Discussion Why are you here/What is your problem?

[The Disqualified]

Why are you on this site? Lurking among the suicidal and the rejects? What is wrong?
In my case a lot of things, mainly social anxiety, depression and its consequences.
Feel free to write something specific if you wish.

 

[Pepper]

Mental illness caused by abuse/trauma, and physical illness that is contributing to financial problems (at the moment).

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Voted for everything but physical illness. I've lived an awful life and I'm in absolute horror of myself. I seem to be stuck at "cognitive deconstruction." The impulsivity and pain tolerance to take my life isn't there so I rot and post here.

Easiest place in the world to get a gun and I'm too afraid to do it. My only relief is thinking of partial hanging but that shit just doesn't work. Except for celebrities. That's giving me hope right now.

 

[Cyc]

Trauma from being sexually abused from the ages of 10-13, growing up with emotionally abusive parents and a physically abusive depressed and suicidal mother, being a carer for my grandparent and younger sibling, being diagnosed and living with depression, unmedicated adhd, autism, chronic migraines, severe anaemia and random joint pain, being in an abusive relationship for over a year where i got raped and SA'd multiple times and my life was basically monitored 24/7, as well as being SA'd multiple times by other people since then and getting choked by my last ex boyfriend when he was drunk

 

[ewlife]

Never ending cyclical depression. Yes it gets better, but it always gets worse again.

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 9 years old and mental illness has ruined me in more ways I ever thought possible. All my other reasons, they're mostly just me understanding the deeper meaning to my own decision, the one I made so long ago.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me existence itself is the true problem and it's just so terrible how humans cause all this harm, suffering and torture by imposing this existence at all with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, in this existence so dreadful and cruel non-existence is just all I see as positive, existence to me is just the most dreadful, terrible mistake that just tortures existing beings and for me every second is torture to exist.

To me existence is the most torturous deeply undesirable abomination that just causes harm and for me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to finally find peace from the pain, cruelty and suffering of existing, I just want this existence to be all gone, forgotten and erased for me. I just find it horrific how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to be tortured by old age, to me existence could never be worth it rather all I want is to erase this existence, I want it to be like I never suffered at all, to me the existence of life will always be the most terrible devastating tragedy.

 

[isthisit?]

I used to plan my ctb here. Life got better for me and now I just lurk here and check up on my friend here.

 

[Razboinik]

Philosophical/existential. All my life i was rebelious, class clown, lived for the thrill of risks. I then one day found out too early in my youth the depressing reality that was awaiting me after i would be finishing middle school. I was never good at school let alone interested. I was a rogue free spirit at heart.

This of course lead to depression, i became distant from my friends. I turned from the class clown to the silent kid. I got so much shit from my teachers telling me how serious my situation is and that i'm failing. It felt like they were proud of finally putting me in my place.

I said fuck em and quit middle school. This entered the darkest period of my life, and i knew it was either death or to try. So after a few years of dwelling in my bedroom all day and going through pure mental agony, i did it. i went against my nature, and suffered through 3 more years of high school while getting bullied because i was trying to make a future for myself.

After that, leading to my current status i became an apprentice as a railway electrician. I wanted to move out ASAP, afterall i'm independent at heart. I didn't want to spend one more year being bossed around at the school bench.

Turns out i entered a door with only one knob. I didn't think this far ahead. Apparently I hate working here. I hate the people, and i hate the work. But it's too late now i picked a path and there is no return, and no future.

Now i feel angry. I feel scammed, and i regret not killing myself in middle school. All that unneccessary pain could've been avoided. Call me lazy, but i'm no slave.

 

[darksouls]

isolation, I have no social contacts, plan my exit in the near future, still looking for a compatible ctb partner

 

[Passenger4224]

Here because I am getting ready for my exit. Of anyone in the world I could have been, why do I have to be me? I don't want to live knowing I was born to be such a loser.

And the world really sucks too.

And I will never be able to fall in love / get married because I was born in the wrong body. No point in living if I'm going to be single forever.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

I've always been pretty depressive and avoidant, and I do that thing where I get these waves of depression and self-isolate because I don't feel it's safe or fair to burden anyone I know about it (especially considering I don't really want/need/can use actual solutions, I just feel like crap most of the time).
Recently I've been on a real bad outage where ctb has been the one and only thing I could think on, which, combined with anxiety about being seen as "suicidal" by people irl, has kinda pushed me into a pit I'm struggling to climb out of.
Camus had a good point in my mind, where we can acknowledge that to live is to suffer, but that just makes for a reason to collaborate against the absurd world out of a sense of comradery. The experiences and feelings I'm reading here make me feel just a little more human, which is a bit of a new concept for me; but for once I'm feeling the freedom of not having to hide my outlook as hard as possible whenever I speak.

 

[Defenestration]

Mental illness

 

[Spectre2]

Searching for suicide methods

 

[Defenestration]

Recherche de méthodes de suicide

Yes the same thing...but its hard