Venting i hate being alive and i hate myself

[100memoryleaks]

just another stupid vent post from me.

i can't take another day of this. the fact that i'm still alive and functioning doesn't mean shit. i'm only doing the bare minimum i have to do. eat, work, sleep.

i woke up with a sour, sore throat from acid reflux triggered by all the ice cream and sweets i had yesterday. because i'm fucking disgusting and trying to use food to distract myself because i literally can't get myself to do anything else.

i ordered the rope, it's coming on saturday. but i remembered i wanted to buy a new toy for my dog so i bought that too. dogs are innocent creatures after all. he's a good boy.

my mom's birthday is on sunday. i hope she doesn't remember it in a bad way if i ctb just a few days after. just one more week of misery. but maybe if i remind myself about the rope arriving soon, i'll feel better. just a bit longer.

 

[Canto XIII]

because i'm fucking disgusting and trying to use food to distract myself because i literally can't get myself to do anything else.

Relatable. I think it's pretty normal to default to primary pleasures like eating when any other pleasure seems unreachable.

 

[lohre2000s]

beautiful tomoko picture. I miss watching Clannad - probably one of the most beautiful anime out there

 

[I Finally Rest]

just another stupid vent post from me.

i can't take another day of this. the fact that i'm still alive and functioning doesn't mean shit. i'm only doing the bare minimum i have to do. eat, work, sleep.

i woke up with a sour, sore throat from acid reflux triggered by all the ice cream and sweets i had yesterday. because i'm fucking disgusting and trying to use food to distract myself because i literally can't get myself to do anything else.

i ordered the rope, it's coming on saturday. but i remembered i wanted to buy a new toy for my dog so i bought that too. dogs are innocent creatures after all. he's a good boy.

my mom's birthday is on sunday. i hope she doesn't remember it in a bad way if i ctb just a few days after. just one more week of misery. but maybe if i remind myself about the rope arriving soon, i'll feel better. just a bit longer.

i am jumping off the bridge soon. what i was going to do and suggest is to write a suicide note and let your parents know, well your mom that you only mention in this post is to not worry and nothing is her fault, let her know she couldnt do anything to help and that she couldnt do anything to help, in my case no anti-psychotics help and can do anything for me. my mom and parents think its their fault for my state of mind and thats not the case at. so i will explain everything in my note why anything they ever thought is not true. i have schizophrenia and it can not be cured or go away. my voices deprive me of sleep and take my kindness as a way to get deeper into my mind and manipulate me. i cant escape and this is my last hope. i am finally going to be free and i believe in the after life after hearing and watching plenty of NDE videos on Youtube. i am ready and i will finally be free.