing, it was just black nothingless, an oblivion, no more pain. I was horrified and distraught when I woke up back into this shitty world. I'm going to make sure that the next time this doesn't happen.

 

[Ldog9]

foolishly waiting for some 'perfect' opportunity. trying to reduce the pain i'll cause by ctb as much as i can. family have been dealing with a ton of other issues, didn't want to add more.

also personally have had issues overcoming SI when the rope tightens.

but as more time has gone by, things have become insufferable, i'm at a point where i care less and less about they hows just as long it ends. i've waited to long, should have gotten help ages ago or done the damn thing long ago.

 

[Eren]

I see that a lot of people are still here because they do not want to hurt their family, at least I'm not the only one, it's really hard to think about the suffering of the family afterwards.