Venting Why am I so worthless and a loser

[ArtPendragon13]

I'm 19 years old and I don't know why I'm such a loser. I don't know what to do with my life, I'm going to college, but I feel that I wouldn't feel fulfilled in my career or any other. I have no friends, I got so used to being alone that I self isolate on habit, my family sometimes complains about how lazy, worthless, and what a bad person I am. I'm chopped, and my mental state is in rapid decline, I feel as if nobody cares about me, and I just want it all to end.

 

[LastNite]

Same here. It's really rough. I personally dont know where Im heading. I hope for you it's different. Im lowkey just fucking living it out no clue if I'll ever be happy or end up killing myself. Also dont degrade yourself it really makes things feel worse than they are. Your value is the same as any living person on earth compared to some it's probably even more valuable.

 

[Hime]

Yeah I'm also in the boat of just existing. Just letting life carry me wherever it pleases. So far... Nothing is really selling me on this. How long do I need to deal with this "motion sickness on this boat" before we get to our happy destination making it all worth it?

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Does anyone know what to do with their lives at 19? I doubt it. You can't be a loser if you're going to college. It shows that you are doing something, and it may just open doors for you which are closed at the moment. Sorry you feel this way, I hope you can give it some time, and don't be so hard on yourself. Sending hugs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Is it really being a loser- wondering whether a career or job will fulfil your needs?

I suppose I struggle with the mental gymnastics of it all. I had a very strong work ethic grilled into me. So, I've always felt guilty I wasn't doing enough. Even when I was and am working.

My upbringing took a hold with regards to working although- I did at least pursue a career I had a genuine interest in. I have let other things slip though. People would be horrified and appalled if they saw my living environment.

I do envy NEETS if I'm honest. Even if I know I probably shouldn't. They may well have genuine reasons as to why they can't work. Plus, some would genuinely like to but, can't. I think some don't want to work because they're afraid to though. They can also predict what it will do to negatively impact their mental and physical health. That's where my envy comes in I suppose. I think it's the reality that a lot of people fear and experience those things but maybe don't feel like they have so much of a choice.

I suppose though- at the same time, I have a begrudging admiration for people who refuse to work. Why should we comply to other's expectations of us? Especially if we can't find anything we value or find meaning in? It does effectively mean we were born here in order to wage slave. Which I don't think is even fair in the first place. So, how 'bad' is it really- to refuse to comply? I'm not sure really.

I don't actually think either is necessarily an easy option either. We either submit ourselves to exhausting and stressful wage slavery. Or, we shoulder the disappointment, criticism and guilt trips from our families that we are a burden on them. Plus, the social disapproval from society.

It often just felt like doing the lessor of the evils for me. My family managed to instil a huge guilt monster inside of me. I feel like I can't CTB while they are alive and, I need to pay for the life I don't even want! Ridiculous actually- when you really consider it.

Do you want to socialise? Do you think not doing so is negatively impacting you? Again, I'm not so sure we always should comply with what is considered good for us. I'm not sure that it's being isolated that is a problem for me- although, I am too. There again, it's widely acknowledged to be unhealthy. I think it certainly contributes to social anxiety in future situations. I absolutely let social anxiety hold me back in life.

 

[Hystearical]

Would you consider going to your school's counseling services? Is there anyone you can talk to in general?

 

[ArtPendragon13]

Would you consider going to your school's counseling services? Is there anyone you can talk to in general?

I have thought, about going but, I don't trust them or feel comfortable, and no I don't have anyone talk too, well in irl.

 

[Seneca65AD]

19? And feel like a loser? I can relate - but then I also felt like a loser at 23, and at 26, 28, 30, 32, 35, 38.............59, and at age 60. I took a year off from university and worked construction, bounced at a local bar, and drove truck. After a year, I felt that I knew what I wanted and started working towards it. It did not mean there weren't struggles or failures (lots of failures), but I just kept going. Eventually I made it to where society would consider me a "success" by finanical standards. I still think about CTB but now I have decades of experience behind me to say that things did get better. At least now one has the internet and sites like SaSu. No matter how many therapists I saw over my lifetime- and I tried dozens - not one allowed me to open up like I can on this anonymous suicide discussion board.

And to be clear, I sort of found myself after a year off, but if it takes others more years, so what? Everyone has a different path. I was never going to be the boy wonder of anything but I am easing into the role of senior statesmen in my profession. Hell, that just means mere survival can lead to success. Look, my opinion is not woth anything, but I believe that that the mere fact you are asking yourself these questions proves to me that you can find the answers. You may just need some time away for the "noise" of life and responsilibity to hear those answers.