Discussion What’s your reason for not having CTB’d?

[pedro3211]

For me it's about fear and procrastination I suppose, I don't want to live but can't bring myself to do it. A question I keep finding myself asking is "What's the point in me living?" To which I can't come up with any dignified response. So instead I ask you… What's the point in your living?

 

[Die.A.Ria]

Didnt know how i always wanted to jump but never found a place to do it at but now i want to take SN i only found out about it in march and another reason is my sisters and dad i love them so much

I remember one time my sister thought i was never gonna come back and started crying really bad because she couldnt find me when we were out shopping it was kind of funny but sad at the same time she thought she was never gonna have a sister thats exactly what she said and seeing that made me so upset because im thinking of taking SN and i dont want her to be affected

 

[nocturama]

Mainly, not wanting to hurt some people I think care about me
(oh hey we have the same name)

 

[Tyra]

Timing. Family vacation planned.

I honestly don't know what my SI will be when that's over.

If I'll actually have the courage to go through with it.

I have no idea what it would feel like to have the option to CTB immediately.

I will be getting SN, and my SI is much less with SN than it was with hanging. So it's actually feasible now for me to CTB.

 

[pond]

I'm a complete coward that can't handle any amount of physical pain. Paper cut? That's almost a knife wound in my world. Similar to others, I'm also scared of what it really means to return to the void. Like I'd love to not be able to think or feel anymore but the thought of actually losing my conscious, of not breathing, in real-time involuntarily triggers my SI despite how much I hate my very being. I've had periods of time where I felt it really didn't matter anymore, and that the only thing holding me back was my fear of pain, so that's really the biggest factor. Going peacefully without knowing would be a dream.

To answer the second question, there is absolutely no point in my living. I'm just a product of my parents' sexual activity and am forced to suffer because of it. I have no positives and no presence in this world. My family didn't need to have me and in a parallel universe where I dont exist, they'd probably be fine or better off. My existence isn't only meaningless but stupid.

 

[TAW122]

So many things, and yes, I could have gone earlier, many times (especially in hindsight when I look back in time...) years ago. It was mainly due to deferring things until later, fleeting copes and joy, but then also inopportune times (I am not taking unnecessary risks nor doing things hastily which increases chance of failure), and many more other factors.. But I'm getting closer to the time as my copes have gradually dried up and sentience is ever becoming more and more unbearable, society is becoming more surveilling and Orwellian, etc.

 

[ex_nihilo91]

As much as I hate life, I still fear death, but also I have been unable to find metoclopramide and I don't want to take N without it and risk vomiting

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

Two-fold, I decided I would not while my mom and dad are still alive.

Second, complicated project, like I know this will be, always trip me up. I always make mistake the first time through. Which is terrifying in this context.

I think I have a heart condition that I am leaving unchecked so maybe that will do it.

 

[Zyntkalla]

My reasons is I am a bit afraid of not knowing what happens after losing consciousness. I do have most of my plan worked out it depends on if I am going sooner or later and if I do? It is still hard to decide.If it is sooner I am planning on donating most of my stuff to charity I don't like to waste things that are still useful. If it is later I might have most of the things I want done or all of it. I really don't care if people get hurt because me being gone. Being me is a lot harder then hurting them. And I don't want anyone to know were I am if I go. I just want to disappear without a trace even though it will be hard. And I am still trying to find a place to do it.

 

[KiraNosferatu]

SI is the only reason i'm alive. fuck SI.

 

[itsgone2]

SI and being a coward. I don't understand really. I'm in so much pain each day and yet my brain chooses that.
Although it is difficult. There's no easy way out of this. I hate still being here. So many things could have taken me out by now. Any of us. You see these random deaths every day. Why not us? It comes for us all just get it over with already.

 

[Lamentice]

My chosen method in the past was partial hanging--I failed it, multiple times. Kind of tried to recover for a while, but now I've chosen to buy a gun. I'm not really entirely committed to any strict plan or timeline this time, but I will be buying a gun after this year & I don't expect 2027 to be a turn around for me.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Two-fold, I decided I would not while my mom and dad are still alive.

Second, complicated project, like I know this will be, always trip me up. I always make mistake the first time through. Which is terrifying in this context.

I think I have a heart condition that I am leaving unchecked so maybe that will do it.

how do you get that little bar with more text under your posts? what is it?

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

how do you get that little bar with more text under your posts? what is it?

This? :
"For a man who is alone, a name written by a woman is a great thing. It is a sign. He did not know who had written it, but he knew it was she. He went away, his heart filled with a strange, sweet emotion."

It's a signature, you can add it in your profile: Click your profile picture in the top right corner and then click on 'signature'

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

This? :
"For a man who is alone, a name written by a woman is a great thing. It is a sign. He did not know who had written it, but he knew it was she. He went away, his heart filled with a strange, sweet emotion."

It's a signature, you can add it in your profile.

oh, cool! thanks for telling me.

 

[pedro3211]

As much as I hate life, I still fear death, but also I have been unable to find metoclopramide and I don't want to take N without it and risk vomiting

I thought N was practically impossible to get?

 

[darksouls]

afraid of afterlife / reincarnation

 

[soributton]

I also procrastinate a lot. And when I do try, I can never get the method quite right.

I don't really understand why I procrastinate. There's nothing I want more than to just get away from this world. It's probably the same reason I procrastinate every other thing in my life.

 

[ex_nihilo91]

I thought N was practically impossible to get?

It's from like 2021 or 2022

 

[korchoi]

Out of a hope that I might perhaps die of natural causes, and because of the worry over whether I could handle the process of dying.

 

[csites]

I think for me its the fear of death (not of dying, I'm pretty sure I can make it almost painless, just of what will come after), and pure survival instinct that I have yet to try out more ways to overcome.
I'm also not planning to ctb in the near near future considering theres a holiday I'm really looking forward to, but afterwards it might be it if i can overcome my fears.
I don't really see a rational point in me living, I'm a burden on my family and the world and it's only going to get worse with time. My friends would be distraught but I'd hope they'd be okay without me considering they're all online friends.

 

[FuneralCry]

I only continue to suffer as a result of existing in this horrific world where humans have made it a crime to peacefully cease existing with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what.

Forcing humans to suffer is such a terrible crime that only ever causes way more torture in this existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel and I just always suffer so much from peaceful death being so cruelly made inaccessible by humans who want others to suffer for as long as possible in this existence I just always saw as the most terrible, dreadful mistake in the first place, to suffer in this existence will always be an abomination to me, it's just so terrible how this existence was even imposed at all.

 

[MrDarkness]

Scared of death and worried id be punished after death, or just existing in a permanent void while being alive. I know both might not happen due to my religious beliefs but it still scares me from time to time, but my meds help me calm down and prevent myself from attempting, there is that

 

[valar_morghulis21]

For me it's about fear and procrastination I suppose, I don't want to live but can't bring myself to do it. A question I keep finding myself asking is "What's the point in me living?" To which I can't come up with any dignified response. So instead I ask you… What's the point in your living?

My mom. I don't really care for my dad and my sister. After she dies there's nothing holds me back anymore. I'm already a walking corpse with a rotten soul, but I can't do that to her right now. She financially supports me and that's the only reason I'm not homeless and starving to death

 

[Mistergeburt]

When I was young I thought about it a lot, but I didn't do it because I'm too much of a dreamer. But then I wasn't afraid that anyone would miss me etc. because I convinced myself that nobody even cares if I'm gone. I've thought of so many ways, but retrospectively they wouldn't have worked as I didn't have access to the resources (as a teenager) I have now. Thought of jumping, CO and shooting myself, but of course I'd need to get on a large enough building, acquire CO or a gun which is hardly possible, even now as an adult.

Now I'm afraid of physical pain and hurting my girlfriend and others. Dreaming of SN or CO, but have no way of actually getting it. And other ways seem too dangerous or SI would be too high or are equally as hard to achieve.

I'm basically just a dreamer and always have been.

 

[Sicherung231]

Of all possible thinks right now:

Stocks

The SN is in my storage rn and I could do it whenever I want to but there's my choice paralysis.

So I've decided gotta need 1 last thing before bc I felt like getting the SN was so easy and fast (for me) so I e decided to invest money into random stocks left and right like Wallstreetbets.

Let's see how this goes, a little feeling of being small rich before all the cash burns away would be a funny feeling you can only experience once anyways.

 

[Thanatos.br]

Mom (and nephew) would be sad.

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

SI makes me freeze. I can't even touch the rope on most days. And if I do put the noose on and let go, I get terrified after only 3 seconds. I hate it. Why the fuck do I have to exist??

 

[ugulamugula]

My Cats

 

[Anura]

I also procrastinate a lot. And when I do try, I can never get the method quite right.

I don't really understand why I procrastinate. There's nothing I want more than to just get away from this world. It's probably the same reason I procrastinate every other thing in my life.

this is exactly how I feel. all i want is to have a break from it all, but I cant manage anything properly, least of all a ctb plan