Why are you still alive?

[Azazel]

I'm alive because I like living, even if it's painful, even if it hurts. I've come to like this pain. I know that someday I'll kill myself, maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be in a few years. But still I want to be alive for as much time as I'm mentally able to

 

[TAW122]

I am still alive because there are times where I would have made a decision to die and decided to live certain moments as if it were my last. I was waiting on a perfect catalyst (the final straw) and fortunately (or unfortunately) enough, it didn't come or somehow at the very critical times, things worked out and I made a recovery. I would say I'm in a limbo state currently, so if there is something that pushes me to the edge, it won't be long before I CTB.

For example, a few months ago in March, I told myself if things go to shit on my travels (didn't go to plan or didn't achieve what I was seeking for), then I would CTB by end of May 2019. Luckily, things went well (even better than I had hoped for), thus allowing me to make a recovery for the time being. I cannot say what the future will be like, perhaps I may improve even more, or make a turn for the worst. At any rate, I don't want it to be seen as I CTB'd impulsively, because I have always been on the verge of suicide, just not actively all the time, mostly passive.

 

[dandan]

+ I only have this life and my perception of life keeps changing.
+I don't know what it is in my head... it's a nightmare sometimes, well, for years, but next to suicidal thoughts I also have hope/mental clarity from time to time.
+ Knowing I will cause so much pain to my family stops me too.
+And I'm afraid of fucking up my attempt and ending up in even worse condition.

I can say that I share the exact same thoughts today.

+ Now that I have N, Nitrogen, and Sodium Cyanide I am trying to find a way to live.

I could've written the same exact four ideas above of why I havent killed myself.

 

[Ladylethal]

Because I'm waiting for my backup plan to come in the mail. I'm so excited to die.

 

[Crematedashes]

Lots of reasons. But I'll be dead in less than 30 hours from now. Possibly even 24 hours from now. Hopefully. Unless they SI decides to be a bitch.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I'm a coward and I'm lazy. Both why I'm suicidal and why I'm still alive.

 

[Roger]

O

Lots of reasons. But I'll be dead in less than 30 hours from now. Possibly even 24 hours from now. Hopefully. Unless they SI decides to be a bitch.

Are you serious ?
What method ?

 

[pane]

I'm a coward and I'm lazy. Both why I'm suicidal and why I'm still alive.

Painfully, cuttingly accurate.....

 

[secoma]

I have prepared all materials needed for CTB on my hand. Biggest issuie for me is in any ODB method you have to withdraw bezonziazephine or something related to make cross-torelance for a least a few weeks.
But I can't do this yest. It's so hard. Even one night, I cant's sleep without benzo. I don't think I'm a junky I just take normal dosage allday, and my torelance to them are not to much, I guess.

 

[jlshghr]

I'm still alive because I was too scared to hang myself. Today I'm happy I didn't do it but it took me months to get to that point... I take seroquel, aurorix, and abilify.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't know. I'm trying to give my girlfriend a baby but times running out. I'm trying to help people but I can't even help myself. I've been working on a playlist to post on youtube but it'll never be perfect and finally I haven't made the necessary effort

 

[Alucard]

Because I have not yet received the antiemetics that go with the nembutal, lol.

No, seriously, because I would like to live some experiences before I die. Will society let me live them ? That is the question...

 

[NextBusLeaving]

Still making final plans and paying for things so my last wishes are met.

 

[Crematedashes]

O

Are you serious ?
What method ?

Exit bag. I have a hotel booked and all the materials. I made a backup bag and will make the other one there so to try and prevent leaks. I also have a wrench to tighten the regulator on the tank.

 

[Snake]

Because I want and like to live, but I'm suffering from PSSD...

 

[JWL]

I'm alive because I like living, even if it's painful, even if it hurts. I've come to like this pain. I know that someday I'll kill myself, maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be in a few years. But still I want to be alive for as much time as I'm mentally able to

I can understand that. It sounds perverse, but there's something in it.

 

[lizinha]

Idk honestly. Theres not a single thing to hold onto. so lack of courage is the only reason I'm still alive

 

[NextBusLeaving]

I have kids and my parents I don't want to disappoint. Wife plans to steal most of that in a divorce.

 

[not_a_robot]

I'm still alive because it's sunny again today.
It's a stupid reason, but I love sunlight that much. Basking in it. Laying in it. Soaking it in. People have joked that I am a plant.

A few things keep me here, but overwhelmingly, it is sunlight. Nature. Animals. Things I'm allergic to but still find magical.

Sunlight is one of the biggest things pushing me to ctb. I have always despised it and it gets harder to tolerate as I get older, I just hate it so fucking much. I stay inside as much as I can, sunscreen feels like poison, I hate the world.
Lightning, moonlight, and fairylights are the only acceptable light. All other light makes me want to ctb.

 

[Lush_nova]

im alive still due to my husband expecting me to CTB. Im alive due to fearing leaving the home and being stopped before I get to where I want to be to be able to CTB (It works out 3 hours min to get there. for me public transport yet if i had a car id be there in 20 mins.
im stil alive as i have mini humans... i worry if i CTB my husband will lose them to social services. i am not fit to be a mum but i could never put him through that. BUT i have plans...^
that is all

 

[Dartz]

Laziness and apathy mostly

 

[AtomicNewt]

Laziness and apathy mostly

Aye. Coincidentally amongst two of the biggest reasons need to exit my existence

 

[Gavr1212]

I have come to the conclusion that life is absurd and I don't want to continue it, but survival instincts and emotional thoughts of hurting others has kept me too afraid of going through with it. I am trying to find someone to catch the bus with me, I may have found them here. Just need to get some stuff in order and hopefully we can make it happen together.

 

[Dartz]

Aye. Coincidentally amongst two of the biggest reasons need to exit my existence

The reason to leave, the cause of staying

 

[thesongbird]

Kind of want to see our society collapse, lots of climate change talk leads to the conclusion it will happen in my lifetime.

 

[JWL]

Kind of want to see our society collapse, lots of climate change talk leads to the conclusion it will happen in my lifetime.

Just a few weeks to go until Buffoon Johnson takes over as PM from Terrible Theresa.

Get your ctb kit ready...

 

[not_a_robot]

I have come to the conclusion that life is absurd and I don't want to continue it, but survival instincts and emotional thoughts of hurting others has kept me too afraid of going through with it. I am trying to find someone to catch the bus with me, I may have found them here. Just need to get some stuff in order and hopefully we can make it happen together.

Partnering up in your first week? Kinda slutty. Aren't you worried about getting a reputation for being an "easy" suicide partner?

/kidding, good luck.

 

[dandan]

Partnering up in your first week? Kinda slutty. Aren't you worried about getting a reputation for being an "easy" suicide partner?

/kidding, good luck.

hahaha please enjoy, im hooking up with a girl from Tinder , and its kind of cool and cute, but she doesnt know im suicidal and heavily disturbed hahahaha
she says she really like me.... awww and i like her too actually , we laugh a lot, but she caught me in a good mood, plus I do want nice sex with a woman of my liking
just my own current thought

 

[tomz323]

Well, for me at least I'm still hoping it'll get better...

 

[Theon]

I'm still alive because I haven't gotten my stuff in the mail yet.