Discussion Why are you still alive?

[Jorvak]

It's complicated. The biggest reason is because I am trying to wait until I can do it in a place where I will not be found by someone who knows me. But, I also am trying to bear it as much as I can. It's a delusional hope, but I want someone to save me somehow. So… hopefully someone does so soon.

I've thought about that. While i am not presently in that state of mind, if it came to that, I would want to go into a deep wilderness. I wouldn't mind a mummified corpse of myself being found though, like Otzi the Ice Man. That thought is actually a good barrier to me doing that if i was in that mental state.

huh... one wonders how my above post got flagged for moderator approval. That's strange...

 

[Eudaimonic]

Haven't finished obtaining the necessary supplies, planning, researching, and other preparations

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I've been preparing for the last week, and I keep finding more things to do but at this point I'm just procrastinating. I keep saying tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and it doesn't feel quite right.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I failed a suicide attempt on August 28th, 2023. My family surprised me by not being angry at me for failing (I left gifts and notes so I felt I worried them unnecessarily only to survive.) I realized my death would be a bigger burden to them than dealing with me in a mental health crisis. It changed my mind. To know I wasn't an actual burden was huge!

If I fail to recover, then suicide will be the only option. I kinda doubt it will be. However I still struggle with depression and addiction, so even if I'm not actively suicidal, this forum is the only space wherein I feel I can be honest. Since people don't expect recovery here, I never feel judged. I find in recovery spaces, I can't tell the truth, because people anticipate success so much and view being honest as "toxic". Plus I like talking to people who've been where I've been when I'm on the other side. It's nice to listen and be of service.

 

[Oublivien]

I made a habit to prevent me from killing myself no matter what when I was 13
When I think of committing, it's linked to a memory and a list of 2 reasons why
I remember every time I seriously plan on it

also afterwards, every time I try to think of something I get pushed off of it
for at least a few mins

so my plan was to put myself in a situation where dying would happen no matter what
and maybe something semi-accidental
I was considering some gambling alternatives, but when I think of a gun I get blocked too

 

[loneloser]

im a pussy

 

[2messdup]

Frightened I may feel regret when it's too late to turn back

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I don't have access to firearms and my apartment isn't high enough.

 

[depthss]

right now, just the guilt. i dont want my psychologist to get in trouble, or to be upset. but i think im starting to get over that quite a bit now, and i think ill be able to do it soon

 

[Beeloon]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing

I would have said because of my boyfriend, but now that he broke up with me I don't have a reason anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't give you an answer to your question

 

[slowdance]

I'm afraid of a failed attempt making it impossible to try again

 

[Blueberry Panic]

SI and being saved

 

[unscrewedmoon999]

Because I never had access to a suitably quick and pain-free method, and still don't.

 

[jernmo]

I want to just say I'm a pussy but really I'm afraid of what my family will think

 

[prettyhatemachine]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

Particularly for the reason that I have a fairly strong survival instinct, and whenever there comes an opportunity where I could finally end it all, I simy
decide not to. The process of dying is much scarier than death itself, and I mentally cannot cross that bridge yet. There are a lot of things I have to live for, like pursuing future professions or a family and whatnot, but I'm quite convinced that things won't get better just because I want them to.

Every suicide method Ive had easy access to is usually long and painful, (overdosing, hanging, etc.) and I know I will not be able to endure that pain again, even if it were for death.

 

[waistcoat]

over the past few days i've been reading these responses as they come in.

when i initially posted this question, i was expecting to find something i resonated with, maybe finding my own answer, or at the very least being pushed towards my own answer.

i'm regretful to announce that i haven't. i have nothing tying me to this world other than the fact my heart is still beating. i don't know why i'm still alive.

hell, for all intents and purposes i shouldn't be alive. i've nearly died several times before, a few of my own volition though admittedly most either due to carelessness or circumstances beyond my control.

i don't think i want to be alive. i'm pretty sure i want to die. i think i will soon. definitely within the next 1232 days.

thank you all for your responses, i look forward to seeing more pour in over the next few days :) it seems as though this post gained quite a bit of traction. i hope it helps someone find a reason to stay alive.

 

[aztexi]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

Idk man, everything is perhaps too fked up. It's like living in Auto Pilot mode, when everything around you doesn't matter anymore, so you just live in streamline.

 

[FrenzyReality341]

Just unlucky I guess

 

[OnlyOutcastsMourn]

I simply cannot stand the idea of making people sad, or causing harm, despite how pointless it all is.

It would devastate my mother, and she doesn't deserve that.

I also cannot stand the idea of my two cats being wild and living in hardship, they are too old to be rehomed, and I do not trust strangers to treat them better than I already do.

Once my mother and cats are gone, there is nothing to tether me to this reality.

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

My on again off again friend and fear of the unknown. I hope to get more comfortable with death and ending of a life story so that I can finally give up completely and be allowed to be annihilated or as close to a peaceful version of that as possible.

 

[Adûnâi]

I have 1.5 (or 15 TB) of porn, so I'm waiting for the AGI singularity to have cloud storage cheap enough to upload it and then off myself.

No, but seriously, I've archived 1.5 TB of tumbex blogs since October. It's pitiful, and some had been lost, but some have been preserved.

 

[ctb2soble]

My parents. I don't want them to have to bury their child.

 

[DivineSpark]

Family and friends. I dont want to hurt them. I love them, but I have been in that dark place. That hopelessness, despair and anxiety. I have been struggling for many years. There is little bit of hope things might get better, if miracle happens, thats it. But I dont think things will get better. they have gone worse.

 

[Pryras]

I'd want to die from something terminal so I don't leave the stigma of suicide on my family. Getting morphine and other pain relief in hospice sounds fhn

 

[iamrealandyouarenot]

Im still hoping it'll get better.

 

[grapevoid]

I had a failed attempt so I have been riding out the time, therapy, the programs, waiting for everyone to calm down and forget so I can try again.

 

[a.hamza.13]

Just afraid of what might go wrong.

 

[_void]

My recently adopted stray cat and trying to figure out who could care for her when I go. And also I only just joined this forum yesterday but learned how ineffective my previous methods were and so instead of attempting them, failing and retraumatising people and myself again I am slowly researching and learning the most optimal and painless methods that are obtainable for me.

 

[ilvgore]

stupid survival instinct and still dont have a perfect sucide plan cause my brain went to depression mode so i become lazy with everything

 

[archiveofpain]

I'm waiting for the last straw that pushes me over the edge so I can overcome my SI

Also the delusional hope of someone noticing my pain and always being there, I want someone to make it okay for me because I'm so tired of helping myself out constantly