Discussion Who makes you want to keep going/stay alive?

[NormallyNeurotic]

To those who don't plan to CTB, I want to know if any of you have people/living beings that are keeping you here, that make you want to keep going! Feel free to respond below with your "tier lists" after you join the poll.

My tier list is:
1. The guy I'm in love with + my cat
Both on this tier because I trust them the most, and their "cons" even eachother out more or less. For my cat, I know he needs me BUT he's also getting old and is chronically ill, so I'm just hoping he holds on for many more years. As for the guy I'm in love with... he makes my days so much brighter and me making his brighter feels so damn fulfilling BUT he has a life and friends and a future that I have less of a chance of getting myself, so he'd probably be alright without me if it came down to it?

2. My friends
All online, and not even that many anyway, but they've all been trying not to CTB themselves plus a lot of them are younger than me so I feel obligated to "lead my example." Also they're just... really great

3. Certain family members
Two very accepting older relatives and one about my age that I haven't talked to in a while but I miss and hope still thinks of me positively

4. Myself (&sys)
A future career I hope to achieve, a life I wish to make with someone, my bar mitzvah I hope to have (I wasnt raised Jewish despite being Ashkenazi so I didn't have it at 13) and my medical transition that I hope to start. Seems less important than the other stuff because it all seems so far away and pretty fleeting, but every once in a while...

 

[fallingleaves]

Right now it's basically just myself, nature, gardens, plants, and a little of the supernatural. Unfortunately as the season changes into winter I will be cut off from a lot of the natural life that helps me feel better. I'm isolated from most people right now. I have a couple long distance friends and I feel bad for saying this but they're not the reason I stick around, for the most part. Although occasionally when they come to visit I guess that helps me. I don't have pets. I do have a spiritual practice that I've turned to recently basically out of desperation. I'm exploring paths and ideas that I've always been drawn to, but never bothered to seriously pursue. I feel like most people have abandoned me, but the universe hasn't completely abandoned me, if that makes sense. (It probably won't make sense to some people.)

I'm still in a pretty dangerous place right now but I am holding on, at least for now.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Right now it's basically just myself, nature, gardens, plants, and a little of the supernatural. Unfortunately as the season changes into winter I will be cut off from a lot of the natural life that helps me feel better. I'm isolated from most people right now. I have a couple long distance friends and I feel bad for saying this but they're not the reason I stick around, for the most part. Although occasionally when they come to visit I guess that helps me. I don't have pets. I do have a spiritual practice that I've turned to recently basically out of desperation. I'm exploring paths and ideas that I've always been drawn to, but never bothered to seriously pursue. I feel like most people have abandoned me, but the universe hasn't completely abandoned me, if that makes sense. (It probably won't make sense to some people.)

I'm still in a pretty dangerous place right now but I am holding on, at least for now.

I haven't always been religious, but I've always been spiritual. In my worst years (teens mostly), witchcraft became my foothold on life. I even learned how to curse people, and if I hadn't done that curse bottle against the man who hurt teen me, I might have let him win.

I still don't know if the curse got through, but it helped me feel safe. Even now that I'm religious I still consider myself a witch.

Your spirituality may make no sense to someone else, but if it helps you and doesn't hurt any innocent people then why the Hell not? Be it nature, the dead, crystals, tarot, scrying or anything more cultural, you are alive because of it and it makes you want to stay that way. Sounds good to me.


Also... the fact that 4 whole people voted for "I just keep going anyway" gives me hope for my own future. You guys are amazing. Keep kicking ass.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

I've got one family member who cares about me. I think they might be upset if I died. Or confused at the very least. Other than that I'm still around mostly because planning and executing a suicide is no simple task. And because I happen to have a strong survival instinct.

 

[j.rez729]

I'm mostly staying alive for myself, but after years of contemplating suicide on and off, I've gotten to an age (33) where I've realized I could never do that to my mother. Maybe when she's dead I'll reconsider, but for now while she's here I just can't put her through that. In my 20's and up until recently I simply didn't care about the feelings of others and even wished to inflict pain on my family and anyone else. I guess I've softened, gained some empathy maybe, but now the thought of my mother finding out and how it would destroy her is enough to keep serious plans at bay presently.

Though really, I doubt my ability to complete even if she was dead. I've been so close so many times, sitting on the edge of that building, holding that gun to my head, and I just...don't have the balls. It amazes me that some even do. Because that takes one hell of a pair to do something that major.

 

[fallingleaves]

I haven't always been religious, but I've always been spiritual. In my worst years (teens mostly), witchcraft became my foothold on life. I even learned how to curse people, and if I hadn't done that curse bottle against the man who hurt teen me, I might have let him win.

I still don't know if the curse got through, but it helped me feel safe. Even now that I'm religious I still consider myself a witch.

Your spirituality may make no sense to someone else, but if it helps you and doesn't hurt any innocent people then why the Hell not? Be it nature, the dead, crystals, tarot, scrying or anything more cultural, you are alive because of it and it makes you want to stay that way. Sounds good to me.


Also... the fact that 4 whole people voted for "I just keep going anyway" gives me hope for my own future. You guys are amazing. Keep kicking ass.

As someone whose only recourse right now seems to be throwing curses at the people who hurt me, I understand completely.

 

[anopenwound]

Friends first, myself second. I'm trying to change the order there - you can't pour from an empty cup like. But at the moment my friends are literally saving my life.

 

[CatLvr]

My kids and my pets. I couldn't hurt my children like that no matter how much pain I happen to be in. And until I have found homes for all these critters, I'm not gonna go off and leave them anyway. My old man wouldn't take care of them and they would not understand being neglected in that way.

 

[vampire2002]

i'm only really still here for my boyfriend and my cats. i think, due to being hurt by many people before, i struggle truly caring about most people in my life.

 

[Invisible23]

I guess right now it would be my cat. My spouse has basically checked out, I'm just waiting to be served divorce papers.

 

[nozomu]

Just my partner. They're the only reason I try. I'm pretty over the rest of life ATP.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've only been able to keep myself alive for games/shows/movies/other media that I'm anticipating the release for. Friends and family really don't do that enough for me especially since sometimes they're either too supportive in a way that I hate or they just don't care, as they should because I'm not worth caring about.

I've never had a romantic partner yet which is why I do think I would want to live for them but I honestly don't know for sure how long I could hold out for them. Maybe I just think I would because I'm so desperate for one but in the unlikely event that I do have one, I might not even know what to do and I could cause worse pain for them or myself which would end up making me want to leave reality even more.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

EDIT: This poll now has a companion poll on the CTB side of things for anyone interested!

 

[turnaround]

My cat and my sister. Im scared what would happen to my kitty. He doesn't deserve to just be left in a kennel. And my sister was the only one who tried to help me and she thought she saved me and worked really hard to keep me here. I know she'll feel like she failed me, when the in reality I failed myself. I wish suicide was a victimless situation.

I wish I could just pretend like I have left to move somewhere else and no one could
Find me again.

 

[Argo]

I talk to a few younger people who struggle with life. I do consider the fact that if I die, it means I can't positively impact the lives of others. I guess I believe in karma, I believe that what you do affects the quality of the world, and the quality of the world affects you. Although I don't think you should be guilted into staying alive just for that. Any morally sophisticated force in the universe would understand if it was just time to go

 

[chulaotter]

My mom. Don't know how I'd go on without her.

 

[FeyB]

Always has been for my sister, I think i have to be an example for her
Also know that I'm better I would say for myself, my friends were the one making me recognize this importance though.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I talk to a few younger people who struggle with life. I do consider the fact that if I die, it means I can't positively impact the lives of others. I guess I believe in karma, I believe that what you do affects the quality of the world, and the quality of the world affects you. Although I don't think you should be guilted into staying alive just for that. Any morally sophisticated force in the universe would understand if it was just time to go

That hits so familiarly hard. My friends are mostly younger (and the rest older honestly. Never got along with my age. The only person I'm close with who is my age is the guy I like...), and they struggle alot. I've helped them because we have similar disorders, and I was there when they discovered said disorders to ease the fear. I just don't want to CTB and leave them to do it too.

 

[enduringwinter]

genuinely the desire for everyone else to die off instead of me

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Overall I'm too individualist to really care about how others would feel after I'm gone, but I admit that in several ways I postponed my suicide due to others, friends in general

 

[Ktk]

because CTB is expensive and I believe in a god, so I wouldn't really have a reason to give if god ever asked why I chose to leave early

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

because CTB is expensive and I believe in a god, so I wouldn't really have a reason to give if god ever asked why I chose to leave early

Expensive? How so?

 

[LostLily]

Well

Expensive? How so?

well, I just paid 174cad for SN from Dmc . Had to pay via airbnb

 

[Scythe]

Staying alive for myself mostly, I've got ppl I care about, but they don't really give me a reason to keep going. So I won't live for them either. I've just got a bucket list to complete. Or at least attempt to.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Well

well, I just paid 174cad for SN from Dmc . Had to pay via airbnb

Living is way more expensive lol

 

[LostLily]

Living is way more expensive lol

True, and it is less expensive than ongoing therapy lol

 

[Redacted24]

For me:
1) it's my elderly mother; as an only child there is nobody else to be there for her as she needs assistance
2) my one dear friend that has been reassuring and supportive for years and years, through all the rough times, with patience and compassion
3) it sounds weird but a coworker who has really bad panic attacks and confided in me that my being around is a huge comfort. She also gets really agitated when I "joke" about CTB. She listens to my hurt and has patience with me.
Thank you, dear people. I'm doing my best not to hurt you.

 

[isolatedl111]

To those who don't plan to CTB, I want to know if any of you have people/living beings that are keeping you here, that make you want to keep going! Feel free to respond below with your "tier lists" after you join the poll.

My tier list is:
1. The guy I'm in love with + my cat
Both on this tier because I trust them the most, and their "cons" even eachother out more or less. For my cat, I know he needs me BUT he's also getting old and is chronically ill, so I'm just hoping he holds on for many more years. As for the guy I'm in love with... he makes my days so much brighter and me making his brighter feels so damn fulfilling BUT he has a life and friends and a future that I have less of a chance of getting myself, so he'd probably be alright without me if it came down to it?

2. My friends
All online, and not even that many anyway, but they've all been trying not to CTB themselves plus a lot of them are younger than me so I feel obligated to "lead my example." Also they're just... really great

3. Certain family members
Two very accepting older relatives and one about my age that I haven't talked to in a while but I miss and hope still thinks of me positively

4. Myself (&sys)
A future career I hope to achieve, a life I wish to make with someone, my bar mitzvah I hope to have (I wasnt raised Jewish despite being Ashkenazi so I didn't have it at 13) and my medical transition that I hope to start. Seems less important than the other stuff because it all seems so far away and pretty fleeting, but every once in a while...

No one, I simply care about useless things

 

[ham and potatoes]

Only reason I haven't is because I don't want to hurt my family or pets by leaving.
If something were to happen to them, I'd be on the bus in no time

 

[Opera]

My friends, partner, and weirdly even fictional characters. It's honestly exhausting to live, but I try to do it for them.