why am i even suicidal?

[wherearewenow]

i don't know why i'm suicidal. ever since before 10 years old i was suicidal. but i have no reason to be.

i'm a 19 year old trans girl with a loving and supportive family. i am decently privileged: i'm white, my mom is a university professor, sure im trans but i had a good transition and now am complimented on being pretty sometimes. i have talents, ive written music that a lot of people said they love. i have tens of thousands of followers on tiktok where i mostly make lighthearted jokes. i have friends that care about me.

but im still suicidal. i still want to be dead. and i don't know why? i should be happy. i shouldn't be on this forum, on this website raving about how sweet death would be had i only the means to achieve it. i should be okay, but im not. why?

i'm scared of one possibility: i was destined for this. my brain was wired the wrong way causing me to want to die no matter what. in that case, what good would therapy do? make me okay for a year or two before i fall back down?

i truly want to die. i just don't know why.

 

[divinemistress36]

Faulty brain wiring

 

[SelfKill]

Try to go to therapy. You may don't want to die now.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

You don't have to be underprivileged to see that this finite existence is utterly pointless and waaaayyyyy too long.

 

[etherealspring]

im in a similar situation, im 19 and have been suicidal since i was about 11-12. im from a privileged background. and tbh i still don't rlly know why im suicidal, all i know is that the thoughts haven't stopped in years. ive tried therapy and even antidepressants, but they didn't work.

i dont rlly think there's always gonna be a valid reason for feeling the way we feel. it's not like we can rlly help it

 

[UKscotty]

Depression doesn't care about your background, race, sex, bank balance or status.

It's a truly evil illness that takes away all joy and happiness from life.

 

[Ampsvx123]

How could u not? Do u desire human mediocrity for ur music or perfection? Mediocrity is of the ephemeral, perfection's from the eternal. The pointlessness of life is very tiring to any great soul with great ambitions. Thousands of years are needed for greatness, Impossibility of Earthy life.

 

[persef]

From what you reported, it seems that there is some chemistry in your brain that is destabilized. In fact, whenever a person has depression or suicidal tendencies, psychological imbalances occur. They can be caused by external environmental factors (home, family, abuse, trauma) and/or internal physiological factors (imbalanced hormones or lack of vitamins/minerals or genetic biochemical imbalance). Even a medicine can cause suicidal or depressive tendencies. It would be good to investigate with a psychiatrist. I hope you get well.
A personal question of mine. If I had someone who cared about me, I wouldn't kill myself. I would fight it. In your case, I think it's worth fighting for. It's really cool that you have insight into wanting to understand your situation and wanting to get out of it somehow. This is already something incredible. It's already a good step. If I were in your shoes, I would hold tight to the hand of someone who loves me, and seek help. It is worth it.

 

[Abbyssmal]

in my case back until a couple months ago i really didnt have a grasp on why i wanted to kill myself so bad. i thought i had a family that cared about me and i thought i had friends who made me happy. the only reason i thought it was at the time was my very low self esteem and high social anxiety which lead to me never dating anyone and repressing all of my actual emotions. but recently i found someone to talk to who made me realize that my view of friendship and anything social was very wrong. everyone i knew either ignored me or talked shit about me and i thought my high school experience was normal. i never made any online friends and everyone i felt i could relate to ignored me or saw me as annoying and abandoned me. the point is, do the people you value in your life go out of their way to make you feel safe and include you any time they feel like being around someone?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I think it's great that you have that insight about your external factors being good and therefore not seeing a reason to feeling suicidal. I'm not currently suicidal, not beyond the usual daydreaming of ctb, but I've been extremely sad for more than half of my life and exploring that in therapy.

In my case, my psychologist thinks it's past trauma and grief that doesn't let me enjoy life.

If you've never been in therapy and you want to figure yourself out, I recommend giving it a try. If you have such a good support system, I recommend talking with your parents or a best friend. My boyfriend has provided me a lot of valuable insight and even reached conclusions that my psychologist would later on reach.

Lastly, depression doesn't pick and choose victims based on privilege or account balance. Anyone can feel extremely sad or suicidal. Don't feel bad for being privileged, be glad that you have those good things in your life. They increase your chances of recovering and hopefully living a fulfilling life.