Venting Why am I here?

[lokabe82]

Since this is my first post, I figured I should start by telling everyone a bit about my story and why I am here. I won't go into full detail as I don't want to take up too much of anyone's time.

I've been dancing with suicide for about 14 years now. That's exactly half of my life. After years of half-assed, spontaneous attempts, it feels like everything has come to a head. To preface this, I'm not close to any of my family anymore. The only people I have are my partner and his mom.

My partner and I have been together on and off for 10 years. However, every year he leaves me. When we get back together, I always think that things have changed. We understand each other better, and we are able to communicate more effectively. Or so I always think. Whenever I'm with him, I just get so overjoyed. Until he leaves again.

One year, he started seeing a woman who turned out to relentlessly stalk us. After months of us trying to fight her off in court, he chooses her. For the first time I thought enough was enough and I moved out of our condo the next day without a place to go. I spent 3 years "moving on with my life." I was able to move on from him but my life was still going nowhere. Fast forward to now and I ended up moving back in with him. "This time it's for real" I thought. I was so happy to be able to start a life and have my own sense of family.

4 months after moving back in with him, he leaves me again. This time, all of the pent up trauma from the past came rushing back. I got drunk, i threw things, screamed, broke things. I know that was terrible of me and I should not expect forgiveness for those actions. I'm left with no one but him and his family and no where to go even if I wanted to leave. I'm just so exhausted and I now know that I am just not meant to have the love and support a family has to offer. I feel so worthless and not good enough.

For now I am just passing my time. Mostly with him, but also doing small things to make the little time I have left feel a little less empty.

Thank you for reading.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time too. I think we might be around the same age.

I'm sorry what he has put you through, you deserve so much better. I wish you all the peace this world can offer.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must had been so awful and tiring what you've had to endure, it's horrible how humans just create more suffering, you certainly cannot trust and rely on people like that. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lokabe82]

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time too. I think we might be around the same age.

I'm sorry what he has put you through, you deserve so much better. I wish you all the peace this world can offer.

I'm sorry that you have been going through that for so long. It's awful.

Thank you for the kind words though. It does mean a lot.

It must had been so awful and tiring what you've had to endure, it's horrible how humans just create more suffering, you certainly cannot trust and rely on people like that. But anyway I wish you the best.

I must say it has been. I am so exhausted. Some people just don't care how others suffer. But thank you! I wish you the best as well.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It sounds like you were perfectly justified in shouting and breaking things. Why should you have to put up with that behaviour? I really hate it when people knowingly hurt others. I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope you can find some comfort here.

 

[lokabe82]

It sounds like you were perfectly justified in shouting and breaking things. Why should you have to put up with that behaviour? I really hate it when people knowingly hurt others. I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope you can find some comfort here.

I definitely felt justified at the time. I was so hurt in the moment and I snapped. I appreciate it though. You all are very kind

 

[cami]

he doesn't sound like a good partner. it sounds like you do love him but maybe that love shouldn't be unconditional. you deserve someone who cares about you every second of every day.

 

[MrDarkness]

I've had thoughts since I was 14 also, my past is fucked in a way. I'll try to keep kicking for as long as I can, I hope you can find someone who can love you and leave you, I hate how people have been thrown away by others. I hope you can find peace in life or death

 

[lokabe82]

he doesn't sound like a good partner. it sounds like you do love him but maybe that love shouldn't be unconditional. you deserve someone who cares about you every second of every day.

I think you're right. He isn't the reason why I'm feeling what I'm feeling but this is definitely the straw that broke the camels back. It would be so nice to know what love like that feels like

 

[The anhedonic one]

I keep myself well away from any kind of relationship nowadays.
I grew tired long ago of being emotionally battered by the hurt caused to me by people who were supposed to love me.

 

[Darkover]

you've still got the best and worst day yet still to come the good and bad news is nothing last forever except maybe death

 

[whatevs]

It's crazy the things we endure just to not be alone. What he does to you must've ravaged your self esteem...

 

[kitbarks]

Since this is my first post, I figured I should start by telling everyone a bit about my story and why I am here. I won't go into full detail as I don't want to take up too much of anyone's time.

I've been dancing with suicide for about 14 years now. That's exactly half of my life. After years of half-assed, spontaneous attempts, it feels like everything has come to a head. To preface this, I'm not close to any of my family anymore. The only people I have are my partner and his mom.

My partner and I have been together on and off for 10 years. However, every year he leaves me. When we get back together, I always think that things have changed. We understand each other better, and we are able to communicate more effectively. Or so I always think. Whenever I'm with him, I just get so overjoyed. Until he leaves again.

One year, he started seeing a woman who turned out to relentlessly stalk us. After months of us trying to fight her off in court, he chooses her. For the first time I thought enough was enough and I moved out of our condo the next day without a place to go. I spent 3 years "moving on with my life." I was able to move on from him but my life was still going nowhere. Fast forward to now and I ended up moving back in with him. "This time it's for real" I thought. I was so happy to be able to start a life and have my own sense of family.

4 months after moving back in with him, he leaves me again. This time, all of the pent up trauma from the past came rushing back. I got drunk, i threw things, screamed, broke things. I know that was terrible of me and I should not expect forgiveness for those actions. I'm left with no one but him and his family and no where to go even if I wanted to leave. I'm just so exhausted and I now know that I am just not meant to have the love and support a family has to offer. I feel so worthless and not good enough.

For now I am just passing my time. Mostly with him, but also doing small things to make the little time I have left feel a little less empty.

Thank you for reading.

Since this is my first post, I figured I should start by telling everyone a bit about my story and why I am here. I won't go into full detail as I don't want to take up too much of anyone's time.

I've been dancing with suicide for about 14 years now. That's exactly half of my life. After years of half-assed, spontaneous attempts, it feels like everything has come to a head. To preface this, I'm not close to any of my family anymore. The only people I have are my partner and his mom.

My partner and I have been together on and off for 10 years. However, every year he leaves me. When we get back together, I always think that things have changed. We understand each other better, and we are able to communicate more effectively. Or so I always think. Whenever I'm with him, I just get so overjoyed. Until he leaves again.

One year, he started seeing a woman who turned out to relentlessly stalk us. After months of us trying to fight her off in court, he chooses her. For the first time I thought enough was enough and I moved out of our condo the next day without a place to go. I spent 3 years "moving on with my life." I was able to move on from him but my life was still going nowhere. Fast forward to now and I ended up moving back in with him. "This time it's for real" I thought. I was so happy to be able to start a life and have my own sense of family.

4 months after moving back in with him, he leaves me again. This time, all of the pent up trauma from the past came rushing back. I got drunk, i threw things, screamed, broke things. I know that was terrible of me and I should not expect forgiveness for those actions. I'm left with no one but him and his family and no where to go even if I wanted to leave. I'm just so exhausted and I now know that I am just not meant to have the love and support a family has to offer. I feel so worthless and not good enough.

For now I am just passing my time. Mostly with him, but also doing small things to make the little time I have left feel a little less empty.

Thank you for reading.

really sucks when the only person in your life that makes you happy, is a shitty person, its been 2 years since i spoke to someone that i consider one of my best friends, she was really shitty,but i still think about her, its a painful process, there many times when i was at my lowest and wanted to talk to her, but knew i couldnt, if i have to give one advice is, slowly, try to look for hapiness in other things or people.