Discussion Who makes you want to keep going/stay alive?

[ConstantPain]

My pets mostly and I guess myself a little. It shouldn't be this way but I want to ctb and for it to hurt my husband. For many years I couldn't do it because of my mom but her dementia is so bad now that she wouldn't know the difference. I have other family that cares but I'm distanced from them both physically and emotionally. My one friend is strong and I think she would understand and also blame my husband.
My 5 cats are really the ones that make it hard for me to end it. The a-hole husband wouldn't take care of them and most dislike him anyways. There's only 1 who could easily be rehomed and I don't think she'd care who it was as long as they fed her. The other 4 were ferals on our property that we took in at various ages. We had the COVID babies (2 sisters) that were syringe and bottle fed, only days old. They weren't really socialized with other people so neither of them like anyone else. The other 2 were older and have even more distrust of other people. The one that was already an adult is the most antisocial. I gained his trust over a year of feeding him every day and being extremely patient. He's now the absolute sweetest, loves to cuddle and sleeps with me every night. He doesn't like my husband at all and won't let anyone else near him. My husband is so F'd up that he's jealous of him!
The one way it's because of myself is the unlikely chance that I could live by myself with 5 cats. That's my only flicker of hope but financially it's impossible.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

My friends, partner, and weirdly even fictional characters. It's honestly exhausting to live, but I try to do it for them.

Ooo willing to expand on the "fictional characters" thing? I had that as a kid but mine was DID lol

 

[Opera]

Ooo willing to expand on the "fictional characters" thing? I had that as a kid but mine was DID lol

Well... I do have crushes on fictional characters, but also I do want to read about manga characters that I'm interested to where the story is going. I want to be alive when the story gets finished or just getting to see new content on characters I like!

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Well... I do have crushes on fictional characters, but also I do want to read about manga characters that I'm interested to where the story is going. I want to be alive when the story gets finished or just getting to see new content on characters I like!

Oh that's super relatable. (Embarrassingly) fanfic kept me alive during a time in my life when not much else would.

 

[waterbed]

Horses. I get joy out of them.

 

[Young]

Myself. I have some planning ahead. I'll give myself time.

 

[Namelesa]

1. Best Friend
He was the second person I was with in a relationship with but despite the break up and bad stuff we both did due to our mental problems, we are still on very good terms and haven't really changed the way we interact with each other with. The break up was mostly a good thing as it got rid of the more toxic elements and lessen the pressure of either of us worrying we not doing enough and that the one of us is going to abandon the other. I am really thankful for him not leaving me despite all that's happened between us.

The main problem the break up caused was that he isn't allowed to see me physically at the moment and we don't have many chances to be able to sneaky meet each other as I am trapped by my parents and can only go outside with them or with my dog. I would like to live with him in the future if I can as I think life could be tolerable with I was with him. He is suicidal as well but he say he still wants to live so I feel like I shouldn't give up yet as he relies on me for emotional support.

2. My Dog
I am probably one of his favorite humans to be around as he sleeps with me, we always cuddle on my bed when I come back home, that he licks me the most and I can allow him to run without a lead in parks when walking which others can't and that we play in the garden. He would miss me if I were to die.

3. Myself
I want to be able to finish developing some games which I have planned for some time. I am in middle of doing one of them so I sort feel like I need to at finish that one before I ctb but I don't know if it would be worth the effort. I do kinda want to do others with my life as well.


I don't really care about family at all cus they trap me and lessen my access to ctb so it makes me want to do it more to punish them.

 

[zwiebel]

My friends, my family, my girlfriend and my dog. My sister completed suicide which is why I am suicidal again but it also means I am aware how badly this will or would hurt my parents and friends. I also don't want my dog to miss me.

 

[bananaolympus]

My family, my mother and grandma in particular i don't feel joy in the hobbies i once had i only feel good when i talk to them

 

[2messdup]

My psychiatric nurse and my dog. My dog is smart, old but active, and nervous. She wouldn't like change if I was gone. Psych nurse because he's awesome as a person, not just as a psych nurse, and the thought of him being blamed, interrogated, accused at my coroners inquest upsets me.

 

[Cavalcade]

There's a shade of difference for me, in terms of the people for whom I feel an obligation, one that burdens me with the guilt of sticking around for- and for those who, while that is still an influencing factor, are more so on the list because I love them, and I know that they love me, and that it would devastate them horrendously, especially after they've already both lost people close to them from suicide. I'll list the latter.

One of them is like my brother- we're not related by blood, but he's essentially my older brother. We've been there for one another through some horrendous, permanently life altering things- he wouldn't be alive without my direct intervention, and his hospitalization still haunts me- and even asides from the mutual shared horrors, we're keenly similar. It's rare to find someone who you feel really understands you, sees you for who you are- and loves you anyway.

It's kind of funny, he so often picks apart the nuances of my thought process before I can elucidate it myself, and I find myself finishing his own conclusions: because our minds work in a very similar way, and we've been through different variations of similar trauma. We can pinpoint each others' most likely reaction to a given situation even without having spoken to the other yet- and when one of us goes missing, we're the person other people immediately hunt down to find out more, because they (rightfully) assume we know the most, and that we are who the other would reach out to first once made possible.

Because of that- in knowing him as well as I know myself, I know precisely what my death would do to him: and it's an agonizing thing to contemplate. It would, as he's said, break his heart. We've spoken at length about my suicidal ideation, and I know that it hurts him- in that he wishes he could make things easier for me, has literally said he wished he could take on some of the burden of the pain and senseless hurt. And it's painful, to see how difficult it is for him- I know how much he cares for me, how much he loves me. He's a big reason that I keep struggling to persist.

The other is my childhood friend, who I've known for over half of my life. We grew up together. We're not in constant contact, more so intermittently- but I know that he's expressed to me that it's incredibly meaningful to him that I have always, always been his friend- and that no matter how long had elapsed, both of us still have a deep affection and tender place for one another in our hearts.

He's told me that I am the one person who still kept by his side, even after a massive life upheaval: we've been there for one another through terrible romantic relationships, the implosion of friend groups, all the awkward, bitter messiness of growing up- of trying to figure out how to be people. No matter who we've become- whatever music we listen to, friends we have, style we're rocking, hobbies we pick up, jobs or accomplishments we undertake: we have always remained friends.

Our friendship has a core of nostalgia just based on the length of time we've known each other, and all of the shit we've endured: but it's especially meaningful because of the sense of security and trust in that, no matter who we become, what we do, or where we go- we'll still always be friends. He's a rare constant in my life. I would hate to take away the comfort that I find in that in its equivalent in his.

 

[hopelessgirl]

My psychiatrist and my doggo