lokabe82
To infinity and beyond
- Jun 16, 2023
- 153
Since this is my first post, I figured I should start by telling everyone a bit about my story and why I am here. I won't go into full detail as I don't want to take up too much of anyone's time.
I've been dancing with suicide for about 14 years now. That's exactly half of my life. After years of half-assed, spontaneous attempts, it feels like everything has come to a head. To preface this, I'm not close to any of my family anymore. The only people I have are my partner and his mom.
My partner and I have been together on and off for 10 years. However, every year he leaves me. When we get back together, I always think that things have changed. We understand each other better, and we are able to communicate more effectively. Or so I always think. Whenever I'm with him, I just get so overjoyed. Until he leaves again.
One year, he started seeing a woman who turned out to relentlessly stalk us. After months of us trying to fight her off in court, he chooses her. For the first time I thought enough was enough and I moved out of our condo the next day without a place to go. I spent 3 years "moving on with my life." I was able to move on from him but my life was still going nowhere. Fast forward to now and I ended up moving back in with him. "This time it's for real" I thought. I was so happy to be able to start a life and have my own sense of family.
4 months after moving back in with him, he leaves me again. This time, all of the pent up trauma from the past came rushing back. I got drunk, i threw things, screamed, broke things. I know that was terrible of me and I should not expect forgiveness for those actions. I'm left with no one but him and his family and no where to go even if I wanted to leave. I'm just so exhausted and I now know that I am just not meant to have the love and support a family has to offer. I feel so worthless and not good enough.
For now I am just passing my time. Mostly with him, but also doing small things to make the little time I have left feel a little less empty.
Thank you for reading.
I've been dancing with suicide for about 14 years now. That's exactly half of my life. After years of half-assed, spontaneous attempts, it feels like everything has come to a head. To preface this, I'm not close to any of my family anymore. The only people I have are my partner and his mom.
My partner and I have been together on and off for 10 years. However, every year he leaves me. When we get back together, I always think that things have changed. We understand each other better, and we are able to communicate more effectively. Or so I always think. Whenever I'm with him, I just get so overjoyed. Until he leaves again.
One year, he started seeing a woman who turned out to relentlessly stalk us. After months of us trying to fight her off in court, he chooses her. For the first time I thought enough was enough and I moved out of our condo the next day without a place to go. I spent 3 years "moving on with my life." I was able to move on from him but my life was still going nowhere. Fast forward to now and I ended up moving back in with him. "This time it's for real" I thought. I was so happy to be able to start a life and have my own sense of family.
4 months after moving back in with him, he leaves me again. This time, all of the pent up trauma from the past came rushing back. I got drunk, i threw things, screamed, broke things. I know that was terrible of me and I should not expect forgiveness for those actions. I'm left with no one but him and his family and no where to go even if I wanted to leave. I'm just so exhausted and I now know that I am just not meant to have the love and support a family has to offer. I feel so worthless and not good enough.
For now I am just passing my time. Mostly with him, but also doing small things to make the little time I have left feel a little less empty.
Thank you for reading.
