Venting Who/what do you blame for your desire to CTB?

[eljuicioporlaestafa]

I know the question sounds childish, but that's precisely what I want commenters to be.

Do not comment with the "noble reason" that sounds so good but contains no truth, it can be an answer to the Miss Universe pageant.

Rather, I want to hear your raw, unfiltered, no-holds-barred, stream-of-consciousness, childish reason for who or what you are blaming as the main reason for you to seriously consider to CTB.

Feeling alienated

 

[aqt]

Undoubtedly myself, certainly the main catalyst is me; but I do believe that people closest to me in life played a part. My parents for being either absent or just disbelieving in modern medicine entirely whilst suffering from a number of disorders on the DSM-5. Being unmedicated/undiagnosed through my entire K-12. Stopping my therapy sessions after just 2 times due to the cost; disregarding that I'd recently attempted to ctb. My neurotypical friends for abandoning me; countless exes for doing the same.

 

[just a bird]

I am angry at many people, but I blame only myself.

 

[tulero]

probably my fault for being how I am

In my case its a completly emptyness I cannot ride of. No matter how many things life can offer, its just that I dont care about 99% of it

and as time goes the 1% that remains its vanishing

besides of that, if as humans we gonna die why should I wait for it ? Why should I deal with the uncertainity of how and when its gonna happen ?

 

[ringo99]

Life

 

[why am i alive?]

I blame myself. I do not think i was ever made for this earth. No matter who or what i am i dont think I could ever see a happy future.
But i am at a point where i will just live to see what happens. I dont think CBT is something i will ever achieve as I have tried many times.

 

[gameoverman]

Shitty genes and pharma industry. I got severe PSSD- post SSRI sexual dysfunction from antidepressants with addition of debilitating anhedonia,insomnia,emotional blunting and many other shitty things. My life was irreversibly ruined by these shitty pills in a matter of months. It's fucking unfair .

 

[littlemy]

Mostly myself and my parents. But also my abusive ex that I met when I was 19 and he was almost 40.

 

[starboy2k]

I blame me (im worthless, unmotivated, scared, tired, and fucking stupid)
I blame my family (abusive, lying, back stabbing, manipulating cunts I had to spend so much of my life with. The trauma from them never goes away)
I blame society (work culture sucks, poverty making machine, constant chaos and hysteria, and people just fucking suck especially when it comes to being charge of something whether that be a manager or a fucking president)

i dream of the day I get my hands on some good ole SN because this life SUCKS

 

[zixd]

people spying and manipulating me

 

[seizmic_purple]

No one. It is the way it is. Everything is predetermined, the ''universe'' doesn't care, and my body and consciousness accidentally came to be and for the large part and likewise by chance, my life was good. Many don't experience any pleasant moments in their lives, and it is a privilege I had them at all. Looking at the world in this way made me less angry for what happened to me, and left no space for blame. Not even for blaming myself, which would have been an easy path for me to go down on.

 

[lemonandcapers]

I blame my mother for being physically abusive to me in my childhood. I blame both of my parents for being financially and emotionally abusive since childhood (it is still happening). I blame myself for not being able to function normally. I blame the people in power for allowing the suffering of the people around me.

 

[concession]

Sorry for offtopic, please do not throw stones at me. I am a bit sad that there are no DMs at this forum.

Holy fuck. Another person who lost a full ride scholarship. I'm so sorry. I was part of a scholarship program that would've been a full ride from private middle school up to college, but I blew it and had to leave at 13.

I don't have advice or words of hope, just know I see you, even if our experiences were different.

What are your thoughts about saving money and applying somewhere else as an international student?

There are a lot of places around the world where you can get better education for a fraction of the US`s cost (I assume you are a US citizen). You can always come back to the US after you aquire knowledge (if that is what you lack from your point of view).

I am obviously out of my depth with assuming things, do not really know the system in the US, but you can not possibly blow your whole life away by just dropping out of school being 13 years old. Education can give you a lot obviously, but there are differenet and much more efficient ways to learn.

Sorry for unwanted advice, feel free to skip it if you feel to. I was just always wondering why so many people in the US put themselves through student debt and similar things, when college and university education does not really play that big of a role if you know how to do something and can be acquired for a small fraction of the price elsewhere.

 

[s00ngone]

Sorry for offtopic, please do not throw stones at me. I am a bit sad that there are no DMs at this forum.


What are your thoughts about saving money and applying somewhere else as an international student?

There are a lot of places around the world where you can get better education for a fraction of the US`s cost (I assume you are a US citizen). You can always come back to the US after you aquire knowledge (if that is what you lack from your point of view).

I am obviously out of my depth with assuming things, do not really know the system in the US, but you can not possibly blow your whole life away by just dropping out of school being 13 years old. Education can give you a lot obviously, but there are differenet and much more efficient ways to learn.

Sorry for unwanted advice, feel free to skip it if you feel to. I was just always wondering why so many people in the US put themselves through student debt and similar things, when college and university education does not really play that big of a role if you know how to do something and can be acquired for a small fraction of the price elsewhere.

No stones to throw, friend. Your words would be great advice to someone willing to put them into practice.

It would be a good idea to save money and study abroad, or finish community college here in the US, if I had it in me. I don't. I refuse to go back to school the same way I refuse to live a life.

I had the same thought as you when I enrolled in community college, but I'm as incompatible with that as I am with living, so here I am.

 

[before20]

Sorry for offtopic, please do not throw stones at me. I am a bit sad that there are no DMs at this forum.

There are DMs in this forum, you just have to post more/wait a certain amount of time for them to become available.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Blame doesn't factor in anywhere. It's just the way things are.

 

[Santana Idaho]

life is random and the only reason for it is to perpetuate itself.

That said, I'm currently obsessing over my anger at my parents for keeping a premie alive just to use them. to have a punching bag, to have a doll, to have power, to have a live-in servant.

I joke (to myself because i'm alone) that I'd have been better off being raised by wolves. At least then, I'd have been raised at all.

 

[Novaaa]

My dear fellows.
I feel identified in each of your stories, and I think it would be great the people who knows you will read your reasons for CTB.
When someone do this, all the people ask why. Maybe the reasons are there, but they don't see it.
I have a plan to write more, like a little book about my life before CTB.

Hugs for all.
Paula.

 

[ctemourge]

my abusers & myself.
i mean the disorders ive been diagnosed with are simply a product of repeated trauma & stupid me allowed it to happen

 

[IcarusFalling]

The flipping HTF. And the polies when I forget whose really to blame (the FLIPPING HTF!).

 

[semio]

At the end of the day just myself and my mother, I hate who I am and its her fault both in regards to nature and nurture.

 

[divinemistress36]

No one. It is the way it is. Everything is predetermined, the ''universe'' doesn't care, and my body and consciousness accidentally came to be and for the large part and likewise by chance, my life was good. Many don't experience any pleasant moments in their lives, and it is a privilege I had them at all. Looking at the world in this way made me less angry for what happened to me, and left no space for blame. Not even for blaming myself, which would have been an easy path for me to go down on.

I think some things are predetermined to but it fuckin sucks

 

[repeat.]

this messed up system. and myself, of course.