such a fucking loser

[parabellum_]

ive spent most of my life feeling like i dont need friends and all people do is hurt me all the time. so i spent most of my childhood and highschool years barely having friends (only acquaintances that i wasnt close with), and being an absolute nobody in school. it never bothered me that much but i feel like this habit has caught up to me now. nobody knows anything about me because im so afraid of opening up my heart. i just keep getting hurt by myself. im not made for people.

everybody is out hanging out with friends and partners and im just alone trying to ctb or doing sh. such a fucking loser. its my fault too because i hate going out anyways and whenever somebody tries to get close i just hurt them because i keep pushing them away. at least they end up hating me more than missing me which is probably better. i also grew up in a dismissive household so i hate my parents too. i have nobody and i hate that i prefer it this way. but at the same time i wish i wasn't like this. i convinced myself im not lonely and im just enjoying my time being alone but idk. i feel super lonely when im out in big crowds and groups. i live right next to a large city which just exacerbates this feeling. i feel like im completely lost, like physically im right next to people all the time but my mind is on an island far away.

what is wrong with me. i hate myself so much. i wish i wasn't me. wish i was just dead already so i dont need to deal with this bs or anything at all.

 

[FrostNova]

I don't have anyone either, and as someone that invested a lot of time in "friendships" in school acting like a therapist and constantly being there for everyone that I thought was "important" to me, not a single one of them was ever there in my time of need. Including people that I met in childhood. I still remember this even though more than a decade has past. From my experience, you can not count on anyone except for yourself. I'm sorry.

 

[fleurdelune]

hey,

i'm sorry you're feeling so shitty. i'm kind of in a similar-ish situation to you and it is lonely indeed :(( i see normal people with friends and deep interpersonal relationships and i have none of that. i went from being sad about not having friends in elementary and middle school to not wanting friends and now i'm in this weird in-between state of wanting and not wanting people around, kind of like what you describe. the closest thing i have to the sort of relationship that i long for right now is with my therapist, but i can't even open up as much with her as i would like lest i have an ambulance called on me... but i think it helps at least a little bit. i guess my unsolicited recommendation for you is to seek therapy if you haven't already. i'm sorry if that's obnoxious of me ;_;

at least we have this forum, right? idk. point is that i feel you and i hope the pain goes away one way or another

 

[parabellum_]

hey,

i'm sorry you're feeling so shitty. i'm kind of in a similar-ish situation to you and it is lonely indeed :(( i see normal people with friends and deep interpersonal relationships and i have none of that. i went from being sad about not having friends in elementary and middle school to not wanting friends and now i'm in this weird in-between state of wanting and not wanting people around, kind of like what you describe. the closest thing i have to the sort of relationship that i long for right now is with my therapist, but i can't even open up as much with her as i would like lest i have an ambulance called on me... but i think it helps at least a little bit. i guess my unsolicited recommendation for you is to seek therapy if you haven't already. i'm sorry if that's obnoxious of me ;_;

at least we have this forum, right? idk. point is that i feel you and i hope the pain goes away one way or another

oh god we are scarily similar. i might try therapy but idk how much i can open up to them as well. i hope you can find a way to open up your heart to people